An upset grandson

I've been thinking about this little boys parents. danae is it possible your grandson has heard negative comments from his parents about your trip? Things indicating they won't cope? If he has of course their negativity has been added to his own, normal, fears. Can I add to the very sensible management strategies offered to you a thought that a straight talking conversation with your grandsons parents is needed. Find out what they have said to him, involve them in making the strategies you decide to implement a reality, tell them what is expected of them as adults. Reassure your grandson that you will be back and then come back when he expects you to. Your situation is an impossible one, I wouldn't criticise you for a second, you are caught between the generations and your husband's wishes. I'm not sure what your own wishes are, I suspect you aren't used to considering them. With a clear strategy everyone will cope, you will be back soon and may find you are needed less, which can only be a good thing.

Go and have a great holiday it's a short time just under a month and it with be nice to see your family there.
I do hope that some of the people on here haven't already ruined your holiday for you ?

I read about a mum who had devised a simple idea when her son was nervous at school and I thought it was lovely she drew a small felt tip heart on the inside of her hand and one on her son's hand and she told him whenever he felt lonely or sad to press the heart and she would do the same every time she thought of him
The other thing I was thinking depending of course on how soon you are going but could you get your lad to help you organise the trip, look up places for you to visit on the internet, do you have photos of the place you're staying or the people you're staying with to familiarise him involve him in the flight details what about flight tracker ?
You havent given much clues about his home life apart from they both work long hours and aren't interested in him I m presuming he has half siblings ...are the step parents ok with him or is he bullied or put down by them, ignoring him is a severe form of rejection and can damage for life

It would be so easy to get wrapped up in guilt and cancel your holiday but you really mustn't. You are entitled to live your lives too. You are aware of how distraught he is and in many ways that is a good thing because you can put some contingency plans into place before you go. You must give him lots of reassurance but don't let him pick up on any anxiety you may be feeling over this trip. Keep talking to him, try to get his parents involved and ask him what HE feels you could do to help him through this difficult period. Can you WhatsApp each other, is that an option at all? Are things okish for him at home apart from the borderline neglect? Could there be any chance that he is being bullied by anyone in his new families? I know this is not an easy time for you and he will cry when you go but I really hope you get to have a super holiday! By goodness, you've earn it.

Very difficult situation for you we have brought up our gd. She is now 16 nearly 17.
She has been through an awful lot over the years. She has mental health issues but gets help.
I could not have left Her at any time only with my d her Aunt. They are very close.
I am not going to say what you should do only that if and when he gets older the stability he deserves will help him to grow and mature.

I really feel that the negative comments are really unkind. The grandparents do so much for this child and deserve a break and its really not for that long. There are some excellent suggestions here about crossing off days, schedules, maps , pictures etc and its really so much easier to communicate from a distance these days with texts, emails, photos, skyping or facetime etc . I'd keep in regular touch, promise you'll return (with a present?) and make sure the parents know to be sensitive and make a fuss of him while you are away. As others have said, he may well benefit in the long run.

We can only comment on this, as the situation seems to us we are not here to offer unconditional support , as say, a health thread may be.
Only the OP knows the true situation and has to make a call on what to do.As it is, the call has already been made, and presumably the OP would like us all to agree with her.I can't.

There are some judgemental posts here, I do hope Danae isn't wishing she'd never asked for suggestions on how to handle the distress her grandson is currently showing. The tragedy for this little boy is that neither of his parents put him first. Neither of them seem to want to "integrate" as someone put it, him into their new families. No wonder he's showing insecurities.
I hope some of the positive suggestions here are helpful and that you enjoy your holiday, a well deserved break. So many grandparents are in a full time parental role, it isn't easy or straightforward. I hope the OP doesn't have some of the critical and judgemental comments made here going round and round in her head. Most of us are better at hearing our own critical voice than the positive one, even when we haven't been on the receiving end of criticism.

My daughter virtually lived with my Mum when she was young because I was studying at Uni, working 3 jobs and my DM would always get her started on something fun just before I arrived so DD was reluctant to go home. To be honest, I loved my daughter more than anything in the world but sometimes it was easier to take the path of least resistance so from afar it might have looked like I didn't put her first. When my DD was 4, my DM announced she was moving to Mexico for a year. My DD was devastated and sobbed loads and displayed similar signs of distress as your DGS. Frankly, I wondered how I would manage too but recognised my DM had to join my DSF. My DM wavered about going but I encouraged her to be with him. Within a week or two my daughter realised that the sky wasn't going to fall in and settled down. When my DM returned, things resumed as normal but I had finished Uni, was working full-time and my DD was at school, so I had more time so the time spent with my DM was somewhat reduced.
I am so glad my DM went though because my DSF died a year after they returned from Mexico and if she hadn't have gone, my DM wouldn't have had those wonderful memories with him, saved a baby who was fitting and received medical help for something the NHS had missed. Go danae give yourself a break, your DGS a chance to experience handling distance between you and enjoy your time when you get back to him.

I haven't read all the replies although I can see that some are pretty damning! I think your Skype idea is good-and at nine years old, I think once a week is about right. As much as you love him, he isn't your son, so this is a time for his parents to rally round and really support him. I would talk about it-don't leave it as something unspoken-so he gets chance to say what he feels-preferably in the company of a parent. Also, maybe earmark something a little special for when you get back so he gets a sense of the time passing and you coming home again. Although he is clearly upset now, I think he will settle down, as long as his parents provide some stability and security for him during the month. This is more about them than you, I feel. You deserve a holiday I'm sure, and so I'd go..enjoy it...and who knows, some good may come out of the developments that occur between him and his parents whilst you're away.

You never know, whilst you're away, he and his parents may get used to the new routine - parents picking him up from school, helping him with homework - normal parent-child life. Perhaps when you get back you shouldn't automatically go back to the old routine - maybe just have him a couple of days after school. How will he ever integrate into family life if this system continues?

Nine years old and none of his parents put him first.
No wonder he is upset, a month is a long time for a child.
It's all arranged, so you have to go, but I wouldn't have done so.

Danae , you sound a lovely caring Gran , as if you're doing all you can for this little boy .
You deserve a break , and hopefully the bairn will settle when he realises you are coming back and will be in contact throughout .
Could he be more upset because he doesn't want to stay with his parents without the cushion of love you afford him . Perhaps a day to day diary , with him being allowed to mark off places he would like to visit when you take him in 2019

Sorry but I disagree with the fact that you are making her feel bad I have grandchildren who I would love to see regularly but not bring up , I think she needs this holiday and where are the parents in all this why should Danae be held responsible for the parents mistakes? I work with children and see things from both sides but parents need to be more responsible and stop replying on grandparents to pick up the pieces!!!

I know that I would rather have fun grandparents who involve me in their adventures rather than one who won't even take an exciting work trip because they don't want to be separated. A bit worrying to have adults who want to live through you.

I am glad that you have clarified danae - I thought you must be off touring for 3months at the very least!
You have to balance elderly relatives- by the time you feel able to leave the child they may be dead!
It may be good all round. It will be a wake up call for the parents - at the moment you are doing it all so they need not bother.
It will also be good for your grandson to know that people can go away and they will come back- and love doesn't suffer if you happen to be on holiday for a few weeks.
You can make him feel very special and exciting.
You have limited time for that sort of travel - your grandson has years of opportunity ahead.
Since you are taking him in the foreseeable future you can treat it as a fact finding trip- put it to him that it will be more interesting for him if you have discovered the fun places to take him.

There are a lot of really good suggestions on here. I like the idea of a map tracking where you are. Perhaps bringing a memento e.g.. postcard from each place for his map would be a way of him looking forward to your return (you could bring them home with you if post is too long). Also text and Skype or FaceTime. Also the idea of making some plans for when you are away - maybe one a week - even a trip to seaside/woods with Mum or Dad - needn't be expensive. And the calendar also sounds brilliant. I guess he might be thinking you won't come back if he is so insecure. Enjoy your holiday x

We have much the same situation with 2 of our GC but without the divorce. Their main concerns when we are going away are:
When will we be back? Calendar with dates on to cross off until return date.
Who will pick us up/take us to school? Parents and grandparents reassure that they will be at after school club and picked up by Mum or Dad, routine on the noticeboard AND copy sent into school.
Who will have us in the holidays? Either we will be back or they are away with their parents.
Mostly what children hate is uncertainty. (Children in school often cry on the day when they don’t know who’s picking them up.)
Our GC Facetime us from home whether we’re away or not so they’re used to it and it’s no big thing.
I hope you enjoy your holiday and your grandson is OK. He will still have the continuity of routine in school. It’s just possible that he will be more relaxed when you have actually gone. Sometimes separation anxiety is worse before separation than when it actually happens.

I totally agree Jaycee I was expecting an extended holiday to be 3 to 6 months I too wish we got more information in the original post it makes it so much easier
I think you have given two big clues in your second post Danae 'Neither set of parents put him first' and 'he's an emotional child '
He sounds as if he's a little boy in a fair bit of turmoil emotionally, with you as his only stability I think you need to talk to both sets of parents ( and how will they manage with all the out of school stuff for three weeks) I also think you need to talk very positively to him telling him how short it is and how quickly it will go Positive affirmations give him a calendar to mark the days off like an advent calendar type or make one.... postcards are a nice idea but you ll probable be nearly back before they arrive
Lastly expect tears when you skyp him I hope it doesn't spoil your holiday as you may hear lots of messages about how unhappy he is
I would imagine his parents break up and their added disinterest has affected him a lot, poor chap

Bravo to you and dh, danae, for all you do for gs and giving him the stability that he needs! Unfortunately, for him, that's what is being threatened by the thought of your going away. How can he be sure his parents will get him to and from school and activities, etc. when they've never done it before? I understand gps needing a holiday and dh's wish to spend time with other family. But this must be very scary for gs.

That said, I agree with those who say that it's his parents who need to reassure him. They have to let him know that they'll be there for him and do things on time, etc. Can they do that and mean it? I hope so.

If it were me, I'd let dh go and stay home. But since you're going, I hope you have fun and that all goes well at home, too. It's really up to the parents and stepparents this time.

I can recall reading somewhere that if a child is going away and worried to tell them that they can have a good time but they have to come back after a week, two or whatever the time is.
Could something like this work for your grandson? Say how long you're away for and even though you're having s nice time you WILL be back on such and such a date,whatever happens.
All he can see at the moment is you going away,There's no focus on when you'll be back.

Are you sure he's upset by your holiday - perhaps something else has happened at school or in either of the other two families?
I'm guessing you may be getting to the age of thinking unless we have a 'gap year' or something we'll be too old.
You've done well with the boy so far but actually, he is the responsibility of his parents and they should both look after him and reassure him. Many parents work long hours but they still raise children successfully between them.

Under a month isn't really an extended holiday though which is all you said initially and frankly your second post gives an entirely different impression than your first. If you described it as an extended time to the child, it could explain his reaction.
If you had just said a holiday, the comments would not have been the same.
He needs to be clear about where he will be staying exactly how long you are away (and emphasise that it is a short time). As others have said, give him a calendar with the return date marked off and keep in contact but be light about it and he will pick that up from you.

Personally I think you sound like fantastic grandparents, your GS is a lucky boy, he'll have lovely memories when he's an adult, go on your holiday and have a fantastic time, he'll still be here when you get back, please don't worry about any criticism from posters here take the good advice of using maps and cards , he'll survive

danae, amongst all the furore that your post seems to have stirred up might I make the suggestion that you emphasise how much YOU are going to miss HIM whilst you're away and pressure him to keep in touch. Although not the same situation, I've never forgotten how cross upset our youngest DD (aged 15) was when we weren't able to take her on a prize holiday to Barbados (our first foreign trip ever).