An upset grandson

I still say there must be more going on at home than anyone wants to see if he's responding that drastically

As well as negative comments, which you must expect on an open thread, (it goes with the territory!) there have been many positive suggestions which I would have thought danae would have responded to, including the last few posts.
It would be interesting to know what her feelings are to the many excellent suggestions made on here!

I am not at all surprised that Danae hasn't returned- she came on to get some constructive help and was sent on a guilt trip. Terribly unfair when she and her husband are fantastic grandparents.
Some replies are not in the least realistic - 'take the child with you and some school books'!! They would be taken to court these days for truancy - parents get fined for a one week holiday!
This child also has parents and siblings- things may not be ideal but every child is looking to their parent for love - and he equally wouldn't be happy taken away from the rest of the family.
Danae's job is to be the grown up in all this and handle the whole situation in a matter of fact, emotionally mature way- in order to give him the security needed for people he loves to go away for a holiday- knowing that they are thinking of him, keeping in touch and will be back.
Meanwhile his parents may have to actually take responsibility if they are in charge- it may do them all good. At least it gives Danae chance to tell them what they ought to do while she is away.
I agree with Iam64 and Danae deserves a 'best grandma* prize - not a guilt trip and to be told that she can't possibly have a holiday without the child for the foreseeable future and that the elderly relatives don't matter one jot!

Hear, hear!

I agree, I'm not at all surprised the OP hasn't returned. Jacq10 - good to see a sympathetic comment. You add that "he will still feel a bit of an outsider when at home". I know you mean at either of his parents homes, but the reality is, his home is with his grandparents. I do not criticise the OP for going away, she has good reasons to do so. She's dedicated the later stages of her life to her grandson for 9 years. So many grandparents step forward, as she did, to care for grandchildren. They should be appreciated rather than criticised for having to balance so many family needs other than their own.

nigglenellie - I can under stand why Danae is not responding - she is probably sorry she ever opened up her heart on this site. There have been a lot of conflicting views but most of them will be most upsetting for her. We are in a very similar position to her and I would be doing the same regarding the holiday. After all it is to see elderly relatives who may not be there when the next trip is planned. Of course her grandson is upset about everything and although some children are very confident at 9 don't forget this boy has been through his parents divorce and although they have created new lives and family he will still feel a bit of an outsider when at home. Of course it's not helped by Danae being his main carer since an earlier age but that can't be re-written and she has given him a life that kids his age should have. I doubt his parents would have done that for him. All she can do is keep re-assuring him that they are having a holiday and his life will get back to normal when they return. Danae - do try and fit in as many sleep-overs as you can before you go and involve him when setting up Skype and get him clued up about Australia and what you will be doing and he will get interested. Do you get a chance to speak to his teacher at school as it would be good if they were aware of the situation?

Danae - It's such a difficult one being pulled in different directions by grandson and committment to visit elderly relatives. I'm sure the practicalities of the school run have been sorted out.
Can't understand the suggestions of taking him with you - that amount of time away during term-time wouldn't be allowed anyway.
Wondered if you play word-games like Wordchums at all? have recently started playing this with my nearly 9yo GS and it's a great way of keeping in touch if he has access to an ipad or phone. He sometimes wins too! You can send short messages to each other, and it would help him learn about time-difference from one side of the world to the other. Worth cosidering. Have a great trip, and enjoy planning the trip for 2019 with GS.

Still can't quite understand why danae doesn't contribute more to this discussion, even if only to comment on all the positive ideas that people have put forward. I wonder if she will act on any of them or has she decided on another solution?

I really don't think any of the suggestions about keeping in touch/Skyping/postcards etc will completely solve your GSs problem. His problems are probably more linked to what has happened in his past than just your trip. You say you looked after him since he was 10 months old, possibly when his mother went back to work? Anyway his first experience of separation, his parents are divorced, lots of children blame themselves for parents splitting up, no matter how young they are when it happens. His parents have both remarried, another instance of feeling a bit left out. He has suffered a lot of emotional damage in his short life and your trip may be just a trigger bringing out all his uncertainties and feelings of loss. He needs everyone in his life to talk to him about what has happened to assure him that he wasn't responsible for the divorce, that both his parents still love and care for him, that he has a special place in both their families and that you will always care for him. Even then it may take a long time to help him through this.

Yeah to me it sounds like there isn't one single adult in this family who is prepared to put this child's needs first. As for this talk of Skype - at 9 that requires some adult to take the time to organise it. The OP didn't make it sound as if the parents would get round to it!

I understand the need to visit sick relatives - can the child not go with them? They can take some school books for him to keep up with his education.

Ideally the adults should have sorted this worrying emotional dependency on the grandparents well in advance of any necessary separation. You can't have it both ways.

You've set yourself up as his base his stability. A mere holiday doesn't justify this upset. Postpone til he's 13/14. He will be less dependent on you and more able to cope.Holidays.... waste of money and time!

Sounds as if you already really deserved this holiday ... even more so after reading some of these posts, probably!

It's really a pity that you're having to go through so much but (famous last words) try not to worry. The postcards-and-map ideas sound excellent and who knows ... this might actually help your grandson in the long run.

You sound like a marvelous Gran and your family's very lucky to have you! Don't let the muggles get you down and enjoy your holiday.

We can look at the child's POV and decide if it's reasonable for him to be upset and what can be done about it.

In the circumstances, I think it is reasonable for him to be upset and ALL the adults involved need to do their utmost to reassure him and help him deal with it.
(The parents can do this by prioritising his needs for a change.)

I actually think that much of the criticism on here is quite justified. There are six adults and an unhappy little boy ( for whatever reason) The six of them should sit down and sort out what this child deserves and is in his best interests. This isn't just about a holiday - the whole arrangement needs re-evaluating with the child's best interests put first. I'm sorry OP but whilst you carry on helping out as you do, you are letting the four parents off the hook and allowing them to treat their child/step child as a bit of a nuisance to be fobbed off. He deserves better, bless him

Go and don't feel guilty. You sound brilliant grandparents and deserve this holiday and not this criticism. 4 weeks will fly. Skype will help and hopefully it will make his parents think. Enjoy x

The facts that we know are that the holiday is booked, it's for less than a month and hardly a self-indulgent jolly, given that elderly relatives are involved.

Exactly! So why was it necessary to leave these facts out of the OP.

We're not mind readers.

I agree. They sound as though they've been wonderfully supportive. They may need this break in order to continue with their parental roles in the future.

Of course we must take into account a child's POV but it isn't the be-all-and-end-all. Looking at life from their POV might mean that many children would eat sweets all the time, not go to bed until midnight and spend all day on screens.

The facts that we know are that the holiday is booked, it's for less than a month and hardly a self-indulgent jolly, given that elderly relatives are involved.

Therefore I think it's better to concentrate on helping the OP do what she can to manage her GC's anxiety and also to get his parents to take ultimate responsibility for him.

The OP asked for advice but without giving the full facts.

An extended holiday could mean a trip around the world in a campervan whereas a trip to Australia lasting under a month is no big deal these days.

We are then told that the boy is an emotional child who needs support and is used to going on holiday with them so it's odd that so many posters are adopting the 'negative, unkind comments' line just because some of us are trying to see things from the child's point of view and not the OP's.

Great idea, Flowerofthewest.

Also, can the parents start to take responsibility for the after-school clubs etc now, before you go away?
That would help to reassure your DGS that they will actually cope with what needs to be done.

Its my opinion too.

I think that the parents should step in and maybe take their annual leave to care for the child. They are the problem not the OP. Enough of the criticism. Poor woman needs support not to feel even worse than she does. In my humble and not very popular opinion why have children and leave someone else to bring it up.

Oh, really, talk of 'abandoning him' is preposterous.

Everyone is different.

We are in A very similar situation with our dgs aged 8. We have been caring for him since he was a few months old. When his parents marriage failed my dd and he came to live with us and were here for 5 years. Although he and his mum now have their own home (very nearby) we still do the school runs, give him his dinner etc. Due to his mum's very demanding job. He is very attached to us and there is no way we would consider leaving him for even a week long holiday!! We knew what we were doing when we committed ourselves to him and wouldn't dream of abandoning him. Children need stability and these days with parents under so much pressure to work long hours our role as grandparents can be crucial. I am a grandma, it's my job, no holidays for us unless he comes too. I'm with you Merlotgran