Asking prospective FILs permission

Dare I admit that I felt some resentment at watching my husband walk my daughter down the aisle and 'give her away' to her husband to be

I don't think either of us had a right to 'give her away' but I would have liked to feel part of the symbolism of joining families. I like your idea Penstemmon.

I appreciate all the honest answers and opinions. It seems it depends to a large degree on the families involved and their different takes on tradition. Definitely food for for thought.
Thanks everyone.

Anecdotal "evidence" starting with "I went to a wedding once..." or "I know or have heard of so many couples ..." etc is opinion or hearsay and we are all entitled to our opinions.
It may not be sufficient evidence to justify a blanket ban on weddings or a statutory waiting period of five years however.

Whatever!!

Marry how you like, but I am entirely free to have my own opinions and express them.

I can express even more radical ones. I am all in favour of marriage but would like to see the end of weddings, or rather delay the celebrations until the couple have been married for 5 years, then have the big celebration.

This would enable the couple to concentrate on the commitment they are making and make it much easier for them to cancel the whole thing, right up to the moment of commitment. I know or have heard of so many couples who went ahead with weddings where they knew the marriage would fail because once the wedding juggernaut had started to run, it became unstoppable the nearer it got to the event. Feelings of shame, disappointment for families, expectation, expense, everything.

Why ever not?

Does that mean you'd prefer families not to choose how they organise their wedding?

not as far as I am concerned.

Sounds perfect pen and illustrates that families can choose how the ceremony goes.
Nit-picking monica ? Chacun à son goût?

At my DD1s wedding (humanist) I walked into the ceremony with my SiL, DD with her dad and we(parents) then gave their hands to each other. SiLs parents (divorced) both did readings, as did DD2. SiLs sis & bro were witnesses to the signing. All actively involved!

mcem why thank you only to their father, what about their mother? Surely they should have walked down the aisle with a parent each side.

I went to a wedding once where, because the brides mother objected to the groom and she wouldn't let the father give his daughter away, the bride and groom walked up the aisle together, hand in hand. I rather liked it.

The objection? The groom was English and the bride came from a small village deep in rural France and her mother would probably have objected if she had wanted to marry someone from the next village

Our daughter was married last month and it was the most beautiful moment to see my husband walk her down the aisle and shake the grooms hand, give daughter a hug and step back to sit next to me. It wasn't 'giving her away' just a light hearted nod to tradition and gave the ceremony structure and a lovely sense of love and family and some beautiful pictures I will treasure forever, better than a crowd scene where the parents get lost in the mix.
Groom told my husband by text he was going to ask daughter and that he hoped he had our blessing, so again a modern twist on tradition as of course he did but a nice touch all the same

A bit quaint and outdated I would say. One son did 12 years ago but the other didn't ask. Some people might say that it was just good manners and of course some people still believe in tradition. If ds has a good relationship with future fil then it shouldn't be a problem.

Haven't read the whole thread so not sure what the consensus is but both our SiL asked for our daughters hands in marriage.

It was charming , old fashioned and made us feel like part of a wonderful occasion.

We didn't for one moment think our daughters were our possession , but they were our responsibility and these 2 nice men wanted us to know they loved, respected and wanted that responsibility. .

Call it sentimental if you like but I thought it lovely .

My Dad walked me down the aisle but I think the idea of 'giving away' was omitted from the Church of Scotland service at least on that occasion. I didn't hide my face behind my veil either - I said I had nothing to hide!

I agree MOnica why not on both sides?
It's not so much about giving away a possession as joining together two extended families.

I can't say I ever regarded my married daughter as a 'possession'. I was just glad to be relieved of a liability.

Some sort of time warp seems to exist on GN on this subject.
Many brides are walked down the aisle by father, mother or both.

Does anyone impose this on any modern free-thinking young woman today?
Not on my girls! No giving away in any meaningful sense of the word.

Each time they saw it as a way of saying 'Thanks, Dad. Love you but I'm now switching my attention!'

Nothing to do with patriarchy!
I think if you read this thread through you'll find many more are happy with the custom than find it patronising.

I suppose it is the same when they get married M0nica - the bride's father still 'gives her away' (and heaves a sigh of relief).

Why does no-one even mention asking the brides mother, or the grooms parents? The prospective DiL will become part of the grooms family.

Should we get equally sentimental about the days when the banks required the father to sign a guarantee when a single woman wanted a loan or a mortgage?

Long live the patriarchy

I think it's a lovely custom, glad it is being revived. After all, the prospective SiL isn't just marrying the girl, he and his family are going to be combined with yours, especially if they have children.
It might help to avoid some of these fallings out in families that we hear about these days.

I agree that not expected nowadays, but quite a nice courtesy.

I still find it hard to grasp why it is 'respectful' to the FoB? It sounds more disrespectful of the bride! Of course the 'happy couple' should let their parents know about their plans..it is an important life event! Nice to also want parents support etc. However if all those concerned are happy with what occurs : no harm done.

Basic good manners and respect to the father of your bride

Should read : "It's a polite, quaint custom... "