My Grans unannounced daily visits

Don't get angry, get firm, strong, determined & absolutely certain that she is not coming in uninvited or without prior agreement.good luck you can do it. Ps, someone once said to me , no one else's time , opinion,happiness etc is more important than another's i.e. you are entitled to have your wishes respected, your grans wishes do not take precedence over yours.

Thank you Ellie Anne, I will do x

I hope you are successful. Please let us know the outcome.

GrannieAnnie I am planning to wait on her next visit and I'll say then that I am implementing new rules in the house as I want new routines in place for no 4 coming along.. I'll ask for a text or call to check if I'm available.. She will get angry but hopefully I will get angry back and fight my corner.. My main concern was if I was being unreasonable, after all the advice it seems I'm not being so I feel must more confident in what I'm asking x

Could you ask a close friend to intervene for you if you don't have a family member who could help? Or could you write to her, being firm but kind ie You would like to see her but it would be better if she made an arrangement to visit rather than just turning up?
Has she got any friends you could ask to help? I had to do this once with my Mother in Law who did exactly the same when I had my first baby. She turned up every day on her way home from work .... that awful hour when everyone is ready for tea, the baby is whinging, it's bath time etc etc. I took to sitting in the dark, underneath the window in the bedroom, willing the baby not to cry! I asked a friend of hers to speak to her and, although it caused a bit of friction at the time, things sorted themselves out eventually. She's 88 now and I'm 63 - we get on well!

NfkDumpling that made me laugh because I have visions on me and the kids all laying on the bathroom floor.. So many people have let me know that I'm not being unreasonable so I feel strong enough to just come out and say I'd prefer a call or text to check if I'm available for visitors.. She manipulates me into feeling bad so I just wasn't sure of myself.. Enough of you lovely people have set me on the right path.. I have only just started setting boundaries and this one will be major but will show me it can be done and believe me this will be the hardest one to do Thank you x

Do you have a Sky phone? If so Sky Talk Shield really works. You can bar her phone number really easily, then you won't feel guilty about not answering her calls!

Thistle rose....have you got a mirror?

If you really want to get your own life back & find you can't have a conversation with her asking her not to call unannounced or un invited, then Lock your door, don't answer it or your phone, don't tell her where or what you are doing .

Re your back gate. Can you fix a bolt low down on the gate? Out of reach for anyone reaching over? You could tell her it's to stop burglars / make the garden safer from outside danger for your son. Then do the going out / blind shutting advised by others. A few wasted journeys and she may be more amenable to arranged visits.

You're not alone. There are many grans like yours, although generally older. A friend of mine once phoned me sitting on her bathroom floor as it was the only window in her bungalow that her mum couldn't see in!

The Mumsnet lot are quite feisty and will give you the support you need - even if it means going No Contact for a while. That's horrible, but may be necessary to get through to her. It sounds like you're too nice!

This is a bit drastic but you can instruct the medical and nursing staff not to allow certain people in at the birth. I assume you will have surgery because of your condition. It is your right to say who will be present at the birth. You can explain in confidence why you do not want her there if necessary. It would probably be a bit mean to exclude her from visiting on the ward if you are kept in after the birth but at least it is a limited time. You can say to the staff you are too tired for anyone other than your husband.
After the birth and when you are at home, her help could prove useful as another poster suggested by keeping your 18 month occupied while you get a daily rest. Given you are pregnant, I don't think I would engage in too fierce an argument to get her to stay away. Leave it until after the birth and you are fully recovered. You will have the energy for it then.
Can you enrol the 18 month in a play/nursery group and get her to take him? Until you feel strong enough for the fight, give her tasks to do while there. If she is fit to be left with the toddler take that opportunity to do your shopping. "I'll be back by ..o'clock. Thanks for staying with him. By the way, all the ingredients for tonight's meal are in the kitchen. Could you whip it up for me?" It is amazing how people sometimes find they can't come all the time when given work to do.
It strikes me she is lonely/bored/thinks she hasn't a lot of time left. If you genuinely feel you will regret your feelings when she has gone then change your mindset towards the visits, (not easy to do) and involve her with things to do. If your husband is around when she is going suggest he runs her home. It is amazing how inconveniencing others can make a difference to the problem.
Once your children are all at school and older you are much more free to do what you please and the problem will sort itself.

Radicalnan you on the other hand should understand my Gran because you seem just like her.. Yes I have a young son, I however said nowhere that I had an insecure side gar but it suits you to go off on a tangent of unsolicited advice.. I have a back gate, in case you aren't aware there is a massive height difference between an 18 month old and a grown women, unfortunately Granny can reach the lock.. As for MN I don't think it's somewhere 'better' for me as I was looking for a perspective from my Grans age group or I could just speak to my own friends.. I also don't feel like I need any 'sagas' on my loft conversion as I've hired professionals to deal with it but thank you for your concern.. Also your assumption of a c-section is incorrect but thank you again for assuming that you MUST know everything.. I've also had a previous c-section so know what to expect.. The other dear ladies don't seem to have an issue with my post so I kindly ask that you just ignore me from now on.. You are right when you say I'm feisty but it's a different scenario when emotions are involved!!

Thank you all so much for your help, it's filled me with strength to hear that so many have had an issue with asserting themselves, you have helped me realise that I am not being unreasonable.. There are definitely some lucky grandchildren out there xx

Physically remove your phone from her hand and snatch away anything of yours that she is reading. Contrive to catch her doing it. And tell her 'not to do that', it's private. And walk away. Don't justify or engage.

Physically removing yourself is also an idea but a)not that practical or convenient and b) why should you be driven out of your own house.

Not letting her in is the challenge but do it letting her know when she CAN visit. She will test it and you absolutely must stick to the day/s you've given her. Otherwise you'll be back to square one. Good luck and stay strong

I agree with what advice has been given thistlerose. I would imagine you came onto this site simply as it is for grans and you hoped for help from a gran's point of view.
Don't give up on it. My cousin's daughter, 32, comes on as she says she finds many comments useful as coming from a different angle from her peers.

thistletose first of all don't take offence sometimes the written word can be interpreted differently to how it was meant and I m sure people of any age can ask for help so hang around
As someone who didn't used to be very assertive this is my advice for what it's worth However you normally contact your nan phone, mobile, text Just contact her in your normal way and say you won't be in much this coming week and you don't want her to have a wasted journey but you d love to see her on (whatever day you choose) for a cup of tea and a chat Then you lock all the doors including the patio and either go out go to a friend's or retreat to the bedroom until you hear her go away YOU HAVE TO BREAK THE CYCLE and then stick to it Once a week or whatever you feel able to enjoy and stay completely strong You are not being rude you are not wiping her out your life but you must make the move in what ever way is comfortable for you and stick to it completely
I used to find writing to the person much easier than face to face so that would be my chosen way

Is there a way to stop her coming round the back? A locked gate maybe? I understand how you feel as my granny came to LIVE with us when I was eleven. She treated my mum like a child, having her run here and there doing chores. She would run her finger over the furniture and say "has this place been dusted?" She blamed me for getting teenage acne, saying it was because I was always cuddling the cat near my face. I could go on .....

I have just posted on Gransnet but didn't have room to say that i too had a whole set of in-laws like her so some of those tactics I used. I wasn't very assertive and always resented them & never got on a good footing with them. DH no good of course.
What about asking her how she'd like to be remembered?!

Show her this thread

She is being totally and utterly unreasonable.Lock your doors, get a blind for patio windows and close them.Go upstairs and hide or open a window & shout down to her from up there. tell her you need quiet & peace as your blood pressure is up; Doc's orders.Say you're resting,or going out & in a hurry & shut the window.Ignore phone calls. Do the 1471 to check the number. Hide your mail, post, mobile. I know you shouldn't have to.
How often can you let your DH take the brunt? I think he'd soon come round to your way of thinking.Tell her to read the loneliness section on Grans net or print it off and give her it.Would she recognise herself if you left these messages up on your screen when she's round?Can you get a new mobile number?
If she's uninvited is she legally trespassing?! (not very nice of me).There are books on assertiveness.I hope you keep well.

And, to continue, keep reassuring yourself you are doing this for you and ur baby s health.

This is dreadful. No one wants the same visitor every day even if you like them and it should have been nipped in the bud at the beginning. Why did you choose to live so close to her in the first place? Instead of converting your loft you should consider moving!

You need to start taking back control- put a lock on the gate so there's no access round the back and don't answer the front door. If there's no gate then lock the patio doors and if she knocks then just say ( through the window) you are busy today and you will see her another time and leave that room so she can't see you. If she phones say the same.

It's very rude of her to openly favour one grandchild over another. You need to tell her you are finding her daily visits too much and you will invite her round when you have time to entertain her. Does she actually help out with the toddler when she is there? If you are feeding her or giving her drinks then stop doing that and don't engage in conversation about your personal affairs.

Thistlerose Mums Net is probably better for you as they have gran troubles, whereas few of us grans, have grans now.

I re read your thread and remain puzzled. Do you have a small son and no secure side gate? I would get that sorted asap, you don't want him out and about, especially when you have new baby and will be tired.

Mums netters are dealing with all the things you describe.....many a saga on there about loft extentions too and new babies and cesarean sections (I assume that is your autumn op, I had one emergency one, my daughter has had 3 planned ones) MN has all sorts of advice and support for people coping with those things.

Like GN it is company too and welcome in the wee small hours of the morning when you can't sleep with a new baby but need a quite contact to chat to.

Know exactly how u feel! In every respect, been there! I can't handle confrontation so I couldn't have it out with a member of family on husband s side. I eventually hid in bedroom when I saw her coming! Not an adult way of handling it. I think I'd go down the route of dr says I've to be very quiet and not have visitors, even family. But I know she d ignore this, so I'd need to send a note keeping a copy, saying ." I've been advised by dr to have a very quiet time with lots of rest so I'm writing to everyone telling them not to pop round, but arranging one day a week for each visitor. Your day is ....... from 10-12 or what suits u. I know u want to give my new baby the best chance and will respect this. I'll see you on ..... for your visit. " but keep a copy as she ll tell her version to everyone. Once the baby is born, you can reassess. Maybe go for an hours rest while she babysits, taking your phone and any mail to the bedroom with you. Good luck! You do need to nip it in bud now to avoid future stress, it's not nice but needs to be done. Good luck.