Coping with loss

That's really good advice paddyann. DD best friend is having to deal with letting go of family and although your daughter is also dealing with the loss and I can't say for sure but maybe when people are terminal and dealing with all their sometimes terrifying emotions trying to cheer family and friends up is just too much to bear. Definitely an upbeat letter is the right thing to do and all the best to you at this time.

My friend's husband is dying and they are finding it hard even to have their children there. So please tell your daughter not to feel upset but to write and send love. I email my friend very frequently and she can read them and answer when she has time but there is no pressure on her. It may be the family finding things difficult in your daughter's friend's case too.

I can understand that the dying friend only wants family. Unless you have experienced it you dont realise that there is a definite atmosphere in the room whem someone is approaching death and the dying person uaually only wants the absolutely closest person near them and sometimes not even that.
Very often death comes after the visitor has left.

You can be the wrong person. MIL was in a half coma and I sat at the bedside holding her hand. Suddenly she sat up with her last strength and looked directly at me and saw the wrong person. Later DH came into the room but it was too late.
Your DD must treasure her memories and perhaps write a letter
and not feel upset by what is a very natural reaction. In real life it is different to a film with death bed scenes to weep over!

Reading this has made me realise what we have and never forget our love for each other I read your comments daily and as a very private person you all make me feel as if I have friends out there . Thank you

My sister sadly passed away last October and the last few weeks of her life in hospital she only wanted close family to visit she did not want any of her friends or step brothers and sisters the reason she gave was she did not want them to see her like she was. They would text her and occasionally she would text them back but we kept everyone in touch by phoning them most nights. I agree with what others have said send a card or letter to say you are thinking of her or ask the family if they could keep in touch with you. I think if you just turned up your friend could be nasty with you I no my sister would of been if someone did that. Remember the memories you have of her and treasure them.

I didn't see my friend for the last 18 months of her life. She sort of cut us out of her life. I guess for the reason she didn't want us to see her so Ill it still hurts now but had to respect her wishes

Thank you pinkjj27 that was very bravery of you to be so open and many of us will remember and be thankful for your insight.

Anya thank you I feel my husbands death wasn't in vain if my experiences can help others.

When I got my diagnosis DH manned the phone and vetted visitors but wasn't really needed as I didn't get many. I would have been upset if people just turned up especially if I was tired and resting.
Please think about the patient and put their wishes first.

When my best friend's husband was in intensive care with an unknown illness, i pointed out to her that being as he was a very private man would he have wanted all and sundry coming to see him, especially when he was so vulnerable. He had held a high ranking job in the fire service and was always so pristine in his appearance. Obviously while in hospitl and so poorly his appearance was unkempt, he would fling of the bed covers exposing himself. He would have hated it for people to see him that way. She had been in such a state that untill I pointed this out to her it just hadnt occurred. She informed staff that only family were allowed to visit until he could make the decision for him self. Thankfully he recovered and survived.

Not the same I know but when I was recovering from Cancer I turned visitors away and it was because I was so exhausted.Please don't take it personally as I'm sure it isn't meant like that. Maybe a personal note to let them know they are in your thoughts . Sending Hugs x

When our much loved friend was diagnosed I asked his wife, (one of my closest friends,) whether he wanted visitors and she said no. We respected his wishes, even though we had known him for years, it's up to the person who is ill.

I do think you have to respect the wishes of any-one who is terminally ill. I have been through this a few times, a letter & a lovely photo is a very good idea.

A very moving post pinkjj27'

When my husband was ill and not expected to live much live much longer, he didn't want anyone to see him in such poor health, he wanted to be remembered by his friends as the larger than life, healthy, full of fun, sports mad man that he was in his younger days. Maybe daughter's friend wants to be remembered in her prime too. I know my husband did.

You have got respect wishes little notes are a good idea it's a hard time I know when I was having chemo I had days when I didn't want to see or speak to anyone but my oh it wasn't personal and most people understood . ? To your daughter

Difficult situation I know. When my DH was seriously ill in hospital he only wanted to see me. Difficult for everyone but I had to be the 'Gatekeeper' and I was! Thankfully against the odds he survived, but at times like this the patient is the important one. I think the idea of cards and texts are great, not intrusive but they do bring comfort to both the patient and carer without any stress which is the last thing that's needed at a time like this.

I lost my husband to cancer almost 2 years ago. Please remember it’s not personal. My husband pushed me away at first he wanted to do everything alone. He told me to get out and said it was nothing to do with me. He got very angry when I said I was going through it too. He was my life and I wanted to be there for him but at first he would let me near. He even had me removed for the hospital after I found out where he was and went up.
He was very ill and he felt like he was no longer the person people knew. He was also very angry and became very inward and indifferent to others feelings the illness takes over and changes everything. This was at first and things did change.
Life got better and he allowed me in, I cared for him right up to his last breath, but he was very selective about who he wanted to see. Mostly me, our kids and our grand kids.
I found a lot of his friends didn’t want to know anyway his work ( he fire service) didn’t care and we really found out who are friends were.
He did eventually see people once he had come to terms with things and he did say good bye to most people he cared about but his perception of friends really changed and became more specialized if that makes sense. .
I now it’s hard and heart breaking but the situation is far more complex than you can ever imagine. I lived it for two and a half years. When my husband pushed me away, I wrote to him. I wrote cards notes and text messages. I thought he would die and not let me be there so I actually wrote and said good bye. He came around and I had two and a half years with him. Can your daughter write to her friend ?
I think all she can do is let her friend and the family know she is there for her and say “if there is anything I can do” ( but only if she means it) give it time and remember it’s not personal.
As for what to say, my husband appreciated a bit of normality and something that wasn’t about cancer. This is her best friend she knows what she likes and she should try and see her friend not the illness.
My man wanted people to talk about dying, funerals and death. Must of all he wanted others not to make out he was a saint and keep their sense of humour. But everyone is different.
Recently my best friends husband was dying and as I had gone through it I tried to be there for my friend she contacted me once or twice and told me when he died but largely didn’t involve me. I know it’s not about me it’s about her and him. Every now and then I send a text to say I hope she is ok to remind her she’s not alone but I don’t get offended when she doesn’t answer.

Dealing with death is very overwhelming and emotional you daughter's friend and her family will be trying to cope and come to terms as they go on. No one prepares you for what they are going thought there is no right or wrong way to feel act or behave.

I've worked most of my life in care, and people generally are happier towards the end with the care givers who have become more accustomed to the indignities of what is happening. It is much easier for them and less stress than having to put on any kind of "front" or " brave face" .
Please just go with the wise words of the majority here here and just send a message Via a card or text, so much easier for all concerned.

Do you know for sure that was the friend saying that directly, or was it her family "passing on that message"? Sometimes family can become quite possessive/overprotective with a relative who is very ill, and keep friends away who the sick person would actually have enjoyed seeing.

The mother of a girl in my class was dying from a brain tumour. She was also a parent who used to help out in school so we knew her well.

She refused to see anyone except her husband, but one day asked if I could visit her in the Hospice. I was shocked by her appearance, but hopefully didn't show up. She was hugely bloated from the steroids and bald from the failed chemo. Previously she'd been slim and took pride in her appearance.

She explained that she didn't want people to see her like this but wanted them to remember her as she was. Also, she got tired very quickly.

She only asked me to visit as she wanted to discuss her 10-year old daughter and how we could make it easier for her to cope, in school, when she died. She wanted to make it clear that she thought her daughter should not take unnecessary time off school because she had her friends there and it would provide the stability and routine she would need. She had written this all down and gave me a copy to take away 'just in case'. She was worried her husband would keep the child away from school as a comfort for himself.

I left her feeling as reassured as possible and she died two days later

texts are a great way to send love and hugs without being intrusive

We just went to the funeral of our BILaw who was dying of bone cancer. He also asked only for visits from immediate family members. My OH introduced him to his wife, OH's sister. We were not included in immediate family, but you just have to accept that and stay away. The reason might be that this person wants to be remembered for who she was, not as the shell that she is now. Send a letter if you must or a card, but DO NOT just turn up after being asked not to. Have some respect. Send flowers (or not if requested not to). She wants to be with her family, so be it.

When my mum came home from hospital last year, she (and we) knew that she was coming home to die. It was her choice to be at home surrounded by things and people she knew and loved . Me, my dad, sister and my daughter, took it in turns to sit with her (day and night). My mum loved music and my sister and I acted like DJ's playing her various requests (over and over). We talked about everything and anything and my mum asked us to tell stories about holidays we remembered as children. We each talked about our happiest memories. My mum had no desire to be "visited" by anyone outside the immediate family as she said wanted to spend her last days remembering happy times and not being constantly reminded of the fact that she was dying (who could forget?) with people coming in and out crying and expressing their sorrow. Pretty much what spabbygirl said. Just a couple of days before she died she enjoyed (and I mean enjoyed) a visit form my three grandchildren (her great grandchildren) who behaved just as normal despite my mum lying in a hospital bed complete with oxygen etc. they played around her and took turns at telling her about their day. All topped off with a little squabble (which made her smile). She told them all that she loved them and to have a happy life. I am upset writing this, but it was so beautiful. I guess what i am trying to say Morgana is that your DD should not take her friends refusal to see her as a personal insult. She could maybe drop a card with a very short message (although we were very reluctant to read some of these to my mum due to their upsetting content) but needs to respect that dying is THE most personal thing we will ever do and there is no wrong way or right way. Sending to your DD and her friend. x

My best friend died two years ago she had cancer and had said she only wanted family to visit but I called on her a way she was really pleased to see me and said I knew you'd come and I was so glad I had ignored her request for no visitors it's worth taking the chance even if your turned away you know you tried