Old friend acting strangely - what to do

I had a friend for years - she was a neighbour - and she and her husband were often very kind to me, and I cherish the memory of those kindnesses. She too could be a most interesting and lively companion. I used to go on holiday with both friend and husband. At times I felt like a buffer zone, but if it worked for them I went along with it.
However, she was also very outspoken - she called it honesty- but it all went too far. I came to realise it was spiteful and bullying and because I didn't say anything it became permission for her to go to new extremes. She became used to critisising my looks, my clothes, my friends, my figure and enjoying my hurt. I spoke up and called an end to the friendship - I really had had enough. I told her that I found her extremely spiteful and that she was now treating me to the same criticism that her husband had to endure. It was the end of the friendship, and sometimes I miss her trenchant views on life but I was not going to be her Aunt Sally. I think that you have reached that point too. Don't let her have your permission to treat you badly. Best wishes.

I had a long term friend who I let go. It was a shame because we were very close, until she started wanting me to call her by another name (she didn't like her own) in front of her other friends' circle. She always admired them for their lifestyle and money, and had always wanted to aspire to that.

Nothing wrong with aspiration, but I couldn't just start calling her by her adopted name after so many years. Sadly, I realised we had grown apart and decided to stop communication. The pretence and snobbishness which emerged was quite shocking and something I couldn't participate in any longer.

Perhaps breaking away gently, putting more distance between you is the way to go if you really feel the friendship has run its course. xx

I'd write to her to avoid a potential email"war"! Say that you have treasured the long friendship. That you are disappointed if she has decided to end the friendship. That you would hope the friendship could continue as long as she accepts that you will speak your mind just as she does! If she feels that she cant you wish her well for the future!
That puts th e ball in her court but with your terms very clear and if the contact continues you can refer back to those statements in your letter...once sent, just leave it ...if she responds "argumentatively" don't respond. You have said your piece and at that point, if it happens , move on

Sorry in previous comment I meant if contact continues and she slips in to her old ways, you can refer back to your letter

This friendship sounds like it has run it's course - just let it go now. Either leave longer and longer between replying to letters etc or just stop replying altogether. You will probably miss her but others will fill the space.

Have we changed. I have spent most of my life with lots of friends. Less long term friends now as friends seem to move abroad or closer to children. I have moved also. Recently I have discontued a long lasting friendship because she got cross with me for not wanting to go shopping with her. It's a control thing. Another friend because of my husbands politics. My son I am keeping away from at the moment. He doesn't make me feel good in his company. Dismisses me at every opportunity. In the past I would have tried to grovel and carry on. But not any longer, Were we all more tolerant? OP I have decided to keep away from anyone who makes me feel bad. I am a very supportive friend, inclined to be a bit of a doormat but there is only so much I will accept. So if she makes you feel bad, move on. That's is my advice.

Time to say goodbye on this 'friendship' maybe ....you don't say if she contacted you at all whilst you were ill ...I would have expected your friend of so many years standing to at least phone to wish you well (if she knew of your illness !)

It sounds like you really do not want this friend in your life. I would simply sit back and wait to see what happens !

Don't let her nasty comments and jealousy spoil your life ...her intention may be to upset you because you have a more interesting life than she does ........send her a postcard from Florence ...enjoy your break and do not worry at all about her, if and when she feels guilty at her treatment of you she may apologise ...then it is for you to
decide whether you want to keep contact or prefer the happy memories of the friendship you once enjoyed !

Lyndie, you are doing exactly what I have been doing, even cut my own sister and her husband. out of my life. It has made my life a lot easier and stress free (well nearly). So I would say just cut her out of your life and move on.

Still in sporadic contact with the friend who referred to my new rented house as a rabbit hutch. I mentioned it years later and she was apologetic and embarrassed. As for the one who constantly put me down and criticised me, I phone her occasionally or go round, we have long nostalgic chats and I feel quite sorry for her. At least 25 years ago she told me to stop saying we were at school at the same time as I had grey hair. She has now ceased colouring her own. She also described me to someone who was going to meet me as always wearing black which didn't suit me, her equally tactless friend, meeting me for the first time repeated this within minutes ...
Life is too short to bother with these 'friends' who put you down!

To be fair to my friend, she doesn't speak unkindly about other people, in fact everybody she knows is always marvellous - and don't get me started on her children and grandchildren, she could bore for Britain on that subject. Nor does she have rows with people. She is a kind, and generous person that one would turn to (and I have) in a crisis or distress. It is just that when she is with people somehow she just has to make it clear that everything she does, thinks or owns is better than anybody elses actions thoughts or possession.

Life would be much easier if she was one of those people constantly snarling and being nasty about people. The cut would be simple. It was just that at the New Year, a tendency to wanting always to be top dog went over the top and got quite unpleasant at times, something that she hasn't done before.

As I said, I suspect she is possibly ageing fast. Her family are not long-lived and she is losing control in other areas, like keeping a semblance of order in her house.

One of my friends started to be very outspoken and make unfortunate comments a few years ago. Since then she has developed dementia and become quite passive. I miss my old lively friend even if she did sometimes put her foot in it!

If it bothers you to this extent send her an email saying what you've said here (I cannot possibly understand how you are suffering inside, however I have just arrived at a point where I will no longer allow you to make derisory remarks about my lifestyle, where I live and the sort of holidays I enjoy.) If she is prepared to stop and think, fine, if not there will be no further communication.
My other half has recently cut off communication with some friends from university (they're all over 70 now) and it's hard but sometimes I think you just have to accept that you do eventually move on.

I had a "friend" like this she alienated her friends family and even her carers. She was even Rhein off some Facebook pages as she would upset people. She fell out with everyone. I just totally backed off and didn't have any contact with her. So it's time maybe to end the friendship, what is the point if she hurts you. I'm amazed you hung in so long.

Eirel, my sister use to come round, look around my house "with that face" and say you have such a nice little house, how do you manage for visitors? It was the word little that did it for me.

Thank you to everyone for your kind and supportive comments. I'm inclined to agree that it may be the end of the road for this friendship. It is very sad because, by her own admission, I am/was her only 'real' friend. She does know a couple of married couples who she occasionally lunches with but that's about it as far as I know.

I did feel that I was somehow abandoning her, but this evening I decided to check out her Twitter. She has never posted very often in the past, so I didn't think of doing it before. Surprise, surprise, I find she has barred me from viewing her account!

It's interesting that the very first time I challenge her over a derisory remark, she accuses me of 'character assassination' and making her feel bad about herself etc etc. Apparently it's something I have always done, which is utter nonsense and so very OTT.

Another point is that, although she generally has a pin sharp memory, when she has remininisced about our earlier years, she will often attribute certain actions/words to me (nothing bad) when in fact,she has done/said the things she recounts. Of course, it would be impossible to convince her otherwise. She is very with it, so I can't really attribute it to dementia.

Thank you again for your helpful posts x

I worked out a couple of years ago, that some people who, shall we say are difficult, accuse people of the very thing they themselves are doing.
I think it is something that is in their head and they just end up saying it to and about someone else.

I think it is called projection?

Fairy - if your friend was always like this, have you considered that she might be on the autistic spectrum? Your tolerance of her remarks is probably reduced because of your serious illness. I stopped tolerating some people after my mother and first husband died in quick succession. I just thought that life was too short (very short, in my husband's case) to put up with people who take a lot more than they give. As others have said, you don't need to put up with this if you don't feel you've got the energy.

'Violette*

Meant to say...my friend was very concerned when I was ill. She used to phone my husband every single night and be on the phone for ages. He was exhausted with worry (I spent a week in the ICU then several more weeks in a geriatric ward!) and trips back and forth to the hospital. He couldn't really cope with all the phone calls as well, so sometimes he didn't answer when he saw her particular number on caller I.d -
I don't really blame him, poor man.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is, ou will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty;to provide you with guidance and support;to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.They may teach you something you have never done.They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

It's a shame when you've been friends for decades. I'm going through a similar thing myself. It's sad because they drive everybody away and become very lonely. I hope you can concentrate on yourself for now .

I might be quite wrong but it really sounds as if you ve put up with the relationship for ever without ever really liking this lady it really makes me question the word 'friend' she has certainly been in and out your life over a long period but is that friendship ? Right from the start when you first met you say you found her difficult to be with and I really wonder why you see this as a friendship which is a word to me that conjours up love and is only reserved for special people I like being with I certainly wouldn't count people who irritate and annoy me as friends

I think that it is friendship where you have always felt sorry for her, especially so since her husband died.
I have a friend like that, she is avoided by a lot of people but she does have some very good points. I meet her about twice a year and try and keep my distance.
I think that you need to just leave well alone now and not do anything- she has left it 3 months and blocked you from Twitter- it makes a natural break so don't be tempted to be the one to breach it because you feel sorry for her.

most friendships have a natural shelf-life, circumstances change and you take different paths in life. People change and so do their priorities. The caring and respect is still there but the ties that made a friendship are no longer there so the friendship comes to an end.

My husband and I were firm friends with 2 other couples. We all had children of the same age; holidayed together; socialised and enjoyed each others company, as a group, for more than 30 years. But then my husband and I separated and he moved away. I stayed in the same small town and, over the next few years; I got a new job that paid well; I bought a run down little house and slowly renovated it to a good standard; bought myself a new car and embarked on a new relationship with a lovely man (although we maintain separate homes). I tried very hard to keep my friendship alive with my old friends and they seemed happy, on the surface, to accept my new partner. I thought all was well. But then one day, I was received an email that I was quite clearly not meant to have been copied in on. It was deeply critical of me. They queried, between themselves, as to how I could possibly have afforded my house/car/holidays and had even gone so far to have totted up between them as to how much it had all cost and how on earth had I afforded it! They came to the only conclusion possible - I must have got my new partner to pay for it all! Their suggestions as to what I could possibly be doing to "earn" such largesse from my partner was crude and insulting.

I was so shockedand upset. These people had known me for more than 30 years, how could they discuss me behind my back like that. I decided to wait a day or so before responding, so that I wouldn't be so het up. Then I sent them all an email to tell them that I'd seen what they'd said about me and how wrong they were. I told them that I'd worked 2 jobs, back to back, to pay for all the things that I'd bought and that no one, including my partner, had given me one single penny. I told them how disappointed I was to learn, after all these years, that they'd had such a low opinion of me, and my morals, but my discovery meant that I could not longer consider them as friends. I blocked their phone calls and emails; made new friends and moved on.

People change. Friendships change. Nothing, it would seem, is forever. it hurts though.

It doesn't seem like either of you really like each other very much.