How would you get past this...?

I gather it's either a SIL of DIL from your post, I think it would be best to be the bigger person not for you but for the sake of an DGC involved. Do you want a rift for that child to witness.
It will be hard and you may never find out what or if you have ever done anything wrong, sometimes even a tone of word or look on someone's face can upset someone.
It happened in a similar way with our DIL (she never sent a letter) but stopped speaking or visiting for 9 months. We asked our DS if or what we had done wrong even he didn't know. So we both ignored this, DS brought the DGC'n to visit or spoke to them on the phone. Then all of a sudden she came to our home as though nothing had happened. Back to normal but I will keep this slight in the back of my mind.

No money involved in this relationship. It's not 'they' - it's one person, an inlaw.

Absolutely Bagatelle! (I may have missed references to demands for money?)

I'm all for healing rifts but just don't lend them any money.

By pulling up the draw-bridge you will close off any possibility of anything ever being healed and you will never get to the bottom of whatever was going on. And something clearly was going on - was somebody having a breakdown for example? People can say and do strange things in such extraordinary circumstances.

Somewhere along the line you might wish to broach it in a spirit of 'help me to understand' (the previous episode) - and you can still let them know how painful it was for you.

As you say, your post is somewhat cryptic, but it sounds to me as though it is a situation where you may have to be the 'bigger' person for the good of the greater number and show grace.
Good luck.

Anyas advice makes absolute sense. Politely make them take responsibility for their behaviour, depending on the conversation make your decision. Good luck

Not a chance that this "friendship" will ever recover let alone survive beyond this kind of verbal communication! Even if you did decide to let bygones be bygones and accept their latest invite, you would both be "walking on eggshells" throughout the event - it would be excruciating for you both to have subject yourselves to. People like this have very short memories and can "switch it on" then "switch it off" without one thought of the emotional mayhem they cause to other people. Be polite and decline any future invites gracefully - and from this point forward put as much distance as possible between you and this couple!

I do see my DGC. That is facilitated by another family member. It's been difficult but it's been achieved.

What a difficult situation. So I'm assuming you haven't seen your DGC in 18months either? That's awful. I do hope you find the strength to sort this out. Your son or daughter needs to step up to the plate too to sort tjis out

Good luck.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. A lot of food for thought and I will consider the options over the coming days.

It is good to have unbiased opinions. Your posts have reassured us that the behaviour exhibited by this 'inlaw' is unacceptable - we knew this of course, but reading all your advice has helped enormously.

The child involved is a DGC and we have done our best to give their welfare our priority, hence not having a knee-jerk reaction to the insults. We have a vested interest in keeping the situation as neutral as possible.

At the moment I think a brief email/letter starting with the 'line in the sand' (as advised further down the thread - thanks) is a distinct possibility but I will re-read everyones post again before I commit to anything.

Interesting isn't it that people with low self esteem can exhibit bullying behaviour towards those who appear 'vulnerable' but when their bullying tactics don't work, they become the 'victim.'

Apologies for remaining cryptic and not answering a couple of questions I've been asked on this thread, but need to remain as anonymous as possible.

Thanks again everyone.

Have you asked your involved relative, the child's parent - your son/daughter/niece/nephew? Can they throw light on the olive branch and apparent reconciation?

Agree with others in that maybe they have recently discovered you were innocent of all their charges. Still would not want anything to do with them as they haven't had the good grace or manners to apologise. I would write them a shortish note sticking to the facts (not feelings) and say you no longer think it appropriate to accept any invitations from them. They may still think you did whatever it was but have just got over their anger so you do need to state your side of the whole sorry affair.

Agree with others in that maybe they have recently discovered you were innocent of all their charges. Still would not want anything to do with them as they haven't had the good grace or manners to apologise. I would write them a shortish note sticking to the facts (not feelings) and say you no longer think it appropriate to accept any invitations from them. They may still think you did whatever it was but have just got over their anger so you do need to state your side of the whole sorry affair.

Firstly, I have to say what a terrible thing to happen, and well done on being the bigger person by not responding. BUT, I could not let this just pass, you don't know who else they have told about these imaginery dreadful things you were wrongly accused of, others could be thinking you are guilty as charged. I think the straight to the point letters which some GN members have suggested are the way forward, can you imagine just how awful the atmosphere will be at this dinner? I had a similar situation, with the Mother of DD's best friend, she made terrible, vile, untrue allegations about my DH. I am afraid that I did tackle her at the time, and terrible things were said which I won't go into here. Some years later I heard through her DD that she wanted to be friends again and 'put all the unpleasantness behind us', I am unable to do so without an apology for the potential destruction of DH good name and the sobbing of my DD and hers as she ranted on. The fact that she has since had d diagnosis of MH issues does not I am afraid, help for me. People need to learn the effect of what they write, say or do, it is not ok to just let it lie for a couple of years, as your relatives have, and assume it is forgotten. If it was cruel then, it is still cruel now.

Have made 3 attempts to post but Internet dropping out and post disappears. Will be back later. Thanks so much for all your helpful and insightful replies.

So weird isn’t it that some people’s mentality is that they be unkind and accuse you of things, instead of having the common sense to just talk to you calmly in the 1st place, if they feel that you have upset them. Always 2 sides to every story and not everyone is capable of empathy. So now they expect you to just respond to an invite and attend and pretend that all is well ? Well done to you if you are capable of doing that, but is there going to be an elephant in the room ? I personally would have to write a short note, thank them for the invite and say you would like to draw a line in the sand etc however I would have to say just how confused you had been about the allegations in the 1st place. Good luck with this......

Personally, I would politely decline invitations from these people and move on without them. Life's too short for this kind of stress. I had a similar problem with cousins and put a stop to any potential argy bargy by just not contacting them.

If it were me I would want the air to be cleared before I went - either by a phone call or by a letter such as Luckygirl's. I wouldn't want to go to a birthday celebration not knowing what the atmosphere would be like - I wouldn't want to encounter an elephant in the room.
Life is too short for grudges but it's also too short for enduring uncomfortable situations unless you have to.
Good luck.

just popped in to say overwhelmed by all the response. Have been rushing about all day and have to go out again. Will check back later and read them all thoroughly.

Thank God for Gransnetters!

I would do what nanabilly suggested face it head on,as you said you did not do what you were accused of, so just because time has passed hold your head up and request an explanation if you don’t what’s to stop them behaving like that towards you again.

I think Luckygirl's suggested response is right. If it works. Keep the letter you receive in reply.

Personally, if a family member had written me a letter like that you describe. I would not want to be in their company again unless they explained and apologised, in writing, for what they had said. You do not know to who else they may have made these accusations about you.

For the time being I would find a reason to refuse invitations coming directly from them, but attend other family events even if they are present. It may be that they were hoping the letter would make you decide to avoid all family events where they were present so that you could be seen as having cut yourself off from the rest of the family. By declining all the culprits invites but accepting all others you remain part of the wider family while limiting your contact with the perpetrator.

This sort of behaviour is reminiscent of Borderline Personality Disorder: blow hot/blow cold, you will always be walking on eggshells and the person will never take responsibility for their behaviour. As you have a small child in common, you may not want to cut off completely because there might be reverberations, but limit your contact to a minimum.

I can imagine how you feel, and I feel for you. Personally I would contact them or go to dinner, possibly somewhere on neutral ground. Just to find out what is going on! they may have been given wrong information and want to apologise? But I wouldn't want anything to do with them other than that.

Dear Fairydoll
I would like to send you a PM rather than post on a public forum -please would you accept PMs?

Many years ago I had a similar event and I have no contact with that person. I wish I had kept the letter that was sent and caused so much upset.