How do you feel about being a step-grandparent?

I have one granddaughter and do look after her when I can if needed but it is at weekends as I also work full time (and have two teenage children). I know how you feel - I am SO tired during the week. Please don't give in when you know you wouldn't be able to cope. It will only make you feel resentful and could lead to ill will which may cause problems on later on. I do think you need to talk to your DH about taking on more than he can cope with. Children of that age are so full on - it's hard enough when you are a young parent but when you're older it is much worse!!

Spot on Faye

Byetheway, I'm with you. No way I am going to look after grandchildren that are not connected to me. Like you I was a single parent and had to deal with life myself. I say this because my DH's children have never recognised me in any form or manner and god forbid if my DH passes away before me, I will probably never see them again. His grandchildren only stay in contact with DH for whats in it for them. He is very aware of it. They rarely visit and when they do it is always because they want something!!The good news is that they all live 250 miles away from us. Great!

bytheway two things to consider:

You are employed so you are not available to take time off for childcare during working hours.

Your DH offered and he is not working, he probably gets as tired as most grandmothers do looking after very young grandchildren. No one would expect him to take time off from paid employment to help you look after grandchildren.

My son has five children, two are not his but all have been treated the same and called our gc. Saying that we both worked full time when they were young and I made it it known that I would not babysit under any circumstances, neither of us had the energy. We did however have them over for a weekend in twos only, never five together. I do not think it is unreasonable to be working full time and not want to help with childcare. When I was a single parent I worked with the help of friends, we look after each other children to help out and I am sure something like that could be done in this case. Don't feel guilty.

bytheway.....in many ways this is a dilemma for some Grandparent, whether its full blood, half blood or just through marriage. Being a Grandparent is a strange 'job' with some its a full 'hands-on' relationship involving day-care and baby sitting on tap. With others its more of a supporting role, offering love and moral support from a distance.

We have had and still have step-grandparents in our family and in many ways they have been a lot more use and a lot more loving than those created by biology. So there are no hard and fast rules. I am a full blown Grandma to two but see them only on a monthly basis due to geography and work and school commitments. this does not mean I do not love them....its just unfortunate.

You can be a Grandparent on any level - its all about the relationship and offering love and support in whatever way you can. There should never be feelings of guilt and resentment. Try to communicate how you feel- you love your partner and want to be part of the family but you have concerns about how far you can spread yourself. Being a Grandparent is not really about providing free day-care....that's just what some people seem to expect.....it should be much more about a mutually agreed supportive family structure. I must admit I do get quite hot under the collar when I hear of children who just expect Grandparents to step up and provide.....they chose to have the children....not the Grandparents.
Of course some Grandparents do perpetuate the myth that once you get to a certain age or stage in your life that you are just gagging to be a Grandma and that you are owed that right....and that's just as misleading.
Talk to your other half, perhaps go out to dinner, on neutral ground it will be easier. Tell him you accept that he is a doting Grandad - but you can only be the person you are and that although you care a lot you have only so much to give.

You wouldn't know it from reading most of the posts here, but there are many grandparents who really don't enjoy looking after even blood DGC on a regular basis, who feel trapped and resentful. Your feelings might or might not have anything to do with the fact that yours are steps. If you don't want to do it you shouldn't be guilt-tripped into it.

My daughter has a foster child, aged 15, and I have to admit that I don't feel the same about her as about my son's two children. I think that it mainly because we didn't know her as she was growing up. We do treat her the same as our grandchildren when we see her, but you can't expect to build up the same relationship as you would have with a grandchild whom you have known since birth.

I am sorry for your daughter being widowed young with 2 young children but I also sympathise with your position. Your DH offered to do the childcare, you still work full time. Your DH is IMHO is being unfair expecting you to start using holiday entitlement to help him out, surely it's better to be able to plan week/fortnight holiday perhaps having DGC for a few days then.

I would certainly not have given up my job. I would of course have helped out with childcare expenses. I also agree your weekends are precious even if they are spent shopping/washing/cleaning etc. Have a chat with your DH, don't think it has anything to do with the fact you wouldn't have chosen childcare as a career I think it's more to do with your DH expecting to help him out when he offered & is now finding it difficult.

Bytheway,

How sad for your SD that she lost her husband so early on and with two little ones to raise. Even sadder if you cannot find a way to help her. If you offer childcare when you don't want to your resentment will show. Maybe something else to help?

Don't do anything you don't want to do because you will regret it. Whether you get on with the step family or not, your husband decided to take on this commitment knowing your feelings and that you still work and it's up to him to sort out any problems. Maybe he should cut down to one day only if he finds it too much. Does he take them to any group activities to help lessen the load during the day?

I have two daughters but only one with children so far and she hinted that she'd like me to have them a lot. I said I would only consider two days a week max as I would have to offer the same to the other daughter, should the need arise, and I'd want at least 3 days to myself in retirement!

We have a step grandson from my daughter's second marriage. He is a teenager now but we absolutely love him just like the rest of the grandchildren.He is included and treated just the same as them all. If you treat them them all equally (if he needs telling off then he gets told ) just as well as the others do if necessary then it works well. We don"t even think of him as a step grandchild , he"s just one of us.

surely her husbands grandchildren should be counted as her family too,isn't that what "blended" families are ?One day a week and the odd day at weekends is hardly taking advantage especially given the circumstances ,the poor girl has been widowed with two young,very young children .I cant imagine why anyone would baulk at OFFERING as much help as possible.As for all you who were single parents and "just got on with it" woulldn't you want things to be better for the next generation than you had it? We struggled financially for the first few years of our marriage(we started a business when we were just 21) and theres no way I would sit back and watch my kids struggle like that when I could ease it for them .Still I suppoese we are all different and its a very self centred world nowadays !

Your OH can volunteer for himself but not for you. Do not give up your job to do what he offered to do as you will resent this so much that it might well split the two of you up.

If he is finding it too much the person he need to talk to is his child who should make other arrangements.

You've said that childcare would be at the bottom of your job wish list. It would be madness to be emotionally blackmailed into doing it for someone else's children.

I have 7 GC - and another on the way! - one of whom is a step GD. I've known her since she was 5 when she was a bit unsure of herself and my son. She has a lot of contact with her dad and we all get on well. She calls my son by his first name and now accepts his authority - it took a little while; a bit of understandable rebellion - and she's certainly one of my GC. I admit it took a little while to learn about each other but she's turned out to be a very nice teen and it's great to have her around. She's lovely with her younger step sisters and brother but the 'step' never comes into it now. We're very lucky.

I am a step grandparent from my grandson having an older half-sister from his mum's previous relationship. The little girl was 8 when I first met her, so I don't think she really thinks of me as grandma (she is close to her other grandma who she sees more often) but I treat her the same as her brother and we get on fine. I am happy to have her

If your DH offered to look after them, that's his affair. I had the same issue with grandchildren. DH, retired especially to look after our grandchildren. I didn't and certainly wouldn't have taken time off work to do it.
I was and still am happy to have them for sleepovers at the weekend and now for odd days during the school holidays, especially now I am not working full time but we lived between 150 and 300 miles from my family or in-laws so we just had to get on with it.

Looking after small children for odd days is exhausting. It is marginally easier in their home, but then there's travelling.
I was a single parent with no help, and am determined to be the grandparent I wish my kids had had.
Other gran's husband treats my grandchild the same as the rest of us; and they both treat all their grandchildren the same regardless.

We have 12 DGC from my children. My DH is Grandpa to them all. He certainly doesn't feel or is made to feel any different being a Step grandparent . He's just an adored Grandpa

I used to look after my step DGC at weekends when working full time. I have always looked after various children in the family and still look after my DGDs. I like looking after children but some people don't. We're all different. However, if I should have more DGC, I might have to stop doing it as I'm getting older.

Thanks for your replies, it is good to hear others views and to know that i am not the only one. Infact, if i'm honest, i feel pretty much like Ceesnan above, about some (not all) of my step-children.

Reminds of when (many years ago) my sister was making her will and had to name a guardian for her children who were toddlers at the time in the event of her and her husbands death. We both joked that it definately wouldn't be me!

I think i will bite the bullet and have an honest chat with him this weekend, then leave the ball in his court.

I have always called the children my step-children or refer to them as my husbands kids and the same with grandchildren. Although, I certainly have friends who refer to both their own and steps as their own, that has never felt normal to me.

I don't think it's got anything to do with whether you like or don't like children, I would feel the same as you if I was working full time.

In fact I did ! My weekends were precious and regularly losing one day a week for childcare wasn't my idea of fun. Like you I didn't mind an hour here and there but an exhausted Nana wasn't any fun at all.

Now we're retired we don't have them any less but we feel quite differently about it because we're not exhausted before we start ( we are afterwards but we can cope with that).

In your shoes I might feel aggrieved to waste precious holiday days in being a childminder. You need to have a frank discussion with your DH now before it affects your relationship.

We have 8 soon to be 9 grandchildren and 2 soon to be be 3 Great grands my husband is step grandad to them all . Thay all love him to bits and hes been happy to sit/mind them for the last 25 years we've just all been away on holiday with all the grown up grants and we all had a lovely time.
You must do what's right for though.

I adore my step grandson! We look after him one day a week, and though it's a long day and we are shattered at the end of it, we love it. However, if I was still at work I couldn't do it. Difficult decision for you. How do you feel about them?

We have eight grandchildren between us. Four of them live in this country.
Of the four that live in this country, three live within an hours travelling distance.
The three that live closest are my daughters' children.
We looked after the oldest two for one day a week. They are now both at school. My husband treats them as if they are his own grandchildren. They love him and he loves them.
When my other daughter had her little girl, I did not feel as if I could manage to do it again, it was nine years later and we were nine years older. That does not mean that I love her any less than the others, we see her with my daughter, but we don't do regular childcare. And yes, I feel a bit guilty about it.
I suppose what I am saying is that you would probably feel the same if they were your own biological grandchildren, nothing to do with them being 'steps'.
We know what we can manage, maybe we just have to live with a bit of guilt!