An upset grandson

I did a book for my Grandchildren when I did a world cruise, a page for every day. Some times a message some times some information about where we were that day (and the time in that country) giving them an exorcise to find out where we were on the map or what was the flag of the country we were in, national food etc. I put family pictures in the odd page and asked them to write a story about that particular event. It was hard work before I went away but when I came home all the pages were filled in! Well worth doing. Enjoy your break and be prepared to burst into tears some times when you think of him! For to be sure you will! ?

I think you are the ones who spell security in his little world ...not just grandparents but almost a dual role as surrogate mum and dad. At nine he is still very young to understand exactly what this extended holiday means in real terms. He just sees it as you not being there and is very distressed ..hence the bed wetting. As you have not said how long extended is, it is difficult to make a suitable suggestion. This little lad needs lots of reassurance as young children don,t understand the perception of time as adults do. I would suggest a calendar so he can tick off ....how many sleeps until you arrive back again. I used to do this between visits to my grandchildren when they were young as I did not live near them and they would count the days off on a calendar until my next visit to them.

Hmm rather an extreme reaction from a 9yr old. Makes me wonder whether something very serious indeed is going on for him at home that you haven't suspected. My radar would be bleeping loudly by now.

Take him with you!? - an educational trip for him.

Perhaps your grandson is not happy with step parents and needs you there for someone to run to. My own grandson was like that . I got a phone call from a distressed 14 year old saying that he felt he was going to attack his stepdad if he did not stop his controlling and bullying behaviour.. Some children have a lot to contend with . It's good that you have been there for him. Perhaps a two week break?

Wow..such criticism towards the OP. Some harsh comments when we don't know all the facts. Maybe there is a reason that an extended holiday at this time is planned...there could be serious illness to one of them or another child of theirs that may prevent them postponing to 'some time in the future'.
And who can predict when the child is going to feel okay to cope with a separation from his grandparents..age 10..12..15?
Children are often separated due to parent's jobs, being sent on deployment/working away etc.
In my own case I was sent away to boarding school in another country and saw my parents 3 school holidays per year! Did I want to go? An emphatic NO! Did I suffer at the time emotionally ..Yes. But eventually I learnt to cope and that in turn taught me some good life skills.
Just maybe this young boy will even benefit from spending time with his true parents when he realises that he cannot run to his grandparents.
It could even, in time, prove to be the best thing to heal the parent/child relationship.

What a difficult situation for you and your grandson.
I will disagree with some who say put off your trip though.
You are entitled to a trip away, extended or not. As you haven't said why you're going it may be a necessity (family etc) mixed in with a break.
Did your grandson live with you? Or did you spend alot of time because his parents worked long hours and separated?
Can you have a family meeting with the other adults in his life and work out how he can be supported whilst you're away? It would seem everybody will have to pull together for this little lad who may be feeling lost right now. He will have just started back at school too & there may be some anxiety around that too.
The map idea is wonderful and you could help him search the internet to research your destinations so he can see where you'll be at which times. A scrap book with a time line may help him. Emails with pictures, Skype or WhatsApp calls , any communication to reassure him you're ok & are coming back.
I took one of my dgd teddies away with me and photographed him out and about with me! Can you give him something of yours to look after while your away too? We swapped teddies ? I hope you find a solution that suits everyone ?

Not enough information to make any sense of it. How long will you be away, and where are you travelling to?

Danae How long is extended ? The poor chap is clearly insecure hence the bedwetting and even a week would seem an eternity to your GS.
I am sure as he matures he will be able accept that he can't be with you 24/7
Possibly ott and no way, but any chance of taking him with you?

Breaks for the grandparents are totally justified, it's the long term holiday bit that's obviously worrying the child and if the OP doesn't come back we ll never know if it's a ten day break or a 6 month break We also don't know who the lad lives with or what sort of arrangements have been made for his care while the grandparents are away
The original post states the bedwetting etc is due to his worry about the holiday so why say it maybe something else

Do be cautious with the joys of Skype when my grandaughter was about that age and stayed with me for ten days her mum and dad used to Skype each evening and it's the only time she would ever cry she would be fine all day having a great time as soon as she saw them she would break down and sob which did them no good or her

I agree with Merlotgran. It does depend on how long a break it is but maybe it just isn't something that can be managed. Could you not go for shorter breaks until he is a bit older and could maybe stay with a friend?
It is not much help to him for people to just complain that the parents should be doing more. Of course they should but they aren't and he can't help that.
Life isn't always fair and it is not fair that the grandparents have to be the parents, particularly when the parents are still around but his lifeline is being removed and that isn't fair either.
I realise that that is not the question that the OP has asked but the question that they have asked does not have an answer as there is no way that this can be made bearable for the child.

I feel very sorry for the poor little boy. It's clear the bed wetting and clingyness have been triggered by his distress. However DO understand that Gran and granddad deserve some good quality breaks while they can still enjoy them. What to,do? Skype as often as you can. Give him a special (perhaps small) gift just from you that he can keep with him while you are away and maybe keep in his pocket at school or a mascot of some sort. Talk a lot about when you get back to him and what you'll do. Tell him that while you are somewhere else, you will always be with him 'in his head/mind' and that he will be in yours. Send lots of postcards. He's likely to be upset when you go, but for goodness sake, haven't the parents got ANY sense of responsibility? He has a number of half-siblings in his family - he should be seen as the special one, not an afterthought - and he should be told he's special.

Exactly.

Well unless the OP comes back with more information, this is all so much speculation.

Perhaps, danae, you and your husband could also think about organising a holiday or some special outing for you and your grandson to happen some time after you return from your expedition.

best

So, in short, I think those suggesting ways (postcards, discussion, maps, etc) to 'manage' what is going to happen are the nest way forward for the grandparents.

This is not lacking sympathy for the child. It's just not blaming anyone.

Besides which, bedwetting and clinginess are not uncommon even in nine year olds.

NB I'm not saying they are common but that they are not uncommon.

It's not just a case of a child beinga bit upset is it Baggs. If a nine year old boy has started wetting the bed and has shown other obvious signs of insecurity and distress, it's more than just being awkward or demanding.

I agree, eloethan, but that doesn't prove, or even suggest without more solid evidence, that it has anything directly to do with the grandparents.

Nor, even, that it is the parents' fault.

I am not willing to blame anyone for the child's distress at this stage. It could be caused by any number of things.

As they are divorced with new families,

This says it all really - poor lad probably feels that he doesn't belong anywhere. Restarting bed-wetting at 9 indicates a lot more going on than just your trip. I do wish people would prioritise their current children when they 'move on'.

I think you need to involve the parents in the management of his upset.

And of course I might not have anything to do with danae's trip.

Could you tell us a little more dannae? How long will you be away and how far are you travelling. I'm usnure if your grandson lives full time with you at the moment or if he is with his Mum most of the time but historically with you as a baby/younger child. What about his Dad. When does he seem him?

I guess it's easy for you and us here to put all the focus on your planned trip but what else is happening. Could he be being bullied at school? Have problems with a friendship group or half siblings? Also, what happens to his half siblings while parents are working, who cares for them? Is his anger with his Mum new or has that been building for a while?

In terms of support for him yes, involve him as much as possible, the map and postcards are a great idea. Also lots of reassurance, could you Skype or speak more regularly or could he be permitted to text or call you if/when he needs to? The only other thought is whether there is anyone else close to him who could support him while you are away. Another relation? Teacher? Cub leader? Even a friend's parent if he gets on well with them.

I also hope your grandsons parents will take responsibility for him, he is their child. Your concern must feel a weight, I hope you can find strategies that will reassure you all.

I think that everyone is being very hard on danae. She and her husband have put their own lives on hold for more than 8 years looking after this little boy whose own parents have not, and are not, doing a very good job. Had they been normal grandparents they would have been able to have their own plans and freedom to carry them out.
She didn't ask whether she should go, just suggestions for managing it.
Alima had the best idea - really involve him. Get library books and let him see where you are going, get the map and little flags to track you. In addition to Skype you can email each other and send him photos.
Above all speak to both parents and get them to take responsibility for the happiness and security of their child. Ask what they are intending to do to prepare him for your holiday and manage while you are away. If the answer is nothing tell them what they should do.

To start being clingy and bed wetting at 9 is telling you the young chap has become a very troubled child indeed and you haven't even gone yet
I agree with you merlotgran (although what does extended mean ...a month, two months, six months?) Poor child.... Danae says they have practically brought him up so it's the equivalent of leaving your own child to try to flounder between two families who don't sound as if they have any time for him would you leave your own child to go on an extended holiday? ....
Didn't you see this would happen ? I can't imagine a weekly Skype will touch the sides he will probably be sobbing when he sees your faces and upset you and him what if the Skype airwaves fail one week and he's left worrying I really don't think this has been thought through at all will you really enjoy yourselves thinking about him back at home

This is much more than a young kid missing his Nan and grandad whilst they are away on holiday

I don't think criticising the OP is very helpful. She wasn't asking for opinions on whether she should go away, she would like help to manage the situation.

She doesn't expand on her situation and for all we know, the child may have been happy at the idea of his GP's going away but now the reality has hit him, he's feeling wobbly about them going away.

Danae, I think constant reassurance is required now, although I'm sure you know that. A friend with a very insecure child recently did a project with him, using postcards from different place to show how we are all connected by invisible strings. Maybe sending him PC's with a plan to join them into a collage when you're home again would be helpful?

He sounds a troubled child so I hope outside agencies are involved, allowing you to enjoy a break yourself.