Any suggestions?

I am glad she has decided, it is the worry of wondering what to do that is worse than the doing!

Oh, but don't mention the will changing or they might make your SIL's life difficult!

Glad she feels more confident now and you are a good friend, not just a SIL to her!

Just a quick update - DSIL has asked me to thank you all for your comments. She read them all and is considering leaving them a small percentage of the estate. She will also leave a letter explaining why. I have assured her that I would do exactly the same if I was in her shoes, my nieces and nephew have behaved appallingly and I intend to speak to them about it, they might be in their forties but will still get a tongue lashing from their aunt. Thanks again.

I think very sound advice has already been given on this thread about leaving a letter or some such which explains why the estate has been divided up as it has. The solicitor will advise on this when the will is drawn up.

Were they successful, seasidenana?

I think your SIL should check with her solicitor that her will can't be contested by your DB's children. There was a similar situation in my extended family where the house belonged to the second wife, in fact was her parents house where she grew up. Her husband moved in with her on marriage and had no property of his own. This was his second marriage and he had children with his first wife. The second wife and he then had two children together. After he died she continued living in her own house. Sadly she died herself not long afterwards and left her house to her children. Her late husbands first family then came out of the woodwork and contested the will, claiming they should get half.

Your SILs Will is for her to distribute her assets to the people she wishes to inherit.
It is entirely her own choice.
The information in the will can be kept private until her death.

Another quagmire is when peoplle leave their house to their surviving spouse for life, to be passed to their children on the spouse's death. This can leave an elderly person rattling around in a big house which they are unable to heat. Their children would be far happier to have their parent sell and buy something smaller, possibly with some 'spare' cash coming to themselves, but in an effort to protect them the other parent has made that impossible.

I sympathise as my Dad left his house to my sister and I with a proviso that his partner of 20 years could live in the house until she either left or died. Which I agreed to as he wanted to take care of her after he passed at the age of 76. But she has now remarried and they live in my fathers house while renting his house out, just not what he was expecting her to do, but because of the wording in the will we can do nothing about it. I just feel my Dads memory is disrespected.

She may morally feel she should leave them something, but they have behaved immorally, and abominably, in trying to break up a happy marriage. Legally she can do what she likes with the money, but yes maybe leave his own personal belongings to his children. and as said leave a note with her will as to why in case they contest the will. I suffered similar treatment from my ex's daughter and no way would I have left her a penny. I owed her nothing. Don't be an executor, and just simply say up to you, but I take a very dim view of my nephew and nieces attitude to you. Enough said.

I hope your lovely relationship with you SIL continues to flourish and enjoy it as always.

Normally I would agree that wills should not contain nasty surprises, but in this case, I agree absolutely with starbird - once the will is written, say nothing.

My goodness, I'ld rather get nothing than get a reduced amount with a letter telling my why I was worth less that I could never respond to - talk about a sting in the tail!

Give willingly and graciously or not at all IMO

You might find that her step children don't expect anything and she's worrying over nothing
However if they've previously been told that they're getting a % I think it's right to tell them if that has changed. If it's never been mentioned though then there's no obligation at all

PS and I would say to her, tell nobody, let them all find out after she passes - otherwise her stepchildren may make her life miserable.

I would tell sister in law that you support whatever she decides. Depending on her circumstances, if she has to go into a nursing home later in life, (some) of her assetts will be used to pay for that anyway, or, if her children look after her in her old age, why should the stepchildren benefit from an inheritance that might not otherwise still be there?

For that reason too, It is better to specify a % because otherwise if only a little amount is left the husbands children might get more than her own. I am sure she will consult a solicitor, it needs to be watertight in case they dispute it.

Thank you Jalima I missed that later post. In any event, it doesn't change my opinion. But thanks for correcting me

This is such a difficult situation for you. But I can never understand why people get so hung up about inheritance. I told my parents that as they had worked and saved hard they should leave any money to whoever they wished. It was their money so should they chose what to do with it. I've never felt I had a right to it. I knew they had a large inheritance from my aunt and I knew most would be eaten up by one of my DS which is exactly what happened. My two DDs are executors and beneficiaries but I may well have nothing left for them if I live to a good old age. I wish your DSiL well with her decisions.

If he had been the survivor would he have left the money to be split 5 ways I guess that is what he thought would happen. Do have a good talk about it.

Yes do leave letter for the stepchildren explaining the reason for the decision. I have a step daughter who shows no interest in us. We have given her
Money over the years. Our wills now leave her a small amount and there is a letter explaining gently that she has just not been there for us.

She's not going against his wishes, if it was his wishes that his adult children definitely benefited he would have listed them in his will. It was his wishes that his wife do as she sees fit with what he leaves her. That's what she's doing.

He trusted his wife's judgement on this, you should too

I think she might regret her decision later as the grief eases.

So am guessing that his first wife got their joint house and so your DBs children will be the benefactors in her will. I'm assuming they divorced when I say this.
I think Ceesnan said that her brother's first wife died well before he married present DSIL.

An interesting and thought provoking post .... Perhaps a lesson here for many of us regarding wills which are drawn up many years before we pop our clogs.

I think it is very nice of your SIL to ask for an opinion and in view of the circumstances I wouldn't ask her to reconsider in any respect. I doubt any of the SC are expecting to be remembered in your SIL's will. You mentioned that your late DB was in rented accommodation prior to their marrying ... So am guessing that his first wife got their joint house and so your DBs children will be the benefactors in her will. I'm assuming they divorced when I say this.

Whatever the ins and outs it does sound as though the SC behaved very badly to their dad's new wife. How very sad that people have to take sides ....

Good luck with it all x

ps I would not express an opinion about what you think she should do - it is very difficult for you as it is your own nieces and nephew who have caused the problem.

'Whatever you feel is right' may be a good answer (with a few tips about percentages etc should she decide herself to go down that route).

If you give advice about anything other than practical facts then it may come back to bite you.
Good luck.

So many constructive replies - thank you all so much for all the input. DSIL is coming for supper tonight so I will show her this thread and I think she will find it helpful. I had made a mistake in saying that she HAD changed her will....she is considering it at the moment. In answer to a couple of questions; my DB's first wife died about five years before he remarried, and I don't believe she had made a will. I will not be an executor, DSIL says she would not want to put that on me! I said previously that my nephew and nieces' behaviour has made me thoroughly ashamed of them and I have no problem with the fact that they may not benefit fully from the estate. Finally thank you Jalima for the suggestion that DSIL should stipulate the percentage, if any, that they should get.

p.s. the original question was that she asked for your opinion about the distribution of her assets ....difficult for you but I would try not to say too much but suggest she discusses it with her solicitor. It is really up to her to decide if she wants anything to go to her step children ...maybe things of sentimental value only ? how likely would they be to contest the Will and do they have copies of your Dsil's original Will which left assets to her ? If not then they have no proof what his wishes would have been about any legacy for them . Presumably they stand to inherit from their mother any assets from the marriage (I,e, house etc) it would cost them a lot to challenge the Will