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Son in law’s parents.

(114 Posts)
Yearoff Wed 21-Mar-18 11:24:27

I’m asking other mums of sons here. Would you ever do anything to jeopardise your relationship with your son’s wife? My DD’s in-laws have been challenging to her since the very beginning. They have two sons (28 & 32) and are very controlling with both of them. Their engagement was hijacked, there were riots during the run up to the wedding (if his mum wasn’t involved in everything I did with my DD) and now they have just had their first child it has gone crazy. My DD contracted sepsis during the birth and was incredibly ill and in intensive care for 2 days. MIL arrived up after DGD was born with a giant balloon (nurses were aghast). My SIL asked them to go home and give his DW space and time to recover. A full hissy fit followed. DD has had a rough time - feeding wasn’t going well, she was still in recovery etc. Anyway, SIL’s parents had a huge fight with him about “not getting to see that baby!” And “her mother” being there more. I should explain I live in the same apartment block and was up in their house doing laundry, housework and making meals for them, not holding the baby. This has now horribly gone on for 4 months with terrible things being said to both my SIL and my DD. Strained visits by SIL’s parents and much stress to both my SIL and DD.
Mothers of sons - do you accept that your DIL will be closer to her own mum than you? Would you tread gently? (I’m a mother of 2 girls and a boy and have a good relationship with my DIL because I was gentle from the beginning- my own DM told me to make a friend of my son’s wife because I didn’t want to be a monster in law!)

Grammaretto Sun 25-Mar-18 15:54:46

I'm a mother of sons and luckily (I see now) like, but not been very close to, my dils and their parents. I think I may have a reputation for being scatterbrained and untidy (deserved) but no-one has told me except for DD!!. That's the thing, your DD can say home truths to you and will be forgiven but at that stressful time when you were all desperately worried, people can say and do awful things . Let's hope you can forgive and forget before the first birthday comes around. I am so glad your DD managed to feed the babe and to get well.

jura2 Sun 25-Mar-18 18:51:32

it is a difficult topic- but one I would never ever want to discuss on an open to all forum, where HQ owns our comments- ever.

cornishclio Sun 25-Mar-18 21:18:45

Incredibly insensitive of the MIL to turn up expecting to coo over baby while your DD is in intensive care with sepsis. There are people who are sadly so caught up in themselves they cannot see how things might look to others. Your sil and you must have been incredibly worried. My own sil contracted sepsis after a blood infection last year and we were all terrified.

My DD luckily gets on well with her MIL and we all try to get along and try not to let little niggles affect our relationship. My SIL is quite capable though of standing up to his mum if she gets a little bit over the top and both DD and SIL are very careful to give relatively equal access to DGC.

I think if your DD and SIL are now coping relatively well it might be nice for the PIL to see them a bit more now they might not need your help so much.

Yogagirl Mon 26-Mar-18 08:20:13

I don't believe for a second your d.i.l's in-laws said;
“I don’t care if your DW nearly died, we just want to see that baby!”
as for; “ we can’t get near that baby she’s always breastfeeding her! hmm their grandchild that they brought a massive balloon for as they were so excited at the birth of their DGC and they would call the baby that I don't think so.

Yogagirl Mon 26-Mar-18 09:02:14

OP, did your DD's in-laws know she had contracted sepsis after the birth of the baby before hand, or did they learn this on arriving at the hospital with the big balloon? Even with the mother unwell, shouldn't the birth of the baby still be celebrated? and I think you [op] are encouraging your poor s.i.l to turn against his dear parents, that are quite obviously thrilled to have a new grandchild, is it the first GC on both sides?

As for the advise from Bibbity to go on mumsnet for advise, I think we all know what that is; Cut them out!

Yogagirl Mon 26-Mar-18 09:17:05

Gummybear if you only saw one set of GP once a month and the other once a year you would not have a close relationship with them. Some GP are a big part of the GC daily/weekly lives and are very close, so are deeply missed when they go.

Yogagirl Mon 26-Mar-18 09:18:57

How lovely Paddyann wine for you & your dear nan wine

Yogagirl Mon 26-Mar-18 09:32:17

I hope your DD is fully recovered now Yearoff and that mother & baby are both doing well flowers

Please don't encourage your DD&S.i.l to cut out or go low- contact with the other set of grandparents, who clearly love their new GC & their son and maybe love your DD too, if you could only look through this ugliness aimed at them!

Cold Tue 27-Mar-18 21:43:04

Yearoff - I am sorry that you are getting such a hard time on here from some posters that think that their "grandparent rights" overrule basic, common decency!

I hope that dd and sil have recovered from the experience and are getting the support they need. Does the hospital offer debriefs? I found this helpful for post birth PTSD,

Of course it was nasty and insensitive of the IL's to come bounding into intensive care with a giant (germ carrying) balloon to the bedside of your DD who might not survive - who was probably not aware whether her baby had survived. Some people are just selfish and unable to put the needs of anyone else above themselves. That they criticised dd for breast feeding was also terrible behaviour - the baby is not a toy for their entertainment and insensitive to a new mother who had been through a terrible time.

I had a very traumatic delivery where dd and I spent the first night in different intensive care units and where my poor dh was left alone in the delivery room in shock with 6 pints of my blood on the floor. It took a long time to get over the birth and only supportive people were at all helpful. Luckily it was a Swedish hospital that did not allow GPs into intensive care, nor indeed the wards as I don't know if I would have coped to have been treated in such a shoddy way as your dd - as a mere incubator of grand children.

Cold Tue 27-Mar-18 21:46:41

Yogagirl: Even with the mother unwell, shouldn't the birth of the baby still be celebrated?

I think it is pretty insensitive to go overboard on "look at me" celebrations before you know that both mother and baby are going to live. Being in intensive care should be a clue even to the thickest visitors to tone it down for a day or two.

Yogagirl Wed 28-Mar-18 07:39:41

Cold the IL's to come bounding into intensive care with a giant (germ carrying) balloon to the bedside of your DD No way would this happen, they would not be allowed in, and if op's DD was feeding baby then confused

Yogagirl Wed 28-Mar-18 07:42:07

Sounds to me like the paternal grandparents were standing in the corridor!

eazybee Wed 28-Mar-18 09:50:00

The important thing is that the mother recovered from her illness; the baby is thriving, and all grandparents are delighted with the grandchild.
This incident needs to be forgiven and forgotten, not dwelt on, exaggerated, (bounding into intensive care: really) and used as a means of sowing discord between two sides of a family.
Celebrate the joy of a grandchild together, you lucky people!