looking after grandchild

My DiL and DS love it if I care for DGS in their home. Much easier for them to just wait for me to turn up - and - I get bored when DGS is happily playing his own games and so I do a bit of cleaning/ironing/washing and toys are put away properly! I much prefer it if he comes to me even though this usually means a sleep over the night before as we’re 45 minutes drive away and I hate turning out at silly o’clock to get there! He prefers coming to us too as then he gets to play with Grandad, the dog comes too and we go out interesting places. We did make it clear that we were more than happy to look after any of our DGC, and do - but not on a regular basis. The worry and stress of not being available if we were ill and being tied as to when we could go away etc was something we didn’t want. Selfish maybe, but they understand. Maybe we’re lucky but maybe some AC take their DPs too much for granted.

Every dictator regrets it later

Supervised visits I call them. How bloody dare they. My daughter was like this for five years. She was always very bossy about what I could and couldn't do with her kids and it really upset me. Again like you I began to withdraw my services and now the boys are older (6 and 10) everything is fine. They stay here all the time. I think it stemmed from her own insecurity as a mother and to please her husband (now ex thank god) who apparently loathed every thing about me. Hang on in there, go round if YOU feel like and keep bonding with your little ones. It will all be fine.

sky53.
After three years your grandson is no longer a baby you feed then put back in their pram or cot.Once they get on their feet children become adventurous. You need eyes in the back of your head to know where they are or what they are doing. Ask your daughter why the change in where you look after your grandson.

What reason do your son and daughter in law give for you not being able to look after your grandson in your home? When you say you cannot take him anywhere, do you mean you cannot take him out for a walk or to a café or softplay?

Without more background information it is difficult to say whether you are wrong. Maybe your house is unsuitable for a child or they are worried you don't have the right equipment. How far away from them do you live?

sky53 I understand why you would like some changes, but, please do tread carefully. After all you don't want the kind of family row that would lead to you not seeing your grandchildren at all.

I feel many young parents are being overly careful these days, but they are not more likely to want to listen to us than we were to listen to the older generation when we were young parents. The difference then was that most of us listened with an outward show of respect then did as we pleased. Nowadays the younger generation probably does not even listen.

If none of the sensible points of view others have expressed apply (allergies, smoking etc) then I think it is time for a conversation with your son and daughter in law. You might want to start by asking whether your eldest grandchild will be starting nursery school soon or suggest it is now time for a play-group once or twice a week.
Are they expecting you to be an unpaid nanny until the new grandchild goes to school too?

I suggest you stress that you love your grandchildren, but that you are feeling an increasing need for some time doing other things than looking after them, especially as you are supposed to stay in all day, five days a week with them.

Let us know how you get on.

Poly580 how utterly awful for you.

I really feel for you but I also agree there must be a reason. We are not allowed to see our only GC. Something happened to me in 2006 and I became very depressed and spent a few weeks in the Priory. I wasn’t sectioned or anything like that ....
Our sil found out during our DD pregnancy. I was supposed to my minding the baby full time when our DD returned to work . It was actually said to me in front of the family that people who have suffered depression should never be allowed near children in case they kill them. My husband asked our sil what he would do with all the people who have suffered depression and he said there are plenty of jobs on the brush..... yes he is a real charmer. Our only GS is in nursery and we are not allowed to see him. So yes I have a reason although it’s not a valid or good one from them. It says more about him actually. I have been well since my depression in 2006.
I feel there is more going on with you.... have they never said why? If not you need to ask.

I can feel your hurt. Some parents are so controlling. I’m sorry, the children are missing so much not having a granny house to go to and visit.
My children loved staying with their grannies. And remember so many things. I remember my mum telling me that my five year old son said to her as she tucked him in bed ‘you like making people feel nice don’t you’ .She was so touched and so was I. I used to pack them off down to London during half terms when I wasn’t free, but my mum, recently widowed and pensioned was. Everybody won. So i’m Sorry. And it’s the same with me too... grandots not allowed here. So sad.

Have you ever asked why?

sky53 I don't look after my youngest grandson at my home because he has a cat allergie and I have two cats. The poor little mite's eyes get red and swollen and he sneezes practically non stop. Could it be something like this that is stopping you having your grandchild at your house? If so then it is quite understandable that his/her parents don't want him going to your house.

If you are not allowed to do these things to make it all run easier for you (especially as you are needed by them) I definitely think you should say you are happy to help, but in your own home & if that's not to their liking perhaps they should make alternate arrangements, easier said than done I know but it's just not right that they dictate terms, when it's your help they need & should be grateful for, good luck

Hi is it something as simple as it’s less hassle for them for you to go there. To get child ready and all the stuff they need for the day then transport there and back might cost them time and cause them I convenience they don’t want.

"I am expected to do it at their house which, after three years and no change I no longer want to and haven't for a few months. I have never been allowed to take my grandchild anywhere."

If you don't want to do it, you don't have to; the only difficulty really, is telling them, isn't it?

When you say you can't take them anywhere - how universal is 'anywhere'? A day-trip 50 miles away by car is a different anywhere from the local park anywhere IYSWIM.

And how much childcare do you provide - one day a month or several days a week? I would be fine going not very often, but I would certainly rebel against having to be somewhere not my choice if it was a substantial portion of my time.

You need to have a conversation with them. Tell them that providing childcare at their home no longer suits you - actually it never really did, but you were trying to be accommodating when parenting was so new to them - and that you feel it's time for a change. Decide BEFORE the conversation what you are willing to provide - how much and where.

And remember - you are a grandmother/mother/MIL - you most certainly are not staff, and you are no longer willing to be treated as such. Any future arrangements must be by agreement, not diktat. Good luck.

Have you asked if you can take dgc to the park or out for a walk in pushchair? Why won't they let you? Do you have ill health or another reason they won't let you. It does seem very odd. When I go to see my dgs who lives a long way away from me so I don't see often I take him out in his pushchair to the park or the city farm and my dd is happy for me to do so. She likes him to get lots of fresh air. You need to talk to your son on his own and tell him it is upsetting to you as you don't feel trusted.

I prefer to babysit at my daughters house as everything I need is there and my house is small and not childproof enough but I have done it occasionally. Have you asked to do it at your house? If they've said no then you're entitled to an explanation. To offer advice we need more information.

I look after my grandsons in their home, so that I can come home to my clean relaxing haven. ??

Do you get paid for doing this?

Do you go full time five days a week? You could consider cutting it to 2 or 3 daysa week and let them find someone else for the rest of the time. Does the 3yr old go to a nursery? It is not good for a child that age to be stuck at home all day - they need to get out to play and socialise.

Can't really help without knowing why. We had our GC at our house because their parents dropped them off at 7.15 on their way to work. Our house was set up to cope with them and we took them to playgroup etc. If it had been a later start, I'd have gone there - their heating, their toys etc and our house would have been tidier. Also, they might have been a bit prompter about getting back. My neighbour always went to the GC's house because Granddad smoked and they didn't like it near their children.

And I come home shattered to a tidy house . Win Win .

Exactly!

I'd feel slightly, only slightly, miffed at not having the choice. But then I'd always go to their home. Turn my heating down, turn theirs up?, toys, toddler food, clothes changes, safety devices, all there. As Trisher says, play, enjoy and don't worry about tidying up. BIG QUESTION do they show you appreciation and love, not necessarily materially but verbally, treat you occasionally and most of all would you miss the special connection with DGC that you have built. Make a list. Work it out. Value the pluses. Time flies, school days loom.

I get the choice. Do I want them at mine or yours ? Hmmm. Yours !!!

Interestingly, when my family come to stay, I have noticed my son subtly walking around, tightening cables, moving chairs etc from enticing climbing positions, shifting anything that might seem dangerous or tempting in his eyes. I say nothing even although I sometimes think he may be a little over cautious. Rather that than the alternative and he certainly knows his children better than I do. I also concede that there are many things I've forgotten as being potentially child hazardous. Parents have this built in 'one step ahead' I've lost all that.

Ive always minded my GCs in their own home. It's easier by far, no need for extra equipment, all toys are there and anything else. You are using their heating and eating their food. Plus if you get lots of toys out and there's a mess, you can apologise for not having time to tidy up and go home to a nice cuppa. It's now a family joke that you can tell when Granny has been.