Son in law’s parents.

Doesn’t mean you have to judge people though. If someone asked me what do you think of x and I didn’t know them I wouldn’t comment on whether they’re wrong or not. We know it’s a forum to chat .

Oswin you don't know both sides of the story, no-one does. The OP has asked for opinions but then doesn't like them if they differ from what she wants to hear. I have had things said about me in the past and I have been unfairly judged on the basis of someone elses version of events, so I am always wary of hearing one sided stories. I think that the OP obviously doesn't like the paternal gp's and even their obvious joy at the birth was, according to her, wrong - bringing a balloon was actually lovely and they didn't know it wouldn't be allowed. I also think the OP needs to calm down and stop being so involved in any issues that her adult daughter may have with her pil. Step away from the situation and let this baby have the happy relationship with all its Granparents it deserves and has the right to. As others have said there are enough estranged families already, don't encourage another one. There are two sides to every story.

How is turning up with a balloon a lovely thing to do when the baby’s mother is gravely ill in intensive care? Turn up to support your son, turn up with empathy and a shoulder to cry on for your fellow gran, but just for a while forget your excitement at becoming grandparents, remember there are others who are beside themselves with worry and at least pretend you care about your DIL.

I would find it very difficult to forgive anyone who showed such a lack of feeling for my daughter. I would try though, in the interests of future relationships and in the hope that people can change. This is something the DD and SIL have to sort out and I would try to remain as neutral as possible or at least keep my feelings to myself.

It was a balloon! Just a balloon! Did anyone say to them "don't bring a balloon"???? The hospital staff said they couldn't take it in, job done. Goodness me I wish someone had turned up with anything at all when I had my DS tbh, and yes, I was ill.
Anyway I've said my piece more than once and will finish with a message to OP - be careful what you wish for, don't get yourself too involved in another families issues (being you SIL & DD, they are a family in their own right) and be careful with what could end up being estrangement as that would be so so sad for the child. Children first. All GP's should be equal.

Nightowl I agree - good advice!

Imagine sat there in intensive care watching your wife hooked up to machines because of sepsis.
Thinking you could lose your wife. Your baby could lose her mom and your MIL could lose a daughter. What should of been one of the happiest day of your life is going to turn into hell for 48 hours, and then having your mom walk into intensive care with balloons!!

I'd be seething!

Well, surely if the husband was seething then that's his issue to deal with?!
It was a balloon, not a bomb!

It's insensitive. Who's brain completely bypasses that the new mom has contracted sepsis, could possibly die but goes out to buy balloons anyway and brings them into intensive care!

If the mother has recovered and the baby is flourishing, this couple need to grow up, stand on their own feet and make their own lives, and stop discussing everything with the determined -to -be -top granny.
It was a congratulations balloon, for goodness sake.

When my daughter was born and dying my lovely MIL said"never mind the next one will be a boy" awful thing to say and said directly to me so not a lie.However I realised she was stuck for something to say under difficult circumstances and although I never forgot it I didn't hld it against her .As luck would have it the first surviving baby was another girl...ans she had to wait another 10 years for that all important boy.BUT she loves them to the moon and back and thats all that matters .A balloon is hardly the crime of the century ..and they may well not have taken in how ill the mum was ...many people dont think there are dangers in childbirth nowadays because its never talked about ..they dont think babies die either ...even tiny prems are expected to live and be fine.We need to educate about the number of deaths around birth its still an issue ,just one nobody wants to hear .

I only have sons but it does seem to me that sometimes the mothers of daughters expect to be special people in their lives for ever. I'm not saying it doesn't and shouldn't happen just that perhaps they shoud examine their relationship with their daughter just as they expect mothers to do with their sons, and that none of our off spring benefit if what we create is a person unable to survive without our constant support, or unable to build a proper relationship with their partner because of a mum interfering. As for grandparents if you are near then be involved by all means but take a step back sometimes and leave space for the long distance GPs to spend time with their GCs without you around (and that applies if your a mum's or dad's parents.

Not asking this to stir things up (promise) but you ladies have that GP perspective I don't.

Do you think grandparents now have an expectation to be much more involved than in the past because so many of you provide childcare etc?

Thinking back, I saw one of my grannies about once a month, and the other one maybe once a year. I don't feel any lack and tbh I would not liked to have seen any more of them, either at the time or in retrospect. One of them is a dear wee soul so its not an animosity issue and I am neutral about the other. My grandfathers died during my childhood but that was not a significant event for me. This was about as often as I remember my other wee friends saw their GPs, so it wasn't just us.

I ask because it seems that the number one cause of strife mentioned on both sides of the GP/adult children dynamic is tha that GPs feel they should see the GC a lot more than the adult children either expect or facilitate. I also see a lot of emphasis being placed on a bond of love between GPs and GC when my own experience (and recollection of others experiences) was that we were not much bothered about them. I recall only one occasion in my whole time at school when a child was visibly upset by the loss of a grandparent. Is this also a change brought about by the change in GP role as they are now much more likely to be viewed as caregivers by the wee people and therefore declip that caregiver bond?

I personally feel we as a couple are under huge pressure to produce the kids for visits much more frequently than certainly my own parents produced us for visits with our GPs, and I am just wondering whether there has been some cultural shift in expectations. The GPs never have our kids (with the occasional exception of my dad) so they don't have that caregiver identification.

Mostly just a ramble that is passing through my mind during colouring in time!!

gummybears my granny ..my only surviving GP lived with us ...well my parents lived with her for 10 years before I was born and then when we got our own house she moved in with us .She was a massive part of my life ,a true inspiration and although she died over 40 years ago I still miss her and think about her daily.Today is her birthday ..she was born in 1888 and we were talking about all the changes she lived to see..a man on the moon being one of them and how much life has changed since she died .Today I will raise a glass to her ...a nice claret as that was her favourite .I hope my GC have even a fraction of the happy memories I have of my granny

oh and I've looked after all four GC since they were very small and the oldest is almost 15 ..wouldn't have it any other way.

Paddy, she sounds wonderful.

You have obviously been a close family through the years. That would naturally lead to different expectations and I hope many more years of happy relationships.

My parents own GPs lived with them growing up, I don't know why things were quite so different for us. I think you must naturally feel closer to any extended family that live with you even for a time.

Amazing what a lot of comments there are, about a balloon . I used to work in the Intensive Care Unit of a large hospital, and we'd have relatives asking if they could bring flowers. We'd say no, we can't have flowers in here because they clutter up the work area and could bring in bacteria. So they'd ask could they bring something else ? And our answer was "yes, a balloon would be fine, we can tie it to the bed ". So maybe that might answer the question of why they brought a balloon . Just a thought.

As the mother of both s ons and daughters, I think the reason Mothers of daughters eeem ot get more of a look in is because it is their child who has gone through the rigour of childbirth, and the natural inclination is to look after them. Sometimes all that 'extra' time is about looking after your own child. I have seen again and again that with the SIL mother it is often all about the baby and the mum is just the vehicle that carried it. I hope to Gof i am not like that when the time comes! The baby is a grandchild to both, so obviously both sets of grandparents are equally important, but the new mum often needs her own mother - please allow for that.

Not to completely derail this post, but in answer to gummybears - I think you’re (in some cases) exactly right. My dil had my dgs almost 10 months ago, and although I’m fortunate to have very regular visits, I’ve never been needed the way I expected (& hoped) to be. I’d heard one to many stories from friends about their grand parenting experiences, and assumed mine would be the same.

Paddyann it would have been my dear Dad’s birthday today too. When we have our Friday evening drink tonight we will be accompanying it with some sushi. He loved to try new things and I always have a mini celebration on the 23rd.

I have always tried to be a kind thoughtful MinL to my DinL, sadly she has rejected us her father hopes one day she will see the error of her ways, I’m not holding my breath.

Nonnie
some people like to give big balloons to celebrate
Can you explain to me what there was to celebrate when a young woman is in intensive care, potentially close to death with sepsis.

I do think in general Dils will be closer to their own Mums,mainly because they know each other’s ways so well.
But MiL s can be greatly valued & called upon, do what you can to help, tell them you are there if needed. Try never to get involved in a dispute , unless absolutely unavoidable . And smile, smile, smile.

My DIL has a good relationship with her parents, they are nice people and have stayed at my house. GS10 would love all of us, GPS, cousins, aunts and uncles from both sides of the family to live in the same street or even better in a row of terraced houses. That’s his dream.

From the very beginning I have treated my DIL more like a DD. She certainly has changed, our first conversation when she was 19 was her saying yes or no to anything I said to her. DS adored her from the minute he met her and she him.

I think the thing for us is DD knows I love her DC, I have always treated my GC equally. DIL and I get on, we like similar things, same type of food, we often go shopping together, just us. I get invited to visit, these school holidays I am taking two of my other GC to stay for the whole school holidays.

I am very grateful I have a lovely DIL. Now if we were talking about my DD’s FIL. DD was at the back of the line when it came to FILs. She didn’t get a nice one.

I think the thing to take from all the responses to my post is that some people get on better with their in laws than others. I was fortunate to get on with mine (both times). I’m not intent on being the no 1 gran. Just saddened by the upset that is happening (it should be the happiest time of all our lives) my DD (all my DC) will always be my priority and I take my lead from them how much they want/need my help. I sincerely hope for my DGD’s sake they all put their differences to one side and learn to get on with each other.

I felt a bit shocked when people thought it’s ok to be insensitive to the fact that Yearoff’s DD a) almost lost her life b) struggled to feed while recovering. It is true that some grans think their needs to celebrate their GC are far more important than anything else, which sadly, in yearoff’s DD’s case, it’s her feelings and her well being.
I’m sending my best wishes to you, your Dd and SIL, Yearoff. It’s not your DD’s or your fault that SIL didn’t want his parents to be there. It is certainly not your fault that your DD needed your support to help her to get through the hard time (while others only see it as ‘unequal treatment’ to paternal grandparents). Last but not least, it is definitely not your fault that your SIL was hurt by his parents and had to vent to you.

The MIL should be ashamed of herself not treating her son's wife with more sensitivity. In the old days new mothers died of sepsis and it can still kill. Her MIL should have behaved herself and waited a week or two until the new family had got themselves settled and your DD was fit enough to receive visitors.
Hope they are now all healthy and the baby thriving.