Worried about my granddaughter

Good points Carolebarrel. I do have an autistic grandson, his father and grandfather were probably on the spectrum but remained undiagnosed. My grandson was helped by the diagnosis at 8 but I do sometimes wonder if we are too quick to see a significant issue when in fact, we have a particular kind of personality.

You must be so worried SAR53. I have been in primary education for nearly 30 years and have to say that much of your dgd's behaviour is typical of girls this age. They are either quieter types who are often on the outside, or bossy little show-offs! However, this has obviously been a worry for some time. There is so much excellent advice here, and I would certainly seek help as suggested. If our region is anything to go by, she may well get a diagnosis - everyone does these days I'm afraid. It's not always helpful, just makes the child feel worse in cases where the child is like your dgd. (The over confidant children love it, and it makes their behaviour much worse than before diagnosis.) Your dgd is lucky to have you, and I'm sure she will become a thoughtful, caring young lady.

Aspergers was my first thought as well - worth checking it out - then she'll be able to find "coping mechanisma". everyoue says that my AS DS is a lovely lad and while he's mpt always easy - takes everything we say as a personal attack - but overall he's a lad in a million and we're really proud of him. Keep reassuring your DGD what a lovely person she is and help her find herself.

It sounds,as though the previous posts appear to consider the possibility of Aspergers it can in my experience be masked,in my research females appear to be able to mask .Conversly in today's society labelling is a real issue,maybe looking at Tim Bonds ethical dilemma solving framework might be of use to you my thoughts are with you.

Sounds very much like my dgs. He has Aspergers.

One of my grandchildren was diagnosed as on the add at age eight. He was very bright, under achieving and socially isolated at school. His parents had resisted suggestions to get a referral to child and adolescent services but were relieved because the diagnosis helped their child and his teachers understand why he found some things difficult.
Your granddaughter doesnt need 'therapy' . I'd be warey of seeking help without her father's knowledge. Secrets about this kind of thing between parents are not healthy.
The usual route for referral is via the GP. She has a loving family x

What a wonderful statement Bbevan so pleased your DGD got the help she needed. I entirely agree about labels and differences. I do think we have an education system now which strives to turn out children who are all the same. We should be allowing children to develop their own talents and personalities.
I was wondering about Sar53's DGD as well and if she was one of the brighter children and that was why she was 'bored'.

I first came on Gransnet for exactly the same reason as Sar53 That was two years ago and my DGD1 was having a bad time with some girls in her class. Bullying and isolating her. The school did practically nothing. My DS and DiL took her to their very understanding GP who preferred her to a psychologist. To cut along story short the psychologist was wonderful. He would not label her, just said she was a very intelligent,interesting and unusual child . However he did tell the school they were failing her and things improved no end. She now has counselling to help her with the social aspect and is generally much happier.
She is exactly like Sar53s granddaughter and is on the spectrum somewhere, But as the psychologist said no need to label her, we all have differences which make us human. So just continue to do the best you can for your DGD Sar53
She is unique and precious

Sorry Sar53 but you can make children play with each other or at least promote a culture within a school where children who don't mix easily are supported and helped. I suggest you ask about setting up a 'buddy system' for playtimes. Many schools have these if you google 'buddy systems' lots of examples will come up. Some LEAs also have programmes that can help. One class I taught had a number of girls who had real problems mixing with each other. They were constantly forming alliances and picking on the ones who were left out. We had someone come in who worked with the girls setting up special situations and teaching them about social interaction. It did help.
The other thing is that in my experience 'playdates' are often not instigated by children but by the parents. I suggest you ask your GD who she really likes and her mum approaches that child's mum.
I always assume that most children spend time in a world of their own. My GD on a recent holiday was playing with her princess dolls, making them talk and play with each other. When she realised I was watching I was told quite firmly not to look and to read my book.

Your granddaughter is only eight years old and is likely now noticing that she may be 'different'. That alone is a trigger for the kind of grief and insecurity that leads to childhood depression, behavioral issues, and ultimate isolation.

Having said that, being socially awkward or being measured on a spectrum is not the same as having a 'mental illness'. A competent child psychologist or even a Special Education counselor can help her improve her social skills and teach her coping strategies to deal with bullying and/or navigating schoolyard politics.

With a good coach, a supportive, loving family and able teachers, even the most challenging children can grow up to be highly functioning, successful adults. If she has to earn a label to get the help she needs, it's a small price to pay for saving her life.

Some children don't like to be among a big crowd of children in school, they would probably want just one or two friends they are quite happy with that. My d had just a few friends and my gd is the same, she is 16 now but she said she doesn't like to be amongst a crowd of girls just one or two friends.

Does this little girl suffer with night terrors?

She sounds so much like my DD when she was a child, she went to ballet, tap, music festivals could play almost any instrument she picked up, brownies, guides, swimming, but she was still unhappy and couldn't make friends. I used to work with educational psychologists before becoming a mum and I tried so hard to get her referred but had no luck because they usually dealt with children who were school refusers or worse. I was convinced they would most likely to be able to help. I think referrals are easier now and I would suggest your dd give the idea some serious thought.

Sar53...I'm glad you mentioned asperges in your second post....as I was thinking when I read your first post that she may be somewhere on the autistic spectrum. If caught at the right time she can lead a normal life. Somehow her parents need to get her assessed by a professional. We all know that asperges/autistic people are generally highly intelligent, but socially inept. She needs some guidance and nurturing. None of this is anybody's "fault". The first place I would start is with the school as another poster has suggested, and get their view. I really hope you can get to the bottom of it for your grandaughter's sake....poor little mite.

I worked as a teacher of people with autism and immediately thought of aspergers . I know how hard it is for dads to accept there may be a problem and to ask for help, as one of my daughters has Tourette's and he found it very hard to cope. Anyway, there is now loads that can be done, people can learn loads to enable easier interaction, usually are very bright kids. It's a question of accessing this. Maybe u and ur daughter could get talking therapy initially and u can learn how to best go ahead. Good luck.

I agree with other posters, it's definitely worth ruling out Aspergers; she certainly has many if the characteristics of the condition.

Hi Sara 53.I am a fellow Nan but older than you( 68 ). There is a little girl in my granddaughter's class she is nine ,quite odd ,interacted more with an adult but not so much with children.She is very bright.She has just been diagnosed with aspergers so she is now getting help and it seems to be making a lot of difference.I know how worrying the grandchildren can be there have been a lot of worry with ours,but that is another story. Good luck to you and your family

Maybe she doesn't like school or the other children there. Not everyone likes being in one place all day every day.

My son used to hang on the schoo fence just looking out all day, the teachers asked me, and I asked him, he said he was looking for me to come back and was bored with kids all day.

By the time he was 18, he was life and soul of every party and DJ and still enjoy his life with loads of mates, he just didn't like the whole school thing.

She sounds fine to me, bit of sibling rivalry is normal, she goes to dancing etc all good stuff.

Not everyone likes school or the in school cultures........I think there was a post about play ground culture and how adults get affected by it.......kids learn quickly to steer clear if it doesn't suit them.

The DSM has a label / diagnosis for practically everything seek help only if desperate because you may not get help just a label.

If you want her to feel loved for herself and who she is, just do that, she will feel secure and loved without other peope poking their nose in.

Anya you put it more succinctly.

Monica x-posts!

PS don't worry about 'labelling' we are all labelled in some way. Think of it as a possibke diagnosis.

I disagree Bluebelle I think if there are any problems they should be discovered, Would you tell someone with a physical problem not to get a diagnosis in case they were 'labelled'?

Getting a problem diagnosed only ends up with labelling if people choose to pin labels on people, announce them and then, usually, use them as excuses for unacceptable behaviour. DS was diagnosed as dyspraxic and gifted. We did not label him nor did we did announce it to all and sundry or parade it.

When necessary we discussed his assessment with the school, and then only once, and that was as far as it ever went, but the diagnosis enabled us to get therapy for his dyspraxia and we joined a group that provided the company of other children of a similar intellectual level and interests. He had a happy and successful mainstream education with no labels on him at all but both his diagnosis and assessment contributed to that.

You could be describing GS1 exactly. He's 10 now and just been diagnosed ASD.

Whatever the case your GD just needs to know that everyone in her family loves her and accepts her as she is. Because we began to suspect at an early age that GS1 might be on the spectrum, his parents (both teachers) and I (also a retired teacher) have read up and put agreed strategies in place, which I think has helped him greatly.

Please don't try to 'cure her' she is what she is, we know so many titles and labels nowadays and are quick to put everyone in a box we are all on some spectrum to be honest. With love and care ( and she sounds as if she got plenty of that) and lots of common sense she will be fine Once she has a label it will be with her for life and is it always useful? I wonder what labels we would have all had if we had been tested.... I was very very shy and very lacking in confidence as a kid I m sure I would have been something or other
Encourage her in all she WANTS to do a lot of what you describe in your original posts sounds perfectly normal Some a bit extreme but she's finding her own personality and niche let her go at her speed if she is on the aspergers spectrum the most useful thing is learn techniques of dealing with it so you are all on the same hymn sheet

I am with nanarose, I think it is worth seeking some advice now. One of two things will happen. Competent professionals will lay your fears to rest and say that your DGD is developing normally but a bit towards the edge or any possible problems will be picked up and intervention can take place before the problem becomes serious.

Several people have suggested autism, but I will suggest another and that is that your DGD is academically gifted but underachieving and mildly depressed. I write this because I had a child like that. He was a friendly child and well liked, but had few friends and didn't want to mix with other children out of school. He read a lot and wanted to watch television all the time, likewise we only allowed restrictive viewing, and complained about boredom. His school work was satisfactory but he was not a high achiever and caused no trouble and because he was dyspraxic (not well co-ordinated) the quality of any written work was poor.

Fortunately, we were pointed in the right direction around school age and he was assessed. However knowing the problem does not always provide a solution but we were put in contact with groups for similar children and he made friends there. We chose his secondary school with care and as he went through adolescence he gradually came out of his shell. In his late 40s, he is now a well-respected and successful academic with a happy family life

The American show "Big Bang" with actor Sheldon, imo, is similar to my GS to ASD traits.