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Grandaughter behaver worring me

(13 Posts)
deb131 Sat 04-Feb-17 03:05:11

I have 5 grandchildren 12 10 9 2 and a new born. The problem is the 10 and 9 year old which are both girls and cousins are not getting along .one of the girls behaver is very odd although she is 9 years old she acts like a two year old constantley crying throwing herself on floor wanting to sit on her mums knee wont even put on her own clothes has to be dresed. Taken to toilet and when she visits our home she will not listern to her mom or us as her grandparents .she throws herself on floor and crys if our other grandaughter is playing or doing something she wont share and she has to be in charge of the game if not she tells her mom that our other grandaughter is mean to her or swore at her or even stole money out of her mothers purse and blamed our other grandaughter .if i try to tell her off her mum says we have favourate grandchildren which we dont we love all our grandkids .she wont eat the meals we make and her mum ends up giving her something completly diffrent she also takes hours to eat its like she wants everyones attention all the time weve tried to spend time with just her but she just screemed and cryed all day saying her cousin is alowed to be naughty which she isnt but as my other grandaughter lives with me she went in her room and destroyed it saying it wasnt her and her mum beleaved her. Weve tried to speak to her mum but she wont have anything said about her daughter who also has a 2 year old who is starting to behave the same .our daughters parenting skills are very bad. She very rarley cooks a meal constant take aways She is a single parent and beleaves we should help her pay for her kids as we have other grandkids to pay for.she get benefits to help her with kids and me and her father work and get no financial help for other grandkids .and because her kids have no father in there lives she says the girls shouldnt be disciplined as there is only her to tell them off .but she doesnt .i know she is very jealous that two of our grandchildren live with us but we had no choice in the end but to raise them .we spend the same anount of money on all grandkids on all grandchildren for birthdays and christmas but i know my daughter checks how much each child has got its becoming very expensive as i cant even buy the two grandchildren were raising .a school uniform as we have to buy other grandkids.clothes two not saying the 10 year old grandaughter is an angel as she isnt and she will argue with her cousin but when both girls are at my home its unbarable.the 9 year old constantley cry and lies and acts like she is 2 years old leaving the 10 year old to scared to say or do anything incaes her auntie starts blaming her for her cousins behaver.its not fare making the 2 grandkids go to there friends or one of us either me or my husband having to go out with the 2 grandkids just because the 9 year old is coming just to have some peace .the 9 year old has no friends at home at school as everyone says she acts like a baby crying at everyone if she doesnt get her own way.other children do not like my 9 year old grandaughter turned up at the other grandaughters ballet lesson and when i went to pick her up the 10 year old had been sent outside i thought she had been naughty only to find out later the teacher was told that the 10 year old was picking on her cousin and my 9 year old was sat on the teachers knee crying saying she had been bullied only to find out by other parents and children that she was telling lies now the 10 year old wont go back to class even thought her cousin only went a couple of times.her mom only sent her there to be ackward as they were loads s of diffrent dance schools she could of gone two and its very sad as my 10 year old had been attending sice she was 3 I just want the family to be able to spend time together without the grandaugter spoiling for everyone else .my other daughter wont come to my house if her 9 year old niece is there she waits till she gone home and she isnt jealous of her niece and nephew .and understands we love all our grandkids and will do what we can for all of them

Grannyknot Sat 04-Feb-17 07:02:23

Dear Deb, this sounds like a very difficult situation, and I'm not sure that it is something that the people on Gransnet can solve (I'd love to be able to help with advice, but I can't), perhaps someone else will come along with advice for you.

At least you can unburden yourself on Gransnet, which is bound to be a help. You seem to do a lot for your family, give yourself a break, you can't fix everything. None of us can.

Oh, for life to be simple...

Andyf Sat 04-Feb-17 08:09:08

You are in a tricky corner Deb. It sounds as though the 9 year old is wanting the attention that this behaviour gives her. I wouldn't know how to deal with it either. Could you maybe have a chat with your daughter when there are no children around? Although from what you wrote maybe that wouldn't work.
Are you in the USA?

f77ms Sat 04-Feb-17 08:38:50

I really don`t know what to say, your post was quite difficult to read ! Your GD sounds very unhappy and is maybe acting out to get attention , does she get much positive attention from her Mum or only when she is behaving badly ? Your DD also sounds unhappy and jealous of the GC you bring up , you don`t say why you bring them up but maybe this has some bearing . She is bound to defend her own child it is only natural especially if she thinks the ones you bring up are favoured . A very unhappy situation for all concerned but maybe you could take this little girl out , just the two of you and spend some time just with her , maybe she will open up about what is making her feel so unhappy and angry with the world . Are you in the US?

annsixty Sat 04-Feb-17 08:57:17

You all need professional help.

Christinefrance Sat 04-Feb-17 09:05:22

Yes this problem is not going to be resolved quickly. I think the whole family need a strategy for helping this child with professional advice. Deb you need to take a step back and try to see the picture less emotionally, I know it's hard when your family is in trouble.

grannypiper Sat 04-Feb-17 09:52:19

Deb I really feel for you, you sound as though you have the world on your shoulders. I think you need to find a family support worker. If i was you i would break this problem down into segments, firstly, my home, that is your domain and visitors including your Daughter and her children, must abide by your rules. You pay for who lives in your house, no-one else ! Your Daughter is a adult tell her to act like one and parent her own children and while she is at it pay for them.
If you have gaurdianship of your other Grandchildren then you will be entitled to child benefit, please look into that.
Your daughter may not like the new rules and no doubt will have a strop but she will need you before you need her.
Goodluck and please take care of yourself.brew & cupcake

Floradora9 Sat 04-Feb-17 16:00:23

You do not say how this difficult child behaves in school , is she OK there ? I do not see a teacher letting her behave like this in the classroom without something being done about it .

Elrel Mon 13-Feb-17 12:15:03

deb - I really feel for you. You are successfully bringing up two GC, no easy task. And that is just the beginning of your concerns for your family.
The 9 year old is, it seems, very unhappy and envies her 10 year old cousin who lives with you. She wants have everything she has. She also may be copying her toddler sister who, because of her age, needs and hopefully gets, her mother's attention.
Try to get the older girl back to ballet class, the other children and parents there saw what happened and are likely to welcome her back. It's a pity to lose an activity she enjoys because of an unpleasant incident.
As another poster suggested, perhaps you could go with the 9 year old's mother to her school and discuss her behaviour there and what is being done to assess and support her. It is sad that she has no friends there, some schools have Buddy systems or involve children in activities at lunch times. Has her mother discussed her behaviour with their doctor?
You're in a difficult situation, try any possibility of getting help. There may be grants availble for school uniforms or nearly new sales at the school.
All the best, 💐

elena Mon 13-Feb-17 13:15:20

Deb131 - are you going to come back and comment? It's hard to progress with support and info if you don't respond.

It sounds like a very difficult situation, which may need outside help. The school(s) your granddaughters attend could be a good source of information on where to find professional help.

starbird Mon 13-Feb-17 16:24:42

Deb131. you are very brave and honest to set it all out like this. Unfortunately as the 9yr girl's mother will not accept that her behaviour is unnatural, there is probably nothing you can do to get help. It sounds as though she is very jealous of the 2 yr old sibling and is acting like the 2yr old to get affection. This is not surprising if she has had her mother to herself for 7 years. Also if she is fed stories of how her cousins that live with you are being spoiled and she is left out it all makes sense. Unfortunately this poor girl is a victim of her mother's lack of parenting skills. Your daughter needs help to be a mother - even wild animals train their babies and keep them in line but as you say she will not listen to you, your hands are tied. . Is there anyone else your daughter will listen to for advice and help? What does your husband think? If things don't change this poor girl may get into real trouble and be taken into care.
Would it be better for you to go to their house and take some good home cooked food, or have her round to your house sometimes without her mum and the toddler, and if she behaves like a 2yr old, completely ignore her until she stops. Or, you could take the two girls 9 & 10yr olds out say to the pictures or whatever they would like to do, and treat them the same, but make it clear that this outing is for grown up girks and she would have to behave like a grown up or you would all go straight back home. You could also make a point of thanking and /or praising the 9yr old on every possible occasion when she acts nicely. If she never does, then quietly thank/praise the other grandchildren when they deserve it (eg if they are polite, lay the table, finish their meal) so that maybe the girl will want to copy them to get some praise herself. It will take a lot of patience, and may take a long time, but it would be a shame to give up on her without trying.

Starlady Mon 13-Feb-17 21:43:32

Deb, you are a saint for raising the 2 gc who need you and, no, you don't have to buy your other gc all the same things you buy them. Yes, be equal about Xmas and birthday presents but that's all. Jealous dd and the other gc need to understand that it's as if the ones who live with you are your kids. You don't have to do for others everything you do for them.

It definitely sounds as if the 9 has emotional problems and maybe so does her mom. The baby will develop them, too, if she's exposed to too much of this horrible behavior. They need counseling, but that's up to their mom.

Agree with grannypiper's "rules," etc. Jealouse dd might cut you out, for a while, but maybe you and the grands you're raising would be better off. You can't do much to help the 9 or the 2, but you can help and protect the gc you're raising. In fact, it's really your job to do that, imo. So if setting new rules and perhaps even pushing the jealous ones away a little bit will make things better for the ones you're raising, then that may be a good thing. It may sound harsh, but it may be true.

About the ballet class, can you enroll the 10 in another one? And this time don't let the other cousins know about it?

IngeJones Tue 14-Feb-17 09:21:21

These days it is known that even children can suffer from mental illness. I'd take her to her doctor just to make sure it's simply a behavioural issue to be managed and not a sign of depression etc.