what should I do - son, partner, new baby

mehimthem - the idea of 8 people in one house when there's a new baby is ridiculous in my opinion. The new baby and its immediate family need private time to bond - seems to me that everybody was a bit overly-sensitive, not surprisingly and your leaving must have been interpreted as your going off in a huff for whatever reason. I have my biological daughter within a mile of me, I was present at the birth (at home) of both my grandchildren. The other grandma was also present at the first birth but not the second as they live three hours' drive away. I also have a step-daughter who lives four hours' drive away from us and they don't have the accommodation to put us up so the relationship continues with us visiting and checking into a local b+b. It's expensive of course but there's no option. So, as others have said, why don't you visit but don't be on top of them by staying there, it's all too full-on, give them their privacy, and they'll welcome you more. I know there's a cost involved so that will determine how many visits you can make.

DH & I had arranged with DD that when 1st DGS was born we would go & stay for a week. Baby decided to come early & DD had emergency C Section. Mad dash nearly 200 miles to support DD & her OH (who doesn't drive). Back & forth to Hospital for a couple of days before DD came home.

After 2 days at home D suggested that DH & I went out for the day which we did to give them time together as a family. I didn't interfere with her wishes, washing up was my job & shopping. After a week we went home leaving them to it although DD couldn't drive for another 4/5 weeks. I also took them to Register baby's birth.

When 2nd DGS was born last I had moved closer, about 30 mins drive, I was there to take DD home then I gave them a day together & went back following day to run errands. DD knew she only had to ask but this time she had a natural birth & was soon driving again. I always take my lead from DD which is probably why we have such a strong bond. DGSs & I have a mutual love even though sometimes I don't see much of them because of our commitments. It works for us. My DD would have been horrified if I had attended the birth but couldn't wait to show off both DGS soon afterwards.

When I had my children help would've been wonderful from a grand parent though I'd find it hard to have to host an extra visitor. But speaking as a Granny I'm also sad that it's become part of western culture to all live separately so a parent feels like a visitor rather than a member of the household. I also find that the younger generation who've had a more supported upbringing have a high expectation of continuing support from parents with childcare, money etc but little awareness of the feelings and needs of those parents. It's probably important to have boundaries which foster more awareness and mean everyone feels positive and enjoys the relationships rather than things getting too one sided. Having said that I love my grandchild to bits and feel blessed to spend any time with her.

I think you need to take a step
Back. Tensions do sometimes run high after having a baby. Take the high road. Ask your son to explain what’s wrong and see if he has any suggestions as to how you can most help.

I'm taking plenty of notes from all the wise advice here as I await the arrival of first grandchild in August. Every Saturday hubby and myself take first bus to fruit market and bring the goodies to expectant mums home. We leave it on the doorstep and walk home. I've added extras such as almond/wheat germ oil to the Saturday hampers. I try to think of little indulgences for my son's partner and the odd bottle of stout for both of them. We don't intrude, we get a chance to nourish their little family and our walks keep us fit for our new grandchild. They both tell us they love opening their weekly treats. Gently does it. When I had my babies I didn't want long staying guests, albeit family. I felt there was no one more capable than me to care for my babies. Visits of a couple of hours were enjoyable and thankfully our parents were sensitive enough to keep to that. While inside I'm bubbling with excitement about the new baby, I too will be happy with whatever time Im given. I stayed home and reared three children so I'm happy to now have a more leisurely life. I think the best support is telling both young parents that you are there for whatever they need you to do. Then praise, praise and more praise them. It's new territory for them and they need to be confident. Hopefully we'll have a healthy addition to the family - what more could we ask for?

When my son was born 43 years ago, it was a home birth because I didn't want to leave my little daughter while I went to hospital. I think my mother got it just right. She came to stay the day after the baby was born. She helped out in all sorts of ways and went to bed from 7pm to 11pm so that my husband and I could have some time together and so that she would be able to get up in the night with the new baby. By the time she went home 9 days later, I had been able to have unbroken sleep every night and felt ready to take on the responsibilities of a mother to a toddler and new baby. My husband thought my Mum was brilliant too. Sadly she died very suddenly when she was 54.

Mehimthem,

I smiled when I read this, it took me back to the births of my own children. My Mum had been a midwife and very much wanted to be at the birth of her 1st grandchild. I was adamant she would NOT be, she would be critical and tell everyone "it wasn't done like that in my day". She came to stay for a 'few days' and soon upset my midwife and health visitor, my husband and me. When our second child was born she came to look after the eldest while I was in hospital. She fed him some undercooked chicken and gave him food poisoning! So I went home to one very unwell and unhappy little boy and a husband at the end of his tether. Shortly before the birth of our 3rd child my Mum was with us for a regular weekend visit when it snowed very heavily. Two days later the baby arrived. Two months later Mum was still with us, her flat had been damaged by burst pipes and she couldn't return until it was fixed, redecorated and dried out. On top of which she had bronchitis! So now I was looking after Mum, a new baby, a toddler and coping with the school run every day, and an irritable husband who just wanted his home and family back!! My husbands parents never once offered any help, in fact they NEVER EVER offered to babysit for us while our kids were young.

We are now grandparents ourselves and we live 150 miles from our children & grandchildren - we moved, not them. We keep in regular contact and they visit us several times a year either for a weekend or a week or two. They come because they want to see us, not out of a sense of duty. We look forward to them coming, and although it can be hard work catering for 14 people everyone helps out and its great fun, and we are genuinely sorry to see them leave.

I think no matter how close our family relationships are we all need a bit of space sometimes, and long distance relationships with grandchildren can work, just a little differently to how we might have expected.

You're getting this out of proportion. Just leave them alone and I bet they'll be begging for help in a week or two!

When visiting my children for whatever reason or occasion, I never stay in their home unless it's a day visit.
Anything longer and I book into a b&b, where I can have breakfast alone and let them get on with their morning routine.
There's no feeling that they have to 'entertain' mum 24/7 and I can go to bed and get up when I please.
It works very well although they insist that I can stay with them. It's my choice not to.
I feel that they can be themselves more if mum isn't there to hear any disagreements they may have or conversations they may rather I not hear.

I would take comfort from the fact that apparently you are wanted back there fairly soon, I can't quite make out if you were told to go home or whether it was just a suggestion, maybe them feeling it was all too much for you? Now husbands/partners get time off for baby's arrival I suppose the extra female in the house is not always needed on day one at home but obviously you can't just visit for an hour or two. I hope everything calms down a bit and you are on your way to visit soon.

That's a really nice, considered reply OldMeg

Always wait to be asked making it clear you are there when needed. Might not be to your liking but its their life not yours.

I'm glad it's all sorted now. I would never ever stay in my daughters or sons homes. It's too much pressure. I can't imagine what it was like having 8 people when they had a new baby. Even if they did ask you, they hadn't thought it through properly. You live and learn!

So glad to read it’s sorted. Take a step back. Fall outs are so stressful, I know I’ve been there. Enjoy your new GC. lucky you.

Yes, take a deep breath and a step back for now ... just let them know that you are there when they need you. Empathy all round is needed ?

I think it will sort itself out when you've had a few days normality and peace back home and when they have caught up on some sleep (usually baby gets into a routine and settles better in a couple of weeks) Just don't bother trying to "sort things out" between you till that time comes cos in my experience attempts to sort out misunderstandings just lead to further rows if attempted too soon.

Agree with Meg. You’ll be the fun long distance special granny. Also agree with Bluebelle, I don’t understand this need to be at the birth and then to be totally involved in their lives.
I lived in Australia when my eldest children were born, husband and I managed perfectly well between us. A weekly phone call to parents to keep them updated was just right. Returned to the UK for birth of youngest, was grateful for baby sitting of older ones when I went in to labour but could have done without the territory marking of grandparents. Moved 100 miles away within 12 months so that we could get on with our lives. They visited us four times a year and we went to them in between so it was always a special treat for the children and worked well for us.
I leave mine to get on with it although they seem to need their mothers far more than we ever did. We’re there when they call but otherwise we crack on with our own life.

What 'closeness' do you think has gone then? Seems to me that they included you in a rather busy household at a time of emotional overload and chaos. You were part of all that and your son rang you and spouted off a bit when he was stressed out, that my dear is family life.

I blame the 'Waltons' all sitting on their mountain, having the inter generational love -in, esconced in huge house and being philosophical, real life isn't life that, it is bloody and messy, loud and alarming at times, full of random upsets.......and joys of course.

Sounds to me as if you are close, just get on with it. Turbulence is family life, mostly it doesn't last and the less you read into it the better.

Ask them where they want you to stay when you go back, offer a B&B if you can afford it, accept they might want you back in with them, if they are trying to make up to you for what became heated.

Don't let trivial things start you all on the wrong path, this is a blip nothing more.

Don't despair . My DH invited MIL to stay and help.
me when I had my first child. We ran a hotel, which was fully booked, so MIL slept in a partitioned part of our room. After 5 days of struggling with baby I shouted at MIL so she took herself off home. We visited as soon as I felt able and 18 months later she cared for DS when we had to make a trip abroad that wasn't suitable for young children. All turned out well in the end.

That sounds better, sometimes too much help is , well, just too much.

thanks for all these comments - time (& a bit of distance, lol) helps with a more common sense approach since I posted. I'm back at work now, DS has phoned & all seems good - as much as it can/will be I think. A lot of tension, very tired parents & lots of parents all trying to help was just too much, & this is for the best now - I think a few of us were just too optomistic about how things were going to work out. I/we will go visit some time in the future but we wont be staying there & that way we all keep our own space & it will be much better all round.

I had a baby 6 months ago, and having a house full of 8 people at the time would have sent me crazy. If you can, maybe book into a hotel to stay at when you return, at least until the baby is older. With trying to establish breastfeeding and dealing with the not so pleasant after effects of childbirth, I didn't want my own mom staying in my house when DD was born, and although my MIL is a lovely woman, I couldn't have coped with her there either. Its a stressful time, especially if they have older kids to juggle as well. Book into a hotel and offer to take the older kids off their hands for a bit maybe?

Same story. Have never properly got over it but like Meg says, you can carve out a granny role as time goes by. I did try talking with son & DiL by email which helped but could have backfired. Good luck.

When I stayed for the birth of my first GD, I overnighted in a local hotel, that way the family had space in the evenings and I was there for the breakfast chaos and to give my DD a lay in.
Please listen to the advice from the others, most of us have been there and done it, so many other posters have gone home and stewed about this very subject and have ended up estranged from their families due to a simple misunderstanding. They are the ones going through an exhausting and stressful time, not you.

So many heightened emotions, no wonder there has been both confusion and upset. Personally I’d hate being so crowded but we’re all different. You could indeed suggest you stay close by to help, if that is possible present it in a way that is supportive of them rather than critical of their home. Ask what would help them, say you would love to help, but do be honest if it works for you, certainly travelling back and forth seems very hard work but I suspect most of us would do it if needed and we were able to. Once this initial period is over and everyone has settled into a routine life will get easier all round. Don’t take things too much to heart, early days yet.