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looking after grandchild

(97 Posts)
sky53 Wed 10-Jan-18 08:31:45

I am not allowed to look after my grandchild in my home. I am expected to do it at their house which, after three years and no change I no longer want to and haven't for a few months. I have never been allowed to take my grandchild anywhere. Now baby number two is going to arrive and I am still not allowed to look after the first one in my one home. I feel guilty about not wanting to offer help to go there for any more than a couple of weeks or so after my son's paternity leave finishes. Do you think I am wrong?

BlueBelle Wed 10-Jan-18 08:40:17

Sky I think “do you think I m wrong” is a question that is impossible to answer without knowing any background You don’t say why you daughter/son doesn’t want you to take the little one to your house There could be a multitude of valid reasons which only you will know so there is no way anyone can decide these answers for you

PamelaJ1 Wed 10-Jan-18 08:44:26

Have you got an animal that they don’t like, do you smoke, have a pond or anything else they may take objection to?

Luckygirl Wed 10-Jan-18 08:55:12

Is this a regular arrangement while a parent works? Are there specific reasons why your home is not seen as appropriate? What do you mean "not allowed" to take GC anywhere? - if he/she is in your sole care, then how might they stop you? (although of course you might be trying to meet their wishes) What is there objection to this?

Do you not enjoy looking after your GC at their house? Would you miss it if you put your foot down?

I suspect it is about first child anxiety and that when there are two they might be only too happy to farm no.1 out somewhere!

Luckygirl Wed 10-Jan-18 08:55:56

their - oops!

Christinefrance Wed 10-Jan-18 09:02:15

Once the new baby is here and settled then I would talk to your family about the care you are giving etc. As BlueBelle said they may have valid reasons for not wanting the children to be at your house. If its just for convenience then a discussion is needed as your needs must be considered as well.

Flowerofthewest Wed 10-Jan-18 09:51:01

If there is no obvious reason then withdraw your services. Cheek.

radicalnan Wed 10-Jan-18 09:54:04

How can you be wrong to make a choice about what you want to do? Children grow up and grand parents grow older, nothing is set in stone.

It makes no difference what makes them reluctant to allow the child to be at your home, at this juncture the choice is yours to make. If you have had enough of going there then say so.

Eglantine21 Wed 10-Jan-18 09:55:18

I'm just curious. Why is it so important to have your GC at your house?

Nanny41 Wed 10-Jan-18 09:59:37

This is a difficult one, maybe they think it is easier for the child not to have to travel to your house with you, or has the GC got friends where they live and no one where you live, I think an explanation would be better for you to understand.
Has GC got an allergy or any other reason why they are so cautious, definately ask before baby number two arrives.Good luck.

dizzygran Wed 10-Jan-18 10:00:47

You haven't mentioned how long you look after GC - do you go to their home before they leave for work? Not being allowed to take GC out seems unusual. You need to have a word with DS and sort things out - there could be valid reasons (as mentioned above). Is your home on a busy road? Look out for things to do with DC and suggest them to DS and DIL. Like you I would find it a drag being in someone else's house for long periods. Good luck.

Pamaga Wed 10-Jan-18 10:00:56

It could be that their house is childproofed and yours is not. I am conscious when our grandson visits us how many hazards there are in our own home. Is their home very far from yours? If not, I'd just make the most of it. Babies and toddlers are messy beings and at least it'll be confined to their premises and not yours!

razzmatazz Wed 10-Jan-18 10:03:17

Why not just ask? Explain the situation to them and that it is easier for you. Ask them to be honest and be prepared to hear something you may not like .They will have to give you a valid reason.

W1tch1 Wed 10-Jan-18 10:04:34

Whatever the reason you have obviously had enough of the set up. It does sound like first child paranoia. I would actually start to live your own life instead of being their free child minder. I found this out years ago. You will still see your grandchildren but on mutual terms and as said once there's another child the first one dies seem to get more freedom.
Look after yourself hun. You only get one life x

maddyone Wed 10-Jan-18 10:05:47

I had the same situation, we used to take care of our grandchildren in their own home. Although we had bought travel cots, they have never slept in them. We don't smoke although we do have a cat (so do they, and a dog!) We were allowed to take them out though, and to visit our home, but we were to look after them in their own home so they could eat food mum had prepared and sleep in their own cots for their naps. Whilst I understood this, I never felt entirely comfortable and would have preferred to take care of them in my own home, especially since we had toys, high chairs, travel cots etc and we had to be up at the crack of dawn and at their house early in the morning.
I am relieved now that we are no longer needed for childcare as their circumstances have changed. When we see the children we can just enjoy them and then send them off home.

Hilltopgran Wed 10-Jan-18 10:08:24

Sky is there a reason you feel so down about this, it is not unusual to look after a baby or toddler in their own home. As others have said have you discussed this with the parents and their concerns.
I find it easier to look after our GC at their home, it is familiar, the toys are there, everything you need is to hand and the baby is happy. I do put her in the pushchair with DILs blessing and go for a walk round the village. We live about 75 mins drive away, so it is more help to them if we do the travelling.
Things do change when a second one comes along, but help may still be asked for in their home, so why not have a conversation to understand the reason.

Coconut Wed 10-Jan-18 10:08:35

Ditto razzmatazz.... you should speak to them 1st then we would all be in a better more informed position to offer our advice .. good luck

GabriellaG Wed 10-Jan-18 10:09:53


Whoa...please DO NOT get wound up about this.
I know that there are certain rules/laws? governing looking after children who are 'not yours' in your own home, something similar happened to two police constables a few years ago.
Try to find out more about it on Google. It may not be your D's fault that she has made that choice.
I cannot give any further advice as I'm not sure of the rules but you can check. I hope it becomes clear and you can find a happy solution.

Lynnebo Wed 10-Jan-18 10:10:39

I minded my GD at my house every Wednesday - my day off from wotk - (plus others) from being 10 weeks old until she started school. The other GPs (retired) minded her the other four days but it had to be at DD & SiL house. The reason being dangerous stairs and the other GPs are a lot older. My SiL worked nights so was on hand upstairs (complete with earplugs ) if there were any difficulties. None of us were allowed to take her anywhere in the car until she was 3 and started part time nursery which needed driving to!
Sometimes we don't understand our ACs reasoning but I figured if I wanted the enjoyment of my DGDs company then I would go along with it. She started school aged 4 years and 2 weeks - oh how I miss our Wednesdays!

Alidoll Wed 10-Jan-18 10:13:06

When you say “not allowed” to have them in your house or take them out, is that agreed by a court or just the parents wishes?

Are there concerns over the children’s safety at your house - as others have asked, pets or smoking that they object to or some other risk factor that could lead to them being injured (both physically or psychologically?).

Has there been concerns raised in the past about your behaviour and / or living arrangements? Eg people that visit you having lifestyles that might be detrimental to a child being there - drug taking / alcohol or abuse of some kind?

Saying simply they “aren’t allowed” does not provide people with enough information to provide you with advice on moving forward. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I’m afraid as there could be a whole host of perfectly valid reasons why you aren’t “allowed” contact outwith their property or take the children out this suggests it’s not just because the parents don’t fancy driving over to your house occasionally but that there is something that they (or someone else close to them) has grave concerns over.

patsy21 Wed 10-Jan-18 10:14:35

I agree withW1tch1
With hindsight you can do too much and be too accommodating- mine went off to Australia without a qualm. It has taken me years to get over it

maddyone Wed 10-Jan-18 10:20:28

sky53 I understand completely why you would prefer to be in your own home, as I said in my earlier post, I would have preferred it too. Basically, you feel more comfortable in your own home, but you do need to have all the paraphernalia young children need available in your own home.
Why can't you take your grandchild out? That is completely unreasonable, and I wouldn't do it if that were the case. I'm not surprised that you're fed up with over three years of childcare and being stuck in the house (not even your own house) all the time. If you're sure you don't want to do it, say NO. Enjoy your AC and grandchildren when they visit,or you visit them, without being bullied into being cooped up in a house all day, not even allowed to leave. Ridiculous.

trisher Wed 10-Jan-18 10:20:41

Ive always minded my GCs in their own home. It's easier by far, no need for extra equipment, all toys are there and anything else. You are using their heating and eating their food. Plus if you get lots of toys out and there's a mess, you can apologise for not having time to tidy up and go home to a nice cuppa. It's now a family joke that you can tell when Granny has been. grin

Kim19 Wed 10-Jan-18 10:29:07

Interestingly, when my family come to stay, I have noticed my son subtly walking around, tightening cables, moving chairs etc from enticing climbing positions, shifting anything that might seem dangerous or tempting in his eyes. I say nothing even although I sometimes think he may be a little over cautious. Rather that than the alternative and he certainly knows his children better than I do. I also concede that there are many things I've forgotten as being potentially child hazardous. Parents have this built in 'one step ahead' I've lost all that.

NannyTee Wed 10-Jan-18 10:29:17

I get the choice. Do I want them at mine or yours ? Hmmm. Yours !!!