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Difficult daughter

(85 Posts)
goodgran Sat 21-Oct-17 19:07:35

My daughter can be lovely but also very selfish and difficult. Shes a good mom of 3 lovely kids. Her husband left her 18 months ago having warned her many times that her behavioir was unacceptable.
She's a loving mom but a very difficult person and daughter.
I look after the kids a couple of times a week after school and during the holidays and now her job is changing. Her ex has a new job and can't have the kids in the week as much.
She had told me that she will need me to have the kids more since her job has changed...told not asked.
I have a chronic illness and struggle but want to help. My problem is her lack of respect.

We pay for her gas, electric, car, mobile phone and car insurance since her husband left as she got into terrible financial difficulties. My husband wants to retire but can't see how. We also paid her rent for 9 months and even now we're last on the list for debt, having to constantly remind her when her rent is due as it comes out if our account.

But she's not grateful for any of it and my husband and I are both feeling distressed and upset by her to the point where we feel we don't want to help anymore.
Everytime we try to talk about the way she treats us, it ends up with her storming out and blocking our numbers on her phone. She only unblocks us if she needs us. I feel so depressed all the time . Any advice would be very welcome. Thank you

Bambam Sat 21-Oct-17 19:40:12

This is not right, goodgran. Perhaps you should be Toogoodgran! smile. You should not need to pay for her gas, electric, car, car insurance and mobile phone. She is "taking the Mickey". And being disrespectful to you as well.
You say that she works and has three children, so if she is on a low income she will be entitled to Working Tax Credit. And maybe some Housing Benefit and Counsel Tax Reduction.
She will be getting Child Benefit anyway.
You don't seem happy with this situation so change it.
Tell her that you are giving her, say, three months to get her act together financially as you are not willing to subsidize her any more. If course, she is going to storm out and block your number. Let her! You hold the "trump card" so she will soon be back, when she needs help with child minding.
She will probably threaten you with keeping the Grandchildren from you but I doubt that she would cut off her nose to spite her face.
Tell her that, looking after the children while she works is all that you will be doing in 3 months time.
Btw what on earth is she doing with her money if you are paying most living expenses for her? Does she smoke, drink, but lots of unnecessary clothes, have her hair done all the time, false nails etc? Because it is going somewhere and not in the right things as a Mother of three.
She is being a selfish, rude brat and you need to stop allowing her to be right now .
If she needs financial advice , she will have to go to a Free Debt Advice Agency. And b---dy grow up.
No wonder you are feeling depressed. Sort it! Now!

goodgran Sat 21-Oct-17 19:57:07

Bambam she doesn't earn enough even with benefits for the luxuries like a car but it's essential otherwise it would be me running them around. But yes I do feel she wastes money too on some of the things you've mentioned.
We've decided to cut back on what we pay so the gas and electric are now going to be her responsibility.
Your idea of 3 months notice is a very good one.
But I don't feel I want to help with childcare either when she is so disrespectful. I adore those kids butt something's going to give and I fear its my sanity!

goodgran Sat 21-Oct-17 20:01:26

She doesn't smoke but goes out every other weekend. Yes to hair and nails! Thanks for your advice. I will definitly tell her to seek financial help

phoenix Sat 21-Oct-17 20:11:52

I get the feeling that goodgran is not in the UK, so Bambam your ( good) words about tax credits etc may not apply.

Her husband left her "after warning many times that her behaviour was unacceptable"

You are paying for more of her outgoings than I care to list, and she has TOLD You that you will have to look after the grandchildren more?

Sorry to be blunt, but she sounds like an absolute nightmare, she may be a good mother, as long as other people are prepared to fund her, how good would she be if she actually had to sort it all herself?

Goodgran you say that you pay for her gas, electric, mobile phone and car insurance, sorry, but why on earth are you paying for all of this?

goodgran Sat 21-Oct-17 20:18:29

I am in the UK lol! We paid initially because she wasn't working when he left and didn't pay her anything towards the rent etc just £50 pw for the kids.
Then debts started building up whilst benefits were being sorted so my hubby paid them. It sounds crazy even to me so I can only imagine how it looks. But the disrespect is getting worse so my good will is reducing dramatically. She needs to move house but can't get a council house in this area as they are none available. And is paying a high privately. It's a mess. But I'm determined to pull the money tree from its roots.. .Her Dad!

Bambam Sat 21-Oct-17 20:45:36

She's having a laugh! So you paid for everything while benefits came through.
I hope you realize that she will have been back-paid from the day that she claimed.
She would have probably received (at a guess, with housing benefit and income support) a couple of thousand.
You seem determined to sort this out and you will feel better for doing it.
If you can be bothered, let us know how its going.

Cherrytree59 Sat 21-Oct-17 20:54:34

Your DD's ex should be paying child maintenance and ensuring that his children have a roof over their heads.

If her Ex has a new job and therefore can no longer have the children during the week then he should also be making other arrangements re child care.
Are there other grandparents in the equation that are able to help with child care?.

Perhaps writing a letter to your DD
Saying that you love both her and your DGC dearly
You will continue to help with child care but can not provide any additional over and above (except in an emergency of course)
Say you are willing to sit down with her and help work a family budget out.

annsixty Sat 21-Oct-17 20:56:11

I can only say that all of you who are so critical have never experienced a D left and her life disrupted and her left devastated.
I have and we are doing all we can, fortunately our D is very grateful and full of thanks for all we do.
We do not want our GC to go without the life they had before their father left.

Christinefrance Sat 21-Oct-17 20:59:09

I agree with Bambam your daughter needs to start taking responsibility for herself and her children, you are enabling her to avoid this. For your own health and well being you need to reduce the help you are giving her. The three month idea is a good one and you must be strong and stick to the plan.
I hope you can work through this, look after yourself.

Anniebach Sat 21-Oct-17 21:11:25

What did her husband find difficult about her behaviour ?

goodgran Sat 21-Oct-17 21:12:23

It's hard very hard annsixty . But I think it's completely unrealistic to expect that our D and GC will have the same life as before unless you have an endless stash of cash which we haven't .
A roof over their head and food is the most important thing ave they will always have that. But we can't replace his salary and the things he paid for and neither should we
My D brought much of it on herself ave that's sad and frustrating.
And yes Bambam, I'm determined not to let this carry on.
Cherrytree59, no only me whose prepared to help

goodgran Sat 21-Oct-17 21:16:07

Anniebach, She went out with her friends about twice a month but didn't come home til 3or 4 in the morning . Also she was very extravagant and didn't understand that they had to budget. He could be difficult too but ultimately we blame her

mumofmadboys Sat 21-Oct-17 21:42:19

Can you say to her you are worried about her dad and he really needs to retire?

goodgran Sat 21-Oct-17 21:51:30

I've done that mumofmadboys But its the lack of respect for all we've done and continue to do that's killing us as well as the total lack of understanding that she has to pay her own way

Anniebach Sat 21-Oct-17 21:56:38

goodgran, may I ask was she always like this with money, not budgeting, no gratitude ?

goodgran Sat 21-Oct-17 22:02:29

Never budgeted but no she used to be good with money til she had our third GC. She seemed to change then. I think it was too much for them both but she definitly changed. they both did. Then things just went from bad to worse til he left.

glammanana Sat 21-Oct-17 22:08:39

goodnan Are you paying her full rent for her or just the shortfall that she would have to pay to her private landlord,her housing benefit will be paid to her unless she has asked for it to go direct to the landlord is she paying that and you topping it up?
My DD is on her own and has 2 DCs under 16 and she pays her bills as soon as her child tax credits come in and her wages go into her bank every Friday so she manages with whats left and lives very well as she does all her cooking etc from scratch with out paying through the nose for convienience foods sounds like your DD needs to learn to budget and show some respect.

Luckygirl Sat 21-Oct-17 22:20:46

Has she sorted out proper maintenance etc.?

goodgran Sat 21-Oct-17 22:25:06

glammanana yes we paid her whole rent. We don't now but it's a battle getting it off her. My hubby won't let the direct debit come out of her account for fear it will bounce. So we pay as in theory she pays us back albeit reluctantly. The lack of respect is the big issue. If she wasnt so rude we would be less angry with the whole situation

goodgran Sat 21-Oct-17 22:27:19

Luckygirl he pays £50 per week.. That's it

MissAdventure Sat 21-Oct-17 22:33:00

You can't cushion an adult child from life. Sometimes its good, sometimes not so great, but that's how it is. Having nails done etc isn't exactly essential, and she needs to prioritise. She has no need to, presently, since she doesn't seem to consider your wellbeing. I think a three month gradual withdrawal of so much help seems reasonable, although I realise its hard when its your child. Good luck!

goodgran Sat 21-Oct-17 22:40:26

Yes the 3 month withdrawal is a good plan. We've let her get away with too much for too long both in financial terms and allowing her to disrespect us with little consequence. I feel i want to distance myself as a bit of self protection from the stress and abuse

Eloethan Sun 22-Oct-17 00:41:32

ansixty I agree that parents usually try and help their adult children during difficult times, if they are able to do so. I think this case is rather different from yours in that goodgran's daughter takes all that is given to as if it were a right and is not at all appreciative.

I think goodgran that it is very kind of you to give so much support but unfortunately, because your daughter is now accustomed - and actually feels entitled - to all that you give her, she thinks that such generosity is the norm.

I think, as others have said, you really need to start being a lot firmer.

eazybee Sun 22-Oct-17 10:13:33

This is an awful situation for you and I think both your daughter and her husband are taking advantage of you, to avoid facing up to the mess they have created. I would stop bothering about the lack of gratitude for the time being and focus on your concerns: your health and your financial position. Decide just what help you are prepared to offer, practically and financially, and for how long; spell it out very firmly to your daughter. (I would be inclined to cut the mobile phone bill and use the money for extra child care.) When she storms off, don't pay or do anything until she contacts you again, then insist that the package comes with two provisos: 1) she goes with you to a debt counselling agency who will sort out a plan for her finances; 2) she pursues her husband for proper maintenance. £50 a week is insulting; they are his children and his responsibility too. And make it very clear that this package is not indefinite.
The good thing is, she is working.