Christmas and MIL in general

I had a similar situation with my husband's sister. We with my husbands brother's family use to arrange big 2 day Christmas event including lots of extended family. His sister use to contribute nothing and only let us know when she would be appearing via MIL. When she arrived MIL was very excited as if she was the star guest. Grrrrrr! But in later years I did see an insight to what had happened in the past.

I know it is common behavior in a rejected least favoured child to put the most effort into trying to get the love of a parent so maybe this works the other way with the parent. Your MIL trying to get the love of her son. I agree with others when they say parents like to treat their children equally. Another thought, does your SIL try to stop her husband seeing his parents, that happens a lot.

Finally you have done the best you can, let it be. Enjoy your Christmas and maybe invite some friends over.

Speaking as a step mother (to four grown up children who have children and live locally) I remember being quite upset that after many years of going for Christmas Day to one stepdaughter's house for Christmas dinner, that she suddenly said she had no room for us. This hurt at the time. There was no further explanation. I did wonder what we had done wrong. I then discovered there was a large dog in a crate taking up all the room which belonged to her son and his girlfriend. If only someone had bothered to explain I would have completely understood. I also feel hurt when the the other real Grandmas are invited to events by this daughter's children, like teas or hen parties but I am not. I have just grown to accept the situation. I suggest you put on a brave face and accept the situation, but still be pleasant.

I feel I just need to say how lovely it was of you to send a box of treats to your MIL with the sex of your new baby as a surprise at the bottom of them.

my parents who had spent every Christmas day with us for more than 2 decades suddenly decided they didn't want to go anywhere ,just be at home on their own.They lived only a few minutes from us so I delivered their christmas dinner to them along with their presents and we did that until Dad died a few years later .They just found a house full of other people too much ,that may be whats happened with your PIL .

pixie please, please be patient with your MIL. It sounds to me like your DH is the "good" son and is brother the more difficult to deal with BUT I expect your MIL loves them both equally and is trying to walk the tightrope between maintaining a relationship with them both. The question of Christmas has always been a problem in some families and maybe your BIL doesn't necessarily want his mother with him but also does not want her with you either. I know this sounds wierd but that's families for you. The suggestion of having a Christmas celebration together at another time is just the sort of thing I would suggest. Please don't take it as a personal slight it's just us MILs trying to keep our families united. Good luck.

Gosh what a dilemma...and what to do? It appears that she knows that she has your love and affection but is possibly uncertain about her other son and his wife. She may be on eggshells with them, not wanting to annoy them and end up NC. She may long for them to be on the same footing as you.
But I think you should think about what you want and stop thinking about BIL and his behaviour and even your MIL.
Wouldn't it be nice to be alone with your family for Christmas, less work etc? Most parents posting on Mumsnet want to be alone.
Stop asking them and wait for your PIL to make the next move. Play a little hard to get.
If your MIL susquently turns up, having ultimately been rejected by your BIL, you can then be calculating and mean..as in, Oh, now we are good enough are we!! Or you can be kind and just welcome her back and be your nice self.
I do think that you are maybe relying on others for your happiness. Maybe you should be a bit more ruthless and selfish?
It's likely that you haven't done anything to your MIL ...you have just been reliable and consistent. She maybe is taking you for granted.

Sorry to read about your predicament PixieKitty, it must be very hurtful not knowing what ' crime' it seems you must have committed, but unless you do confront her you will never know, perhaps you are (understandably ) being too sensitive, so I would say go & see her & ask her why she has seemingly changed otherwise you will be mentally torturing yourself for everymore . Second guessing will just wear you down , good luck

Thank you lemon grove. They are both late 60s. I want to know why so much, but you are so right really, that I don’t need to know (and sometimes knowing doesn’t always help) but be accepting of it. Because me, my husband and my PIL know each other so incredibly well despite the distance and know everything about what we have going on, and we are always the shoulder for my MIL when things inevitably go wrong with her other son or indeed any issues in her life, I think that’s why I’ve come here for advice, the change in her concerns me and I wonder if we are at fault somehow...

On reflection, perhaps because my parents are not around, being turned down by PIL at Christmas has affected me by feeling like a rejection which I have taken personally and I need to take stock of that.

I just hope my husband hasn’t had enough, he recently likened how much we do for them as paying £300 for a product and his brother paying £100 for the same thing so why do quite so much. A bit like your situation Diva. Perhaps backing off a little won’t leave us quite so disappointed? It’s hard to get things right for everyone.

Hard to find reasons for the change, and you may never really know, but it’s about how you deal with the new situation.
In your place I would still issue the invitations, but accept it if they say ‘no thanks’.You don’t say how old they are (PIL)
But they want a quiet Christmas, then let them.Explain to the DGC that older people often need a bit of quiet (!)
I wouldn’t question them about the situation, but stay friendly and maybe back off a bit about them visiting.
We can never truly know what another person thinks or why, and tbh sometimes better not to know.

Yes Nonnie I suspect it does hurt that they can’t spend time with the other DS, it’s a shame we are automatically therefore punished by default ?

Squiffy perhaps you are right, she often clings onto the fact they might invite her and will often travel for 150 miles even if they tell her she can only stay for one night to babysit.

Diva with attitude, perhaps you are right, and I am being over sensitive, she is acting out of character lately and perhaps she has something else going on that we don’t know about.

I forgot to add that this Christmas is my youngest’s first one and she declared over and over that she would not miss it for the world earlier in the year. So I think the sudden no has come as a real shock.

Thanks for your quick replies already. I do not write this with the intention of MIL bashing, Nonnie, as I’m very fond of mine and love her deeply, which I had hoped had come across in the initial part of the message. It’s hard to explain in just one message what has happened over the past ten years with the other family and we definitely do not compete, however we feel sad she is drawn to them despite their poor treatment of her.

Nonnie, on a bit of a tangent, how badly would someone have to treat you for you to want to spend less time with them? Just because you are blood it does not give you the right to emotionally abuse someone for many years (just putting that out there).

I am wearing my heart on my sleeve so try not to be unkind. I want to have that happy relationship we had not too long ago. Best wishes.

My father is the same, he has to treat both my brother and I the same even though we run around him, do everything for him, take him on holiday. He sees my brother once a year if hes lucky. He says its what my mum would have wanted as my brother was her baby, hes 57 now!

In essence, it sounds to me like she is keen to retain a relationship with her other son and I wonder if you might be being just a little over sensitive over some of the perceived slights that you have mentioned?

Is she perhaps opting out of coming to you for Christmas because she is hoping for a last-minute invitation from your BiL and Sil? She may be clinging to the fact that, if they know that your MiL and FiL will be on their own, then they'll invite them to theirs??

Do you love your children equally, even when they behave badly? Your MiL is hardwired to love her children no matter what they do and will love both sons. Love is not something you can buy by being kind, thoughtful, loving etc. Parents love their children regardless.

Recently a GN posted that her DS had committed a crime but she still loved him.

Please do not be competitive with the other family.

We see a lot of MiL bashing on here, I hope this is not going to turn into yet another one.

All you can do is to show kindness and love towards them and let them make their own decisions. Maybe it hurts to spend Christmas with you knowing that they cannot do the same with the other family? I expect they don't like discussing the situation with the DS which you have nothing to do with.

Happy Christmas