Hi. I'm new to this forum and not a grandparent, but would like a grandparent's perspective. I'm in my 50's, have never been married, and don't have children. I recently became disabled not too long ago and talked to my mother about the possibility of setting up a special needs trust fund through her will. During the conversation she told me that my brother and I will be receiving 40% each, and that my nephew (my brother's son) will be receiving 20% of the total inheritance, (not 20% from my brother's share). I was honest about how this made me feel (in a respectful way) and told her that seemed an excessive amount for my nephew to be getting and that his share would take a substantial amount from my share. She got angry and told me that she had promised my dad before he died that she would create the will this way. It's been 10 years since his death and I explained that since I still wasn't married, didn't have children and now disabled that my dad if were still alive, would want to make sure I was taken care of and that he would've probably wanted my nephew to get less of a percentage. She said it didn't matter if this was right or fair, but that her keeping her promise to my dad was the priority. This hurt me very much since my mom knows I have been suffering alot because of my disability and I may never get married and have anyone to help me. She told me i was insulting her by saying this (which its always about the pain I cause her when I tell her about the pain she causes me). She hung up on me. I explained in an email afterwards more in depth but she won't respond.
My brother and his wife both make very good money and live in a very expensive home. My nephew and his wife both work and bought a home. I've been living very modestly renting studios/one bedroom apartments and usually can only afford the basic necessities. I've had to borrow money from my parents in the past, but it hasn't been on a regular basis, and I've only asked when I couldn't afford a car repair etc, not for any luxury items, clothes etc, but over the years it has added up. My mom also told me that what I owe her will be taken from my inheritance. Although I think this is somewhat fair, It seems somewhat harsh to me since they never paid for a wedding, gifts to a child from my end, or an education when they could've saved up for one, but didn't. They weren't rich, but maybe upper middle class, and they spent a lot of money on expensive cars, trips, furniture, swimming pool etc. Although they did give good gifts to us at Christmas /birthdays (nothing lavish) alot of money was spent on impressing their friends. They also told me that they didnt think a college education was necessary (yet my dad later told me that altgough i wasn't a doctor or lawyer, at least I wasnt on drugs or in prison....ha).
I am paying my mom back for her loaning to me because of my disabilty.
My nephew could end up receiving an inheritance in his lifetime from my brother and his wife (not his biological mom), his grandparents, his wife's grandparents, my mom, and then also his mom and stepfather, his wife's parents too. Its not my business, but I will only be possibly recieving an inheritance from my mom. His 20% will take a substantial amount from my share that I will desparately need in my life. It will also take from my brothers share, but my brother will benefit because it's his son.
Also, this has really added salt to my wounds because years ago, my parents received an inheritance from my grandfather through probate (he was bitter at his children and didn't leave a will). My parents were trying to hide from me that they received an inheritance but I found out in a serendipity sort of way from a friend of theirs, who thought I knew. I also found out that they were giving some of the inheritance to my brother and his wife, some to my mom's best friend's daughter, to my mom's house cleaner and a few thousand to their church (which I'm glad about that). But they didn't give any to me. My grandfather and I loved eachother and we were close growing up).
When I told my mother how this hurt me, she said she could do whatever she wanted since it was her money (which was true, I never wanted more than a nominal amount and to only be included). I then got a letter that week saying that they didn't want me in their lives.
2 years later I called them to reconcile and we haven't been estranged since then, but my wounds have now been reopened and it hurts. We might be facing estrangement again and her puting me out of the will altogether, which although may hurt me financially, would be very hard emotionally. For the record, I don't do drugs, get into trouble, sleep around or cause problems. I live a peaceful life as a Christian and, although not perfect by any means, feel that to most parents I would be a blessing. I call her regularly, give thoughtful gifts. Ironically, although I'm sure my brother loves her in his own way, he rarely calls her. She and my nephew aren't super super close, and although he's nice to her, he's never given her a gift and rarely thanks her when she gives him a gift. I think she resents me because I'm not married and haven't given her a grandchild, but these are things that have caused me pain ad well, especially as I get older. Ive often felt unloved by her growing up and my talents were not nurtured, (even sabotaged) and she was competitive with me.
My mom has a good side to her too. She gives generous gifts to everyone at Christmas, we've had many beautiful conversations where we talk about our faith alot, laugh, and have been a blessing to eachother. But she has an extremely stubborn side, can be hurtfu, has broken promises that were very important to me without admitting she's wrong and even told me after my disability began she wouldn't be loaning me money and told me that life was hard and that I would need to live in a shelter if I had to and give up my precious pet that is everything to me. Fortunately over time, she loaned me money and that didn't happen, and she's been a blessing in that way now. But now I'm struggling emotionally because of the Will issue. I would much rather have a family and a good close relationship with my mother, than alot of money.
Do you think I am being unreasonable about this?(Sorry about writing a book)
Any advice on how to handle this?
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