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Asking prospective FILs permission

(114 Posts)
Polly99 Fri 28-Apr-17 20:41:20

I would love to know other Gransnetters opinions on the above. My DS and GF have talked informally of getting married and now DS wants to propose. He asked me if I thought it necessary to formally ask permission of GFs father and I said I think in this day and age it is not necessary as modern women make their own decisions. However some of his friends say he definitely should. They have a friendly relationship and I'm sure there would not be a problem, but I am just wondering if it is still expected. Their respective ages are 33 and 29.

eddiecat78 Fri 28-Apr-17 20:48:32

It might be old fashioned but he will get an awful lot of brownie points if he does ask her father! My DH was very impressed that son-in-law asked him - and actually mentioned how pleased he was to be asked when he did his Father-of-the-bride speech at their wedding recently.

ginny Fri 28-Apr-17 20:55:58

Not necessary but a nice thing to do. Our SIL spoke to us together . The hardest part was knowing when the proposal would happen and not letting on to our DD.

Jalima1108 Fri 28-Apr-17 21:03:58

Yes, SIL asked DH although he and DD had already talked about it. DH was pleased that he 'asked'.
DS and DDIL's father went for a chat over a pint at the local pub, a bit of future FIL/SIL bonding.

Even if it's not necessary, it is a nice thing to do and good manners.

Purpledaffodil Fri 28-Apr-17 21:05:07

I think it is one of those old fashioned customs which has been resurrected by the young. I have heard of several such recently, including future SiL who asked us if we would approve of him proposing. We were delighted! As Ginny has said, the hard part was keeping quiet and not spoiling the surprise.

Deedaa Fri 28-Apr-17 21:08:47

We thought it was quite quaint when DH asked my father for my Hand. Actually he was very relieved to get rid of me grin

BBbevan Fri 28-Apr-17 21:14:08

My now SiLver drove from Bath to N London to ask for our daughter's hand. Albeit they were both in their 40s. So a lovely gesture. And SiLver has turned out to be a very special person.

mcem Fri 28-Apr-17 21:14:43

Yes. DS spoke to his prospective FiL as his 2 BiL's did before him. FiL was delighted and all 3 boys started off on the right foot with the in-laws who hosted 3 beautiful weddings.
FiL was so pleased to be included in rugby outings and thoroughly enjoyed the stag do of each groom.
Recently DD1's boyfriend made the token gesture even though he's 45 and she's 41!

BBbevan Fri 28-Apr-17 21:15:00

Son in Law ( not Silver ) 😕

Christinefrance Fri 28-Apr-17 21:26:57

Yes you are right Jalima, its a nice thing to do and makes for good future relationships.

morethan2 Fri 28-Apr-17 21:30:52

I don't think it's necessary, but perhaps it's polite and like others have said will give him brownie points. 12 years ago I was asked the same question by my son. My advice was perhaps he should say " I'm going to ask daughter to marry me and I hope that you approve" worked a treat. Good luck to your son and congratulations to the happy couple.

Sugarpufffairy Sat 29-Apr-17 00:09:51

One SIL did ask me in the absence of DD's Father. He did more as a statement of fact rather than a question.
SPF

rubysong Sat 29-Apr-17 08:53:33

DS1 rang California to ask his DFiL. He said the worst thing was that he wasn't home so he had all the build up a second time to speak to him. He found it nerve wracking even though they knew and liked each other. It was very much appreciated.

Bibbity Sat 29-Apr-17 09:07:12

If his future fiancée were opposed to such a tradition he would know about it.
Some women can find offensive.
However if he thinks she'd be fine with the gesture then I'd go ahead with it.
But frame it as pp said.
The FIL can't say no.

silverlining48 Sat 29-Apr-17 09:09:14

Both sons in law asked my husbands blessing and though old fashioned ( and rather sexist for obvious reasons). it was appreciated by both husband and myself, and despite both girls being brought up as strong independant young women, they were happy too. It can be just as morethan says, just to inform of intention.

Humbertbear Sat 29-Apr-17 09:30:13

My son and his now wife had been living together but her parents really appreciated him going round to 'ask permission'. They have loved him ever since

Lilyflower Sat 29-Apr-17 09:33:10

Our DD's b/f asked us if he could propose and we were thrilled. He had already spoken to his parents who said, 'What are you waiting for!' As you can gather he is a lovely, old fashioned lad. He and my DD treat each other well and look after one another. I am very old fashioned about such things myself. I know he didn't have to ask and they could have run away to sea if they wanted but it is an instance of young people being unselfish and polite. It bodes well for their married life.

The DD knows nothing about this. I wish he'd get on with it as the suspense is killing me.

Liz46 Sat 29-Apr-17 09:33:36

My husband was delighted when his daughter's boyfriend rang to ask permission to marry his daughter. It was all very nice but a bit late as they have a mortgage and two children! We are looking forward to the wedding.

Kim19 Sat 29-Apr-17 09:47:19

I think it would further cement the male relationship if this little bit of old world charm was indulged in. Very nice. My DH didn't ask my DM and she always referred to it even though they got on fine over the years. I kept reminding her that it was only a formality and I would have gone ahead no matter what she had said. Also circumstances were such that it was impossible for my then boyfriend to do the needful verbally but he did seek her written approval at the earliest possible opportunity. That never seemed to be quite enough for Mum. Heyho.

2old4hotpants Sat 29-Apr-17 10:06:24

Both my now S.i.Ls asked my permission (I was already widowed). I thought a great deal of that, I liked each of them before,but they went up considerably in my estimation for doing that, especially the very shy one who clearly found it difficult.

silverlining48 Sat 29-Apr-17 10:17:58

liz46 think thats par for the course these days.

sarahellenwhitney Sat 29-Apr-17 10:23:47

Old fashioned some may think but courteous and I would admire anyone who did this.

Rosina Sat 29-Apr-17 10:24:03

My DS and his OH had been together for a few years and lived together for about eighteen months; he went to ask her father's blessing, armed with a bottle of wine, and the request and the wine went down very well! His new Fil said at the reception that DS was everything they could have wanted in a SiL. Not a dry eye in the house!

MawBroon Sat 29-Apr-17 10:29:53

Of course it doesn't have to be "permission" but it is a nice gesture to have a word.
SIL1 "asked" DH in secret when DH was in hospital with Lymphoma - before he had even proposed to DD but was planning it for their up coming holiday in Australia (we had insisted they go despite DH's illness as he was responding and everything was under control)
He did this just before they left and DH kept it all to himself too until we got the phone call from DD in Australia!

Caroline123 Sat 29-Apr-17 10:38:20

While very old fashioned I agree with the above, it will earn brownie points with the prospective FIL. Our SIL didn't ask and my husband was and still is a bit miffed, many years late Reply!