Calling introvert grans

...When I say "introvert is just an excuse" I mean in relation to your mother, not in relation to all introverts! Sorry, not expressed well!

I think "introvert" is just an excuse for being hurtful and unkind. I did not have this with my mother but with someone who looked after me for quite a long time as a child as my parents were abroad ...it was an impossible difficulty to deal with because I honestly think she was probably desperately unhappy and damaged herself (as a child) ...I gave up in the end but I know this is different than giving up on your Mum!

I think calling this an introvert/extrovert clash is misleading. My mother was on occasions unpleasantly critical whilst she prided herself on her tact with others. A funny example was when going together to a social do and wearing a new shrug knitted in a fluffy yarn I was greeted with the words "you look like King Kong!
My mother told me she resented the close rapport I had with my father.I wonder if your mother could be jealous of you in some way?

We have always tip toed around her youngest daughter since her teens as her behaviour, anger and disrespect for the family makes life unpleasant. Everything we say is twisted so we're even scared to speak. I am an unpaid nanny to their little girl who we adore. We take her to little groups and give her much love and undivided attention. Our daughter however finds fault in everything we do and we cannot say anything because if we do, she threatens to not allow us to see our little grand daughter which is unbelievably distressing for us. If she says jump, we jump. Her behaviour is also affecting our eldest daughter who worries for our health. Why do this generation use children as weapons against us? And how can we stand up to her without losing our grand daughter?

Youe mom maybe introverted however that is not the behaviour or an introvert. That is the behaviour of a woman with issues who is seriously messed up.

Your Mom is selfish, dramatic and an arch manipulater who doesn't think you should have a life outside of your family.

She is emotional abusive, vindictive and spiteful. This is either because she is jealous of you or/and thinks you should live a life based at home.

I am sociable yet introverted. I prefer to be at home and surrounded by family.

I am not like your mom who quite frankly doesn't sound a nice person yet I am introverted. I think you need to revise that your mom is really not a nice person and yes it's hard

I think we need to talk openly about not getting on with our mothers and indeed not loving them.. It is a taboo.... I too took years to realise that my mother was a bitch and a narcissist. Nothing would ever please her and never got support or any love really. Was not really wanted either!
I suffered hugely and left when I was 18 but it was all within me. and my fault of course....I was never free of her from inside myself. This is not our fault but theirs.... and we must not suffer in silence and be ashamed.....

Extravert. I had a similar relationship with my mother. she could only critizise never praise and everything I did in my life was wrong. When I was 21 - yes 21 - I discovered I was illegitemate and my brother and sister were half and my dad, who I loved, wasnt my real dad.

I had already left home by that stage (at 17) and carved a happy and contented life away from her domineering. She was the opposite of your mother - she was a professional extrovert and demanded attention from all who knew her. Even her family disowned her eventually but they accepted me into their fold.

I am now a 77 yr old g.g.mother, a loving husband of almost 53 years and a caring family of whom I am so proud as ironically my mother did me a huge favour, although it certainly didnt seem it at the time, because I promised myself I would never live my life the way she had.

I went to her funeral in 2004 and made my peace with her but in reality it should have been the other way around.

So do what I did - cut all ties - and lead the life you wish to lead.

My mother always tried to control my and my sister's lives when we grew up. She was a good mum when we were children. But as adults she she was awful. I have three girl's. She was a good Nanny until they went to visit my Dad who lived in Scotland. When they returned she wouldn't see them , they were 10,8 and 6, end didn't understand her st all. In the end she didn't see them again. She died ten years later.

I'm an introvert and totally agree with everything Alima says.

My mother was the same, she was never happy with anything I did, nor was my father, I was introduced to my father's family in this way : " This is Tony the arty one, this is Samantha the pretty one and that's Angie the Geek"! I found it so hurtful, I cried myself to sleep so many tines. My mother was a control freek, she had to be right, I spent so many years trying to please them, then I met my now hubby, had two children (who I love equally) I would do anything for them, and they would do the same for me. I ended up going for counselling, and it helped, I now realise they were the ones with the problem(my mother died eight years ago and I no longer speak to my dad) not me. So please Extrovertintrovert. DO NOT FEEL as if you have anything to feel sorry for, don't waste anymore time on someone who makes you feel so bad, you are worth so much than that, you are a good person. Hugs xx

I agree KirkbyGirl. These mothers can demonstrate how not to parent. We can learn from that.
The chain can be broken.

I used to think I was uniquely unlucky with my mother but now see that she seemed typical of her era. Thanks Gransnetters. My mother was a hypercritical narcissist and I went on to marry another! I wonder if that is typical. I could write a very long post about all the awful things she said and did and about my poor old Dad who had a dog's life, but I won't.

It was a great struggle bringing up my children as I didn't really know what to do. I had to learn from scratch how to be a loving mother, or really, just a normal ordinary mother. Happily my children are splendid parents and the gcs naturally all wonderful. The chain can be broken.

accidentally posted too soon. Last sentence:
Apart from your love for your grandchildren and daughter. She needs and is dependent on you. You are not dependent on her.

marfin, you have to do the hardest thing of all. Stand up to your daughter. Tell her how much care you can cope with providing, given your medical condition and then ignore all her rants and shouting and phone blocking.

Remember the ball is in your court. You are paying for her car, car insurance and telephone. As a last resort the continued payment of these could be made conditional on her good behaviour.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coolgran I've never heard that saying about the candles but I love it.

'cowboy armchair psychology'
Nothing seems to have helped has it?!

Jane10 - your cowboy armchair psychology is becoming irksome. I didn't ask for your advice. I've sought the help of more distinguished mental health professionals in the past and am aware of how to deal with my past.

I've just realised that my mother (and my father) has never said she loves me or given me a hug. Just how sad is that?
Thankfully I have very loving DCs, DDIL and DGSs, which really drives home to me the disfunctional relationship with my mother.

I can only speculate on how unhappy your mother must have been to have self medicated to the extent of death due to alcohol related illness. You very clearly simply cannot understand or begin to forgive her for the way she treated you and made you feel. However, she died a long time ago. Don't let her inadequate parenting skills cast too long a shadow over your own life.

I really have no interest in what my mum's issues were. She was an aggressive, violent, un-loving alcoholic. Consumed with her beauty and her need for vodka. It wasn't my job as a child to decipher her problems. Thankfully she died aged 38 from an alcohol related illness and my anxiety started to ease somewhat. To those of you who suggest forgiveness and understanding of our parents foibles, I can only assume that you've never had to endure such horrors and would add that there are other coping mechanisms.

I agree that the Mother of the OP may well be an introvert, but that isn’t the problem!
My own Mother was wonderful, so I consider myself very lucky after all the stories on here.So much unhappiness.

I grew up with a narcistic grandmother and only realised after doing a psychology course in my fifties. I knew nothing about the existence of such people before that. But now I'm fully educated and understand this crippling personality disorder. I now realise why she was like she was and would encourage anyone to study the subject. It was such an eye opener. It can be hereditary which again is quite worrying. It certainly is much more than being an introvert.

I am so sad that so many of you had such a difficult relationship with your mothers. My mother was quite different, although we halve never been a demonstrative family (my DC are th same) but we have always all got on well and know that we are loved. We all hate (and are embarrassed by ) overt demonstrations of affection! However a few years ago I decided that as I now feel obliged to kiss mere acquaintances at social gatherings that I should do th same for family, so I have braced myself and now greet all th C and spouses as well as GC with kisses. They put up with it with a grimace usually! Really, touchy feely hugging and kissing is not the only indicator of affection. However I am not negative or critical - quite the reverse , so there is more going on in the OP than merely being an introvert. That is an excuse!

My mother had a terrible life. From what I understand, she had a hard, poor upbringing. She then married my father, who was a violent, abusive alcoholic. She couldn't leave him as she had nowhere to go and was too ashamed to admit what was going on to her relatives, who lived in another country. She had 7 children and my father gave her money when he felt like it but he put himself first. She struggled to feed and clothe us from day to day. We were never shown any form of affection and it makes me smile these days when people say they tell their children they love them every day. That's wonderful and hopefully these children will feel secure and happy. However,
where in my mother's scenario would cuddling your children and telling them you loved them come in, when you were waiting for the next beating or whatever.? Me and my siblings have suffered through our upbringing and sometimes I have thought my mother should have done more but it was a different time. I love my family more than anything but have always struggled to show affection. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes is a good saying.