Has anyone mastered the art of saying No without the guilt that follows

If you believe you can't say no with conviction to your adult children every now and again, then you are your own worst enemy!

If you listen to your grown up children tell you that you are a poor parent without walking away or correcting them - then subconsciously you are accepting the statement as being true.

Self respect is a something many women wrestle with when faced with situations like this - and nothing will change until you internalize self respect.

Sounds like a spoiled brat tbh. Can't get his own way so chucks insults. Very respectful. Tut Tut

Used to have the problem: therapy helped solve it as I was a people pleaser and afraid my adult children would hate me if I said no. Life story as to why I had the emotional issues. They still in my life even though I learnt to say no

If he says you are a bad parent remind him he is the parent and can't make arrangements before sorting childcare. If you can't babysit he can't go out that's what good parents do as I'm sure you did when your children were small.

I did,nt find it too hard to say no to my own children when it was necessary as I knew no meant no in my own childhood. Were I did become to find it more of a problem was in the workplace, colleagues who would try and browbeat you into changes shifts....holiday rotas...overtime at short notice when you were too tired. This can also apply to extended families who like their own way and can have big strops and sulk if things don't,t go their way. I learnt gradually over the years to smile politely and say no sorry. If they persisted I would say again no I told you the first time you asked and the answer is still the same. Saying no becomes easier eventually.

I do say no and then continue to feel guilty afterwards! I don't think there's any solution. If you [ie me] can back it up with a good reason then there shouldn't be a problem -
but that doesn't stop me feeling bad.

"If you never say " no " what is your "yes" worth ?"
So true, Christine and Dee.
I wish I'd heard that years ago!
And eldest daughter used to try to be all things to everyone, until she met her present partner who has sensibly persuaded her to think of herself more. (And him, of course.)
Serkeen - as others have said , try to compromise, eg " if you do so and so, I might be able to help."

Serkeen I feel your pain... I can say no but then for some reason I find I try and explain why I am saying no which somehow gives an 'in' from the requester to argue the point until I find I am saying yes!

A useful phrase I learnt when I was doing my counselling training was, 'if you can't say no, what is a yes worth?' It's worth employing, though only you will know how or when to use it.

I empathise Pamted and Serkeen. Not so very long back I chose my moment , when everything was calm and no requests in action to say to my adult children I always will help if I can but if I say no then you must not strop. And I don't have to explain why.

I would suggest a meeting and a calm but honest chat about how this is making you feel. Don’t do it tho at a time when they are actually asking for help ! Reiterate your love and support, but you are “ allowed” to be honest for your own reasons and reach a compromise.

Look into his eyes, smile and say NO, then walk away - let him rant, unfortunately he las learnt that if he lays a big guilt trip on you, you will crack, I know of what I speak !! My daughter is a whizz at making me feel bad, she has'nt spoken to me since July, waiting for me to grovel - but I will not - I need what's left of my life to be happy, now its up to her. Stay strong.

My sister and I secretly called my mother 'Madam No' . You can guess why. Still loved her though

Oh how I sympthasise. I have moved away from my middle son and am now living closer to my eldest. I do a lot of childcare for my eldest - which I am paid for - as it prevents me from taking the part time work I would otherwise have to do till my state pension kicks in. That is not the problem. The problem is that my middle son feels that he is not getting all the free childcare to which he is 'entitled'!! He was angry about the move and I have bent over backwards for him. It takes 5 trains each way to visit, which I have done many times in the past 2 years, with a dog in tow, in order to babysit for them. They have yet to visit me - because "it is too far away"!

Enough was enough when on a recent visit I was asked to babysit just before Christmas, travelling home on Christmas Eve, which as you know is a Sunday this year. The train service is terrible and I stood a chance of being stranded. I said no. They argued that I had the day over Christmas Eve wrong. They said it was their only chance to go out - which I know for a fact is not true. They were not happy and neither was I that they had asked such a thing.

A couple of days later my son rang me saying that "as they had missed out on Christmas, would I babysit for New Year?" I caved in, and said yes. But I now know that there are going to be a lot more nos in future.

I would just do it, and if you’re told you’re a poor parent, I’m afraid, they have a problem, not you. You shouldn’t be in a position where you feel too much is put on you. You’re not saying you won’t help out...just not as much. If you feel you need to explain the no, so be it...so, maybe you can’t spare the money now, you’re not feeling a hundred percent, or whatever is relevant, but you brought your child(ren) up to be independent, and that is what they need to be.

I think you have to accept that he will be cross and decide in advance how to deal with the reaction.
I would just say 'I'm sorry you are upset but you must be aware that I cannot always put your needs first' then make an excuse to move on to something else of end the conversation if you are on the phone. He moans because moaning works. It used to with my mother and my sister and I used to do it with full awareness that if we kept on she would usually give in (although not always).
He will only stay angry until the next time he wants something from you.
It really comes down to how much you want to take control of your own time and life.

It helps if you give a reason for saying ‘no’ Serkeen,
As in ‘ oh what a shame, I would help out but I have an appointment that I can’t change’ or ‘sorry, but am booked to have a meal out with friends’ anything really to shiw that you actually have a life yourself.
We try and help where at all possible if we think they need it, but do sometimes say a ‘regretful’ no at times.
The more you do without question for them, the more they will expect it.

Oh dear saying No needs practice and the sooner you start the sooner you will get good at it.

I live sufficiently far from my children not to be called on for babysits, pickups and such like, but that does have its downsides in that you get less time with any grand kids.

How old is this man boy?

Is it possible to say 'No'? I thought mothers were hardwired to say 'Yes'.

No problem with my 3 DDs. They know I have my own life but will help whenever I can. Of course there may be times where I would drop everything to help.
I can also now, say no when asked to do things at various clubs and social events that don’t fit it with other plans I may have. Happy to help otherwise.
Strangely , I found that a simple smile and‘ no thanks, not this time worked. Although some were rather taken aback and surprised at first.

I grew up as a people pleaser. As I've got older I find that if I wish I can nicely say no. I say that it doesn't suit, or I have a previous appointment where before I would have been rearranging my appointment to try and help.
If it's something really important I would of course rearrange an appointment but generally speaking I try not to do something that I'd hate doing.

No I dint think you’re a lone voice at all n&g. I usually say yes when they ask, mainly because they ask so little of me and don’t ever put me on a guilt trip if I do say no. They had a lot of practice at hearing accepting and accepting the N word when they were small! Oh dear that makes me sound like a right moaning mum, I wasn’t really that bad!

Have you watched Motherland Serkeen? You need to take a leaf out of the main character's mother's book!