She's relied on me for a decade. What do I do now?

Just re-read your post and would like to say happy birthday and don't worry about her. If you have been looking after her for 20 years, you are older than she was when you started helping her, so I think you need a bit of cossetting yourself!
Just tell her you can't continue as you are getting older yourself! Have a lovely day! (It was mine yesterday!)

I think you have done enough for this unappreciative woman, but, on the other hand, if you withdrew your help and something happened to her like a fall, you would feel really bad! It's a tricky one! I think you should gradually cut down on what you do for her and explain that you will have to be spending more time looking after your grandchildren, but that if she has a real emergency, she can always contact you. Having said that, I used to help an elderly lady who lived a couple of doors down, take her to doctor's appointments etc. as she was completely neglected by her two sons, who weren't very far away. She was very difficult and wouldn't listen to any helpful suggestions to make her life easier and was only interested in herself and never asked how our family were. The last straw was when she rang quite early in the morning and asked me to go round and remove a spider from the wall!
I was in my nightie at the time, so I told her to deal with it herself! On the other hand, it was a good thing we had a key, as when one of her friends came round to take her out for a meal, ands she didn't answer the door, my husband went round with her and they went in together and found the old lady on the bed, having had a stroke, and were able to call an ambulance. If your lady has sons, they should definitely be helping out more.

I've just caught up with this thread again Nelliemaggs, and I also hope you have a birthday that's at least one filled with peace of mind now that you've got things off your chest. I think you'll feel better when you've told your neighbour how upset you have felt, though in slight mitigation she probably does sit dwelling a lot and that, together with inherent unpleasant personality traits, caused her to say what she did. Get on with your own life now. Find other things to do. If you are a joiner, join things. The new you starts now, ?

I think you have been such a star and it's so hurtful to hear your neighbour talk about you like that. Yes I would return her key through the letterbox with a letter saying why. I would do it when her carer is there. I would just state the facts without judgement on either of them but would also say how hurt you are by the situation, and that it's better if someone else supports her now.
Do nothing else, just wait and see what happens. But even if she apologises, things can never be the same again and you should not be so accommodating.
Look after yourself. You sound like a lovely lady and a wonderful neighbour xx

Nelliemaggs

I had something similar two years ago, where I had done some shopping for her(94) and when examining her bank account a couple of weeks later, she said 'there is thirty something pounds been taken from her bank account and she doesn't know what it is' I said to her I will telephone the bank and ask whose signed the cheque' When the bank said who the signature was I was 'oh' thats me! You know what it was? her M&S shoppiing which I bought for her gave her the receipt and she gave me a cheque. I was mortified that she implied I was a thief! but it did explain why she went through carer after carer. Its easy to feel sorry for someone because of there age but believe you me if they are a horrible person they are horrible. I wouldn.t bother explaining because what you heard is who she is, if that makes sense?

I feel for u, obviously u were very hurt and u are a caring sensitive person.
If u totally withdrew your help and she then fell ill, or got hurt etc I think you would feel awful. Obviously she needs to know why. I personally couldn't confront but I'd need to give her a very carefully worded note along the lines of " when I came into your house recently to offer help I heard u on the phone talking about me. I resolved the matter about the career and told her she can park there now that I know where to get her if I need out my drive. But I am so hurt about what u said on the phone about my husband and about me that I am unable to come to yours so much. I will of course help in any emergency. "

Happy Birthday Nelliemaggs

I would have to clear the air one way or the other with the lady concerned and move on in whichever direction chosen depending on the outcome.

Enjoy your birthday Nelliemaggs!
I agree with those who say it's probably to do with old age. And as Chrissy says 'They sit on their own all day and stew over things and they grow out of all proportion.'
I used to visit an old lady, and lent her a book. The next time I visited she wouldn't let me in as I was a thief. She said I'd stolen the book from her.
Things get distorted and they don't remember right.
But I definitely think you shouldn't visit your neighbour again.

I'm so glad you are feeling better and Happy Birthday to you.
I would have to explain to the neighbour that I'd overheard what she said and how it made me feel. That would be after she'd noticed how much less available I was being and that she'd had her key returned. Maybe she'll work it out anyway.
She has other carers in place and relatives.

nelliemags what a lovely person you must be, firstly to look after this lady for so long and secondly to even consider carrying on helping her . I would post the key back and withdraw your services , saying " No wonder her husband left her " is unforgivable how ever old she is .

Happy Birthday Nelliemags. Hope you have a lovely day. We need more people like you in this world !

You have been a wonderful neighbour, I hope you have a Happy Birthday

Have a good birthday nelliemags put neighbour out of your mind today . If she wants to know why you haven't been round tell her you heard her on the phone and was very hurt . You have been a very good neighbour .??

I do think people can become very self centred as they get old (er).But there is no excuse for bad mouthing someone.
I'd have to raise it with her .do agree back off You could make your own increasing age (ahem) and the fact you obviously have other caring responsibilities as a reason too .Are you in the same social circle?Presumably not but I'd want to know if she's said anything to mutual friends or acquaintances about you

This happened to me with my 90+ year old aunt. She didn't have dementia but she started to tell me about 'Christine' (me) who had not been very nice to her husband and she has a temper and you wouldn't want to cross her. All that had happened was that my DH had driven us to her hospital appointment and had taken the wheelchair back. He was gone ages and I said 'I bet he's taken it all the way back to the department when you just leave in the entrance'. She said don't have a go at him, which I didn't and I certainly don't have a temper. They sit on their own all day and stew over things and they grow out of all proportion. If you mentioned it I doubt she would even remember. You sound a lovely person to do all that you do so try not to get too down about it.

I also meant to say if you continued to help her to the same degree as you did before, you would always begrudge doing so, wondering what she is saying behind your back. My experience with my MIL was one weekend she took a turn for the worse when we were visiting her and I decided to stay overnight because I felt we just couldn't leave her. We called the Dr out early the next morning and when she finally turned up, I went back in to thank said Dr and MIL took one look at me and screamed 'NO GO AWAY' however all smiles for the Dr though.... That was only one incident but there were frequent subtle little digs (and some not so subtle) about one of her SILs while we were visiting on many occasions which made me wonder what was being said about me behind my back.

A very Happy Birthday, Nelliemaggs!

it is sad but not surprising , I have often a similar conversation with my wife about the way she look after my daughter and son in law house ... my thoughts are you can always help someone if they ask but it you do a lot of shores for someone else without been asked ,it will be taken for granted and you should not expect thanks and the person you help will not think better of you ..

Happy birthday to yooooooooo tra lah!!
Hope you get your problem resolved. It's horrid hearing 'untruths' about ourselves isn't it. As lots of others have said above, I think (for your own peace of mind) that you need to mention that you heard what was said about you, and then stop doing so much - yes, you can be there in emergencies, and if it helps to 'fill your day' then you could do the shopping, but I'd 'back off' somewhat! Hope you get this resolved soon...

Happy birthday Nelliemags and have a lovely day. Start your new year with a smile and enjoy your life

Likely to be a symptom of old age more than anything else, but you're not obliged to keep helping her at all and maybe this is the time to pull back a bit, doing just what you feel you want to-and if that's nothing, so be it. It may be different if she was closely related but there will be other people who can help her-if she needs it.

Hope you have a fantastic birthday today! ?

They say listeners hear no good of themselves. It reminded me of a memory I had buried deep. I was at University and a girl I thought was my friend had broken her leg. She was spending most of the time in her hall of residence so I popped round to visit her to cheer her up.

Imagine my dismay to hear her talking about me in the most horrible terms. I was about to turn the handle when I heard my name and then some terrible lies being shared with another girl I'd also thought was my friend.

Perhaps I should have gone in and asked them to justify what they'd said, but I crept away, and it was a very long time before I trusted anybody.

In retrospect [I was 19] I could have burst in and asked them what on earth they thought they were saying. And perhaps you could have done that. I suspect the two girls knew they'd been overheard [they were over-the-top nice to me when we next met] and I wonder if your neighbour also suspects?

But I didn't.

And I also wanted to tell you about my Mum [in her 80s] who became horribly depressed because she was doing way too much for others and not enough for herself. She sold her car to my daughter last year because she was being taken for granted by so many. As she recovered from her depression all she heard was "when you are better you can take me shopping/ to the hospital appointments/ to church etc. in your car. I have missed you being able to drive me to..."

As soon as she told them she was selling the car she felt so much better, and others have filled the gap for all her erstwhile friends.

One lady in particular expected car trips at least once a week. and had never paid or even offered to pay for petrol. Over about 15 years. She has suddenly found she has enough money to pay for taxis - but she has never once asked my Mum if she can get shopping for her, or whether she'd like to go out with her in the taxi.

It is hard, but if this neighbour of yours has carers, it might be better to return the key and stop worrying!

Nelliemaggs Just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY ,hope you have a lovely day,doing things you want to do, and ????? here is some flowers for you too x