Asking prospective FILs permission

Agree.... thanks to Mcem and ..nipsmum..this was exactly what happened.... we all knew it was coming just not when

If it's a harmless resurrection of a sweet old tradition, which I'm prepared to accept that it is (maybe!), then I think it's worth mentioning that the words "ask" and "permission" are a tad misleading. If it's just about telling rather than asking, why not use the word tell and both prospective partners do the telling?

Also, why is no-one mentioning it being done the other way, by the prospective wife to her prospective mother-in-law.

While ever it is or even looks like a one-sided tradition you can't really expect modern-thinking people to accept it as not just a wee bit of a patronising and paternalistic tradition that they'd rather had buggered off into the sunset along with other traditions that seem not to favour equality.

There never were 3 couples more into equality than the 3 I mentioned. No insecurities about their status or value. Nothing smacking of patronising or paternalism at all.
Walked down the aisle by proud dad but not 'given away'and no vow to obey.
And you've reminded me that when they came to tell me, my DiL did add (jokingly!!!) 'that's if it's ok with you'.
I say again Lighten up!

Totally agree mcem.

Asking permission smacks of ownership. Your parents don't own you so shouldn't be asked. It's harking back to the good (or rather bad) old days. What next dowries?

Have you actually read this whole thread hicaz ? It's obvious that is not the case!

Well my DH asked my father after he'd asked me and I'd accepted! It just seemed a courtesy! My father didnt know what to say and called my mum who was thrilled! However, I did NOT promise to obey!
My own daughter walked down the aisle with DH and he also gave her away. I was amazed as she is pretty stridently feminist, but she thought it would please him I think, and whats wrong with that! Its just a tradition and really means nothing these days.

Lovely manners........always a bonus in a new husband.

With you there mcem and ginny , never thought anybody literally "asked for permission" - some people really do need to lighten up.

Polly99

I would say yes to your DS asking his prospective FiL. Its a friendly gesture rather than a formal one these days, but acknowledges two families coming together, which is the same.

My SIL checked beforehand that we were both going to be at home. They had been together for years so I guessed why he was calling in. I did try to act all surprised whilst trying to suppress a giggling fit. It was a lovely traditional gesture though am now wondering "does anyone ever say No!"

My SIL does have impeccable manners ....,

My DH didn't ask my father ....
My DS did ask his future FIL

I think it's very old fashioned and smacks of daughters being their fathers possession until they become their husbands possession which of course isn't true

It's just a courtesy, as in, I'm going to ask your daughter and hope you approve (cos it's going to happen anyway !! )

Chattel !! ..possession !!!... of course not - as previously mentioned, lighten up.

No need to ask "permission", but provided the wife-to-be is happy with it, it's an opportunity to get mega brownie points from prospective FIL by politely taking him to one side and advising him of your plans, with a "hope you're happy with this" approach.It's a polite, quaint custom which can certainly be modified and brought up-to-date.

Should read : "It's a polite, quaint custom... "

Basic good manners and respect to the father of your bride

I still find it hard to grasp why it is 'respectful' to the FoB? It sounds more disrespectful of the bride! Of course the 'happy couple' should let their parents know about their plans..it is an important life event! Nice to also want parents support etc. However if all those concerned are happy with what occurs : no harm done.

I agree that not expected nowadays, but quite a nice courtesy.

I think it's a lovely custom, glad it is being revived. After all, the prospective SiL isn't just marrying the girl, he and his family are going to be combined with yours, especially if they have children.
It might help to avoid some of these fallings out in families that we hear about these days.

Why does no-one even mention asking the brides mother, or the grooms parents? The prospective DiL will become part of the grooms family.

Should we get equally sentimental about the days when the banks required the father to sign a guarantee when a single woman wanted a loan or a mortgage?

Long live the patriarchy

I suppose it is the same when they get married M0nica - the bride's father still 'gives her away' (and heaves a sigh of relief).

Some sort of time warp seems to exist on GN on this subject.
Many brides are walked down the aisle by father, mother or both.

Does anyone impose this on any modern free-thinking young woman today?
Not on my girls! No giving away in any meaningful sense of the word.

Each time they saw it as a way of saying 'Thanks, Dad. Love you but I'm now switching my attention!'

Nothing to do with patriarchy!
I think if you read this thread through you'll find many more are happy with the custom than find it patronising.

I can't say I ever regarded my married daughter as a 'possession'. I was just glad to be relieved of a liability.

I agree MOnica why not on both sides?
It's not so much about giving away a possession as joining together two extended families.

My Dad walked me down the aisle but I think the idea of 'giving away' was omitted from the Church of Scotland service at least on that occasion. I didn't hide my face behind my veil either - I said I had nothing to hide!