@Justwokeup, I don't view my statements as contradictions. Trying to explain every detail on a forum is impossible. I was self employed for the last 30 years before my disability. At times I couldn't pay my parents back, others times I could. During times of fruitfulness I gave money to religious causes that I was passionate about and also tithed/ gave offerings when I could. I had extra money before my disability, then used that to subsidize myself for months after. I sold some of my things as well because I didn't want to have to ask my mom for help. I even worked soon after my surgey when it was almost impossible to do while it made it and the pain worse.
I'm receiving disability now, but it barely pays for rent, so I still have to work some (and social security takes half of that). My mom has been lending me some, and I'll be paying her back soon, which she understands.
Not agreeing with someone, (or even a large amount of people) does not make it a narcissistic trait. Im learning that many people look at things very subjectively and even project their own negative qualities onto people without realizing it. There are some that do the best they can with advice, and there are some who percieve the reality of whats going on much better. I could agree for the sake of agreeing, and although it might make me more likeable to some, it wouldn't be authentic. I do appreciate the more compassionate responses, even if they don't completely agree with mine.
I have volunteered at times. I have to reserve my body/energy for the little work that I do, which causes pain. I have been putting energy into gifts that dont aggravate my injury and hope they will bless someone when I'm ready.
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Mother's Will/am I wrong?
(206 Posts)Hi. I'm new to this forum and not a grandparent, but would like a grandparent's perspective. I'm in my 50's, have never been married, and don't have children. I recently became disabled not too long ago and talked to my mother about the possibility of setting up a special needs trust fund through her will. During the conversation she told me that my brother and I will be receiving 40% each, and that my nephew (my brother's son) will be receiving 20% of the total inheritance, (not 20% from my brother's share). I was honest about how this made me feel (in a respectful way) and told her that seemed an excessive amount for my nephew to be getting and that his share would take a substantial amount from my share. She got angry and told me that she had promised my dad before he died that she would create the will this way. It's been 10 years since his death and I explained that since I still wasn't married, didn't have children and now disabled that my dad if were still alive, would want to make sure I was taken care of and that he would've probably wanted my nephew to get less of a percentage. She said it didn't matter if this was right or fair, but that her keeping her promise to my dad was the priority. This hurt me very much since my mom knows I have been suffering alot because of my disability and I may never get married and have anyone to help me. She told me i was insulting her by saying this (which its always about the pain I cause her when I tell her about the pain she causes me). She hung up on me. I explained in an email afterwards more in depth but she won't respond.
My brother and his wife both make very good money and live in a very expensive home. My nephew and his wife both work and bought a home. I've been living very modestly renting studios/one bedroom apartments and usually can only afford the basic necessities. I've had to borrow money from my parents in the past, but it hasn't been on a regular basis, and I've only asked when I couldn't afford a car repair etc, not for any luxury items, clothes etc, but over the years it has added up. My mom also told me that what I owe her will be taken from my inheritance. Although I think this is somewhat fair, It seems somewhat harsh to me since they never paid for a wedding, gifts to a child from my end, or an education when they could've saved up for one, but didn't. They weren't rich, but maybe upper middle class, and they spent a lot of money on expensive cars, trips, furniture, swimming pool etc. Although they did give good gifts to us at Christmas /birthdays (nothing lavish) alot of money was spent on impressing their friends. They also told me that they didnt think a college education was necessary (yet my dad later told me that altgough i wasn't a doctor or lawyer, at least I wasnt on drugs or in prison....ha).
I am paying my mom back for her loaning to me because of my disabilty.
My nephew could end up receiving an inheritance in his lifetime from my brother and his wife (not his biological mom), his grandparents, his wife's grandparents, my mom, and then also his mom and stepfather, his wife's parents too. Its not my business, but I will only be possibly recieving an inheritance from my mom. His 20% will take a substantial amount from my share that I will desparately need in my life. It will also take from my brothers share, but my brother will benefit because it's his son.
Also, this has really added salt to my wounds because years ago, my parents received an inheritance from my grandfather through probate (he was bitter at his children and didn't leave a will). My parents were trying to hide from me that they received an inheritance but I found out in a serendipity sort of way from a friend of theirs, who thought I knew. I also found out that they were giving some of the inheritance to my brother and his wife, some to my mom's best friend's daughter, to my mom's house cleaner and a few thousand to their church (which I'm glad about that). But they didn't give any to me. My grandfather and I loved eachother and we were close growing up).
When I told my mother how this hurt me, she said she could do whatever she wanted since it was her money (which was true, I never wanted more than a nominal amount and to only be included). I then got a letter that week saying that they didn't want me in their lives.
2 years later I called them to reconcile and we haven't been estranged since then, but my wounds have now been reopened and it hurts. We might be facing estrangement again and her puting me out of the will altogether, which although may hurt me financially, would be very hard emotionally. For the record, I don't do drugs, get into trouble, sleep around or cause problems. I live a peaceful life as a Christian and, although not perfect by any means, feel that to most parents I would be a blessing. I call her regularly, give thoughtful gifts. Ironically, although I'm sure my brother loves her in his own way, he rarely calls her. She and my nephew aren't super super close, and although he's nice to her, he's never given her a gift and rarely thanks her when she gives him a gift. I think she resents me because I'm not married and haven't given her a grandchild, but these are things that have caused me pain ad well, especially as I get older. Ive often felt unloved by her growing up and my talents were not nurtured, (even sabotaged) and she was competitive with me.
My mom has a good side to her too. She gives generous gifts to everyone at Christmas, we've had many beautiful conversations where we talk about our faith alot, laugh, and have been a blessing to eachother. But she has an extremely stubborn side, can be hurtfu, has broken promises that were very important to me without admitting she's wrong and even told me after my disability began she wouldn't be loaning me money and told me that life was hard and that I would need to live in a shelter if I had to and give up my precious pet that is everything to me. Fortunately over time, she loaned me money and that didn't happen, and she's been a blessing in that way now. But now I'm struggling emotionally because of the Will issue. I would much rather have a family and a good close relationship with my mother, than alot of money.
Do you think I am being unreasonable about this?(Sorry about writing a book)
Any advice on how to handle this?
Jenpax, thank you. I think you gave sound advice and I appreciate your understanding. I want to emphasize that I would never want my brother to receive less than me. He has his own pain too, and It would make me feel awkward and hurt me for him to feel my parents favored me in this situation because of our financial differences.
Again, it's more about the favoritism shown to him and his side of the family and what I feel are personal punishments from my mother that aren't warranted. My nephew's share will benefit my brother and that 10% on my end could pay for a surgery I need. Add to that..what I can't pay back will be taken from my share yet they will be gifting my nephew a good amount of money that he obviously will never have to pay back. I'm not trying to rehash this, I just want to clarify better where I'm coming from.
I would like to get counseling from someone who specializes in NPD, and God has been helping me to process this and heal. I thought about things my mother had to endure and cried about them again today..they were beyond horrible. Unfortunately, it's impossible
to have intimacy with someone when they don't care about your pain. Our relationship will have to change and won't be as rewarding to each of us emotionally. That in itself may cause her to punish me further since I would be showing more control which would emphasize where she is wrong. So, in all honesty, she could still take me out of her will, and I just need to do my best and trust that God will take care of me.
Thx..You sound like a good mom.
Same here! Seems reasonable silverlining
I have done the same as your mum madgran. My grandchildren are individuals with whom I have a loving relationship and I want them to know I thought of them too when I wrote my will. My daughters then each get45% share.
My mum left 10% of her money to be shared between grandchildren , the rest split equally between me and my brother. Seemed entirely reasonable to me - just cant see why there is a problem. Its her money to do as she pleases!
Irishjig you see everyone who has put a different point of view to yours as unbelievably vitriolic and nasty
You have thought everyone who has the same point of view as you as wonderful caring and kind
You have self diagnosed your mum as Narsisstitic, totally unacceptable
Please tell me in just ONE sentence not a huge long post what is unfair about two siblings receiving EXACTLY the same inheritance ?
Look at yourself and admit you are massively jealous that your brother has a child and you don’t that is what all this hinges on that YOU don’t have a family of your own if you did Im sure your mums will would have read 10% to his child 10% to your child
You need to look hard into yourself and admit you are very very jealous and this is eating you up I know you will deny it to us, to your mum and even to yourself but it screams out of your posts, and it’s also totally understandable, it does not make you a nasty person because you feel upset and bitter at this but you do need to be totally honest with yourself and accept your own frailties before you point the finger at everyone else
Just one last question what Will would have satisfied you ?
I don't think that her parents have been partial or shown favouratism to her brother. A small percentage of their estate has been left to their only grandchild (My parents did that too) & for the OP to suggest to her mother that he should only be left a "nominal" gift leaves me well 
. The remainder of the estate is left equally between the 2 children.
One of my children is disabled & whilst we help where we can ( both financially & practically) I am afraid that if she approached me in the manner that OP has approached her mother she would get a similar response.
As PP have said life is not always fair I fear that the OPs rather petulant attitude is the reason for the frank nature of many of the responses on this thread.
I'm struggling to see how Irishjig has been treated unfairly. She and her brother will receive exactly the same amount. The nephew will also receive a segment. He is a separate entity, he isn't his father's possession.
As I said earlier, my MIL divided 25% of her estate amongst her grandchildren. The rest was divided equally between her children. It has never occurred to us to think we have been hard done by because the grandchildren inherited an amount of money that could have come to us. That's really bizarre thinking.
The OP has also indicted that it is her opinion that her mother has NPD. NPD can only be diagnosed by a health professional and it is now sounding to me as if the OP is diagnosing her mother as NPD because her mother won't do as her daughter wishes her to do.
MawBroon you are not wrong. I have followed this post with interest as I was very keen to read the responses.
My own immediate thoughts were that the poster was very money obsessed.
What would she do if no inheritance was coming to her - if her mother had no money to leave? How was she going to manage then? She would have to get on with her life somehow.
I really don't like the attitude of the original poster at all.
I can’t believe that a woman in her 50’s can be so obsessed by the money, that she has no right to expect.
If money was taken out of the equation would the OP still be in contact with her family? Somehow I don’t think so, however, although advice was asked for, the poster doesn’t want advice, just looking for validation for her actions.
Not getting any from me.
Don't worry MawBroon. You're not wrong. Is she being unreasonable? Yes.
Thank you for the age, I had missed that.
So presumably Mum is in her 70’s (OK guessing here) so not necessarily going to be shuffling off this mortal could for a wee bit.
This fixation with inheritance is so Victorian I find it hard to understand. If OP and her brother are getting equal shares, what is the problem?
If grown up nephew is getting a % presumably the mother has her own reasons (young family? Low earner? Starting out?)
He is no longer the brother’s responsibility so what is the problem, other than a rather skewed idea of fairness as interpreted by Irishjig.
Who is to say what the mother had in mind but OP clearly does not think she is getting enough.
That is exactly why I used the word ^ mercenary^
Yes, it is a matter of interpretation, but its being interpreted by some as a final insult, or way of showing that the op isn't thought as highly of as the brother.
My take on it is that they are getting exactly the same amount, so no favouritism.
The money left to the nephew is neither here nor there: presumably he isn't going to hand it over to his parents, so they won't be getting 'extra' in any way.
Irishjig: you seem to have ignored my response which aimed to bring reality into all that emotion. Maybe that is because you do not want to know, which in turn begs the question of why you asked in the first place.
Sorry , in her 50’s
OP says she is 50.
mercenary meaning, definition, what is mercenary: interested only in the amount of money that you can get from a situation
I think when I said hung up on money it expressed how it looks to me. That is what OP is moaning about.
We have no idea of the ages of OP, her Mum or her brother so there is no way fbknowing whether OP is talking about the near or distant future.
There is an emphasis on money and material things e.g. the assumption that life is cheaper in the U.K. than in the US, not that I thin that is relevant.
I think the mother was wrong to share this with OP (cf King Lear and see where that got him) but bearing in mind that she has had financial help in the past, perhaps the mother thinks she is being quite fair.
TBH there may be a lot of breast beating about wanting a good relationship , but the overall tenor of the post is financial
Are we talking millions? Tens of thousands, Thousands?
OP does not share but goes on about the % going to her brother and herself.
Mercenary?
I fear so.
And if the thread title is AIBU? well, one is at liberty to answer Yes.
Well that’s a matter of interpretation in two ways - the son’s side of the family is getting more and secondly equally doesnt mean fairly
The money is being shared equally between the two siblings though.
Wow Maw judgemental or what? What does ‘mercenary’ actually mean? It’s a very harsh word in this situation. I think MOs nailed it actually.
You sound totally hung up on your financial expectations and equating them with parental affection.. Well, research has shown that, even in cases where the adult child receiving little or nothing has been consulted by the parent and the reason explained and they were happy with the decision (child missed out has had considerable financia successs, or aanother child has severe disabilities), they still find they have to fight off feelings of rejection when the will is applied after the death of their parent, even though they understood and knew in advance.
I think many people on this thread are underestimating how far people instinctively see the Last Will and Testament as the ultimate judgement of the parent of the value they put on their children and been shown to not be in favour on a prents death, can be deeply psychologically damaging.
It has always been clear to me that the OP was upset by the will, not because of the money but because it would demonstrate publicly how partial her mother had been in life, a partiality, not for her, that would continue after death. On death, all that remains is money and the distribution of this money reflects the feelings of the will maker and the person discriminated against has to live with that
Surely we have had enough threads on GN about how damaged and denigrated GN posters feel/have felt at the hands of parents, especially mother's who have made it clear that they have no value in their mother's eyes to understand where this OP is coming from.
What you mean is, thank you to the few who sympathised with you, and to hell with the rest! Ha ha.
Some people don't want to see what's right in front of their noses... oh well, we did try ........
It’s MawBroon , Irishjig and no, I don’t agree that I am.
You sound totally hung up on your financial expectations and equating them with parental affection.
Mercenary too.
As I said before this isn’t really about money, my feeling is that you must, for your own well being, address your issues that you have with your mother. It is unlikely you will change her but you can change the way you cope with this and how it makes you feel seek counselling on this or you will carry on feeling hurt and wounded and that won’t help you.
It seems that we have different ways of looking at what a will represents! to me the legacy I received from my parents was a bonus, and I didn’t rely on it. this was not because I had been given an easy ride in life, far from it! I was bringing up 3 daughters largely alone and only able to work part time because my DH had a serious health condition, but I realised that my parents didn’t owe me the money and was grateful for my legacy when it came. Like you I would have swapped it though to have them back ?
I believe that the best way I can show my children that I love them in terms of the will is to treat them all equally. In most families there will be one child who does less well materially than the others either through a turn of fate or through choice of career I don’t believe that this means one child should receive less than the other. I can see that this is not how you look at it and I sense an anxiety about the future for you which is at the root of the issue as well as your hurt in your family relationships.
For your information it is not cheap living in much of the U.K. here an average 1 bed flat is around £650-700 a month and average salaries only around £20,000 per annum. The difference here is that we do have a welfare system and thank God free health care! All I can say is try to make as much provision as you can for your senior years and invest any legacy that you do receive wisely. In the mean time try to get counselling for your own hurts and work on building a relationship with your mum while you still have her. Believe me time goes so quickly
Ok, wow, Im done! I do want to say that Ive learned a lot about bareing my soul on the Internet!!! I really didn't think I sounded bitter, miserable and greedy. I was hurting and yes, angry, and it had just happened. Perhaps I shouldve gone to a "children of NPD" forum, as I believe my mom has this disorder , and they would probably understand the family dynamics better there. She had come from a violent background and I've tried to nurture her about her past, and have cried for that hurt little child her. Im a kind person, have tithed/given money to to causes, even when I couldn't afford alot. I've walked up to homeless people and handed them money, even when it was the last five I had . I have never tried to take advantage of my mom. To those who are judging me harshly, I would say you need to look into your own hearts.
I'm not totally sorry I posted here. I've learned a lot more about human nature from this thread. I re read my posts and honestly cannot see what some people saw. I'm sorry it was so long, I wanted to try to give an accurate picture...I do tend be too long winded when I write and want to cover every basis.
My mother is not my cash cow. Things happen in life and sometimes single women need help, at least in the US. It sounds like UK is much cheaper to live there. Unless someone has a really high paying job here, it can be tough, especially if you aren't married or living with a partner. As a Christian, I won't live with a partner. I'm not passing judgment on anyone who does, but it does make a huge difference in someone's financial situation . Three
years ago, rent for a single 500sq ft. Studio was $500-600. Now they run 900 to 1000 and I'm living in a cheaper part of my state.
I forgot to mention that my mom had told me that my dad had told her on his deathbed to help me financially after he passed. But I never tried to take advantage of that. I just needed help once in a great while for rent or car repairs but this was not on a normal basis. I was self employed and certain times were bare, and other times more fruitful, but most of the time i took care of myself. (My mom now has said that he didnt tell her to help me which I find is odd ). Perhaps my father thought this would even out with my nephews share, and thought he was being fair towards me.
To clarify: It has absolutely nothing to do with me not wanting my brother getting his share! (he and his wife were given something from my grandfathers house when I was not). Ive also told my mom that my brother might need that extra 10% if he needed it in his elder years.. it wasn't just about me. Even so, I would have been happy for my nephew to be acknowledged in some way but with a nominal gift.
To the ones who've suggested that I can't wait for my mom to die is more than cruel... it'a beyond nasty and it tells me way more about you. I dread the day my mom passes. Ive cried about it already even though she is healthy! You don't know what's in my heart, I will be devastated and honestly don't know how I'll cope.
Many of you are looking at this somewhat subjectively, from your your own experiences and maybe disappointments and i think some are projecting their own issues about greed onto me. People tend to judge/ fill in gaps so easily without knowing the facts (I noticed this from another thread re: inheritance) I never said I would confront my brother or nephew about this. Nor did I say or even imply that because of my financial situation or disability that I deserved more than my brother.
I'm sorry some of you are anxious about Wills now, that was not my intention. I'm hoping if anything, my post will help some of you to think about what's fair to your family. To be sensitive, and to not threaten your kids or punish them with your Will. To me, it's simple..give to your kids first and foremost, you gave birth to them and even if you don't like them or are angry, bless them anyway .No matter how old they are, they will always crave your love, even if they don't admit it. Then they can bless their own children appropriately (or at least have a family talk if you want
to include your grandkids).
Thank you so much to the posters who had the sensitivity and compassion to see my situation. I cannot begin to tell you how healing that is for me.
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