Old friend acting strangely - what to do

Fairydoll2030 phoning endlessly when you were ill and your husband was exhausted ...wasnt caring and concern but thoughtless selfishness!!

I think fairy has it right, jealousy of other friends and not being solely reliant on them anymore, makes them behave bizarrely. I do sometimes wonder if they ever reflect back on their behaviour and regret the loss of a good friendship or if, over time, they've justified it to themselves. Good friends, especially as we get older, are one of life's joys but I'm more wary now of being too open with people.

BlueBelle

I expect your 'best friend' didn't want to meet your other friends because she was jealous. She probably thought/hoped that your friendship was exclusive and meeting your other friends would have showed it wasn't.

The friend I refer to in my original post never liked me mentioning my other friends - although I rarely did - but sometimes these things just slip out in conversation.

What an extraordinary way for her to behave BlueBelle. Its good that you had all these other friends too though.
There's nowt so queer as folk.
As for Chewbacca - well at least she found out about how they were all thinking about her. Admirable restraint btw in waiting a day to think out the response.

That's horrible Chewbacca you certainly learn who your real friends are then, glad you moved on and made new ones
I had a situation with someone many many moons ago but it stays in my mind I would have called her my best friend at the time we knew each other inside out and confided all our secrets and chewed over our ups and downs we worked together often sat over coffee and socialised together for 16 years I also had quite a nice little circle of other friends but they weren't connected they didn't know each other One day I decided to do a meal for these various friends who all meant a lot to me and bring my friends together for a one off there was about 8 I didn't have a lot of money so rarely 'entertained' it was all arranged everyone confirmed and I was excited The meal was in the oven one by one these friends arrived and met each other they all socialised together meeting mostly for the first time Soon the meal was ready, but no best friend, we waited and waited then I had to serve to stop the food spoiling, As I was clearing the table about an hour after the staring time I heard the letterbox click There on the mat was a brief note saying she had had another last minute invite from a friend to go out and she was sorry to miss the meal.... I was mortified, totally dumbfounded I wrote her a note telling her how disappointed I was a few days later ( this was long before mobile phone days ) a note from her came through the door apologising but saying obviously I had set more importance on our friendship than she had ... can you imagine the knife I have never seen or heard from her from that day but a big lesson learned .....people aren't always what they seem

was referring to the OP here.

I thought we did stillalive. For over 30 years, I thought we did.

It doesn't seem like either of you really like each other very much.

My husband and I were firm friends with 2 other couples. We all had children of the same age; holidayed together; socialised and enjoyed each others company, as a group, for more than 30 years. But then my husband and I separated and he moved away. I stayed in the same small town and, over the next few years; I got a new job that paid well; I bought a run down little house and slowly renovated it to a good standard; bought myself a new car and embarked on a new relationship with a lovely man (although we maintain separate homes). I tried very hard to keep my friendship alive with my old friends and they seemed happy, on the surface, to accept my new partner. I thought all was well. But then one day, I was received an email that I was quite clearly not meant to have been copied in on. It was deeply critical of me. They queried, between themselves, as to how I could possibly have afforded my house/car/holidays and had even gone so far to have totted up between them as to how much it had all cost and how on earth had I afforded it! They came to the only conclusion possible - I must have got my new partner to pay for it all! Their suggestions as to what I could possibly be doing to "earn" such largesse from my partner was crude and insulting.

I was so shockedand upset. These people had known me for more than 30 years, how could they discuss me behind my back like that. I decided to wait a day or so before responding, so that I wouldn't be so het up. Then I sent them all an email to tell them that I'd seen what they'd said about me and how wrong they were. I told them that I'd worked 2 jobs, back to back, to pay for all the things that I'd bought and that no one, including my partner, had given me one single penny. I told them how disappointed I was to learn, after all these years, that they'd had such a low opinion of me, and my morals, but my discovery meant that I could not longer consider them as friends. I blocked their phone calls and emails; made new friends and moved on.

People change. Friendships change. Nothing, it would seem, is forever. it hurts though.

most friendships have a natural shelf-life, circumstances change and you take different paths in life. People change and so do their priorities. The caring and respect is still there but the ties that made a friendship are no longer there so the friendship comes to an end.

I think that it is friendship where you have always felt sorry for her, especially so since her husband died.
I have a friend like that, she is avoided by a lot of people but she does have some very good points. I meet her about twice a year and try and keep my distance.
I think that you need to just leave well alone now and not do anything- she has left it 3 months and blocked you from Twitter- it makes a natural break so don't be tempted to be the one to breach it because you feel sorry for her.

I might be quite wrong but it really sounds as if you ve put up with the relationship for ever without ever really liking this lady it really makes me question the word 'friend' she has certainly been in and out your life over a long period but is that friendship ? Right from the start when you first met you say you found her difficult to be with and I really wonder why you see this as a friendship which is a word to me that conjours up love and is only reserved for special people I like being with I certainly wouldn't count people who irritate and annoy me as friends

It's a shame when you've been friends for decades. I'm going through a similar thing myself. It's sad because they drive everybody away and become very lonely. I hope you can concentrate on yourself for now .

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is, ou will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty;to provide you with guidance and support;to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.They may teach you something you have never done.They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

'Violette*

Meant to say...my friend was very concerned when I was ill. She used to phone my husband every single night and be on the phone for ages. He was exhausted with worry (I spent a week in the ICU then several more weeks in a geriatric ward!) and trips back and forth to the hospital. He couldn't really cope with all the phone calls as well, so sometimes he didn't answer when he saw her particular number on caller I.d -
I don't really blame him, poor man.

Fairy - if your friend was always like this, have you considered that she might be on the autistic spectrum? Your tolerance of her remarks is probably reduced because of your serious illness. I stopped tolerating some people after my mother and first husband died in quick succession. I just thought that life was too short (very short, in my husband's case) to put up with people who take a lot more than they give. As others have said, you don't need to put up with this if you don't feel you've got the energy.

I worked out a couple of years ago, that some people who, shall we say are difficult, accuse people of the very thing they themselves are doing.
I think it is something that is in their head and they just end up saying it to and about someone else.

I think it is called projection?

Thank you to everyone for your kind and supportive comments. I'm inclined to agree that it may be the end of the road for this friendship. It is very sad because, by her own admission, I am/was her only 'real' friend. She does know a couple of married couples who she occasionally lunches with but that's about it as far as I know.

I did feel that I was somehow abandoning her, but this evening I decided to check out her Twitter. She has never posted very often in the past, so I didn't think of doing it before. Surprise, surprise, I find she has barred me from viewing her account!

It's interesting that the very first time I challenge her over a derisory remark, she accuses me of 'character assassination' and making her feel bad about herself etc etc. Apparently it's something I have always done, which is utter nonsense and so very OTT.

Another point is that, although she generally has a pin sharp memory, when she has remininisced about our earlier years, she will often attribute certain actions/words to me (nothing bad) when in fact,she has done/said the things she recounts. Of course, it would be impossible to convince her otherwise. She is very with it, so I can't really attribute it to dementia.

Thank you again for your helpful posts x

Eirel, my sister use to come round, look around my house "with that face" and say you have such a nice little house, how do you manage for visitors? It was the word little that did it for me.

I had a "friend" like this she alienated her friends family and even her carers. She was even Rhein off some Facebook pages as she would upset people. She fell out with everyone. I just totally backed off and didn't have any contact with her. So it's time maybe to end the friendship, what is the point if she hurts you. I'm amazed you hung in so long.

If it bothers you to this extent send her an email saying what you've said here (I cannot possibly understand how you are suffering inside, however I have just arrived at a point where I will no longer allow you to make derisory remarks about my lifestyle, where I live and the sort of holidays I enjoy.) If she is prepared to stop and think, fine, if not there will be no further communication.
My other half has recently cut off communication with some friends from university (they're all over 70 now) and it's hard but sometimes I think you just have to accept that you do eventually move on.

One of my friends started to be very outspoken and make unfortunate comments a few years ago. Since then she has developed dementia and become quite passive. I miss my old lively friend even if she did sometimes put her foot in it!

To be fair to my friend, she doesn't speak unkindly about other people, in fact everybody she knows is always marvellous - and don't get me started on her children and grandchildren, she could bore for Britain on that subject. Nor does she have rows with people. She is a kind, and generous person that one would turn to (and I have) in a crisis or distress. It is just that when she is with people somehow she just has to make it clear that everything she does, thinks or owns is better than anybody elses actions thoughts or possession.

Life would be much easier if she was one of those people constantly snarling and being nasty about people. The cut would be simple. It was just that at the New Year, a tendency to wanting always to be top dog went over the top and got quite unpleasant at times, something that she hasn't done before.

As I said, I suspect she is possibly ageing fast. Her family are not long-lived and she is losing control in other areas, like keeping a semblance of order in her house.

Still in sporadic contact with the friend who referred to my new rented house as a rabbit hutch. I mentioned it years later and she was apologetic and embarrassed. As for the one who constantly put me down and criticised me, I phone her occasionally or go round, we have long nostalgic chats and I feel quite sorry for her. At least 25 years ago she told me to stop saying we were at school at the same time as I had grey hair. She has now ceased colouring her own. She also described me to someone who was going to meet me as always wearing black which didn't suit me, her equally tactless friend, meeting me for the first time repeated this within minutes ...
Life is too short to bother with these 'friends' who put you down!

Lyndie, you are doing exactly what I have been doing, even cut my own sister and her husband. out of my life. It has made my life a lot easier and stress free (well nearly). So I would say just cut her out of your life and move on.