Friendships - how good are you?

devongirl Thank you. I haven't seen or heard from said person for 3 weeks. Think I will resist the temptation to ring and ask if everything is alright ?

BBbevan I relate to your post, when I moved in 2 years ago a neighbour introduced herself to me straight away, which was nice, but she quickly became very persistent to the extent that I started feeling really freaked out. I didn't know what to do tactfully either, so basically ignored her and eventually gave up. Cowardly and I did feel bad, but like you I really didn't know how to handle the situation; I'd like ideas from other people too.

Petra the problem is anxiety. Try reading the whole story and not select a snippet to fuel your nastiness.

Peaseblossom
If you read the post, hopefully says:
"Because they haven't contacted enough,haven't supported enough, haven't done enough...... I think I am that friend!
She's admitted in her own words that she's not a good friend.

Lots of local acquaintances, but was brought up that if you make 1 good friend in a lifetime, you've done well. I have a Brazilian "sister" who has been close for over 50 years and equally a French friend since early teens who is like a sister. We can not contact for days/weeks/months, but when we need help or the proverbial shoulder, we're there for one another. And, of course, DH is my BBF ever!

Wow Serkeen not very helpful are we? Implying that the OP does not care, because if she did she would remember! Very tactless and unhelpful. I'm not surprised the OP responded to your comment.

It's certainly true that things change over time. I have a couple of very old friends who live miles away now but certain things about them really annoy me now. Would I be friends if we met now ? I think not. One thing is how class conscious and materialistic they seem to be. As if I am some poor friend from the city.
I think a lifetimes experience has widened my view of things.
Perhaps I am less tolerant now I am older. Definitely think that's true. Also people grow away from each other.
So I am on the hunt for new friends.

I have several good friends, a couple of whom know each other, but mostly the friendships are "separate". They are, each and every one, for very different reasons, hard work! I think all relationships are and while I'm complaining about their "failings" I try to imagine them complaining about mine. I have only ditched one friendship deliberately because this woman was 100% negative about everything and I just couldn't hack it. Anxiety is not selfish, you're not choosing to be anxious OP, so don't be so hard on yourself. I like what somebody said about asking first and telling second. I hope you're at least a little bit consoled to know that there are so many of us out here who, though we do have friends, find friendship b****y hard work!

I gave a list of birthdays, anniversaries etc written by month and sellotaped to inside of kitchen cupboard door. I buy cards for the month and write them, then just have to remember to send them! (I also put d.o.b of all kids to remember how old they are)

Never ever forget this little rhyme - it is very helpful...

You will have friends :-
1. For a reason;
2. For a season; and
e. For life.

Takes your pick, and don't grieve for a "lost" friendship - it may never have lasted.

Please ladies, I would like your advice on this.
As some of you may know DH and I recently moved to a small village, to be near DD. I left behind a lovely group of friends I had known since our children were babies.
Moving to such a small village we realised that we would have to be quite circumspect as we got to know our neighbour's. Our closest neighbour's, next door and across the road were very welcoming and are truly very nice people. We have had several invitations from them etc.
We are very busy with the new house and a super productive garden
A few weeks ago a lady knocked on our door. We did not know her but she said she lived around the bend in the road.
Within moments she had told us she had moved in about a year ago, she didn't like the area, found the villagers patronising, and would we like to come out to lunch with her and her DH. We were ia bit discombobulated and said Yes.
Since then as my DH says " She is determined to make you her friend" I do not dislike her and find her funny at times. However she is very overbearing, never listens to anything you say and runs down our neighbour's alarmingly. I would not chose her as a friend. But I do not wish to be unkind.
I think she is unhappy and I would not want to add to that by ignoring her. But having written this I realise that I do not want to be her' friend' What to do please ?

I have one friend. Wherever she has lived we have always spoken most days for anything from five to forty five minutes. Unfortunately she has brain tumours but has still kept up the chat. She attended hospital to have the larger tumour removed and that is it. No contact. Her sister in law sends a text reply if I ask how she is doing. Twenty years we have been friends and it breaks my heart that I cannot speak to her. The distance is too far for me to visit unfortunately. One friend has been fine for me. I do belong to a motivational group but they have their mates groups there and don't want to be friends outside of group. Dates for me are terrible. Even family birthdays are hard even when I have a birthday book!!

"I just accept my friends for who they are, I have some who I rarely see who have been there for me when I really needed them. I have helped friends out if I can when I can and also have friends who are miles away. I have a friend who is very unwell and I spend every day with as she lives near me. The only boundaries to me are those created by others"

I agree DS64till, couldn't have put it better myself. I don't have any sisters and my Mum died young, I think that's why my female friends are so important to me. I grieve when I realise I've "lost" one, fortunately it doesn't happen often. Reading some of the above posts, I guess I've been culled due to practical considerations such as too much distance between us and too little time spent together. I will always keep the door open though, life's too short to take offence! I hope I can see the funny side of tactlessness, but then some people probably find me too flippant. At my age I realise I can only be me, though. No point me trying to be anyone else, I wouldn't do it as well.

I've got 3 what I call 'proper friends'. None of us are great at remembering birthdays or where the other one has been on holiday etc etc. I guess by proper friends I mean people who will be there in a blink of an eye if you need them .... As I would for them. Who you trust with your innermost thoughts.

I was with one yesterday who I hadn't seen for a couple of months .... But as ever we caught up and had a lot of fun. She's probably my favourite!

And then there are the 'meet for a coffee' friends. Lovely ladies but the friendship is entirely different, rather superficial I guess.

SueDonim - I'm with you on this one! The besties know everything!

like pensionpat I have a system. I carry a little address book in my hand bag and when I meet someone at the U3A or what ever and we say we will keep in touch I put name and telephone down. At home I add where I met them and the date. if we do keep in touch and do something I enter the in my electronic address book which is an Excell spread sheet which i can print out. then at Christmas I send cards etc with message. When I get back from a holiday I ring round to find out how they are etc. I have my diary to hand and try to arrange a meet up in the next 6 weeks etc.

I would be unable to rely on memory alone. I have been 48 hrs back from a 53 day trip round the world with my 16 year old grandchild and now have a diary full of social events with ones pending;for example when friend gets back from cruise which starts Tues to contact again for meet up.

I opt for a few close friends who love me warts and all. I have only let friends go when they are unreasonably draining me and I have explored every avenue to rectify things. Just laugh at each other's shortcomings, none of us are perfect, except me of course !!

I think friendship is so valuable and precious, especially when it's lasted a long time. As for remembering birthdays and anniversaries - I write them in my diary. Maybe you could try focusing on the other person, Hopefull rather than feeling anxious about yourself. Think of social interactions as being more about listening than contributing - people like being listened to. Good luck.

Friendships change over time. I have two friends from my very young childhood days (our mother's were friends) and we still are.. the bond is still strong between us even though we all live hundreds of miles from each other. All our childhood memories,school days, boyfriends, marriages and children have kept these friendships going because we want to. Other friends who I have made over the years come and go, some of these friendships were made with people I worked with and I am still in touch with but don"t see them so often now. I find the easiest way of remembering birthdays and other friend/family occasions is to buy a big calendar with enough writing space on it and to sit down in the first week of the new year and write everyone's b/day and special occasion on it. I keep it on the wall near my kitchen sink and cannot forget people by doing it this way. At the same time add or alter any addresses in a small notebook and you have got a reliable system ....it works for me. Unless you are a real extrovert type of person it's not easy to make friends and once you retire your social circle seems to shrink. If you have a little dog it's one of the nicest ways to chat to other people...most of them are friendly and you get to know them gradually and possibly be friends. Maybe as colleges restart in September you could consider joining an evening class ...languages are good fun as they are an ice breaker once you start speaking to each other in the language you are supposed to be learning. I am still trying to learn Dutch as a family tree shows my ancestors originate from there. I will probably never learn it well but have had many good laughs with the others in our Dutch conversations.

I just accept my friends for who they are, I have some who I rarely see who have been there for me when I really needed them. I have helped friends out if I can when I can and also have friends who are miles away. I have a friend who is very unwell and I spend every day with as she lives near me. The only boundaries to me are those created by others

hopefull - I think the key lies in what you say is an anxiety problem, though I'm not sure if that relates to meeting people and social situations or more generally. Or it may be - as palliser65 has said - you are a natural introvert. Only you will know if any of these apply to you.

I am not sure why you regard an anxiety problem as "selfish" and I can assure you that being anxious is not at all unusual. Even the people who appear to be the most confident have anxiety problems from time to time.

I used to be very nervous in social situations because I had been brought up to believe that no-one would like me because there was something wrong with me. It took me a long time to work out that the criticism applied to the person who made it, not to me. But it put me off approaching people or making conversation for years.

I still have to fight this "conditioning" all the time and not let it take over. I usually do this by speaking to the people I don't know.

Please don't beat yourself up over not having as many friends as you would like. As you will have seen on Gransnet, many people have no or very few friends.

Above all, don't try to be someone you are not. Whilst many people prefer to talk to someone who is lively and confident, people should accept you for the way that you are. A true friend would, but they are hard to find.

I have only a few really good long-term friends. We do not see each other very often due to family commitments or time/distance but we are in touch on facebook quite often and when we do meet up makes it much more interesting as we have lots and lots of things to chat about over a lunch then later on for tea and cake a really great afternoon of freindship which is about 50+ years. There is never any feelings of guilt through not keeping in touch just trying to remember a birthday is something I list on facebook as a reminder.

Good posts here. Activity group a good idea and takes the pressure off. Same with WI, just don't gobon a committee!!!

Spot on Baggs and Anya.

I identify with you heleneth. I have a hard core of very good friends going back nearly 70 years. I love and value them hugely. One of them once commented that I was loyal to my friends and they have been extremely loyal to me, seen me through some horrendous times.

However some friendships run a course, really fabulous at the time, and maybe around a particular activity or interest and then they fizzle out for whatever reason. Hold the happy memories and move on.

OH and I are always welcoming and hospitable, just once in a while we realise we are being used, so gently withdraw. Just a couple of times we have had to make our feelings felt and end the friendship. One woman berated OH in a restaurant in front of friends about some imagined slight. That was unsupportable. Just recently a friend of nearly 50 years came to stay as she has in the past. She was so appalling, shocked other friends and treated us like lackeys. She was assuming she would be coming again and even thinking of buying a holiday home nearby. Horrors. We decided we could not entertain either idea! As she is so self absorbed, self referential and self centered I wrote a long email spelling out our reasons, harsh but factual. She couldn't defend any of it, but sent an email back totally castigating O H, full of lies and then cowardly enough to block me on email! And my best friend!

We both feel better having shut those two doors. I have to say I think those two have problems but do you know I really don't feel like dealing with them, other friends are more important.

So, hopeful, after that rant/ramble, choose your social life, choose you friends, don't get close until you are really sure, and don't be used. Good luck, have confidence in yourself, I am sure you are a lovely person and people out there will value you friendship.

I have two friends. One I met when I was twelve, the other I've known about 25 years. I'm more than happy with these two women who mean the world to me. I'm shy and don't make friends easily. As to forgetting things. At the beginning of the year I get a new diary and write all the important birthdays, anniversarys etc., in it. It's a desk diary and stays open in sight at all times, so I don't forget to send a card. I am hopeless about phoning friends. It makes me nervous, but texting is a boon!

I have recently told someone that I don't want to continue friendship, she was, I felt using me too much, she has rung 3 times, to try and chat but I just say I have to go and put the phone down. I grew tired on looking after her kids and cats and taking in her parcels and lending her money that was never seen again. In the end I wasn't sure that was a friendship in any real terms.

I love my friends but over a lifetime as few have started taking liberties and I have ended the friendship.

I find as I get older and friendships loom larger in what is available to me, I am more put upon, I live in a lovely area and the way that one friend of 30+ years kept using me as holiday accommodation got me down. She would book to come to me for the weekend then change her mind, then book the next weekend and bail again. In the end I just said don't come or ring me. She does ring and fB message me but is just as unreliable as ever, but at least I have learned not to keep making beds up and buying bacon.

I am also socially anxious or is it awkward? People seem to have a label for everything now. I go to things but don't make what I would call friends, I have had a life with wonderful friendships in, those people have died and are irreplacable, however I do make an effort and try to be light hearted and supportive of people.

You cannot however make a new old friend.

I have memory problems and I can't seem to get things into my long term memory. I can remember whilst I'm having a conversation with friend A what friend B said/did to friend C but by the next day it has gone.

For important things I get my mobile phone to give me a reminder everyday. So when my dear friend had her hip done I set my mobile phone to ping everyday to remind me to ask how she was doing. It was difficult to visit her because I can't drive and she loves driving (so normally did all of it but of course she couldn't drive after her op). She lives quite far from me and no direct bus.

About 2 months later, when she was much better she actually bought me a gift to say thank you for caring, because I had constantly asked after her! I was too embarrassed to say it was the phone! But still it worked! I make sure my friends' birthdays are in my phone too and then it reminds me of them too.