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My Grans unannounced daily visits

(135 Posts)
Thistlerose1 Fri 21-Jul-17 10:21:51

Hi.. I'm having an issue with my Gran.. She visits me unannounced nearly every day and I can't think of anything else but the anxiety I feel about her next visit.. We have completely different personalities and I find her nasty, rude and a trouble maker.. I love her but i do not like her.. She looks at my phone, she reads my mail over my shoulder, she will glance at my calendar and discuss me with anyone and everyone.. She has a constant need to know every single detail about my life that has no bearing on her.. She tells me she comes to visit my son and not me!!! I also have two other children so this makes me extremely mad.. I feel an overwhelming anxiety when she comes and it's got to the point that I can't bare her, every single thing she does annoys me.. I find myself withholding silly information from her just because I don't want her to know EVERYTHING as I know this satisfies her.. Please help, I don't want to regret feeling like this.. Thanks you in advance..

Norah Fri 21-Jul-17 10:32:50

Quit answering the door.

Thistlerose1 Fri 21-Jul-17 10:35:09

I can't not answer the door because she comes round the back and can see us in our living room x

Primrose65 Fri 21-Jul-17 10:39:03

You sound really tolerant Thistlerose. I'd suggest going out for the day spontaneously, inviting other friends round so that she's 'interrupting' - anything you can think of to show her that you have your life to live and are not there for her amusement/inspection. It's great that she wants to visit her son, she needs to arrange it in advance with you. Offer to take him to see her sometimes too, it doesn't always need to be at your place. Good luck!

Nanabilly Fri 21-Jul-17 10:44:56

I'm afraid you have just got to tell her to stop coming round every day. I had the same problem with my mum who I had never had a great relationship with since childhood. She suddenly started popping round every Tuesday and I started hating every Tuesday. I'm not one for routine anyway and I've never lived in anyone's pockets as they say as I'm I very private person but in the end these visits distressed me so much .Its not easy to do but for your own sanity Just Do It !!!!

Thistlerose1 Fri 21-Jul-17 10:51:44

Nana billy I can totally relate.. I'm quite private if I think someone is desperate to store information to satisfy themselves.. I don't ask for help with money or my kids or anything else, I get on with things myself.. I don't feel like I'm getting the respect I deserve and I get wound up that I don't have control over my own house.. I know it will bring trouble if I implement rules, I'm doing the same with my sister, I've reached a point that I'm sick of being passive and just avoiding trouble.. My Gran will NOT be happy if I address this, I think she will not comply and say 'I was passing and car was there' x

wildswan16 Fri 21-Jul-17 10:52:51

Next time she leaves say firmly - I'm going to be too busy the next few days to see you, so could you come on xxxday and we can catch up. If she turns up then make sure your doors are locked so she can't just walk in, and when you open the door to speak to her repeat that you are busy and you will see her on xxxday. No other explanations are needed.

It is your house and your time so you need to take control of it - easier to say than do I know. She sounds pretty thick-skinned so I don't think you are going to upset her.

Thistlerose1 Fri 21-Jul-17 10:54:30

Primrose I've had other visitors in when she's arrived and she initially will say ' oh I didn't realise you had company' but then she will get comfortable and join the group with her own conversion etc.. I have tried getting to her house first with my son and she said it was too early and I heard she had said to other family members that she was too old to have young kids in her house x

Thistlerose1 Fri 21-Jul-17 10:56:49

Wild swan I called her last month and told her not to visit as I was having a meeting with the architect in regards to our loft being converted, she blatantly told me not to be stupid that she wouldn't be interested in the architect or our silly loft so she could sit in the livingroom to visit my son, she still came!! X

Primrose65 Fri 21-Jul-17 11:07:06

Sounds to me like you've tried everything and she won't listen. Go out every day - the weather is great. When you're home, park in a different road. She'll soon get fed up visiting an empty house and she won't be able to tell if you're there or not.

glammanana Fri 21-Jul-17 11:09:08

Oh Thistlerose what a nightmare but you need to speak to her about it before something is said which can't be taken back,can you say you are on your way out when she arrives unannounced one day and say really she should phone first as you will be taking little one out more during the day? even if you only drive to the local park hopefully she will get the message,do you have your mum close by who can speak to her about her visits,be gentle she may just be very lonely in her own home.

yggdrasil Fri 21-Jul-17 11:29:21

How old is your son, and what does he think of these visits?

Thistlerose1 Fri 21-Jul-17 11:34:30

Glammanana I think she is lonely but only due to the fact she has done some out of order things to other family members which has made them all create distance from her.. She can be rather vile at times for example she took my cousins daughter out of school and handed her over to her Dad for three nights without discussing it with her Mum.. My Gran is very self centred and has no idea that she isn't the be all and end all for everyone.. I'm due a big operation Sep/Oct with my forth baby and she is under the impression she should be able to accompany me instead of my husband because he was at our last birth!! She doesn't want to be there for support or anything to benefit me, she wants involved in the drama.. My Grandad had a small mole on his face that had cancerous cells but wasn't a risk to his health, she phoned round the family and told everyone he was 'riddled with cancer' She is obsessed with drama, she is obsessed with herself and she only smiles if she's been up to something.. Anyway I have loyalties to her because I've had it drummed into me that she brought me up! I think she did just usual granny duties but I was favoured over the rest, I wish I wasn't as I now get to pay for it.. Sorry to rant, it's a relief to get it off my chest smile x

Thistlerose1 Fri 21-Jul-17 11:35:53

Yggdrasil he is only 18 months, he is happy to see them.. My daughters are 14 and 10 and they flock to their rooms to avoid her criticism x

MawBroon Fri 21-Jul-17 11:38:58

Instead of saying Don't come, give her a specific day and time. Be out if she tries to say she is coming anyway. You may need CCTV of course! Is your Mum around/alive and could you enlist her help?
Difficult situation. It may involve a lot of trips out until she gets the message!

Thistlerose1 Fri 21-Jul-17 11:42:14

MawBroon my Mum lives in a different city and we aren't really close enough for her to help with this situation.. xx

cornergran Fri 21-Jul-17 11:51:34

Phew. Don't envy you thistlerose and sadly I suspect there is no easy answer. It sounds as if your gran has always had favourites, you in the past and your son now. I had the same thought as maw. Is your Mum around to intervene or another of that in between generation? Those of us who don't arrive anywhere unannounced struggle to understand a very different approach. I imagine if challenged she would have no idea why her presence is inappropriate. I can only suggest as others have that you tell her firmly when she is welcome and make sure she can't access you at other times. You say she comes around the back. Is there a gate that could have a lock 'for security nan'. Yes, at 18 months anyone to play with is welcomed, this will likely change as your son matures. What does your husband make of it all? Can he intervene? After all he doesn't have your history, you never know she may listen to him. I do wish you luck, I hope there can be a solution for you all. Do let us know how it goes.

Thistlerose1 Fri 21-Jul-17 11:59:06

Cornergran my husband thinks I should just bare it as he thinks I'll regret my feelings when it's too late.. He is very laid back and easy going.. We have patio doors at the back of our house so she can clearly see that we are in.. Yes she's always had favourites!! You're quite right, she will not understand why on earth I don't feel blessed to have her presence so often lol x

Elrel Fri 21-Jul-17 12:33:02

Blinds for the patio doors? Have a whole week when you're out at the times she is likely to visit?
I agree with the previous poster who said tell her a day and time when she can come.

devongirl Fri 21-Jul-17 13:01:01

Me too, be specific and say 'we'd be pleased to see you on Monday to Wednesday (or whatever suits) but not on.. in future.' I know it will be difficult (tried and hated assertiveness myself!) but she sounds so thick-skinned this is the only way she will get the message. Good luck!

PamelaJ1 Fri 21-Jul-17 13:21:09

Could you put up a fence and gate so the back garden is cut off and she can't get round to the patio doors?

grandtanteJE65 Fri 21-Jul-17 14:00:42

I doubt your Gran will take the hint, irrespective of what you try to hint or say.

You say she checks your phone and reads your mail over your shoulder.

I assume you have a mobile phone: keep it in your pocket and don't let her get hold of it. As to mail, don't read it when she is there. Put letters away in a locked drawer - I had to when I found my parents snooping and log out of your e-mail when she turns up. You are fully justified in telling her that both your phone and your mail are private.

Apart from that, I found the "Sorry, love, I'm just leaving, must run" line worked best and don't be forced to tell her when you'll be back or fall for the "well, I'll just sit down for a wee while and wait for you" answer.

Follow the good advice about telling her when she will be welcome and come right out with the fact that you are too busy to have her visiting every day.

Your husband is doing what most husbands do in these situations, leaving it to you. I sometimes think that is the main reason men marry - to have someone to deal with the awkward things in life. You won't regret having been firm with her, when she is no longer with us, but you probably will regret all the irritation she is causing if you don't set some limits.

judypark Fri 21-Jul-17 17:18:09

I can understand that you don't wish to upset her, but she is upsetting you and causing your daughters to seek sanctuary in their bedrooms.
I assume that as she's your grandmother she is a good age, given that she has all her marbles, well enough to snoop, pry and invade your privacy there is no excuse for her actions.
She appears to have taken on the mantle of dominant matriarch, she who must be obeyed and kowtowed to.
Let's fast forward 3 months, you will have your new baby and be recovering from major surgery not to mention trying to establish a new routine and lack of sleep. Far better to tackle this now than later.
Is your husband taking paternity leave? If so I would take myself upstairs with the little one and leave him to be her entertainer for the visit. How does he feel about her reading your private correspondence?
Our grandchildren and children owe us nothing so please don't tolerate this woman's unreasonable behaviour to the detriment of you and your unborn childs wellbeing any longer.

Barmyoldbat Fri 21-Jul-17 18:53:09

Why do you let her in, if she comes round the back make sure it's locked and if she can see you just wave her away or go upstairs. Take control.

Cherrytree59 Fri 21-Jul-17 19:52:41

I understand how you feel as I was in a similar situation with my Father when my Mum passed away.
At the time I had two young children
You have my sympathy.

Its important to put your unborn child's welfare first.
Explai to your Dh that it is having an affect on you and so could be detrimental to your baby health
Eg raised blood pressure,stress etc.

Ask your DH to speak to your gran
He could say to your gran that he would like to take her into his confidence. (softening up ploy)
Explain that Doctor has advised that you need peace and rest till the baby is born and that mean limited visits.

Also tell her if the curtains are drawn then you are sleepng as is your toddler.

Older people sometimes listen and respect the word of a doctor and husband. smile