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Daughter moving back home

(96 Posts)
Elarev Mon 20-Nov-17 20:03:43

My single parent daughter of 25 has asked if she and her son of 7 can move back home.
She is studying access to nursing 3 days a week and also works 2x 12.5 hr days, in order to pay her rent and bills etc. She is extremely stressed and worried that she doesn't have time to do the coursework and research properly for assignments.
I would gladly let them come to stay as she really wants to better herself and make a decision ent living to support herself and her son. However my husband who is my 2nd and not her dad is dead against this. He has 2 children who would not be pleased if she came home and would give him a hard time as they frequently do.
I'm really struggling with this as I want to help my daughter and find it completely alien not to.
We have plenty of room so that's not a problem.
Why have children of you cannot help them when they need it.
It's putting quite a strain on our relationship.
Please any other advice on this would be really helpful

MissAdventure Mon 20-Nov-17 20:09:02

Is your husbands objection based solely on the reaction of his own two children? How old are they?

FarNorth Mon 20-Nov-17 20:09:41

I'd help my daughter and tell my husband to leave if he didn't like it.

midgey Mon 20-Nov-17 20:13:58

Whose house is it!

MissAdventure Mon 20-Nov-17 20:14:53

I certainly wouldn't let your husbands children be the deciding factor in what happened regarding my own daughter. That's quite unhealthy, I would say.

Willow500 Mon 20-Nov-17 20:15:47

Is the house her family home or is it your husband's? Do his children live with you? It might be they would be jealous of the preferential attention they perceive she would be given or it could just be an excuse on his part that he doesn't want the disruption of a young child in the house. Maybe a family discussion is needed to try and gauge what their feelings really are and just how long she's planning on staying. Do you both work or have you retired and are at home all day to be on hand for child minding? It's never easy having children back home once they've moved out but she is your daughter and grandson and of course you want to help them. Has she explored other options of maybe sharing with a friend to reduce her outgoing costs?

annsixty Mon 20-Nov-17 20:17:03

This is a tough one and needs talking through.
If he is putting the views of his C first, you must do the same. Your D is very important to you.If the shoe was on the other foot would he expect one of his C to move in?

Iam64 Mon 20-Nov-17 20:19:45

I agree with you OP - we don't stop being parents because our children are adults. It sounds as though your daughter is doing her best during a tough time. I don't understand what it has to do with your husbands adult children. This is something you and he have to resolve. Your daughter doesn't sound like a difficult, demanding young woman so what's your husbands problem?

Elarev Mon 20-Nov-17 20:32:03

When we got together willow 500 we both had houses which we sold and bought this one together. We have 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms so you see plenty of space.
I see my daughter a lot and we have a really good relationship. She was a 17 year old mum and has done a fantastic job of tearing her child single handed.
But now she wants to better herself and I want to help.

SueDonim Mon 20-Nov-17 20:35:54

If your husband's children were ever in such need, would the door be open to them? If the answer is yes, then I don't see that there's any room for complaint.

If the answer is no, then there's more thinking to be done.

Elarev Mon 20-Nov-17 20:39:51

Hi misadventure. My husband's children are grown up at 31 and 37 years. They are not especially keen on me and didn't want us to marry. They are very close to their own mum and are a bit ruled by her. My husband does not speak to his ex and she hates him.
All this makes for uneasy times and they are jealous if they think my daughter gets any help from us.
I feel that he thinks his two kids would alienate him even more than they do now.
It's really tricky as your first instinct as a mum is to help your children especially when they try their hardest too.

Christinefrance Mon 20-Nov-17 20:40:52

My heart says of course your daughter and grandson should move in, however my head says that if your husband is dead set against it then life could be difficult for all of you.
Perhaps you could sit down and talk things through with your husband and see exactly where the problems lie. There must be some compromise here.

Grannyknot Mon 20-Nov-17 20:59:11

How long would it be for? Perhaps he would be more inclined to accept it if he knew it was not open ended.

Could your daughter ask him for this help directly instead of through you?

Have you explained to him how important this is to you and why?

Could the accommodation be arranged so that they could live separately although under one roof with just a shared kitchen?

Could she contribute some rent at all?

I think your daughter sounds like a person who deserves help.

merlotgran Mon 20-Nov-17 20:59:36

Whenever there's a house involved and adult children not from the same parents in the mix you can bet your life the arguments will be about money and inheritance

They may not say so but I bet it's the root cause for them not wanting your DD to move back in with you.

You're between a rock and a hard place so be careful not to have all the blame attached to you if things go wrong.


Elarev Mon 20-Nov-17 21:29:49

I think you may be right about money and inheritance. His kids are very into who gets what and why. His ex is always stirring things up too.
It's really tricky as this is my daughter. May have to pay her rent for a while.
By the way she can't understand why he won't let her move in. She thinks he doesn't like her. He has been mean to her in the past

MissAdventure Mon 20-Nov-17 21:31:34

Oh dear. Does he dislike her then? Regardless of all the other issues?

Cherrytree59 Mon 20-Nov-17 21:34:38

What's the point of 4 empty bedrooms and an extra bathroom?

A bedroom each for your DD and DGC still leaves a spare room.
Or if need be your DD and DGC shares a bedroom and your DHs 2 AC still have a room each if they wish to stay over at any time.

This is your DD nd DGC future at stake.

grannyactivist Mon 20-Nov-17 21:39:50

I think when someone marries then, in general, the needs of the spouse should come before those of adult children as long as the children were not being unduly disadvantaged. However, in this instance I think I would want to help my daughter to help herself. Presumably it would be time-limited until she has completed her training? A compromise would be to help out financially instead of giving her a home and I can't imagine that it would be easy for her to be living in an unwelcoming atmosphere anyway. sad

MissAdventure Mon 20-Nov-17 21:41:07

I must admit, for me, alarm bells would be ringing. When do these kind of problems get better? What happens through the years? Second fiddle to his children and ex forever?
Maybe your relationship is strong enough to weather the storms, though. Good luck, whatever you decide.

f77ms Tue 21-Nov-17 08:55:59

Your DD sounds as if she deserves your help , she is trying to secure a good future for your Gc . Could you sit down with your H and find out exactly what his concerns are ? I have had to help my adult son and he has moved back home after a serious illness , I am divorced so have no one else to consider thankfully . You have a large house so would it be possible for your DD to have her own space and just share the kitchen ?

cornergran Tue 21-Nov-17 09:23:18

I understand the urge to help, my initial thought was how sensible it would be for your daughter and grandson to share your home for a while. I then noticed your comment that your husband had been mean to your daughter. If this means that there are two adults who simply do not get along then perhaps a different solution is needed. Have you and your husband talked this through? Do you understand his objections? It must be painful to be torn in this way. Could you help your daughter to live separately but geographically close by so you could support practically by helping with cleaning and caring for your grandson? Have your grandson for sleepovers? Even arranging to cook for them? Your daughter does need help, I hope a solution can be found that sits comfortably with everyone.

eazybee Tue 21-Nov-17 09:29:42

Did your daughter and grandson ever live in this house with you and your second husband?Reading your post, my immediate reaction was that this is a middle-aged man who does not want his life suddenly disrupted by having to share it with a step-daughter and a seven year old. I wouldn't be so quick to assign blame to his daughters and ex-wife.
Simply having space in a house doesn't mean it is suitable; children are very invasive, and this would be all day, seven days a week, indefinitely.
Your daughter is discovering that studying with a young child is not nearly as easy as it is made out to be.
What you can do to help is offer some financial help, if possible, and also take your grandson for some evenings and weekends so that she may work on her assignments in peace. It will also enable her to focus and organise her study time. The fact that she can't understand why your husband isn't welcoming her with open arms shows a lack of empathy on her part.
You need to sit down and discuss it rationally with your husband and see what you can do to help, that suits both of you.

SparklyGrandma Tue 21-Nov-17 09:36:09

When in this situation when younger, I put my DS first. We weren't married yet though.

Sometimes our AC need our help and we have to also remember we might need their help when we are older.

luluaugust Tue 21-Nov-17 09:36:49

Agree with cornergran could you help with rent so she doesn't have to do extra work while training and a few household bits and pieces. What exactly doesn't your husband like about your daughter that he can't have her to stay for a while.

DotMH1901 Tue 21-Nov-17 09:37:03

Would it be possible to make a little flat in your house where she could live separately but you would be there for your grandson? Perhaps your other half thinks she would be there permanently and that is why he isn't keen on the idea, I am assuming it would only be a temporary measure until she finishes her studies? Is your garden large enough that you could have a caravan installed so that she is home but not living in the house with him? As long as you would do the same for his children then what they say shouldn't be taken into account. Other than that are you able to help financially with her rent so she doesn't have to work such long hours as well as study?