Asking prospective FILs permission

Cheers, paddyann and pen too.

I've only read the first three posts so far. I don't think it's a nice thing to do at all. I regard it as patronising towards women. I wonder if those who think it's nice would think a woman asking permission of the mother of her 'intended' for his hand in marriage is also 'nice'? I know that's not traditional but in this case I think the tradition of asking permission of a father to propose to his daughter is paternalistic and really rather silly in this day and age. More than silly; it's rude to the woman.

Just scanned a bit more of the thread and am pleased to see that Monica has said something similar.

I seem to be among the few who totally disagree with this,its out of date...thank god.As is being given away at the wedding.....lovely to have your dad walk you towards your new life down the aisle but not for the celebrant to ask who gives this woman to this man .I dont believe any adult should have to ask pemission for anything ...happy for my husband to include me in his choices but he doesn't have to ask IF he can do something...and nor do I .

My son in Canada rang me one day to say he had bought a ring his gf had admired on someone else....they were together 10 years...asked me how to approach her parents and then how to propose to her....took her away to a fab destination...both sets of parents waiting here at 3 in the morning for the news...he was worried she would say no....phones rang at same time....oh dad I am getting married.....mine oh mam she said yes....her parents were thrilled to be asked ...we were delighted to be in on the secret....lots of champagne and a lovely memory!!

Not necessary but a nice touch. Our future SIL phoned DH to ask before he proposed to DD. He planned the proposal for when they were away for the weekend for him to compete in the finals of a talent contest. He sang Sweet Caroline (her name) and got down on one knee during the song. All that day I kept getting texts from him asking if I was sure she would say yes. He's a real softy, can't wait to hear his wedding vows 6 weeks today.

No matter how you do it is isn't even a'nice gensture'. It is an egregious act of patriarchy that seems to survive because people think it cute



Feel free to insult my SIL (and any other DSs or SILs) why don't you, "egregious" and "patriarchy" are fine words, but at least spell "gesture" right if you must.

It WAS a nice gesture, it WAS appreciated and the marriage with 3 enchanting DGCs continues a happy and equitable one.

My niece's partner went to ask my brother for her hand in marriage although they had been together years and had two little ones. My brother didn't dare say anything to his wife because he knew she couldn't keep a secret. Partner then gave her a Valentines card with Happy Valentine's day to my fiancee and my niece still didn't twig until he produced the ring. Sadly my brother died last year so won't be at the wedding this year. She is going to have my late mother's wedding ring as her wedding ring. I am coming to England with it next month with it so it can be resized if necessary.

Gone are the days when the bridegroom was expected to 'ask for the hand' of the woman. No man owns a woman she is her own person, and so it should be. However, if you say something like 'we would like to get married, and we would like your blessing' that is not quite the same thing. It might be dropped altogether after another generation because women have minds of their own these days. I used to HATE that phrase 'who gives this woman to this man' as if she was someone's property.

my son in law asked me if i'd mind him asking my daughter to marry him. i told him i wouldn't mind and they got married several months later.
unfortunately the marriage didn't last and, apart from two fantastic grandaughters, i rather wish i'd said i did mind!!

Sorry - wrong thread!!

My mother in law was Danish and my own 4 year old granddaughter was highly amused when I told her if I had been Danish (as the mother of her father) I would have been famor (pronounced "fartmore" )

I would have been very surprised if SiL had spoken the DH about marrying DD, though they came round straight away once they had become 'engaged'. They had owned a joint home for several years and had a year old child
I think it is an odd thing to do in today's climate/ society as it harks back to the arranged marriages to secure income/land etc. But id DDs don't mind then no harm done I suppose!

As a single mother, I wasn't asked by SIL but I know my brothers two SIL-to-be's asked him before the proposals.
Definitely not a necessity but it's a nice touch!

I would have felt mortally insulted if DH had felt a need to ask for my fathers approval (aka: consent/permission). The marriage would have been off. Even 50 years ago, I would not countenance being so humiliated.

No matter how you do it is isn't even a'nice gensture'. It is an egregious act of patriarchy that seems to survive because people think it cute.

While very old fashioned I agree with the above, it will earn brownie points with the prospective FIL. Our SIL didn't ask and my husband was and still is a bit miffed, many years late Reply!

Of course it doesn't have to be "permission" but it is a nice gesture to have a word.
SIL1 "asked" DH in secret when DH was in hospital with Lymphoma - before he had even proposed to DD but was planning it for their up coming holiday in Australia (we had insisted they go despite DH's illness as he was responding and everything was under control)
He did this just before they left and DH kept it all to himself too until we got the phone call from DD in Australia!

My DS and his OH had been together for a few years and lived together for about eighteen months; he went to ask her father's blessing, armed with a bottle of wine, and the request and the wine went down very well! His new Fil said at the reception that DS was everything they could have wanted in a SiL. Not a dry eye in the house!

Old fashioned some may think but courteous and I would admire anyone who did this.

liz46 think thats par for the course these days.

Both my now S.i.Ls asked my permission (I was already widowed). I thought a great deal of that, I liked each of them before,but they went up considerably in my estimation for doing that, especially the very shy one who clearly found it difficult.

I think it would further cement the male relationship if this little bit of old world charm was indulged in. Very nice. My DH didn't ask my DM and she always referred to it even though they got on fine over the years. I kept reminding her that it was only a formality and I would have gone ahead no matter what she had said. Also circumstances were such that it was impossible for my then boyfriend to do the needful verbally but he did seek her written approval at the earliest possible opportunity. That never seemed to be quite enough for Mum. Heyho.

My husband was delighted when his daughter's boyfriend rang to ask permission to marry his daughter. It was all very nice but a bit late as they have a mortgage and two children! We are looking forward to the wedding.

Our DD's b/f asked us if he could propose and we were thrilled. He had already spoken to his parents who said, 'What are you waiting for!' As you can gather he is a lovely, old fashioned lad. He and my DD treat each other well and look after one another. I am very old fashioned about such things myself. I know he didn't have to ask and they could have run away to sea if they wanted but it is an instance of young people being unselfish and polite. It bodes well for their married life.

The DD knows nothing about this. I wish he'd get on with it as the suspense is killing me.

My son and his now wife had been living together but her parents really appreciated him going round to 'ask permission'. They have loved him ever since

Both sons in law asked my husbands blessing and though old fashioned ( and rather sexist for obvious reasons). it was appreciated by both husband and myself, and despite both girls being brought up as strong independant young women, they were happy too. It can be just as morethan says, just to inform of intention.