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Should I let him have the ring?

(127 Posts)
joopster Wed 08-Nov-17 15:42:17

My son wants to pop the question to his girlfriend of 8 months. I think he is a bit young - 25 - but he's in love and we've all been there. I've only met her three times but I found her very...aloof. She didn't say anything I can put my finger on but I got the distinct impression she thought she was 'above' us. I can only hope they need a long engagement so that everyone can get to know each other better (or dare I say it hope that my son might change his mind - said it now!)
Anyway, my beloved mum left me her ring when she passed away years ago and it was always a family joke that one day my son might like to use it as an engagement ring. Of course at the time he snorted and said he'd never get married but now he's come asking for the ring and I don't know what to say? I can't bear the thought of this young woman wearing it. I don't think my mum would have wanted her to... What do I say? For now, I've said I have it stored away for safekeeping but will try look for it. Of course I know exactly where it is. blush

suzied Wed 08-Nov-17 15:53:09

I think you should give it to him with the proviso that if they ever split up
you would want it back as it is a family piece. I don’t know how you could make that stick though.

suzied Wed 08-Nov-17 15:54:08

And you always may change your mind about her.

Smithy Wed 08-Nov-17 16:01:21

Has you thought though - the girlfriend may not want that ring. Could well be she will prefer to choose a new (possibly expensive ring).

gillybob Wed 08-Nov-17 16:02:38

This is a tough one joopster hmm

I am currently wearing my late mums engagement ring (I never had one of my own) but I feel that I am only borrowing it for now and that one day it will go to my daughter and then granddaughter etc. It isn't hugely valuable (other than sentimentally) but I really wouldn't want to risk it leaving the family so I would have been very reluctant to give it to my son to give to my DDiL (at the time they got engaged) even though I now love her very much indeed.

So I guess my answer to your question would be no, I wouldn't give it to your son, if I were you.

If its about the money and your son not being able to afford to buy a ring himself are you in the position to help out a little bit via a loan? not that you should feel obliged to in any way.

Sorry not a lot of help I'm afraid.

kittylester Wed 08-Nov-17 16:04:49

I'm a bit worried that you've 'taken against' the girl after just 3 meetings and think your son is too young at 25.

He obviously thinks she's the bees knees and she could have been terrified of meeting you.

I should let him have the ring, welcome her as his 'intended' and try to be happy for him.

There are too many threads on here where mothers and daughters in law don't get on so please try your best to accept her.

kittylester Wed 08-Nov-17 16:06:50

Smithy makes a very valid point. Talk to your son about whether she really would like an old ring.

Teetime Wed 08-Nov-17 16:13:16

I agree I would have thought a modern miss would want to choose her own ring and have a new one.

M0nica Wed 08-Nov-17 16:16:09

I gave DS a family ring for his fiancee, now wife. It was left on the dressing table in their house prior to going to the jewellers to have the shank adjusted to fit. They had a break-in, the ring went and they now have a beautiful antique chair that they bought with the proceeds. Now DDiL admitted she was not a great ring person and the chair they chose together. I love the chair, it is remarkable, distinctive.

lemongrove Wed 08-Nov-17 16:17:30

I wouldn’t have wanted my husband to be to have given me his Grandma’s ring!
We went out and chose one together.
So, suggest to your son that he does the same, then keep and wear the ring yourself, or, if they do marry and have a little girl, give it to her when she grows up, leave it in your

paddyann Wed 08-Nov-17 16:24:05

at 25 I'm sure he can make his own mind up about who and when he marries and 8 months isn't that short a time.We got engaged after 4 months ,married 1 year exactly to the day we met and have been together 43 years...when we married I was 21 and my OH was 20 ...just ,we married 4 weeks after his 20th birthday .As for the ring,he may not have realised you were joking about giving him it for his intended wife .Maybe you should tell him now that it WAS a joke.Please dont start your relationship with your future DIL by being hyper critical ..she's your son and YOU raised him so she cant be that bad surely?

paddyann Wed 08-Nov-17 16:24:37

she's your sons CHOICE

BlueBelle Wed 08-Nov-17 16:32:06

Gosh poor girl she doesn’t stand a chance
Certainly don’t give something begrudgingly keep the ring and let him buy his own
I don’t understand the ‘ I think he’s a bit young’ he’s 25 he could have been married years and none of our business what age our adult children get married
For the sake of your son I d give the girl a bit more of a chance and reserve your judgement of her

Welshwife Wed 08-Nov-17 16:44:20

I would guess that the ring is yellow gold and the fashion nowadays is for 'white gold' - yellow gold plated with Rhodium/ platinum. I agree with those who say it is likely she would like a modern ring and maybe choose it herself.
If things go as he hopes and they marry and are blissfully happy you may by then have changed your mind and you could always give it to her yourself at a later date.

joopster Wed 08-Nov-17 17:02:50

Well, I think perhaps you need to have been there before you judge me for having 'taken against her'. hmm
Of course it's my son's choice in wife but I'm entitled to my opinion on the matter. Of course I'd never let on to him and have been wholly positive about his plans. You're right in that she might not want the ring though. I'll offer to help him out finding something more suitable though suspect that might mean a hefty loan. I hope you're right Welshwife. Fingers crossed time will tell.

Ilovecheese Wed 08-Nov-17 17:03:55

I agree with lemongrove, paddyann and especially Bluebelle
Poor girl, shy people often come across as aloof.
25 is not young.

Baggs Wed 08-Nov-17 17:10:18

He'll be able to tell that you don't like take to her and so will she. Maybe she has noticed already and that's what made her seem aloof.

Bibbity Wed 08-Nov-17 17:22:10

I wouldn't only only cause once many tried the ring isn't hers. In every sense including legally.
So she will never be obligated to return it.

Luckygirl Wed 08-Nov-17 17:25:52

My OH was 22 and I was 21 when we married. I don't really see 25 as young to get engaged.

If I had taken a dislike to one of my SILs after 3 meetings, it would have been because he appeared completely dumb - as in unable to speak. I would have been proved wrong!

You cannot give the ring with the proviso that if they split up it comes back to the family - a gift is a gift - and it is a somewhat negative start!

I do not know what you should do about the ring - but I think you should give this lass a bit of a chance. I know that no girl is ever good enough for sons! I did not have this problem as I produced a clutch of girls.

kittylester Wed 08-Nov-17 17:30:26

I'd just like to refer you all to my post! grin

Jalima1108 Wed 08-Nov-17 17:37:48

I know that no girl is ever good enough for sons!
Oh - some are!!

There is no reason at all to feel sorry for a member of the Royal Family, but I do think that Kate Middleton should have been given a new ring, not her MIL's.

Nelliemoser Wed 08-Nov-17 17:44:21

Tell the pair of them to wait a bit before they jump into a marriage and see how the relationship is after a year or so. ring or no ring , eight months is too short to really get to know the some one you want to spend your life with .

Jalima1108 Wed 08-Nov-17 17:46:36

That depends ....

BlueBelle Wed 08-Nov-17 17:51:24

No ones business but theirs, nelliemoster he’s a man in his own right he’s not 16

grannyticktock Wed 08-Nov-17 17:54:49

Don't give the ring if you're not happy to part with it. You can just say you've realised you are too attached to it and you want to keep it. I don't see why a loan for a new ring should be necessary. If your son is grown-up enough to have proposed and be contemplating marriage, he can also make his own arrangements for purchasing an engagement ring. If he can't afford precious jewels, they can settle for a pretty dress ring, perhaps in a silver setting. It's not your job to provide or pay for a ring, especially if you have misgivings about the relationship.