Son in law’s parents.

Yearoff iam sure you feel unhappy about certain things that have happened but I still think and I hope others do as well that in the end it’s the children that get hurt in the end listening to negative talk from parents, grandparents about other close family members. It’s their little hearts iam only interested in not the adults. When will society learn that children are hurt and damaged by the adults around them always arguing , moaning or fighting. Thank God my mum God rest her soul never made me feel like I had to choose between people who I loved when I was a child

Really sad story. Thank goodness SiL is one to be a good husband and father.

I have a son and a daughter, and am very lucky to have a wonderful DiL. She has a lovely mum, she and I meet up together whenever we can. All we care about is making life as easy as possible for the family of 3 who are so important to us.

Dontaskme. I don’t have a claim that I’m stating. It was a figure of speech. My DD’s husband was in pieces after the birth of THEIR baby. Also I gave them as much space as they both wanted when my DD got home from hospital. I also can’t see what my SIL would have to gain by making up stories about his mother. But, hey, I did ask for opinions and each one is valid.

Yearoff what a shame this has happened, when you should all be enjoying the birth of this precious baby instead you have all the agro. I pleased that your SIL is being firm and I do hope everything goes well.

Yearoff you say you spoke to dil parents how the labour was going. I think your sil should have kept his own parents informed. I think maybe you have got too involved in how the other grandparents are informed about the grandchild. I know it’s your daughter and you were worried about her at the time but I do feel from you a dislike of the other grandparents. At least they bothered to go to the hospital as there’s lots of people without any family support out there and would love it if someone made a fuss about them and brought them a gift. Try and look at the positives in the situation and ignore the rest. I hope your daughter better now. Good luck

Yearoff no, I didn't say you were lying, I said that unless you actually hear it yourself take it with a pinch of salt. As you have just re-confirmed above you personally did not hear the comment - "she was on the phone to her DS and it was him who told me". I am a GP. I have a Son who has children and so have experience of being the paternal side. All I am saying is if you hear it, fair enough, if not then its still he said she said. There re two sets of GP's whether you like it or not and I think you may be too involved in what goes on in the new parents lives. If they have an issue with anyone that's for them to sort out, not you. You stake your claim so clearly in your last line...."My DD has been through hell since the birth of HER child".

Gosh family conflict and different perspectives are so difficult. I have 3 DD and 3 sets of SIL I get on well with all 3 (I make it my business to do so) at the end of the day all GP are there to love the DGC and should have their best interests at heart. My SIL families often have different values to my own but we respect the differences. Youngest DD has a partner whose parents are Tory supporters for example while I am an outright leftie, we can still be pleasant and respectful of each other ?

Radicalnan. The point of the giant balloon was the insensitive nature to come bounding into intensive care with a balloon of any sort never mind one about 3ft high. The timing was wrong. And they were aware of how grace the situation was as I spoke to them regularly myself throughout her Labour. As I said I’m a mother in law myself and I’m aghast at her behaviour. I actually asked my DIL if I had ever upset her over the last 7 years!

Dontaskme. Lying isn’t one of my traits. I can assure you the breastfeeding comment was said by the MIL. She was on the phone to her DS and it was him who told me. I’m ot in any competition with my DD’s MIL. The point of my post was to get views from other Grandparents. My SIL is s lovely boy and I’m very grateful that he and I get on well. I would have liked his DM to have got on better with my DD. I’m sure there are two sides to this story but I’m only able to state mine. My DD has been through hell since the birth of her child. I just wish her DH’s parents had been more considerate and this situation wouldn’t have got so out of hand.

I agree with you Dontaskme. Too many nasty gossiping people about. Should be careful what you believe is truthful or not?

I'd be very careful at believing everything that you're told has supposedly been said or done. There are two sets of Grandparents and they should be treated, as far as possible, as equals. I doubt very much that any of them would say "she's always breast feeding" etc etc. Just sounds plain spiteful on your behalf tbh and think you should leave it to the new parents to sort out. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd want to be involved. Don't be nasty or exclude the paternal side of the family and unless you hear it yourself take it with a pinch of salt.

At the end of the day, people in life are somewhere on a scale from absolutely delightful to straight from hell. They do not change because they become parents in law. Mothers of sons and daughters are each as various as the rest of the population, no generalisations can be made

The moral is for every couple to vet each others parents before they move in together, or get married and break-up if the PiL look like trouble.

Bibbity
Wow!
That's a bit strong.
No need for that kind of language.

Coco51 that’s rubbish mothers of sons don’t just forget them just because they have a wife / partner. Both sons and daughters need their mothers all their lives . Also mothers of daughters should try and get on with the other grandparents instead of treating as a competition. I feel sorry for the children who get caught up in all the fighting. It happens far too much

If a man's wife comes before his mother and family, then why not a wife's husband coming before her mother and family. Why has the man got the instruction of family priority and the wife no reminders to think of her spouse?

This is such a horrible situation for you and you must feel you are treading on eggshells. While you have to be protective of your young parents I think I do really believe in least said soonest mended. My SIL is hard to get on with, he’s very negative and things never seem to be going well for him. My DD is endlessly patient and supportive but, much as I would like to tell him a few home truths about how he is making their home miserable I don’t want there to be any justification for the thought that “your mother is always causing trouble, I don’t want you to invite her here”. I bite my tongue and then worry if that is being fair to my DD and GDs.

It does sound as though you have the attitude that your DD and SIL depend on. I do hope that as time passes the situation will ease and become less problematic.

What would you like to do about all this? In a way its their problem not yours and I think you say your SIL has had to deal with problems before. What would your DD like to do? They are adults and only they can sort this one out, if I were you I would keep out of it as much as possible. They need challenging and told what the outcome of carrying on like this is going to be but not by you. Did you all get on before the baby arrived?

What the hell?!

OP get your daughter to post on Mumsnet and get some advice.

Although my response to her inlaws would be 'off you fuck'

My philosophy is that the more people that love my DGD the better so it isn't a competition. If you let them know you love them they will love you back.

It is never fair on the SIL when the DIL does not respect his parents. He will feel torn between the two, even though his loyalty is with his wife, and even though in this case he has expressed agreement with her.

I have three sons, two of them married. They both have children. I get along really well with my DILs. They are lovely caring girls and I like to think of them as the daughters I never had. We are also very good friends with our DILs parents and are often invited to join them for their family celebrations. Although we all lived very near for a few years we are now ove 100 miles apart. When each of our grandchildren was born we expressed our delight but kept our distance to give them time to relax and enjoy those early days as a family, and only visited when invited. Someone once told me 'Make a friend of your DIL because she may be the one choosing your care home one day!' I would have no qualms about my DILs if that were the case.

However... our third son is not married but lives with his girlfriend and her child just a few miles from us, and they are expecting a baby later this year. She seems like a nice young woman but it is harder to get to know her as she is quite a private person and not a keen visitor. We have only been invited to their home once and have not yet met any of her family. I can telephone my son but his GF has not given me her number even though I asked for it. If he wants to visit us she has to drive him over as he doesn't drive -yet, and I think she'd like to keep it that way. She can be a bit controlling. So I am going to have to tread very carefully to build a relationship with her, and her son. We may have to accept that we are not as involved in their lives as we have been with our other sons. But hopefully Softly, Softly catchee friendship..!

I would think it only natural for a DIL to be closer to her own mother and I would never intervene in that. But I hope I have created warm and loving relationships with my DILs.

I genuinely dont understand the my mothers more important than your mother thing.Both should be treated as equals..they are both the childs GM .Sure some girls are closer to their own mum BUT shouldn't they make an effort to get on with the woman who gave birth to the man they love ? They will find themselves in that position one day .

When you’re married your parents come second, your spouse and children come first. Arguing back and forth creates no end of problems. My DH and I don’t have a lot to do with our SIL’s parents as there are a lot of problems within the family dynamic, but they still have our DGS’s welfare at heart and are never prevented from seeing him if they want. Perhaps a proper chat with both sets of grandparents by SIL and DD with guidelines laid down by them is what’s needed to stop the arguments.

I would hold one event, invite them both, and let them get on with it.
You wouldn't fiddle around having two Christmases for children who didn't get on, so it seems ridiculous to do it adults.

The talk of sharing the grandchildren makes me smile.

Mother and MIL despise each other so thoroughly that all birthdays, Christmas, other holidays have to be held (in full) twice because both of them would have a full meltdown if the suggestion they share the same airspace is even mooted.

MIL refused to attend DD2's baptism because we refused to hold a completely separate lunch for "her" family afterwards. This is after she attempted to prevent me attending the lunch after DD1's baptism by inviting (off her own back) a member of her extended family who in the context of a work issue, had made written threats to kill me and had received a police warning for such.

At the wedding they had to be in separate wedding cars, on two different tables, no joint family photos, not a look exchanged between them all day.

They don't do sharing.

The effect is that neither of them can be invited to any public grandchild event now or in future. No ballet recitals, school plays, anything. They will not be there if they cannot be the only grandmother.