Gransnet forums

Ask a gran


(15 Posts)
Chrispy Mon 29-May-17 09:29:32

Two of my grandchildren live abroad, the other has spent most of his 10 years living within 15 minutes away also spending two years living with us and our daughter. Now they have moved 200 miles away with her partners new job. They keep asking us to move near them. Her partners family have just moved into the same village. I feel very cut off at the moment, seeing them every few weeks and hearing how they do things with her in laws makes it worse. Half of me wants to move but half doesn't. It is a very tiny village, one shop and that's all. What does everyone think??

cornergran Mon 29-May-17 09:54:34

I can understand the impulse, it must be hard hearing about activities you can't join in with and of course you miss them. Lovely that they want you with them. I wonder about the future though. Are they and you sure they will stay in their current location? Is it an area you would like to live in? Do you know it other than from a short visit? A lot to think about. Maybe hasten slowly and if you would like to be closer consider a town in the vicinity with all the facilities you might need. I know this type of dilemma has been discussed here before. Someone may come along who has been in your situation and so be able to offer more helpful suggestions.

hummingbird Mon 29-May-17 09:55:01

That's a tough one, Chrispy. I suppose it depends on what your feelings are about where you live now. If you're well-rooted in your community, with good friends and an active social life, it might be difficult to give all that up. Your grandchildren will be busy with their jobs and their own social lives, and you could find yourself feeling lonely. Good luck whatever you decide!

Chrispy Mon 29-May-17 10:08:46

We've lived her for 40 years and I have lived in the area all my life. All my friends are here. They will be staying there for a good few years, are in the process of buying a house. I have many friends down here and worry about how long it would take to make such good new ones. Makes it hard that my husband doesn't mind one way or the other and I don't want to feel guilty about holding him back. My daughter is expecting a baby in 8 weeks so am hoping to find a hotel nearby we can stay in. I can't drive as I have a cataract so can't go on my own and hubby still working - even though he is past retirement age!! Thanks for the advice ....

NanaandGrampy Mon 29-May-17 10:26:25

What about taking a short term rental ( perhaps financed by renting out your current home) to see if you like the new area and can find new friends?

Starlady Mon 29-May-17 13:17:43

Tough problem, Chrispy, but I think you've been given some good advice!

" A good few years" may not be as long as it seems. What happens when they relocate again? Do you anticipate following them wherever they move for the rest of your life?

It's lovely that they want you to live closer. And the idea must be very tempting. But please remember that soon gs will be a teenager and you might not see him as much as you would like, anyhow.

Another idea would be to take long vacations near them for a while. If you can't do that due to dh's work, then maybe frequent short ones. That way, you can still spend a lot of time with them and, meanwhile, get an idea of how living there would be for you.

Norah Mon 29-May-17 13:27:34

Could you go and stay in the village to see how you like the area?

M0nica Mon 29-May-17 13:30:13

Personally, I would stay put. Your whole life is embedded where you are now. friends, social networks etc. You do not say whether you currently live in a town or city, but as you see the village and one shop as unfamiliar territory. You also do not say whether the village is near any larger towns, whether it is really deep country or green belt country.

Have you investigated what you would do with your time, especially after your DGS has grown up, less than 10 years from now, and has flown away to university or work. can you do in their new location what you do in your current location

My grandchildren live 200 miles away, and always have. With modern means of communication, telephone, email, Facebook, Skype, keeping contact and up to date with your DD and DGS is easier than ever. Remember, your DD has moved once, she could move again. A job is not for life.

Christinefrance Mon 29-May-17 13:38:51

Yes I agree with others think very carefully before taking such a big step. Give yourself some time to see how things pan out , a good idea to stay in their village for a while to see what its like. Hummingbird was right in saying your family have their own lives , your own circle of friends and leisure interests are very important.

Starlady Mon 29-May-17 13:54:07

Btw, congratulations on the coming baby!

rosesarered Mon 29-May-17 14:12:59

We did this, and it was the best solution for us all.It may not be though, for everybody.
If you have lived where you are for such a long time, you could view this chance to do something different and perhaps find the right house for you, now that you are older.You can make new friends wherever you live, and join new clubs etc.
It doesn't have to be the same village, if you think it is too small, find a nearby larger village or small town?
Make a list of pros and cons.🍀

Luckygirl Mon 29-May-17 14:15:04

I can see that one of the things that has brought this all to the fore is the fact that the "other" grandparents have moved to be near them.

It is a bit of a dilemma, I can see. Good luck with all your deliberations.

Deedaa Mon 29-May-17 16:15:37

I would start of by finding somewhere to stay while your daughter has the baby. Get a feel for the place and see what you think. Would your husband look for a job there if you moved? Are there organisations like the WI you could join? If you do move you don't want to be dependent on family for everything. How do you get on with the partner's family? Above all don't do anything in a hurry. Take time and think it through.

M0nica Mon 29-May-17 16:21:30

Different grandparents have different roles. DDiL's mother lives in the same town, as I said, we live 200 miles away. Both families have melded into one, we stay with DDiL's mother when we visit. DDiL's mother is to hand for odd bits of babysitting and providing roast dinners, we are good at DIY and at various times have fitted out bedrooms and transformed kitchens. Staying with us provides the family with a break away from home every school holiday and DGC are just beginning to stretch their wings by coming to stay with us without parents.

Not living close doesn't dilute being a grandparent, just makes it different.

Chrispy Wed 31-May-17 16:40:18

Thanks for all your advice. My husband retires in September so we will go and stay up there for a while after our holidays. I Live in a town now and their village is lovely but there are no clubs or community buildings to meet people. Her partners parents have found it hard to make friends rather than nodding aquainceswith the neighbours and depend on taking my grandson to school so they have something to do. They are not related grandparents as her partner is not my grandsons dad. I think we will stay here for a while and rely on visits whenever I can for the moment, I don't want to rush into anything.