She's relied on me for a decade. What do I do now?

Very ungrateful lady. dump her.

Dear Nelliemags, you've been an absolute brick for that woman and it's time to stop . Many people think that the elderly are lovely and should be treated with kid gloves . I don't doubt that this isn't the first time this woman has said horrible things about you because she's obviously like that. People don't change over night unless it's through a serious illness. My mother was very nasty to everyone her whole life and no matter what I did to look after her she still called me " that bl..dy bitch" . Don't invest any more of your kindness in her . You cannot win in these situations. I had to continue because I'm an only child and the nasty old woman was my mother. Please don't be hard on yourself and spend some time on yourself.

But we don't know that the carer had stirred up trouble, as Grove1234 posted. Nellie and the carer spoke amicably together, and Nellie said that now that she knew whose car it was, the carer was welcome to park there. "It turned out to be MrsM's morning carer's car but I had no way of knowing that until the carer came to my door that afternoon.. We talked and I said she was welcome to park there now that I know the number of her car and where to find her. I also talked to my neighbour and all seemed well."

It sounds to me as though the neighbour is perfectly capable of nasty gossip without being stirred up. I know a couple of old ladies who haven't a good word to say for anyone, and like to tell everyone what bad neighbours they have. No need to blame the carer.

Dear Nelliemaggs,
I wish you a very happy birthday and send you blessings for being such a wonderful human being - a rare thing in these uncertain times.
I wish you love, light and laughter - and live life for yourself xxxx

grove 1234

You make a very pertinent point here. There is some possibility that the carer rather than MrsM could be the person at fault, or partially at fault.

However since Nellies post about her ringing up and asking DD to go to cashpoint for her, I do think MrsM IS taking advantage of Nellie's easy going, kind nature! There are some people who will, if given the opportunity, get others running around for them while not putting demands on their own families.

Poor you Nelliemags.
I think that you have been a massive support to this Lady, and she has taken you for granted. I personally would let her know that you heard the derogatory conversation to see what she says, and then I would just walk away, returning the key. As she has Carers, she is being looked after, so time to let them take over and give yourself some very much needed respite. I would also let the Carer know that you are no longer going to be involved with this Lady.
Let us know Nelliemags how things pan out.
to you for being such a kind and caring person.

the carer blocked your drive did,nt leave a note on her car saying where she was then stirred things up with your neighbour .?
back off gently but keep an eye on whats going on .The carer sounds very unprofessional make sure the agency is aware

I don't feel I can carry on doing everything for her any longer but she relies heavily on me when she isn't well.

You are a better person than I am, I wouldn't give a toss about how she would manage, having heard what she thinks of me. However, your conscience can be clear - you say that she is socially active in her church - fine, let her church support her.

And I would make damned sure she knew why I had withdrawn my support, the two-faced old hypocrite that she is.

She has been spiteful to you for no reason after all you have done for her. Why not go and help your own mother more frequently and let this lady call her children or carers for assistance.

Definitely do not handle or deal with any money issues for her.

And did she wish you Happy Birthday? Card or call?

Thanks you for all the good wishes, flowers and cake. I am having a lovely day with my daughter and grandson home with a stomach virus which so far I have managed to avoid.

My mother was cantankerous all her life and lived to 94 running rings round her children. I loved my job but retired at 66 to look after her and watched her going downhill, making up stories, becoming very forgetful and making accusations so I know the toll very old age can take. I also used to mow old Aunty's 5 lawns until she died at 94. She had strange ideas but was always happy to see me. She and mother used to come to Christmas lunch each year and Mother would sit and glare at Aunty - her younger Sister in law - all afternoon. We never worked out what Mother was so cross about.

MrsM though is in relatively good health and has all her chairs in place. She would never have spoken as she did if she thought it would result in help being withdrawn. She often rings in the evening to ask my DD to run down to the corner shop to withdraw money for her and come to think of it, last time she quizzed me as to whether DD had given her all the money she had taken out.

All over now and I feel quite liberated. Her sons visit about every two months so are of little use and I will have to respond if she is in trouble but no more checking up.

Nelliemags What a lovely, kind and caring person you are! Even the tone of your posts is non-judgemental. Hope you are able to sort things out. Your neighbour doesn't deserve you!

And in the circs I wouldn't blame you at all if you withdrew completely.

No wonder you're so upset. It must have felt like such a kick in the teeth.
Could it be early dementia? Speaking from (too much!) experience, people with dementia can become very nasty towards, or about, the very people they depend on the most.

In any case, I would think it's high time to withdraw at least to some extent. If it IS early dementia things will only get worse. It's not at all uncommon for people with dementia to start banging on neighbours' doors in the small hours, or ringing umpteen times a day because they've forgotten how to work the TV remote, etc.

Helping out to some extent is one thing, but it sounds to me as if more help from professional carers is in order.

Happy Birthday Nelliemags.
My thoughts are that you should cut your neighbour out of your life as much as possible to avoid any future problems. My MIL had a very kind neighbour who checked on her everyday. Sorted out problems - even being called in the middle of the night when MIL had stoma issues. She was a saint but MIL complained about her constantly - even saying the neighbour was an alcoholic because she had a daily glass of wine.
Be kind to yourself Nelliebags

Happy Birthday Nellimags ! You really do deserve to have a lovely time and I hope you are !

Sadly your neighbour sounds a nightmare ! After all you have done so kindly and unselfishly for her what a way to talk about you ! I think I would have to say something outright and explain that if the is how she thinks of you, you are very sorry, but will now need to return her keys, Let her know if there is a dire emergency you will be available if possible and if her sons cannot be contacted. Age concern may know of a scheme where she can have one of those panic buttons if she has not already got one ...and you could stop the carer next time you see her to talk about this problem too ...she may well have tried to say similar things to the carer ! There does seem to come a time in people's lives when they cannot remember clearly what they have done, or asked or told you you can do (as in the note on here about the M & S cheque ! When you hand back her key, do it in front of the carer who can be a witness ...just in case !

My ex husband had an elderly grandmother whom we used to visit every Saturday ...she would say 'Oh it's you ...I haven't seen another soul all week' we knew this wasn't true, as various other relatives had been at least once a day and her son (my f I l) visited every evening after work, his wife (m I l ) visited every afternoon ...made the bed did the shopping and cleaning washing and ironing and one cousin painted the kitchen, another the living room ...she had people in and out all the time but I think she preferred to tell everyone that no one ever came .....

You sound like a lovely neighbour ! If you do like to care for others, SilverLine as you probably know, is a telephone befriending service you could join....that way you can give help and or support without any face to face contact,

Give yourself a treat !! [cake]

Both my Mother and MIL developed dementia and nasty gossip and comments were the first sign.

That was my thought about MrsM, although she may not be at the point where the dementia is obvious, she could be in the early stages. At 91 the probability is high.

This is not something you can just walk away from without getting a clear explanation from your neighbor because there are always two sides to every story. You've been there for her over ten years but people of advanced age often forget how to show appreciation. Having said that, she does NOT get a pass for bad mouthing you with others. I would have an honest discussion with her just to clear the air, but be prepared for a less than satisfactory explanation. In the end, have no regrets that you were there for her. It speaks very highly of your character and your kindness. She on the other hand, will soon realize how much she needed your help and how badly she behaved towards you.

I'm afraid I would - in your position - cease all contact with this elderly neighbour.

Not only has she been found out for the ungrateful so-and-so that she is but she may very well start making unfounded and malicious accusations that you are letting yourself into her home and stealing!

It does happen - either people imagine these things happen, or they mislay something and jump to the wrong conclusion and just stick the blame on the easiest target to hand.

You can't afford that kind of flack - mud sticks. Get away from her NOW!

Happy Birthday! I'm going to throw in my twopenceworth, which most would probably disagree with. But I simply don't get involved with neighbours. I can chat, help out if required and do the odd favour, but I never get involved. Both my Mother and MIL developed dementia and nasty gossip and comments were the first sign. My MIL would accuse us all of stealing from her, told everyone who would listen and was very nasty about her DILs. That is what worries me about being too involved with neighbours who are getting on a bit and maybe not as nice as they once where! You could land in all kinds of trouble.

Aw Nelliemaggs what a difficult situation. I'm sure you've been a wonderful neighbour. Perhaps too good .... And to hear mean remarks about you must be so hurtful.

As several have suggested, time to hand her key back and suggest she has one of those key box things and and a button alarm she can carry around. I expect she was having a good old gossip and making it up as she went along.

I don't see the point of discussing what you heard with her ..... Too upsetting for you both. She has her carers and perhaps her sons could start stepping in now and again. At her age she's never going to change.

Here's some ? for you.

Happy birthday Nellie
Hope it brings everything you enjoy!

Happy birthday Nelliemaggs! You're obviously a very kind lady but she is not your responsibility, even though you have been effectively caring for her for many years.
Above all don't let it upset you, very old people do tend to get wrong ideas in their heads.
I agree with others who suggest that you should back off gracefully and avoid getting sucked in again. As she has nice carer(s) she will be fine, and there are organisations who can arrange transport for medical appointments.
If you have caller display on your telephone you can avoid answering her calls. I hope that you are not the person who is called when she presses her care link - if you are I suggest that you get in touch with them and tell them that they should call elsewhere. As Phoebes suggests just say that "you can't continue as you are getting older yourself".

Happy birthday Nelliemaggs. I have left you a cake on Anya's birthday thread.