If my lot queried my will they would get a short answer . My possesions are my business , the fact that I help the poorest child goes unremarked , they do not seem to be depending on my demise , or if so , they are hiding it pretty well
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Mother's Will/am I wrong?
(206 Posts)Hi. I'm new to this forum and not a grandparent, but would like a grandparent's perspective. I'm in my 50's, have never been married, and don't have children. I recently became disabled not too long ago and talked to my mother about the possibility of setting up a special needs trust fund through her will. During the conversation she told me that my brother and I will be receiving 40% each, and that my nephew (my brother's son) will be receiving 20% of the total inheritance, (not 20% from my brother's share). I was honest about how this made me feel (in a respectful way) and told her that seemed an excessive amount for my nephew to be getting and that his share would take a substantial amount from my share. She got angry and told me that she had promised my dad before he died that she would create the will this way. It's been 10 years since his death and I explained that since I still wasn't married, didn't have children and now disabled that my dad if were still alive, would want to make sure I was taken care of and that he would've probably wanted my nephew to get less of a percentage. She said it didn't matter if this was right or fair, but that her keeping her promise to my dad was the priority. This hurt me very much since my mom knows I have been suffering alot because of my disability and I may never get married and have anyone to help me. She told me i was insulting her by saying this (which its always about the pain I cause her when I tell her about the pain she causes me). She hung up on me. I explained in an email afterwards more in depth but she won't respond.
My brother and his wife both make very good money and live in a very expensive home. My nephew and his wife both work and bought a home. I've been living very modestly renting studios/one bedroom apartments and usually can only afford the basic necessities. I've had to borrow money from my parents in the past, but it hasn't been on a regular basis, and I've only asked when I couldn't afford a car repair etc, not for any luxury items, clothes etc, but over the years it has added up. My mom also told me that what I owe her will be taken from my inheritance. Although I think this is somewhat fair, It seems somewhat harsh to me since they never paid for a wedding, gifts to a child from my end, or an education when they could've saved up for one, but didn't. They weren't rich, but maybe upper middle class, and they spent a lot of money on expensive cars, trips, furniture, swimming pool etc. Although they did give good gifts to us at Christmas /birthdays (nothing lavish) alot of money was spent on impressing their friends. They also told me that they didnt think a college education was necessary (yet my dad later told me that altgough i wasn't a doctor or lawyer, at least I wasnt on drugs or in prison....ha).
I am paying my mom back for her loaning to me because of my disabilty.
My nephew could end up receiving an inheritance in his lifetime from my brother and his wife (not his biological mom), his grandparents, his wife's grandparents, my mom, and then also his mom and stepfather, his wife's parents too. Its not my business, but I will only be possibly recieving an inheritance from my mom. His 20% will take a substantial amount from my share that I will desparately need in my life. It will also take from my brothers share, but my brother will benefit because it's his son.
Also, this has really added salt to my wounds because years ago, my parents received an inheritance from my grandfather through probate (he was bitter at his children and didn't leave a will). My parents were trying to hide from me that they received an inheritance but I found out in a serendipity sort of way from a friend of theirs, who thought I knew. I also found out that they were giving some of the inheritance to my brother and his wife, some to my mom's best friend's daughter, to my mom's house cleaner and a few thousand to their church (which I'm glad about that). But they didn't give any to me. My grandfather and I loved eachother and we were close growing up).
When I told my mother how this hurt me, she said she could do whatever she wanted since it was her money (which was true, I never wanted more than a nominal amount and to only be included). I then got a letter that week saying that they didn't want me in their lives.
2 years later I called them to reconcile and we haven't been estranged since then, but my wounds have now been reopened and it hurts. We might be facing estrangement again and her puting me out of the will altogether, which although may hurt me financially, would be very hard emotionally. For the record, I don't do drugs, get into trouble, sleep around or cause problems. I live a peaceful life as a Christian and, although not perfect by any means, feel that to most parents I would be a blessing. I call her regularly, give thoughtful gifts. Ironically, although I'm sure my brother loves her in his own way, he rarely calls her. She and my nephew aren't super super close, and although he's nice to her, he's never given her a gift and rarely thanks her when she gives him a gift. I think she resents me because I'm not married and haven't given her a grandchild, but these are things that have caused me pain ad well, especially as I get older. Ive often felt unloved by her growing up and my talents were not nurtured, (even sabotaged) and she was competitive with me.
My mom has a good side to her too. She gives generous gifts to everyone at Christmas, we've had many beautiful conversations where we talk about our faith alot, laugh, and have been a blessing to eachother. But she has an extremely stubborn side, can be hurtfu, has broken promises that were very important to me without admitting she's wrong and even told me after my disability began she wouldn't be loaning me money and told me that life was hard and that I would need to live in a shelter if I had to and give up my precious pet that is everything to me. Fortunately over time, she loaned me money and that didn't happen, and she's been a blessing in that way now. But now I'm struggling emotionally because of the Will issue. I would much rather have a family and a good close relationship with my mother, than alot of money.
Do you think I am being unreasonable about this?(Sorry about writing a book)
Any advice on how to handle this?
Perhaps you are looking for a sign that your mother listens, cares and loves you.
If she changed her will you'd believe she was acknowledging you at last.
Before it is too late.
I am so sorry that you feel so very upset by your mothers decision about her will. Can you speak to your church minister or someone about all this, perhaps in a neighbouring area if you want to maintain confidentiality?
Please don’t fall out with any of your family about this, although I can feel how hurt you are. Your mother is also feeling hurt and upset, I imagine, and perhaps trying to please everyone including your late father. Logic doesn’t come into matters like this, and your mother is trying to do what she believes he wanted. ?
Sorry about typos, I pressed post instead of preview - here is corrected version:
Will’s are not necessarily about what is right, they are about the will (wish) of the writer. Your mother’s wish is to honour her husband’s wishes, end of matter.
I do sympathise with you and it is very unfair that you will not have the means to make your life more comfortable, while your nephew may end up with far more than he needs to live comfortably. But life is not fair in this world. As you are a Christian why not talk it over with your vicar - not for him to do anything about it, but in order to try to achieve some peace of mind on the matter. Keep in mind the Beatitudes, try to accept that you may always be poor materially, that your life will be hard due to your disability, but this is the cross you have to bear in this life. May God bless you and comfort you and give you strength.
I have two daughters and everything is to be split 50/50. If one of them had ten children and a rich husband and the other not so much I would still make the same decision as I love them equally. Are children to be penalised because they have done well for themselves and seemingly better than their siblings? That seems to be what you are suggesting. Your brother could be in an accident tomorrow and end up disabled too!
I have not left any separate money or items for the grandchildren as it will be up to their parents to sort that out. The number of grandchildren is uneven on the two sides at the moment and I didn't want to get into the issue of splitting my assets in different percentages and anyway other grandchildren could be born after I'm gone.
It seems to me some 'Christians' put rather a lot of emphasis on money over living a good honest life! You will have no one to leave an inheritance to so may choose to leave some to a charity which your mother did not favour but that would be your choice, just as her will is her choice. My advice to you would be 'put up and shut up!
I am sympathetic to your circumstances. But i tend to agree with some of the other comments. Your mother's money is hers to do as she wishes with. I don't think an inheritance is a God given right. And a promise she made to your father may be very important to her. Please try not to let this spoil your remaining time together. Life is truly too short.
50/50 would seem fairer. But, you say your brother is a lot better off than you, so perhaps it should be 60/40 in your favour. Or even 70/30 as you’re disabled. Or since he is so much better off you should get even more.
Your mum may use all of it up in care fees or decide to go on a world cruise. It’s her money. Or if you upset her too much she may leave it all to her church - or the local cats home. Any money she you leaves is a bonus not an entitlement. She and your father obviously thought this through very carefully and she still loves him enough to honour his wishes and his memory.
You seem to have a rather large chip on your shoulder and feel hard done by that your life hasn’t been as good as your brother’s, but perhaps you don’t know all the problems he has, especially if you’ve both been brought up to cover up and keep up appearances.
Will’s are not necessarily about what is tight, they are about what is the will ( wish) of the writer. Your mother’s wish is to honour her husband’s wishes, end of matter.
I do sympathise sith you and it is very unfair that you will not have the means to make your life more comfortable, while your nephew may end up with far more than he needs to love comfortably. But life is mot fair in this world. As you are a Christian why not talk it over with your vicar - not for him to anything about it, but in order to try to achieve some peace of mind on the matter. Keep in mind the Beatitudes, try to accept that you may always be poor materially, that your life will be hard due to your disability, but this is the cross you have to bear in this life. May God bless you and comfort you @nd give you strength.
Irishjig, I do understand why you feel hurt, but please, do try not to feel ill-used. Your mother may yet either change her will or leave very little if she needs care in her later years.
The only silver lining I can see is that you can reasonably refuse to help your nephew out with money later on if he should need it.
I spent years of my adult life as the unmarried daughter without children, while my sister had husband and children, so I know how often you can feel left out.
I don't think you will do any good to yourself or to your relationship with the rest of your family, if you attempt to persuade your mother to change her will. Is it really worth risking more hurt and a possible estrangement over?
None of us can presume we will inherit anything. Life in a care home starts at £5000 a month, so any assets eg house that she owns could end up steadily disappearing into those fees should your mother need to go into residential care. In-home care is almost as much. You can't bank on it. I was incredibly lucky to inherit from my parents' estate, and I give thanks for it every day, I hope you are able to reconcile with your family and not be driven apart by this.
I have always hated the inheritance money-go-round, and every time my mother mentions it, I tell her I am not interested, as any inheritance means that she will not be around. She can leave what she wants to whomever she wants.
I know she's made a will, and her two children and 4 grandchildren have been catered for, which is as it "should" be. My brother and I have very different standards of living, but I can't see an inheritance as being a 'bonus', because of what it means: my mother will have gone. Likewise, I shall not be engaging in any struggles over who gets which things from her home. I would feel like a vulture.
Irishjig I can understand that in the US you don't have the same safety net as you might over here, with your disability, but if you spend the time enjoying your mother's company and forgetting about past slights and hurts (I've had MANY of those too) and as a Christian accept that it's better to give than to receive, you might feel happier in yourself.
As they say, life isn't always fair.
Please remember that your mum might have spend a lot on care.
And if you disable on benefits you will lost some and benefit agenty will to know how you spend.
You won't be able to spend on holidays or nice thing you will just have to use it on bills . Or your own care.
You won't get out any fun out of the money.
Would you be whingeing if you had a child who would be included in the will?
End of the day your parents worked for what they have and it is theirs. Who they choose to leave their money to should be up to them and to even question this is quite simply wrong. I recently lost my mum and quite frankly her money and will we’re the last thing on my mind, the loss of not having her is horrendous and the only thing I care about. We all have needs that money could help but it’s the people we can’t do without. You will be getting 40% that is better than nothing.
Two of my children have children. Three do not. All five have different circumstances, from single/ married with two good wages/divorced Mum with two teenagers/married, no children but hard-up. I have helped out various ones, over the years, when they hit financial problems. Most have repaid me, but one is not in a position to do so for the forseeable future. I don't mind, and neither do their brothers and sisters, some of whom have also helped them.
It is impossible to try to consider everyone's circumstances when considering my will. All I have to leave, basically, is my house (if it doesn't get swallowed in care costs)
I have decided that the only sensible way is a straight five-way split between the 'children'. If the ones who are parents want to pass on some to their children, that is up to them.
They all know the terms of my will and seem content with them. No-one has complained, anyway!
The only problem i DO have is what to do with my engagement and wedding rings, which are my only (fairly) valuables. I can't think how to sort out that problem.
Personally, if my kids started discussing, seriously, what they wanted to do with any money I might leave them, I too would be angry. It's almost as though you were wishing she would hurry up and go, leave you a good inheritance, so you could live the sort of life you have dreamt of.
We used to get annoyed with my late mother in law for refusing to spend her money on herself as she wanted to leave 'her boys' something, even though all three of them were doing ok for themselves.
It does sound as though you have been bitter all your life re how your parents have treated you compared to how you perceived they treated your brother.
As others have said, it's their money to spend as they wish.
Not sure exactly what your disability is, or how long you have had it, but as someone who suffers with ill health which restricts my mobity, I can understand your frustration, but it should not bar you from having a reasonable life, which is what most of us have regardless of disabilities. Life is what you make it.
Sorry if my last sentence sounded sarcastic, I didn't mean to be, but however bad things are, there is always someone worse off than ourselves who we need to consider in our turn. Isn't that Christianity in action?
Well I certainly wish my mother had respected my father's wishes. I was an only child and he always said to me "one day everything will be yours" (they owned 3 properties). Then he died leaving everything to my mum in a most natural way assuming it would come to me in due course. She proceeded to do a succession of will changes like Pass The Parcel for a succession of new close friends. with some coming round for a second chance. In the end the one who was flavor of the month when she died got all but a few thousand quid
Irishjig do you live in the UK? If so you would be receiving disability benefits and any future operations would be paid for by the NHS. Your Mum may be conscious that if you receive benefits they would be affected by an inheritance. My sister has a child with a lifelong disability and learning disability and he cannot manage money at all. She has told me she is leaving her house and money split equally between her other 3 children and only leave a token amount to her disabled son. This is because she says he will always be provided for by disability benefits and he would lose benefits if he inherited more than £8k. She also trusts her other children to help out their disabled brother if he needs anything.
Irishjig, you ended your OP by saying that you would much rather have a family & a close relationship with your mother than a lot of money; so I think you know what's really important.
Don't let the prospect of money sour you, it really is the root of all evil. Love your mother while you have her, you'll miss her when she's gone.
Oh, and being a Christian, have you thought who you will give a 10th of your eventual inheritance to? Or is it a one-way gain?
Its a pity your faith isn’t helping you cope with this. You are clearly distressed/angry/resentful.
Your mum is entitled to leave a separate amount to her grandson if she so chooses, but you will get 40% of her estate, which sounds substantial. Please don’t let this embitter your relationship with your mother and family which could lead to her cutting you out further. It’s unfortunate you asked about her will in the first place. It’s not really a nice thing to hear from her point of view. I won’t use the word greedy..but that’s how it coukd be taken.
Am not sure what you expected when you wrote on here, no one has been nasty but have given their honest sensible opinion which is what was asked, but If this hasn’t helped you might like to talk this through with a counsellor perhaps. I hope you find peace of mind.
Unfortunately how your parents spent and enjoy their money is their choice. At least it seems they have some money left to leave you and have helped you in the past.
It is also their choice how they leave their money. Personally if I had a single disabled daughter with no property I would leave her 50% and not take off what I had given her before.But reading your post you seem to be alienating your mother and I think I would be very angry if my daughter tried to tell me what I should do with my money.
Stay friends with your mother and apoligise for your outburst but maybe explain you are concerned about your future. After that say no more as you will only make the situation worse.
Please try and accept her will and work on improving your relationship with your mum. So very sorry that life is not easy for you ?
YOU'RE upset! Your poor mother! How awful it must be to know there are vultures lurking behind the wardrobe waiting for her to die so they can feed on the scraps. This is HER money, HER'S, and how she acquired it is irrelevant, it's not your concern, and neither is it up to you how she chooses to spend or dispose of it. IF when she does die she leaves you something, however small, just be pleased that she thought enough of you to do so.
If you are a Christian, then you must know that begrudging your nephew his inheritence is not a very Christian attitude.
You will only be losing 10% of the overall amount, your mother my need care yet and leave nothing.
I think you have long standing troubles that you need to address, we can't change other people only ourselves.
Doesn't the bible say that the love of money is the root of all evil? You are allowing it to dictate your behaviour now and it may never materialise for any of you.
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