Daughter moving back home

I know I would do everything in my power to help my own children and particularly in the circumstances you have explained, however, my view is that for your daughter and her son to move in with you and your husband is a step too far. It is bound to lead to tension if your husband is opposed, no matter whether his reasons are good or bad - and this wont be nice for your grandson, daughter or you. I would offer every kind of help possible, financial, help with food, childcare etc. but not moving in unless it was a clearly time-limited stop-gap with a mutually agreed end date for all concerned.

I really don't think it is any business of your husband's two children - it is between you, him and your DD to sort out and come to a compromise.

Your DD sounds as if she is doing her very best to forge a better future for her and her child - she's not just going to come home and laze around. I hope your husband can come to understand this - perhaps he is wondering how long this arrangement may last and is worried that it could be too much for you both.

You need to have discussions about this but he needs to understand that it is none of his children's business - unless they are still living at home and it will have an impact on them and their lifestyle.

She is your daughter and needs help. Tell him to butt out if he doesn’t like it, blood is thicker than second marriages and step children no matter what they think your daughter needs support

Dont be guilt tripped by words like "moral duty" or "your children must always come first". Do what is best for yourself and your family, which includes your husband.
Your daughter is still quite young and will in all probability find a partner in the future. If you sacrificed your marriage for her, would you want her to feel obliged to give up her chance of marriage or partnership for you?
Think about the long term as well as the short term.
All the best.

radilcalnan talks a lot of sense. Some of the advice on here seems to be encouraging Elarev to march straight into a war zone because her daughter's needs must come above all else.

Hopefully there's a way forward that will suit everyone.

Your first moral duty is to your daughter, not your second husband and his (seemingly) truculent children.

She sounds as if she is having a very hard time so you have to support her, whatever your husband thinks and says.

Stuff your husbands awkward bratty children! Have any of them walked a mile in your daughters shoes......?

I can only speak for myself and it’s probably of no help to you what so ever but no man would ever come over my children if they were in need
It really sounds like Cinderella and the ugly sisters and the cruel step ‘ dad ‘ scenario
I do hope you can help you’re daughter without too much agrimony but doesn’t sound like it will be possible so next best thing is Grandetante s post if helping with childcare and finances if possible

Hmmmmmmmmmm, once people have moved in it is very hard to get them to move out. What will happen when she starts her nursing degree and then a job that may be demading long hours on the wards? I can't see how this could be defined in ways that would satisfy your husband, who may well feel he is entering into something that could be open ended. Once your child is esconced, what he has to offer his own will be restricted.

As much as we want to help our children, we have to respect our partner's wishes in their own home, are you prepared to forfeit your marriage to help your daughter?

She may well meet someone else and start her life over and not want to put you above him.

This is such a complex problem because when we remarry we may well feel that we will be equal to the task of co parenting with others but as we age that can change.

Consider your own best interests first.

Let us know how you get on, Elarev

Thanks for your feedback Wilma and golden age.i totally can relate to your comments. When I got together with my OH my daughter was 12. She was so excited because she would be getting step siblings. However nothing could be further from the truth. They've never wanted her or me really and have never included us in any plans,or invites. At the time they were 19 and 25. My OH had a very acrimonious split and have never spoken since. His kids took the mother's side.
They visit here twice a year at Christmas and Easter. They don't like where we live but it's lovely.
I understand that it's hard to accept another person in your dad's life who is not your mum.
My daughter would still embrace and want to be close with them.
I think they feel she gets more because we live nearer to her(3miles) and they are (10miles.
So yes she does get more, but from me not OH.
I work and have my own money.
The more I ponder on this the more I'm convinced it is about the house and her moving in would really freak them out.
Do you know that when we all do get together I have to bite my lips not to tell them how horrible and rude they are.
I've taken in all your comments and advice lovely ladies and staying over at my daughter's tonight so hopefully we can come up with a solution that would suit us all.

This sounds like a minefield to me, Yes, by all means try to talk this through with your husband and see if you can get him to see your point of view. However, if he really does not like your daughter and makes mean remarks to her the atmosphere will not be pleasant and might actually harm your grandchild.

Can you afford, out of your own earnings or pension to pay some of your daughter's living expenses, if she continues to live somewhere else? Is so, either do so without telling your husband, or do so on some legal basis, where it is quite clear that the help you are giving her now is to be deducted from whatever she will inherit after you.

If she continues to live somewhere else, can you either persuade or simply tell your husband that your grandson will be with you for a stipulated number of hours a week with you, so that his mother can go to classes and do her studying for the course?

Could you help her with her rent so that she doesn't need to work as many hours but could stay where she Is?... that may be the compromise that your husband might agree to.
So if his children were in the same situation would he expect you to welcome them? If the answer to that is yes then you have leverage

Elarev - I have already contributed to this thread but need to say more. I have been in a similar situation - and I can only urge you to separate your finances now rather than waiting until later. When I met second hubby we both had our own houses but hubby's was a house he had bought for himself after the break-up of his first marriage and was completely ramshackle, whereas I had lived in mine for many years with my daughter and although she had gone to uni she had not moved out as such and came home frequently. When we got together we divided our week between the two houses because one was more convenient for work and when my daughter came home and we were at his house, she needed a bedroom. The house was enormous but in need of total repair so we decorated a room as her bedroom although there had been no such decoration done for bedrooms for his children as they never (never) visited. They did occasionally visit when we were in my house and were made most welcome with a bedroom each. However, when they found out my daughter had a bedroom (which I personally had paid to decorate) in their dad's house they both went crazy with one openly saying she would do herself harm if my daughter didn't refrain from staying in that house!!! Clearly, I had the discussion with my hubby at that point - I wasn't prepared to have a step-child dictate what could and couldn't happen in our marriage. When we eventually bought a house together I decided we should separate our finances - we both put equal amounts in, we both had jobs, we both halved all the bills - we had two potentially spare bedrooms and it was first come first served. I separated finances because the aggression coming from the two step-children towards me made me realise that eventually everything would come down to money and inheritance. They would want equal shares with my child but essentially that would mean that I personally would be contributing towards their shares - why would I want to do that when one in particular has never acknowledged my birthday in 25 years? My savings and all the money I invested in our house are for my child, not for these two jealous women. You will find yourself in a situation where they end up taking from you and where what you leave to your daughter and grandson is less than what they are entitled to. So have the discussion with your hubby now.

I wonder if it was one of his children in the same situation, what would he do?

I agree with those saying this is about inheritance.

I'm in a similar situation with my Mum and lovely Step-Dad. I get on with my step-siblings, but we're not close - possibly because we live hundreds of miles away. The house was my Step-Dad's marital home before his wife left him for someone else. They've been together over 20 years, married for 12 and yet my step-sister in particular is clearly concerned that my Mum will steal her inheritance. This is even though they know house will eventually go to them.
My step-siblings accept my Mum is there and there's a veneer of politeness, but have never embraced my Mum as part of the family. They never engage her in conversation directly or make much effort to include her - the opposite actually, talking to their Dad, but making no attempt to include her in the conversation. She might as well not be in the room a lot of the time. Occasionally they'll overstep the mark and their Dad tells them privately it's not on, but he's very protective of them at the same time.

My Mum has put money into the house (she sold her house) and they're happy with their financial arrangements. She has the right to stay in the house if my Step-Dad dies first, but meantime in the background is the feeling she will be resented by my step-siblings and isolated from the step-grandchildren who she adores. Even now the two older step-grandchildren are picking up and copying their Mum's attitude. I can't see her staying in the house very long TBH.

The issue is really one of how different families can be and when their underlying feelings surface, those differences start to matter.

I have no advice for the OP except that this whole issue of how the adult children should or shouldn't be supported now and in the future should be discussed with her DH. It needs to be a full and frank discussion and after, you both need to put on a united front and explain to the adult children how things stand.

Maybe there's a bit of jealousy on your DH behalf as his relationship with own D is strained. That's not your fault though nor your daughters. I feel sorry for you. A bit like piggy in the middle.

Alarev
My apologies. Your grandson.

Alarev.
Your daughter and grandaughter are your flesh and blood
Support them.
Your stepchildren cannot dictate.Are they their fathers keeper?. Would they not expect their fathers support were one of them in a similar position ?Ask him this.
Your grandchild will be at school most of the time
Does your husband fear you will deny him his home comforts in preference to assisting your own ?
You have the room and it seems to be a temporary measure.Seven year olds are not screaming babies.
I can only advise if you have the means, and to avoid any confrontations you provide the funds to enable your daughter to continue with her studies.

How tricky for all of you. Perhaps supporting her financially to live somewhere close to you would be the easiest solution.
Is she entitled to a government loan to help with her studies?
Is she getting all the benefits she is entitled to?
Maybe another way to make it clearer to your daughter might be to turn the situation around and ask if she starts a new relationship how might her new partner feel if you and your partner wanted to move in with them? It is messy and of course you feel that you must help your daughter and grandson. I would feel exactly the same. However if you sacrifice your relationship with your partner and your daughter moves on, as I expect she would want to do with a new relationship and a stable home for her son at some point, you might be the one living alone. Good luck with finding a solution that works for all of you, it doesn't have to be perfect but it does have to respect everyone involved.

Justwokeup. Yes, what you said!!

I can understand misgivings regarding all that having a young child in the house would bring (it would for me - not my idea of fun at all!) but its for such a short time. It'll be over before your husband knows it, and he'll probably miss her and your grandchild when they're gone!

Elarev - cross post re length of stay. So your daughter is needing to stay for less than a year. Your joint house was bought with a room for each of your children in mind.

You are already putting time and effort into supporting your daughter and grandson. Your husband should appreciate that, as well as helping out someone in need, by welcoming your family for a few months he'll make your life less busy and stressed. I hope you can get him to see things in a better light.

Whatever whichway, you must support your daughter in this otherwise you'd never forgive yourself. I would make it clear that it would only be for a couple of years until she can be independent again. My children always come first and my partner knows and accepts this as he should. My son of 40 is home again now, and I take care of my daughters grandchildren three days a week. it's a very noisy, busy, messy atmosphere and we all love it.

If his children wanted to move in for a while presumably you would say yes. Point this out to him. Staying until July is only an inconvenience, not life-changing. Having a seven year old around might add a bit of fun to your home. Your husband might make amends to her for being mean and her opinion of him might improve no end if he helps her out. If his children object, tell them firmly that you would do the same for them. Your daughter is going to be extremely busy at the end of her course and if you choose to consider your husband's and his children's (selfish) feelings over her very real needs it is likely to spoil your relationship with your daughter and grandson. The house is big enough, give them some space of their own and welcome them in!

Mmmm....mixed feelings here! Have two daughters who have yo-yo'd a bit. I am also re-married so not with biological father. Yes, of COURSE you want to help but I didn't find it easy having my kids 'back home' permanently even with my much loved GC's. They did kind of revert to being my 'kids' in some way..... (whether that was my fault or not am not sure)

My DH just went along with it all so it was me probably who wanted to see them settled and independent again with an 'open door' to our house.

Maybe work out how long this arrangement is intended to be. If DD expects you to co-parent (as opposed to grand parent). If you are prepared to do this etc etc

I disagree somewhat with people who say you DH is being totally unreasonable, simply because I don't know the facts. He may just not want the unpheaval for an indiscriminate amount of time and may be blaming his kids? Not sure. If you love DH, you do need to consider his feelings in this also and reach a compromise that suits you all. Well that's my opinion any way.......fwiw lol....oh just seen you say its until next July? Ignore that bit of my post then ha ha