How would you get past this...?

I'm in a similar position. A friend of 30 years standing accused me of cancelling an order they made for a chair so we no longer speak. His logic was that he didn't make the call so I must have done because I was the only other person who knew!

I didn't give a monkey's about his chair and he only found out that it had been cancelled when he phoned up to cancel it! In his 80's, he probably cancelled it himself and forgot! Either way, we've gone our separate ways and I'm quite happy about it!

Is there no one in the family you could ask for an opinion? Who else will be at the birthday meal that you are on good terms with?
Maybe they have discovered they were wrong, misinformed, two years ago. It all sounds very odd.

I wonder if you still have their letter and if so could you photo copy it and return it with a letter of your own saying how hurt you had been and ask why had they made these awful accusations.
You didn't react or respond at the time which is commendable. What could be the reason for this change of heart. What is now "in it for them" to get back together with you - must admit I am suspicious.
As others have said though, maybe the original letter came from one person only and others were unaware of it being sent. But I have to say, I still wouldn't go near them.

No I wouldn't do anything just ignore it, unless of course you get an apology from them and if you still want to see them.
Disgraceful behaviour.

Fairydoll2030
Nearly two years have lapsed since you were served with what appears to be unsubstantiated allegations. Then out of the blue you get party invitations from your accusers ?Is there a relative you can trust, who knows your accusers and can assist you in what they think you should do.
To be in the company of those who have upset you is something I could not contemplate doing.The atmosphere I would imagine could be cut with a knife.

Think of the young person you all have an interest in

This is their olive branch to you- probably as close to an apology as you will ever get- please accept it and act as normally as you can with them. Don't bring up or discuss their odd behaviour, just go and enjoy yourselves. Good luck

How awful for you. Lots of thoughts in other replies, hope that they help.

Not quite similar, but a year or so ago, a work acquaintance was very upset when SHE wrote to and about her much loved daughter on Facebook, without privacy controls set up, about their silly quarrel and was astounded when her daughter was upset about the post. My acquaintance didn’t seem to think through her written complaints to and about her daughter (who she adores) and couldn’t understand why her daughter and others were upset. Whereas I could see EXACTLY why everyone was upset by what she had posted!

Hope it is all resolved, but whatever happens, please don’t let your feelings be hurt by someone who may be thoughtless, careless or possibly slightly unbalanced. ?

Been there, done that, got all of the tee Shirts! l admit that my relatives did have a legitimate grievance against my husband but it was something that had nothing to do with me and I stuck up for them and defended them against my husband. Unfortunately it meant a complete blackout and I had no contact for years with them or their children. It took the death of my husband and the intervention of another family member before bridges were built and they have since relaxed their attitude to me and indeed I am first on their list when they need something but I’m afraid things will never be the same between us until I get an apology for the vile rants they made against me. Until then, I am civil and accommodating but still very hurt by their actions to me in the past

OP you say the in law condemnation ran a bus through an important family relationship but you don't say anything about the son or daughter's part in this. Years ago now, the partner of one of my children caused enormous trouble in our relationship with our adult child but she did it partly because of what had been said to her (AC was in counselling) and partly because she was herself very disturbed and had grown up in what would be called a dysfunctional family. I think she enjoyed the fact that what she said and did caused trouble because it isolated our AC from the rest of the family.

So I would concur with those who question the mental health of the person who wrote to you and I'd agree that probably the invitations to dinner are an attempt to make amends. I can't imagine meeting face to face before some attempt has been made to clarify what was going on so I'd agree with those who suggest writing in some way to express your surprise and hurt feelings at the turn of events and to ask for some explanation while also, perhaps, offering olive branches.

If you just accept without any qualification or explanation then you risk things bubbling away under the surface only to recur at a later date.

I imagine you gave limited information for reasons of security, not surprised, but reading your post leaves me wondering what the rest of the story is. One only has to read the estranged thread to know how tangled family relationships can get. All the very best in dealing with this

Some people seem to see life as a sort of balance sheet. If they are nasty one day and nice the next, it all balances out so far as they are concerned. If you point out the nastiness they will say 'but what about ...' In their mind you are being unreasonable for bring that up when the latest thing they did was nice.
As others have said, you have to consider the overall impact of any response or lack of response. If there is anyone in the middle who is being affected then it might be better just to rise above it and see how it goes. Otherwise, it is generally better not to have negative or toxic people in your life and if you have nothing to gain by letting them back in your life I wouldn't do it. It is a mistake that I have made and regretted.

I think you need to follow your gut instinct here and do what you feel is right for you. They may have realised their error and are too proud or arrogant to apologise to you properly. You can never unsay or unwrite things that you have done to people, so surely they ar"nt so thick skinned to think that these random invitations will wave a magic wand over it all as if nothing happened. While I would not encourage bearing a grudge against them, I would tread carefully here. Is there another family member you can approach who might be able to shed a bit more light on this situation.

Could the original be an accident meant for someone else - worth considering?

Perhaps the perceived problems have been explained away by another member of the family and they are too embarrassed to apologise?

Try to have the grace to forgive and make a new start with a clean sheet. Everyone would be happier if you could.

20 years ago i was in pretty similar situation myself with my sister sending me a drunken email rant accusing me of mad things from 50 years ago etc even what we did as children... the shock was enormous / hurtful/ stunning and out of the blue... her explanation she'd pressed the wrong button didn't stop the hurt that she thought and had written down these things...and we corresponded and phoned about it for a while but got nowhere ... I couldn't get over she THOUGHT these things... so i decided to pull back and not see her again unless at family event... i send christmas and birthday cards ... and see her at weddings and funerals where we are civil but don't sit together or exchange news ... just civil .. i don't like the fact i'm no longer in touch with her children .. i miss them growing up ... and i used to be fed up that the wider family didn't know "my"side of the fall out ... i kept my mouth shut and just said... we'd had a falling out... but time has made the split softer and actually ... i no longer care what she thought... nor anything about it now ... it's of no consequence in the grand order of things...
my only dilemma is do i invite her to our 60th wedding anniversary celebrations next summer... emmmm

I like Lucky girls idea ... at least that would clear the air and make her acknowledge her role in all this.

As they are opening up a channel of communication I would write asking for an explanation of their earlier accusations. Just a single sentence from you is enough.
It may not have been meant for you.

Nanabilly I think I would do what you suggested but the vague information makes it difficult to say for sure.
Fairydoll2030 I'd be concerned about the mental health of the person who sent the letter so maybe a conversation with his or her closest family member might be a first call?

Perhaps you could check who is sending the invitation and if the person who accused you knows about it.

If yes, it is possible that the original letter was written when the person was having some sort of breakdown, or Alzheimers, and got confused, perhaps even meaning it for someone else. Would you know if they have Alzheimers?

Life is too short to bear grudges, it would surely be better for all the other family members and the child in whom you have an interest, if you were all on speaking terms. If it were me I would go, and be civil, and test the water to see if there is any clue as to what caused the person to lash out at you. Maybe there will be an opportunity then, or on a future occasion to have it out, when it is just yourselves and that person present. Obviously the remarks were unforgiveable, but it would help to know what precipitated them.

Well you have in writing what they thought of you but it seems a bit late to ask for an explanation, obviously you could try if you really want to. We had a similar situation with a slightly more distant relation who upset our DC. We tried a reconciliation after a while as we couldn't believe what had happened but sadly this just bought more problems and we are now estranged. Its a horrible feeling but some people do seem to feel a need to do this. On the charitable side are there any age/mental health problems?

I agree with Imperfect and Luckygirl a letter is the way forward as you need to understand why they said what they did. I would find it difficult to go to their home with this issue unresolved,

You could try and write a very non-confrontational reply that acknowledges what has gone before but tells them that you are prepared to forgive them and move on........

"Thank you for your invitation. I am sure you will remember the letter you sent on xxxx date - we did not reply to it at the time as we were so shocked that you could think such things about us. It is kind of you to invite us to xxxx and we would be happy to come, but, before we accept, we need to be sure that you now understand that you were mistaken about these things that you thought we had done." blah, blah,blah - short and to the point.

Just an idea.

I think I would give them one more chance. They have made contact twice. No apology, it is true, but perhaps they realise they were in the wrong. I have a friend who was in a similar situation and who thought the relationship with the in laws was past repair but did accept renewal of contact and now has an amicable relationship even if not best buddies.

I think Nanabilly’s suggestion is the correct one. How you go about that challenge however is important.

If it was me I would ask them to come to my house for a coffee/cup of tea and then tell them how confused you are and ask them, politely, what is going on. This at least will resolve the situation in a ‘kill or cure’ sort of way but at least you’ll have a chance to talk.

I would be very chary of going to their house, their home turf, without further investgtion as to the welcome you'll receive. They may well have realised the error of the accusation and being trying to put it behind them and move on. But just as easily you could find yourself cornered by someone trying to justify themselves.

What do the joint offspring think? I assume they'll be there, can the first meeting not be at their house?

I will not offer advice Fairydoll but you must do what you feel is right for yourself. Similar happened to me with an in law. On the latest occasion I was threatened with the police and never to see the involved children again for no obvious reason except that she was angry with one of my family members. I was distraught for two days and then she contacted me with a request about the children as if nothing had happened. When I met her everything was normal. It seems to me that there are some people on this earth who do not seem to understand how their outbursts can affect others who do not act that way. I honestly believe that confronting her would make the situation infinitely worse and would not change her behaviour at all.

Call me a coward but I ignore the incidents now for the sake of the children and I try to accept that that is 'just the way she is'. I have found out that she has been the same with family and friends all her life.

Life is too short and I no longer waste emotional energy on worrying about it. I hope that you find some way of moving forward.

I'm not sure I would be brave enough to do it but my thoughts also were that if it would be useful to maintain this relationship a conversation is needed before accepting any invitations. It doesn't have to be confrontational. Maybe suggest a coffee locally 'to catch up' and explain you were hurt and need to understand. You can then decide if you can put it behind you. Think about the future with and without this person and decide how much contact matters. I hope you can get some peace of mind.