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Play school

(40 Posts)
Buddly Wed 25-Jan-17 10:55:49

My GD has just started playschool, she is 2yrs. old. Before, she was a very happy confidant little girl and would happily stay with me or her other gran or anyone really. She had the first day tears leaving her mum but everyone assured her that after 5 minutes she was playing happily and when daughter goes to get her after 2 hrs. she doesn't want to leave. But she now has a terrible seperation anxiety and won't go to anyone without crying and sobbing. Yesterday she was with me and when she woke from her afternoon nap she screamed for her mum, was inconsolable and then after 5 minutes all was fine.
Just wondered if any of you wise grans out there can give some advice. The play school want mum to leave her and go immediately the longer she stays the worse it will be. I can't help thinking that if mum stays with her for a bit and lets her get settled maybe she would be more relaxed about her leaving but apparently I'm wrong.
I had 3 years of tears with my daughter, she never really accepted happily going to play school so that's why I'm worried.

Jalima Thu 26-Jan-17 18:10:54

I'd quite like to see more State support for SAHMS. I do think that two is too young, especially if nursery is all day.

Iam64 Thu 26-Jan-17 17:55:44

We're all different and all our babies and grandchildren will have responded in a slightly different way to beginning that process of not always being with our mothers. I do wish the UK was more like the Netherlands or some of the Scandi countries, where longer paternal leave is available, child care is excellent and state subsidised. The latest research says children in the Netherlands are the happiest in Europe. this doesn't surprise me at all and contrasts negatively with outcomes for children in the Uk.
I'm all for sensitive, compassionate, excellent highly skilled care of children, whether its by parents or alternative carers. I dislike the competitive nature of some discussions (not this one thankfully) which castigate working mothers and see childcare as the preserve of mothers/grandmothers/women. Children need to learn to be independent and by that, I don't mean thrown in at the deep end and left to sink.

Jalima Thu 26-Jan-17 17:51:32

pollyperkins when I went to fetch DD (age 3) after her first morning at playgroup she burst into tears - the playgroup leader said she had been fine all morning. I asked what was wrong and she said 'I don't want to go, I want to stay here for ever!'

Buddly Thu 26-Jan-17 17:39:34

Twice this week GD cried when she saw her mum arrive to get her after 2 hrs.( first few weeks they only do a short stay) couldn't help thinking how unhappy she must have felt to burst into tears on seeing her mum. Am I really losing the plot now ? smile
I went to get her today and although happy to leave she wanted to show me around and it took us 20 minutes to come away. She was very relaxed when I got there, very calm and smiling, I expected to see her tense and worried etc. So that's cheered me up.
I think we just need time, getting there gradually.

elleks Thu 26-Jan-17 15:18:10

I started primary school at 4, and sobbed every morning for a week. I was fine the rest of the day.

pollyperkins Thu 26-Jan-17 14:40:23

They are all different. When I left my elder son at playgroup aged 3 I was told to come back after an hour on the first day. But when I appeared he was having too much fun and shouted No Mummy, Go away! I didnt know whether to be pleased or upset!
My second was much more clingy and it was really difficult to leave him at 3 - he wouldnt let go of me and cried hysterically when I left, though I was told he settled down ok later. In fact he was clingy generally at that time - I was expecting my 3rd and I think it made hime feel insecure. He followed me round the house like a little shadow. But he was fine when he started school at 4.5 . My 3rd was also a bit clingy but not as bad.
Most of my GCs have been left at nursery aged one (though not every day) and some have settled well and loved it and others never really enjoyed it. They are all individuals.
I think they do need to get used to playing with other children - staying at home with Mum all the time isnt necessarily good. Ive changed my mind on this over the years!

Legs55 Thu 26-Jan-17 13:41:00

I had to return to work when DD was 18 months old, she went to a Childminder who had several children of varying ages. When I first left DD I would hand her over at the door, soon I could take her in & say goodbye, before long she was running in not even waiting to say goodbye to mehmm

I never had any problems leaving her at Pre-School Nursery or either of her Primary Schools. I do agree staying at home is best but not always possible, problems may still happen when they start School if they haven't already been used to being left at Pre-School.

Nelliemoser Thu 26-Jan-17 13:15:29

For financial and career reasons DD had to return to work 3 days a week after her two maternity leaves. The boys both went to day nursery at about 10mnths. DGS1 took a long while to settle at nursery with good days and bad.

When DGS 2 went he settled in much quicker to the point where he said goodbye and crawled off into the play room as fast as he could.
The nursery DD chose has, at present, an "Outststanding Offstead rating." The staff do not change much.
DS1 really adores his "special" carer, the same one he has had all the time. That continuity seems to have helped him a lot.
DD says that carer was new when DGS1 started and she has seen that staff member develop her skills and confidence over this time. DGs will start at school in September just before his fifth birthday. It might be a shock but he knows one little girl from his nursery who will hopefully go to the same school.

Lewlew Thu 26-Jan-17 12:55:47

Our DGD has been going to nursery 3 days a week (one half day, two whole) since age 12 months. She's now just coming up to 18 months and loves it.

She was very clingy until mum went back to work, and there were tears at nursery when she'd drop her off. But so were half the others being left by mums!

She settled withing two weeks and stopped crying when dropped off. Whilst at nursery, she got used to be carried about by lots of different teachers before walking. So much so to the point when we picked her up, her arms were reaching out to me before I got to her room's doorway!

She is walking now. We bring her here on the half-day and have a great time. BUT as soon as mum or dad shows up to fetch her from ours... she only wants them to pick her up, but does not cry, just reaches and reaches until they take her and cuddle.

Sorry for the epistle, but I think it's normal to be clingy and fuss. If loud and long, maybe the routine isn't fixed in their head yet. And, some children I think are just very sensitive. blush

SussexGirl60 Thu 26-Jan-17 12:05:02

Hi, if she is ok there after the initial separation, I think things are ok. I know it's hard not to take it personally when she cries with you, but I think she's just a little unsettled especially when she's waking from sleep when she may be more confused. If I had my way, all children would be home with their parents until school but it isn't going to happen-my GD is going to nursery full time soon and already cries when her mum walks away from her for a minute so I dread to think what she'll be like. If it's any consolation, my son was like your GD-but it seems that he grew up ok and is a confident, very sociable and healthy adult. I think she needs a few months more to settle down..and if she's ok while her mum is away, I think things will be fine.

Buddly Thu 26-Jan-17 10:53:11

I think that 2 is very young too. Before this she was at a tiny sort of pre playschool group with a lovely lady and 2 other children her age and she loved it but it really didn't compare to playschool as it was like a second home and she still talks about the lady now so she has happy memories of that.
Fairydoll2030- you described my situation perfectly in your first paragraph!

I just can't bear to think of her upset and crying......getting soft in my old age, daughter is much more calm about it and is just trying for a while longer before making a decision as it's only the first week.

Thank you everyone for your advice and comments, it really helps -smile

Elegran Thu 26-Jan-17 10:52:48

When I ran one we left it to the mothers to decide whether to stay or leave. We soon found that with several mothers staying on at the same time, they tended to congregate together with cups of coffee for a blether while the children played happily at all the lovely messy things and listened to stories, ignoring their mothers completely. Mum was there, but not focussing attention on them and worrying that they were ok - so they were OK, just as they would have been if Mum were socialising with a friend.

After a few days, the mothers could say they were going out now and would be back when they had done the shopping or the washing or whatever. Almost always the answer was something like, "Right, goodbye" without even turning away from the sandpit or the lego bricks, and if there was a bit of resistance, one of the staff would start up some interesting diversion.

Sheilasue Thu 26-Jan-17 10:43:37

Yes as sad as it is to leave them like that it's best to go straight away my son used to get so upset and that was in reception even though he settled in nursery. I wa a TA in a reception class and we always used to tell mum to go and they were fine after about 20 minutes. A little cuddle often helped.

Mrsdof Thu 26-Jan-17 10:43:21

When I ran a playgroup many moons ago, we suggested the mother left something of theirs with the child so that the child could look after it for Mummy until she came back to get them. The child would usually carry the item around with them for about 5mins and then it would get forgotten but if they then got a bit anxious they could go back to looking after it for Mummy. It usually worked and the child felt quite grown up to be in charge of something of Mummy's!

Teddy123 Thu 26-Jan-17 10:35:07

Back in the day I tried one of my twins at playschool age 3 ..... I thought she would love it being a very sociable toddler. Wrong! was carried home on the 2 mornings we tried screaming for her mummy! I hadn't tried with her twin brother as I realised he was a clingy child and not ready.

Moving on 3 months later tried again with my daughter and all was fine. Her brother then joined 3 months after. All fine with them both .... Though my son did attempt to pull my arm out if it's socket the first time I left him! They only went 2 mornings a week ....

So when my first grandson went to nursery at 8 months old ... I was a little nervous. We had him 3 afternoons a week .... Rest of the time nursery. It has been the most wonderful experience for him. He's made some lovely friendships with the other little ones and the nursery nurses, who are fabulous caring young women. In a perfect world perhaps he would be home with mummy each day. That said I think he's confident, articulate, and a very happy little boy who I'm hoping will find the transition to 'real school' far less of an issue.

The point I'm trying to make is that we only send our toddlers to play school so they can have fun. If they're upset what's the point. Leave it a few months and try again.

MissAdventure Thu 26-Jan-17 10:34:36

I think 2 is young. My phone almost wrote that I thought 20 is young!
2 is just a baby, really.
Still, times have changed since my daughter went to playschool. (They had to be "clean" in those days to be accepted.

radicalnan Thu 26-Jan-17 10:26:23

Two is so young.............sad

gettingonabit Thu 26-Jan-17 10:25:21

I think it's too young, too. I would suggest withdrawing littlun until she's able to cope better, if possible. There's plenty of other things to occupy small children if need be.

Afaik children don't really make little friends as such until they're about 4?.

Maybe your tot finds being with other children stressful?

Oldgreymare Thu 26-Jan-17 10:18:35

I withdrew DS2, He used to find a comfy corner and go to sleep! Best avoidance strategy ever. I supposed he knew I would be there when he woke up. I made sure he had lots of pre-school activities tho'.

annodomini Thu 26-Jan-17 10:14:39

It helps if the child is used to the company of other children. I took mine to a mums and toddlers club where the mums sat and gossiped chatted-- while the little ones played alongside each other and we were available to go to the rescue if mayhem broke out which it rarely did. Often the children at playgroup were some of those they were familiar with from the club. The only time I remember tears was when I was teaching an extra-mural class and DS2 was in the college creche with which he was unfamiliar.

SewAddict Thu 26-Jan-17 10:07:10

As an early years teacher my experience is some children need a much more gradual withdrawal from mum. Some are better with being left quickly with no fuss but for those with more anxiety the parent should be allowed to stay with the child and a programme of gradual withdrawal put in place. It is much kinder. I do think 2 is very young and I agree it may be better to leave it for a year!

jessycake Thu 26-Jan-17 09:58:58

Having worked in a Nursery I found mums who stayed were often just delaying the inevitable pain , a cuddle ,reasurance that they will come back soon and leave and most children will be fine in a few minutes . Having said that if she doesnt have to go because Mum has to work, I dont think I would put such a young child through it , I would find toddler groups to socialise and do some of the nursery activities at home .

JessM Thu 26-Jan-17 09:48:43

Both mine like that. I naively left oldest in a university nursery at 3 and had to get on with my course. But he was still sobbing a little hours later. They do not all settle.
Younger one eventually got settled in playgroup at 3 after a very slow period of withdrawal. Sit and play. Then go to kitchen to get something for one minute. Gradually build up kitchen time as he got more interested in playing with others. Then go across the road to the shop for 5 minutes. Then 10. etc
I agree that 2 is the worst age to make the transition from full time home to playgroup/nursery.

Deedaa Wed 25-Jan-17 18:48:03

I think 2 is very young. GS3 has been going since he was two, but he has always loved it. GS1 &2 didn't go till they were 3. perhaps it would help if this little one went to a few things she can do with Mummy.GS 1 & 2 both went to Music With Mummy and got used to having people around and joining in before they were left on their own.

grannypiper Wed 25-Jan-17 16:37:09

Having worked in Pre-Schools for decades, i can honestly say 2 years old is too young but then so is full day care at a only months old.Best thing the Mum can do is remove the little one and try again next year. Wait until summer then start talking to the child about the fun she will,the things she will do and the friends she will meet. Until then build her confidence, and allow her short periods of time to be alone, (sometimes parents dont allow this and hover over their child every second of the day) allow her to choose what she wants to do in the day bit most of all allow her to become bored at times