Mother's Will/am I wrong?

Your mother has decided on the division of her assets and although you obviously don't think it is fair at the end of the day it is her decision. You have not been abandoned but seem to think this is a reflection of her feelings for you. Well she hopes you will be cared for as a result of her legacy so surely that must be enough? Try to look at it from a positive point of view and move forward to hopefully spending some peaceful time with your mother, unclouded by negativity.

Irishjig, in your comment of 8:35am you say you believe you are right in this matter. I wonder why you have come here to ask for opinions if you think that? Or is there a seed of doubt in your mind?

If your mother has a professional diagnosis of NPD then you must know that she can't help it, changing her mind is going to be very difficult and I think for your own peace of mind you must put aside the money aspect and look to having the best relationship you can with her.

Have you spoken to your church minister to help you come to terms with this?

Many contradictions here. You say your DM has helped you out and lent you a lot of money over the years, yet you have been generous to her, to charities and given gifts to friends' children etc, so at some time you have had spare money yourself. Not sure about the timescales, perhaps you were struggling financially more in some years than others, but why didn't you begin to save for your future when you were able? You say you are disabled due to surgery, yet it's not clear whether this prevents you working and supporting yourself. You have accused your mother of narcissism and yet you cannot acknowledge that any of the opinions here which conflict with yours may have some worth. You also say your relationship with your family is worth more than the money. So why are you fretting about the money when it may never happen anyway? Lots of examples on this thread about thwarted expectations. Perhaps you need to make more effort to manage money better, invest in friendships as well as family, maybe try volunteering to get some perspective. I have been in your position - single and responsible for myself, and it's easy to dwell on your own point of view to an unhealthy extent. On the other hand you are able to make choices without compromising. IMO you might try to get help to look at the causes of your distress. It must be a shock to become suddenly disabled and worried about your future.

I don’t think we should tell people they are lucky to be inheriting anything with the implicit assumption they shouldn’t be complaining. We are all in different financial positions on GN but just because some are ‘luckier’ than others it doesn’t mean they should accept whatever happens to them

Purely on the financial side of your concerns (as opposed to the emotional side) you are very lucky to be inheriting anything. My husband and I, in our 70s, are now paying for my MIL's carehome out of our own savings as she has no money left.

You are being unreasonable, although I can see why you are upset. Your mother made a promise to your father. Perhaps she shouldnt have made that promise but having done so its not unreasonable to keep it. If you must feel resentment it should be directed at your dead father.

You need to accept that life isnt fair. You've told your mother this upsets you, you shouldnt mention it again.

The love of money may not be quite the root of all equal but it is certainly the cause of a lot of it.

You dont mention the nature of your disability or if there is any hope of improvement. If there is then it would be a loving thing for your mother to support any treatment that might help you become more able to support yourself.

Mawbroom..I think your truly lacking insight about my situation.

Poppyred..you don't have to read it. Try to be kind.

@Jaycee, I did not ask about the will. She offered to tell me and in no way was I prying. This is about favoritism.

I there a delete button for this thread??

It is not judging you, I was trying to explain that while the way you have been treated compared to the rest of your family may not be fair, you can still do something to repair your family relationships before it is too late. By the sounds of it, that will have to come from you and I know how that feels as I have had to do it myself in the lasy year and I totally understand how having a disability can cost more money to deal with - been there too. I was trying to say, let it go now as the only person who is hurting is you and that won't stop until you do let it go and move on from it, however small the steps are to begin with. I HAVE been in your shoes to a large extent so giving advice based on that: up to you what you do with the advice.

Oldwoman70.
Thank you for posting and your empathy. Its so nice to not be called a miserable greedy person! Lol. I think only people in our situations can really understand. My mom has subtly held the will issue over my head at times too and hurts, doesn't it. I'm planning on moving on from this as well. Take care.

Treating people equally isn’t the same as treating them fairly is it? Or at least, it’s one definition of equality but not the definitive one. The fact that OP has a disability and lives in the US is absolutely relevant here but even in this country, if I were in her DMs position I would take that into account in how I divided my estate - a disabled child would definitely get more. Also I think the phrase ‘it’s her money to do with as she likes’ is very superficial and trite. Of course it’s true at one level but I think when we draw up our wills we have responsibility to think how that will impact on those left after we’ve died and the emotional aspect of the legacy. I agree that there are lots of complex aspects to this particular case but the OPs DM sounds to play power games with the money - for example the threat not to help when the disability problems started. How could that not hurt you enormously? Some of you seem to have missed the fact that money loaned has/is being paid back. To be practical in this situation I’d say to OP that given your DM is capable of playing games over money and using her power there, I’d just keep quiet in case she further whittled down my 40%.

Urmstongram, thank you for understanding about the issue of favotism. Some posts have truly been very harsh. I was upset, but I'm not mixed up. I know my family situation and still believe I'm right in regards to this.

Irishjig I recognise the issues you talk about, preference for my older brother, nothing I do is ever good enough, controlling behaviour even violence in the home as I was growing up. If arranging a "guilt trip" were an olympic event my mother would be world champion. Like you I have no children however, I have maintained a reasonable relationship with my mother. She has mentioned her will in the past but I have stopped her and said I didn't want to know (although she has managed to let me know that everything will go to my brother and his children). I used to feel the way you do but have realised that she is never going to change, I can either let her lack of concern for me fester and make me bitter, or I can just accept it and move on - I have chosen to move on.

Kitspur, thank you for your kind words and understanding.

Why do people think of an inheritance as theirs? It isn't yours until the person dies and in effect gives you a gift.
Be grateful, when and IF she leaves you anything. What anyone else receives is none of your business.

Spabbygirl, thank you so much. My mom has NPD disorder and there have been many subtle and not so subtle neglect, power plays/abuse. My father had good things about him too, but was also neglectfull and hurtful in ways. I think children like us "get it". We can see recognize issues more clearly because we've been through it. I'm sorry you've had pain too. Since this isue has to do with money and a Will, I think most people posting get passionate about the money part, coming from their own experiences and issues ,without really seeing what's behind the scenes in other people's situations. It seems common for people to blame children more than parents, but fortunately there are a few people who see it . I know, churches can't always help everyone and that's why the scriptures say to take care of your family when they're in true need. Ill pray blessings for you. Take care

I have to say reading your original posts and the subsequent ones that this is not really about money is it? This is about your feelings of being second best and that your mum has not considered you and your life. Unfortunately your very rambling posts were about the will instead of talking about the underlying issues and I think if you had said how you were feeling about your relationship with your parents you may have had a more sympathetic response. Your actual post focusing on money the provisions of someone else’s will and your anger came across as petulant and bitter and I don’t think this is what you intended.
I understand that things are a bit shoddy in the US especially as regards help for the poor and disabled of which there is virtually none? and for some reason your country does not consider universal free health care to be a priority for its citizens so I imagine the money you have borrowed from your mother was towards these unmet costs. However I have to say that as regards the will it is your mothers absolute petogative to leave her money anywhere she chooses and it was also your parents choice to spend your grandfathers inheritance as they wished Just as any money you receive will be yours to do with as you wish.
My advice would be to tackle your underlying feelings of rejection and of being second best more than focus on notional inheritances. I am sure your mum does not want you to feel second best she has obviously tried to help you out over the years in recognition of your disabilities. But it is entirely reasonable that she wants to leave some money to her only DGS and it’s not a huge percentage.
My own will (assuming it’s not all been used up in care home fees) will be split between my 3 AC as others have said it’s the fairest way and reflects that I love them all the same.

@Summerstorm. Wow, those are some nasty very harsh accusations. I'm not a greedy miserable entitled person as you say. To answer your question, yes I had been paying my mom back on a monthly basis before my surgery (which caused my disability) plus several hundred dollars in a lump sum right before my surgery. I've also paid a small monthly amount after surgery and will be paying her soon in full from back pay from disabilty. For several months directly after my surgery I sold personal items on ebay so I could subsidize myself without having to be a burden on my mom as long as I could. I hate to have to ask my mom for help. Disability barely pays for 1/2 the rent here in US now. Rents have skyrocketed in last few years due to home foreclosures and Medical doesn't pay for many things including specialize surgeries that I may need to have, There are very little doctors to choose from.
I'm trying.

I m afraid I can’t see why Irishjig or those who are agreeing with her are saying the will is unfair the brother and irishjig are getting EXACTLY the same ......what’s unfair about that ? Please explain that one
The problem is Irishjig you are sounding very recentful that the brother has a child and you don’t it sounds as if your mum only has one grandchild so isn’t it obvious she will leave a stake to him If she only has three close family members that makes entire sense ( my parents had one daughter and three grandkids I was left two fifths and each grandchild a fifth that seemed entirely fair )

Irishjig enjoy your life with NO expectations of anything at th end of it you are ENTITLED to nothing

irishjig , are you familiar with the play “King Lear”?

That was the first thing which sprang to mind and I would agree with those who say your mother is absolutely entitled to leave her estate to anybody she likes.
Of course if she lives long enough, there may be no estate as it could all be swallowed up in care home charges - what are your feelings about funding 40% of that -or would you still insist on a 50/50 split?
Sibling rivalry which last into and throughout adulthood is a sad and even worrying phenomenon. I don’t think,it is your mother who needs counselling alas.

As someone who had similar relationship problems with with my mother, I think a course of counselling will be a good idea with maybe a support group after that. It sounds as if the will is only a symptom of a bigger problem and talking it through in a situation where you know it'll go no further really does help.

Try to forget the will. In some ways it's like winning a lottery with good odds. There's always a chance it won't happen at all so you could have wasted a lot of unnecessary resentment and angst which only hurts you. It's difficult - I know! You posted about the will and got little support but it's now clear the will isn't the real problem, it's your family relationships and your feelings. Talking to someone in confidence will help get your head around this. Good luck.

Florenceflow, thank you.

@Starbird. Thank you for your understanding and beautiful post. I've processed a lot of it now, the wound was very fresh when I started this thread. I will have faith that God continues to take care of me. I've seen him do amazing things and he has blessed me in many ways in the past. I do believe my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I may look into getting counseling/ join a group for children with NPD parents. Blessings!