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Aspergers in grandchild

(19 Posts)
LongtoothedGran Fri 03-Feb-17 10:02:11

I have a 6 year old GD who has all her life had to conform to strict timetables over eating and going to bed. Father cant be still, and always tidying and grumbling about putting things away. GD has moved schools, but although happier, we are told they cannot stay at our house ever again because the meals are not strictly to time. so now the younger brother is showing signs with tantrums and screaming. When they are alone with us there is never a problem. They are seeing a psychologist who says they are extremely unhappy. We feel we are being denied any time with them, and can see what is happening, but they will not listen.What can we do? Daughter is very stressed and in need of help.

mumofmadboys Fri 03-Feb-17 11:06:41

Would it be possible to stick to their timetable at your house ie meals at set times to keep the peace and enable your GC to stay? Hopefully the psychologist will give them some advice and it will easier for them to accept from an outsider. Very difficult for you.x

rosesarered Fri 03-Feb-17 11:14:12

Unfortunately it sounds as if your Asperger son-in-law is hard to live with ( I have experience of this!) has the GD got a diagnosis herself of this, or is the problem everyone having to conform to what the Father needs?It is likely that one or more of the children will inherit Aspergers.My DGS has his meals and bedtimes at strict times, and in fact a timetable for everything, so that he always knows what is happening.When with us however, he is happy and relaxed and we need not stick to any timetable ( but he feels so secure here we can do this as a treat) so he tells me when he is hungry.
Could you not promise to have all meals at set times when they come to visit you?
You would have to stick to it though.

LongtoothedGran Fri 03-Feb-17 11:16:19

Thanks, Yes we do try. but D never seems to trust that we will. I think she has a problem herself, and if I suggested that, we should be in trouble.

rosesarered Fri 03-Feb-17 11:24:52

Tell her that you really will have meals at set times,( I agree, don't suggest that she has a problem! The fur really would fly then.)

notanan Fri 03-Feb-17 22:10:15

Does it really matter if they don't stay at your house?
There are many other ways you could see them surely fitting into their timetable and familiar routine?
Can you not adjust your expectations of the format you expect time together to look like? it doesn't have to be at your house to be worthwhile.

Anya Fri 03-Feb-17 22:47:53

Say something like 'I understand how you feel (!) so let's give this another go, sticking to all meals times, I hadn't realised it was causing a problem'.

If that works good, but if it's just an excuse to stop the GC staying over, then there's not much you can do except hope you get to see them at other times.

agm1234 Sat 04-Feb-17 20:45:58

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rosesarered Sat 04-Feb-17 21:37:07

I think that I can make out what you say agm that Grandmothers need rest and not payment by the State, when they look after their Grandchildren.I suppose money would buy a short break now and again though, and if Grandparents look after DGC on a permanent basis it will be very tiring.I do this a couple to three times a week and find it tiring.

Luckylegs9 Sun 05-Feb-17 06:51:45

To keep contact going, I would agree to conform for now, to what the father wants as it is definately over the top, but the children need your input. I woukd say to sil, sorry I caused a problem, from now on I will stick to your timetable, you will have them to yourself and be normal, your daughter can have a rest from his struck regime, the longer contact you have with your gc the better.

Jane10 Sun 05-Feb-17 07:45:19

In AS rules are often situation dependent hence your GCs don't have a problem with meal times when they are at your house.
Its not easy. Not easy at all. You'll have to pick your way through this.
Nice idea of Luckylegs9 to think of giving your DD a break. Bet she needs it. There are support groups for partners in various parts of the country btw.

f77ms Sun 05-Feb-17 08:35:06

Have I missed something? why are people saying the Father has ASD , maybe it has been said in an earlier thread?

thatbags Sun 05-Feb-17 08:51:20

Who told you that the psychologist they are seeing says they are extremely unhappy?

thatbags Sun 05-Feb-17 08:56:21

And who are the 'they' who are seeing a psychologist? The kids or the parents or the whole family?

"Showing signs of tantrums and screaming"???? Do you mean he is having tantrums and screaming (which would certainly be signs of those things) or is it just hissy fits and squeaks? How do you detect tantrums and screaming unless they happen?

"showing signs of" could mean he's had one tantrum/screaming session.

Christinefrance Sun 05-Feb-17 09:05:09

I am confused here too I thought it was the grandchild with Aspergers. I think you should keep to the timetable at your house too as mumofmadboys said, at least that way you get to see the children and you can be more relaxed about other things. Good luck.

MawBroon Sun 05-Feb-17 09:09:55

I fear agm might just be advertising his book which is not particularly helpful to OP.
Not an easy problem to solve if DD and SIL are intransigent, but I do hope you find a way round it.
Just perhaps missing something though, where does it say the grandchild has Aspergers apart from the thread title?

Rinouchka Sun 05-Feb-17 09:15:35

Confused by this thread last night when I first read it and confusion not rsoolved this morning on second reading.
Could you clarify Longtoothed?

Rinouchka Sun 05-Feb-17 09:16:09


Nelliemoser Sun 05-Feb-17 09:52:36

I am posting this again.

In my experience it is not easy to live with many of the signs of this condition.
Does the SIL know he has the signs of AS and would he be prepared to get help to help him modify some of the behaviours that are damaging their relationship?

However Aspergers was barely known about until the 1990s all the issues that have been a problem for my OH are far too ingrained. I wonder if younger people may be able to get more help.

However my OH despite my best attempts does not seem able to address the behaviours which in general stresses out him and every one else he comes into contact with.

I have lived with it so long I can recognise signs in others quite quickly.

All of which raises the issue that, should people with AS be asked to try and modify the aspects of their behaviour that can cause very real difficulties for the person and those around them in relationships and work settings, or is that not allowing them to be "who they are."?