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So much stress - how to get it under control

(18 Posts)
Summermary Fri 21-Apr-17 23:22:30

I put on an earlier post about issues with daughter's bullying ex. These have escalated to new heights and put us under horrendous stress.
Went through similar in my thirties with a bad relationship, but just feel now that I am really worried that all this stress could cause me serious health issues (now in sixties). I know lots of you have been through similar issues and would be grateful for advice. Thanks.

Starlady Sat 22-Apr-17 07:03:13

While I haven't been in a similar situation, Summer, I want to offer you my sympathies. Is there any way you could back away from the situation?

Christinefrance Sat 22-Apr-17 07:31:06

It's so hard to see our children in difficulties, remember though it is your daughter's problem and not yours. Our job is to support and help if asked otherwise we need to let them sort things out themselves. Take a step back and take care of yourself, do some things you enjoy and relax. You cannot help if you are stressed as well.

morethan2 Sat 22-Apr-17 08:43:54

I wish there was a magic solution. If there was I take it myself. There is probably nothing you can do about your present anxiety. What you can do is cut yourself some slack in as many everyday areas as you can. What I mean is don't worry about everyday stuff. When my anxieties overwhelmed me my husband knew not to expect a pristine house or a cooked meal. He took over the mundane stuff when I simply wasn't up to it. We'd go for long walks together. None of this made my anxiety go away or even made it better. It just made me able to cope with it better. I didn't see your earlier post but I hope things improve for you and your family.

kittylester Sat 22-Apr-17 09:36:32

I agree with morethan. Although it isn't for me, some people might find cooking could feel a step too far so rely on takeaways and simple meals.

Gardening helps me when I am stressed and I think walking (or stomping!) round the village very therapeutic.

I hope your daughter (and you) is getting professional help and is not trying to cope on her own.

And, of course, ranting on GN is a big help.grin

kittylester Sat 22-Apr-17 11:49:52

I should obviously have proof read that post.

Ignore 'could feel' in the first bit and add 'is' before 'therapeutic'!

paddyann Sat 22-Apr-17 18:01:32

meditation will help ,you can find guided meditation online .

NanaMacGeek Sat 22-Apr-17 18:12:42

I'm sorry you are going through such a stressful time. My last year has been stressful too because of problems with my son who now lives with us. I have found that the best way I can deal with things is to take one day at a time. I can't allow myself to think about what could go wrong tomorrow and try to live in the moment. It's not easy and my health has suffered but at this minute, the sun is shining, my son is OK, and my DH is mowing the lawn. My two young GDs and their parents are fine and keep in touch. That's enough to keep my stress levels down. I hope things work out for your daughter soon.

HildaW Sat 22-Apr-17 19:05:44

The trouble with stress is that it can invade every part of our existence. I think its probably more about channeling the actual benefits of stress for the real battles and then just 'not sweating the small stuff'. We do actually need to be able to rise to certain challenges in life......divorce, death and violent relationships being just a few.
Always viewing stress as a bad thing is a habit we get into, when in fact we do need the motivation to act and the energy to cope with emotional turmoil that results from 'stress' i.e. raised hormones that create the fight or flight response.
Its remembering to give ourselves the time and space to recover that's important. So that once we have coped with something we give ourselves the space before we move onto something else.
I think what I am trying to say is that you need to reserve your energies for what's important and let the rest go......pick the battles.

Crafting Sat 22-Apr-17 21:06:51

summer you never know how things are going to turn out. Sometimes something that seems unmanageable or un fixable turns out to have a happy ending. It's hard to live through the stressful times but try not to imagine what bad things could happen and just hope for the best.

etheltbags1 Sat 22-Apr-17 21:26:39

I worry about my daughter too who is in an abusive relationship. I get terribly stressed but she won't leave him, I just bury my head in a book to try to escape. I take each day st a time

grannypiper Sun 23-Apr-17 07:39:05

Big breaths little steps flowers

Summermary Mon 24-Apr-17 16:11:04

Thank you ladies. I appreciate your comments. Can't step back from situation as daughter lives with me.

Ethelbags1 so sorry to hear about your daughter's relationship. That is so hard for you.

Yes, I think it has to be one day at a time.

Mediation is not on the cards. That was done two years ago. The ex cancelled it because my daughter wanted to re-arrange an appointment to attend her son's sports day. The ex has obviously contacted another mediation service today but there is no way she is going in the same room as him. Also found with the mediation service that they only sit there, they don't participate, which with him, is quite useless. He needs someone who can keep the situation under control.

My daughter has spoken with Parent Support at school who were acting as mediators before but he has pushed things too far for her to be willing to be in room with him. She is going to speak to Parent Support herself tomorrow. Family Support is being arranged and her surgery has contacted the mental health team because of the stress and anxiety.

The ex turned up at the house on Friday and sat outside for an hour and then decided to call the Police because he had not heard from her for two weeks!!! Odd that, when she told him she was turning off all her phone, e mail etc. So we had a chat to the Police when he eventually went.

My daughter was sitting in floods of tears when he was outside, she was so stressed by it all.

eddiecat78 Mon 24-Apr-17 16:53:58

This must be terrible for you. I, like many others, am finding life stressful at the moment - worries about the children, very elderly father etc etc.
I had a spell of depression many years ago and always worry that it may come back if things get too much.
This might seem like a silly suggestion but have you ever done any sewing? I have several little projects on the go and find that just spending an hour or so when I have to really concentrate on something different makes me feel much better.

Summermary Mon 24-Apr-17 23:26:02

Hello eddiecat78, so sorry to hear about your worries with your children and your dad. I haven't done sewing for a while though I do like it. Did jewellery making for a bit. Will give it thought. I do like dog walking but think too much doing that!

eddiecat78 Tue 25-Apr-17 08:20:12

Dog walking is great - especially if you can do it with a friend and you can march along putting the world to rights! But I think the trick is to find something that you really have to concentrate on for a while - your jewellery making would be ideal.
For a long time I had a strong feeling that if I stopped thinking about my children it would somehow stop them being safe - but that really isn`t the case - it justs makes you exhausted and less able to help. It really is OK to switch off now and again.
Wishing you all the best

Starlady Tue 25-Apr-17 10:34:31

So you're right on top of the situation, Summer. So sorry.

Listening to music helps me when I'm stressed. So does a good DVD, especially a comedy. Would either of these work for you?

Writing down my thoughts and feelings helps, too. But, of course, I'm not in your kind of situation, so Idk if the same things would work.

Would it help, do you think, to be more proactive? If ex ever sits outside your house again, could you have him arrested? Also, I don't recall, has dd ever gotten a restraining order against him? Maybe she should now? Then, if he defies it, she can have him arrested instead of just sitting and crying. It might be stressful to do, but once it's done, anxiety levels might go down for both of you. She might have to renew it periodically though - not sure. But worth it, imo.

Starlady Tue 25-Apr-17 10:53:46

But for something that really takes your mind off the situation, eddiecat is right, imo, jewelry making is good.

Also, above, I meant to say "arrested for trespassing" when I suggested calling the police if ex hangs out by your house.

Not too surprised that mediation didn't work out. Iv read that mediation doesn't with abusers because they want to control that, too. If they can't, they often drop out or cancel, just as ex did. The sports day thing was probably just an excuse. If it weren't that, it would have been something else?

I'm glad dd is getting help from Parent and Family Support. Could they help her and kids move someplace where ex couldn't find them? Would dd be willing to do that? This would protect her and kids and give you some space. But maybe you'd rather be together?