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Has anyone mastered the art of saying No without the guilt that follows

(89 Posts)
Serkeen Mon 18-Dec-17 17:25:16

My youngest is driving me bonkers, always needs something, my time money, babysitting so much on me I do help as much as I can.

It is over whelming, it weighs heavy on me trying to do less but not get the third degree and told that I am a bad parent if I say no sad

Just want to say No sometimes and not give anyone the ump ..

Christinefrance Mon 18-Dec-17 17:28:26

If you never say " no " what is your "yes" worth ?

Serkeen Mon 18-Dec-17 17:45:35

Quite a lot to my youngest he hates it when he hears no

NanaandGrampy Mon 18-Dec-17 17:58:41

That is so true Christine!

wildswan16 Mon 18-Dec-17 18:33:14

I've always believed a good parent frequently has to say "no". Otherwise how can the child learn any boundaries or how to cope on their own.

Eglantine21 Mon 18-Dec-17 18:45:02

I guess it depends how young your youngest is. Personally, once I felt my children were "launched" and adults in their own right I haven't found it hard to balance my needs with theirs. I like the easy equality in our relationships where we are all able to say no or yes to each other when it's appropriate.
I don't think I ever wanted to be Mummy with dependent children forever.

MissAdventure Mon 18-Dec-17 18:48:55

I'm pretty good at saying "No". Its the easiest option, in the long run.

CherryHatrick Mon 18-Dec-17 19:09:23

"Rod" and "Back" spring to mind.

NanaandGrampy Mon 18-Dec-17 19:25:28

I have often said through the years to my daughters ,’ I am not your best friend , I’m your mother. It’s my job to say no sometimes and tell you the stuff you don’t want to hear’.

Maybe it’s time to do the same serkeen?

M0nica Mon 18-Dec-17 19:41:14

If your son is old enough to have a partner and children then he should not be expecting his mother to solve his every problem. Decide what you can manage to do for him without compromising you own life and if he asks for anything else say no.

Why on earth should you feel guilty about this. He is the one who should be feeling guilty for not sorting out his own problems.

Next time you feel guilty challenge those feelings. Ask yourself why you should feel guilty. You will probably be doing your DS a favour by saying no and expecting him to solve his own problems. There may be tantrums and upsets to begin with but just treat him as you did when he was a tantrumming 2 year old.

gillybob Mon 18-Dec-17 19:46:48

I'm just like you Serkeen and get roped into all sorts of things I would like to have said a firm "no" to . You just can't help your nature .

paddyann Mon 18-Dec-17 21:20:14

I find it hard to say no,I'm a middle child who was raised to be a people pleaser .I always feel bad about refusing to help...well thats not strictly true I WOULD always feel bad about refusing IF I ever did ...but I dont.I didn't realise it was only until they grew up that I had to be their mother .I always thought that kids were for life..just like they say about know for life not just for christmas .I'll do all I can until the day I die .

NanaandGrampy Mon 18-Dec-17 21:55:10

Do you not think though Paddyann that there is a difference between doing all you can to help your children and sometimes saying no ?

I often think that you do your children a disservice by never letting them feel the consequence of their action. I’m not suggesting not helping but I am a firm believer that if people never feel the pain they never learn.

Maybe I’m a lone believer in that, but I can only say that it has worked for my family.

merlotgran Mon 18-Dec-17 22:32:59

I've never had to say 'no' to my family because they have never put me in a position where I might have to.

I'm talking about adult children of course. I said 'no' plenty of times when they were young so maybe that's why they understand what they can or cannot ask of me.

I have always been happy to help out wherever I can and sometimes a 'yes' goes without saying. I'm glad I've never had to say 'no.'

GrandmaKT Mon 18-Dec-17 22:49:00

Have you watched Motherland Serkeen? You need to take a leaf out of the main character's mother's book!

grannyqueenie Mon 18-Dec-17 22:57:19

No I dint think you’re a lone voice at all n&g. I usually say yes when they ask, mainly because they ask so little of me and don’t ever put me on a guilt trip if I do say no. They had a lot of practice at hearing accepting and accepting the N word when they were small! Oh dear that makes me sound like a right moaning mum, I wasn’t really that bad!

Coolgran65 Mon 18-Dec-17 23:48:29

I grew up as a people pleaser. As I've got older I find that if I wish I can nicely say no. I say that it doesn't suit, or I have a previous appointment where before I would have been rearranging my appointment to try and help.
If it's something really important I would of course rearrange an appointment but generally speaking I try not to do something that I'd hate doing.

ginny Tue 19-Dec-17 08:29:03

No problem with my 3 DDs. They know I have my own life but will help whenever I can. Of course there may be times where I would drop everything to help.
I can also now, say no when asked to do things at various clubs and social events that don’t fit it with other plans I may have. Happy to help otherwise.
Strangely , I found that a simple smile and‘ no thanks, not this time worked. Although some were rather taken aback and surprised at first.

vampirequeen Tue 19-Dec-17 08:35:29

Is it possible to say 'No'? I thought mothers were hardwired to say 'Yes'. sad

Nelliemoser Tue 19-Dec-17 08:39:50

How old is this man boy?

Nelliemoser Tue 19-Dec-17 08:45:21

I live sufficiently far from my children not to be called on for babysits, pickups and such like, but that does have its downsides in that you get less time with any grand kids.

Teetime Tue 19-Dec-17 09:34:02

Oh dear saying No needs practice and the sooner you start the sooner you will get good at it.

lemongrove Tue 19-Dec-17 09:40:32

It helps if you give a reason for saying ‘no’ Serkeen,
As in ‘ oh what a shame, I would help out but I have an appointment that I can’t change’ or ‘sorry, but am booked to have a meal out with friends’ anything really to shiw that you actually have a life yourself.
We try and help where at all possible if we think they need it, but do sometimes say a ‘regretful’ no at times.
The more you do without question for them, the more they will expect it.

Jaycee5 Tue 19-Dec-17 09:40:48

I think you have to accept that he will be cross and decide in advance how to deal with the reaction.
I would just say 'I'm sorry you are upset but you must be aware that I cannot always put your needs first' then make an excuse to move on to something else of end the conversation if you are on the phone. He moans because moaning works. It used to with my mother and my sister and I used to do it with full awareness that if we kept on she would usually give in (although not always).
He will only stay angry until the next time he wants something from you.
It really comes down to how much you want to take control of your own time and life.

SussexGirl60 Tue 19-Dec-17 09:42:08

I would just do it, and if you’re told you’re a poor parent, I’m afraid, they have a problem, not you. You shouldn’t be in a position where you feel too much is put on you. You’re not saying you won’t help out...just not as much. If you feel you need to explain the no, so be, maybe you can’t spare the money now, you’re not feeling a hundred percent, or whatever is relevant, but you brought your child(ren) up to be independent, and that is what they need to be.