Calling introvert grans

I hope you can read this and it’s not too small.

Extraversion/Introversion has nothing to do with it. I have never found any connection between introversion/extraversion and an ability to express love and affection or to be supportive and appreciative. The method of doing it may be different, one possibly noisier and showier.

Whatever the OP's mother's problem is, being an introvert has nothing to do with it, My parents were not emotionally expressive, but we children never doubted their love for us and always knew whatever we did we could always go home and be protected and supported. We knew that actions spoke louder than words.

I agree Elegran. I think my mother doesn't realise the difference

I think extrovert/introvert is being confused here with positive/negative.

You can have extroverts whose outlook is negative, who throw loud tantrums if they are crossed and give Oscar-winning performances running down people they don't like, as well as jolly ones who have a smile for everyone and can chat for hours.

You can have introverts whose outlook is positive, always looking quietly for the bright side of things and seeing problems as something to be overcome, as well as sour loners and nay-sayers.

Heavens, you make introverts sound like really Bad People. I just thought we are more reserved than extroverts, quieter till we really know people but then fine. One of my DDs is extrovert the other introvert. We all get by fine, we have different natures but that's it, the love and demonstrative nature of our relationship is evident. (Sometimes I can find extroverts exhausting, throwing their opinions around like confetti, wish they had an off switch sometimes). I am sure your DM has other issues, sincerely hope Booklady is right.

Thanks all. I have wondered about her being a narcissist but can't quite pin in down. According to her, she came from a very repressed family and so doesn't know how to express love. Doesn't stop her from expressing meanness though.

Coolgran - I had similar experiences of my mother never coming to watch me. In fact on one occasion as a teen, my sisters and a friend and I performed a little dance recital at our local yacht club (because there was seriously nothing else to do). I was looking at the old photos of the dance and laughed at my 80s perms. My mother said: 'Oh god, I was so embarrassed about you doing that I couldn't stay and watch.' So I said, 'how did we have the pictures then?' And she said. 'Oh friend's mother took them. She was really upset with me for not staying and watching but I wasn't going to be embarrassed like that.'

And that sums my mother up entirely.

I suffered the same treatment from my mother for more than 50years.. Last year I was so tired of the effect that a lifetime of this behaviour had had on me that I went to see a Counsellor. She told me that this is a classic symptom of narcissistic personality disorder. I found lots online and a great book that helped me make sense of it all. It did help to make me feel it wasn't my fault!!

I would say I'm an introvert. I dont like a fuss, can't stand drama or attention. I enjoy my own company and need my own space. I dont think that makes me especially critical or ungrateful though; at least I hope not! I'm not one for hugs and cuddles, etc, I have to say, but my daughter assures me she feels loved, and that she had an idyllic childhood.

Elegran when I use the term introvert with regard to my mother I do believe there was an element of this. But I think you have a point in that there probably was a lot more going on. Never a visit to my school when I appeared in the school concert, signed the form refusing permission for me to do the 11+ because it was only 'posh' folk who went to the Grammar School. In truth I reckon she felt overwhelmed by the thought that I might go to grammar whereas it would have made no difference to her when she kept herself removed from it all anyways.

A caustic tongue came easily to her until near the end when as previously mentioned, Alzeimers took hold.

OP - sorry, I am not an introvert. However, I am the daughter of an introvert mother and fully understand your frustration. I also dealt with the lack of enthusiasm for anything other than criticism.

She died 12 years ago. For the last approx 3 years of her life she became such a lovely gentle person, sadly this was when she was suffering from Alzeimers.

I think perhapss an introvert is afraid, that they suffer from a low esteem and indeed can only worthwhile by putting another down.
I have this saying on my kitchen wall.

"Blowing out someone elses candle doesn't make yours shine any brighter".

Introvert/extrovert is not about praising or criticising your children, or about being cheerful or a miserable sod. Introverts are just as loving to their children and grandchildren, just as pleased when they hear that they have done well, just as upset when they are hurt, and they can express these feelings to those they love. They just prefer not to be up there on a stage throwing emotions about and (as they would put it) over-acting to please the gallery. You don't find introverts throwing their knickers at pop stars and screaming, but they buy just as much of their music, and play it too. Extroverts on the other hand are perfectly happy to be onstage over-acting, in fact they hate it when there is no audience.

So no, she is not just an introvert, whatever she thinks she is. She is either just selfish, hypercritical and cold-hearted, or she is emotionally damaged. You ask if she has other issues going on - yes, she probably does. What was her childhood like? Does she talk about it? Was she criticised so much that she can't praise anyone else?

Thanks Teetime. I feel as though I have spent my entire life being the grown up in our relationship, tip toeing around my mother's sensitivities. She came to visit over the summer and I sacrificed having our family holiday so that I could spend two weeks with her, taking her on a trip to Scotland. I arranged everything but almost immediately on the trip, she started being her normal self, refusing to give an opinion about what she wanted to do, but anything I suggested, got a very lukewarm reception. According to her (when I raised it in my email) was that she felt that I knew the area better so didn't feel she should impose her opinion. But it made me feel shitty because I couldn't figure out if she was actually having a nice time, as it certainly didn't look like it. When I tried to raise it with her during the holiday ie. mom please tell me what you want to do so that you get the holiday you're after, she said that comments like that brought her to tears so she couldn't speak (?!?). Again, she blames this on being an introvert.

That doesn't sound normal to me but I would really love for some introverts to come and tell me if that is indeed how they feel. That they would rather say nothing, not venture an opinion and keep the peace (even though by not venturing an opinion makes it worse!)

Well my mother was just like that and only after her death did I realised I had just wasted over 50 years trying to please her when she didn't want to be pleased. I wish I had cut her off years ago. perhaps you should consider how much more time you want to waste on this. I do feel your pain though?