Difficult daughter

How old are the children? Maybe if they are still preschool and primary age, she would not find a lot of difference financially if she gave up work?
I think it's time to put your OH and your own well being first or you won't be able to help her even if you want to to.
The three month withdrawal is a good idea and can co incide with your OH's retirement ( tell her that any anyway). She needs to grow up and can't do this if she is treated as if she is unable to be like other women of her age - ie. coping with day to day life management skills. Three months should help her acquire these skills.
Also, I would tell her if the rudeness continues the time scale will reduce. Harsh I know but this situation is well out of hand!

You have the right to say no and it is essential for your own health and state of mind and that of your husband that you take a firmer stand. She will be angry with you for it but she is not considerate as it is and you have to be firm. It is not easy if you are not used to is but what is the alternative? - your husband working until he drops? - you working yourself into an early grave? You will probably fall out with her anyway when you are unable to continue doing it so better to get things sorted now.

I really feel for you. Your health and your grandchildren must come first. How about withdrawing the money you are giving for her bills, and offering to contribute to after school childcare instead? It would be a fraction of what you are paying now, and would take the burden from you, and benefit the gc.

Please stop doing so much for your daughter as you are contributing to her immaturity in facing up to her responsibilities. She is an adult and it's time to face up to hard facts of life. If you don't pay rent you get evicted..if you don't pay energy bills ..you get cut off! These are simple lessons we all have to learn but if our parents are naive enough to keep bailing us out then what incentive is there to learn?
Please, you need to harden up... and force her to take responsibility and realise the importance of bill paying versus manicured nails.
Like the mother bird that forces the chick out their nest, knowing there is a possibility their chick could get hurt but equally knowing it has to be done in order to learn to survive.
It is time to force your daughter to grow up and the lessons she needs to learn in order to pass the necessary life skills on to her children when it is their time to face the adult world.

My daughter has not spoken to me for over ten years since I stopped paying for everything ! I paid off her Uni student loan, her overdraft, her rent, bought her a car, gave her a credit card which I paid for, paid for her holidays and flights over to see us, for her and the boyfriend at the time. After one Uni, she did an unfunded fourth year for a professional qualification, for which I paid. She was a brilliant teenager, and sixth former, she cooked me a hot meal every night when I came in from my full time job ...ironed, cleaned the house, and was so amazing it was unbelivable ! She suddenly cut me off with no further contact when she said she and her then boyfriend would be coming over for a holiday and bringing his children ..two young children ...Fine, lovely I said ...and planned all the things we could do and places to take them ...I was looking forward to it, and texted her to ask for dates so I could pick them up from the airport, etc...only one terse reply 'Stop texting me'...cut me off from all social media, no contact whatever ! Was even told not to send cards as they would go into the bin ! No falling out, no rows, nothing ...theONLY reason I can fatham is that I did not offer to pay for the first time ever, for the hotel at the airport the flights spending money etc ....she has, or had, a really good well paid job ...now the only way I can 'see' her is to look online at the company she now runs with the latest boyfriend ! There is a photo of them as a family on his boat ...have no idea if the child is his or hers or theirs ! SO ...unless you want perhaps to lose your daughter and contact with your GC's ...tread carefully but DO NOT keep bailing her out ...you will need your money for your retirement ! Hard but necessary ! Good luck

Have you checked that your daughter is getting all the help she is entitled to from the state? If she is working and her income is low, she should be getting child tax credits and working tax credits possibly along with other help. She should certainly be getting enough to live on without the little luxuries we all take for granted.
My daughter is living close to the breadline but she has made her bed and must lie in it. I helped her initially by finding out about what she could claim and, when she went through a bad patch thinking she was too good for benefits, I filled in the paperwork for her. Now I help her sometimes with the luxuries, baby-sitting and paying if we go out for a meal because life can be very drab without being made to feel special but I wouldn't feel I was doing her any favours if I cushioned her from real life. I won't be here forever and I want her to be able to think she can cope without me.
The 'cut off' notice from Mum and Dad's bank seems a very good way forward (remain calm in the face of the inevitable storm) and be generous when you can afford to. Keep to the script that you are trying to assist her to be independent which will make her feel better in the long run. Oh, do make sure you and your husband are in full agreement as to the extent of your help because most manipulators love to divide and conquer. Good luck.

This is a horrible situation, and I sympathise. While I think it unlikely in the circumstances that she will withhold contact with the grandchildren, how many people know that in the UK grandparents have NO automatic rights of contact whatsoever with their grandchildren? The adult (?) children therefore call all the shots, and can tell the grandparents, often vulnerable and in imperfect health, what they must give and what to do rather than ask them, as happened to me. This is a situation that needs to be changed - I help to run a local support group for non-contact grandparents, and have links with organisations throughout the UK, notably the Bristol Grandparents Support Group. Earlier this year there was a parliamentary petition, but this was cancelled because of the snap General Election. Anyone who would like more information is welcome to send me a PM.

Her irresponsible behaviour has worked very wel for her so far. Her husband told her and she continued until he left.

Your support is making her worse.

If she is on low income she will get housing benefits and tax credits, why are you paying for things?

She won't grow up and manage her own affairs while you do that.

There are debt orders she can get to sort her finances out.

Let her be the same as other adults who have to struggle, it won't do her any harm.

My daughter was sensible with budgeting until after her third child was born.

Very good advice from eazybee, well worth taking it.

This is an awful situation for you and I think both your daughter and her husband are taking advantage of you, to avoid facing up to the mess they have created. I would stop bothering about the lack of gratitude for the time being and focus on your concerns: your health and your financial position. Decide just what help you are prepared to offer, practically and financially, and for how long; spell it out very firmly to your daughter. (I would be inclined to cut the mobile phone bill and use the money for extra child care.) When she storms off, don't pay or do anything until she contacts you again, then insist that the package comes with two provisos: 1) she goes with you to a debt counselling agency who will sort out a plan for her finances; 2) she pursues her husband for proper maintenance. £50 a week is insulting; they are his children and his responsibility too. And make it very clear that this package is not indefinite.
The good thing is, she is working.

ansixty I agree that parents usually try and help their adult children during difficult times, if they are able to do so. I think this case is rather different from yours in that goodgran's daughter takes all that is given to as if it were a right and is not at all appreciative.

I think goodgran that it is very kind of you to give so much support but unfortunately, because your daughter is now accustomed - and actually feels entitled - to all that you give her, she thinks that such generosity is the norm.

I think, as others have said, you really need to start being a lot firmer.

Yes the 3 month withdrawal is a good plan. We've let her get away with too much for too long both in financial terms and allowing her to disrespect us with little consequence. I feel i want to distance myself as a bit of self protection from the stress and abuse

You can't cushion an adult child from life. Sometimes its good, sometimes not so great, but that's how it is. Having nails done etc isn't exactly essential, and she needs to prioritise. She has no need to, presently, since she doesn't seem to consider your wellbeing. I think a three month gradual withdrawal of so much help seems reasonable, although I realise its hard when its your child. Good luck!

Luckygirl he pays £50 per week.. That's it

glammanana yes we paid her whole rent. We don't now but it's a battle getting it off her. My hubby won't let the direct debit come out of her account for fear it will bounce. So we pay as in theory she pays us back albeit reluctantly. The lack of respect is the big issue. If she wasnt so rude we would be less angry with the whole situation

Has she sorted out proper maintenance etc.?

goodnan Are you paying her full rent for her or just the shortfall that she would have to pay to her private landlord,her housing benefit will be paid to her unless she has asked for it to go direct to the landlord is she paying that and you topping it up?
My DD is on her own and has 2 DCs under 16 and she pays her bills as soon as her child tax credits come in and her wages go into her bank every Friday so she manages with whats left and lives very well as she does all her cooking etc from scratch with out paying through the nose for convienience foods sounds like your DD needs to learn to budget and show some respect.

Never budgeted but no she used to be good with money til she had our third GC. She seemed to change then. I think it was too much for them both but she definitly changed. they both did. Then things just went from bad to worse til he left.

goodgran, may I ask was she always like this with money, not budgeting, no gratitude ?

I've done that mumofmadboys But its the lack of respect for all we've done and continue to do that's killing us as well as the total lack of understanding that she has to pay her own way

Can you say to her you are worried about her dad and he really needs to retire?

Anniebach, She went out with her friends about twice a month but didn't come home til 3or 4 in the morning . Also she was very extravagant and didn't understand that they had to budget. He could be difficult too but ultimately we blame her

It's hard very hard annsixty . But I think it's completely unrealistic to expect that our D and GC will have the same life as before unless you have an endless stash of cash which we haven't .
A roof over their head and food is the most important thing ave they will always have that. But we can't replace his salary and the things he paid for and neither should we
My D brought much of it on herself ave that's sad and frustrating.
And yes Bambam, I'm determined not to let this carry on.
Cherrytree59, no only me whose prepared to help

What did her husband find difficult about her behaviour ?