It is up to your mother who she leaves her money, possessions, property to. Entirely her choice. Unless you live in France where I believe things are done slightly different. I personally don't think it's a good idea to discuss with any beneficiaries what you have planned for them in your will, it can all backfire if the person who has made the will circumstances alter, and lead to big disappointments. To me 40% sounds a very generous amount to inherit by what you have described. Even if your mother had"nt insisted on keeping this promise to your father when he was alive it is still her choice who she sees fit to leave everything to. Your nephew is her grandson who she obviously loves and wants him to have this share. I think she has done it in a very fair way.
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Mother's Will/am I wrong?
(206 Posts)Hi. I'm new to this forum and not a grandparent, but would like a grandparent's perspective. I'm in my 50's, have never been married, and don't have children. I recently became disabled not too long ago and talked to my mother about the possibility of setting up a special needs trust fund through her will. During the conversation she told me that my brother and I will be receiving 40% each, and that my nephew (my brother's son) will be receiving 20% of the total inheritance, (not 20% from my brother's share). I was honest about how this made me feel (in a respectful way) and told her that seemed an excessive amount for my nephew to be getting and that his share would take a substantial amount from my share. She got angry and told me that she had promised my dad before he died that she would create the will this way. It's been 10 years since his death and I explained that since I still wasn't married, didn't have children and now disabled that my dad if were still alive, would want to make sure I was taken care of and that he would've probably wanted my nephew to get less of a percentage. She said it didn't matter if this was right or fair, but that her keeping her promise to my dad was the priority. This hurt me very much since my mom knows I have been suffering alot because of my disability and I may never get married and have anyone to help me. She told me i was insulting her by saying this (which its always about the pain I cause her when I tell her about the pain she causes me). She hung up on me. I explained in an email afterwards more in depth but she won't respond.
My brother and his wife both make very good money and live in a very expensive home. My nephew and his wife both work and bought a home. I've been living very modestly renting studios/one bedroom apartments and usually can only afford the basic necessities. I've had to borrow money from my parents in the past, but it hasn't been on a regular basis, and I've only asked when I couldn't afford a car repair etc, not for any luxury items, clothes etc, but over the years it has added up. My mom also told me that what I owe her will be taken from my inheritance. Although I think this is somewhat fair, It seems somewhat harsh to me since they never paid for a wedding, gifts to a child from my end, or an education when they could've saved up for one, but didn't. They weren't rich, but maybe upper middle class, and they spent a lot of money on expensive cars, trips, furniture, swimming pool etc. Although they did give good gifts to us at Christmas /birthdays (nothing lavish) alot of money was spent on impressing their friends. They also told me that they didnt think a college education was necessary (yet my dad later told me that altgough i wasn't a doctor or lawyer, at least I wasnt on drugs or in prison....ha).
I am paying my mom back for her loaning to me because of my disabilty.
My nephew could end up receiving an inheritance in his lifetime from my brother and his wife (not his biological mom), his grandparents, his wife's grandparents, my mom, and then also his mom and stepfather, his wife's parents too. Its not my business, but I will only be possibly recieving an inheritance from my mom. His 20% will take a substantial amount from my share that I will desparately need in my life. It will also take from my brothers share, but my brother will benefit because it's his son.
Also, this has really added salt to my wounds because years ago, my parents received an inheritance from my grandfather through probate (he was bitter at his children and didn't leave a will). My parents were trying to hide from me that they received an inheritance but I found out in a serendipity sort of way from a friend of theirs, who thought I knew. I also found out that they were giving some of the inheritance to my brother and his wife, some to my mom's best friend's daughter, to my mom's house cleaner and a few thousand to their church (which I'm glad about that). But they didn't give any to me. My grandfather and I loved eachother and we were close growing up).
When I told my mother how this hurt me, she said she could do whatever she wanted since it was her money (which was true, I never wanted more than a nominal amount and to only be included). I then got a letter that week saying that they didn't want me in their lives.
2 years later I called them to reconcile and we haven't been estranged since then, but my wounds have now been reopened and it hurts. We might be facing estrangement again and her puting me out of the will altogether, which although may hurt me financially, would be very hard emotionally. For the record, I don't do drugs, get into trouble, sleep around or cause problems. I live a peaceful life as a Christian and, although not perfect by any means, feel that to most parents I would be a blessing. I call her regularly, give thoughtful gifts. Ironically, although I'm sure my brother loves her in his own way, he rarely calls her. She and my nephew aren't super super close, and although he's nice to her, he's never given her a gift and rarely thanks her when she gives him a gift. I think she resents me because I'm not married and haven't given her a grandchild, but these are things that have caused me pain ad well, especially as I get older. Ive often felt unloved by her growing up and my talents were not nurtured, (even sabotaged) and she was competitive with me.
My mom has a good side to her too. She gives generous gifts to everyone at Christmas, we've had many beautiful conversations where we talk about our faith alot, laugh, and have been a blessing to eachother. But she has an extremely stubborn side, can be hurtfu, has broken promises that were very important to me without admitting she's wrong and even told me after my disability began she wouldn't be loaning me money and told me that life was hard and that I would need to live in a shelter if I had to and give up my precious pet that is everything to me. Fortunately over time, she loaned me money and that didn't happen, and she's been a blessing in that way now. But now I'm struggling emotionally because of the Will issue. I would much rather have a family and a good close relationship with my mother, than alot of money.
Do you think I am being unreasonable about this?(Sorry about writing a book)
Any advice on how to handle this?
A very emotive issue, and I personally think the Will should be 50/50 with your brother, as you say, his son will benefit eventually anyway. My will is a 3 way split with AC regardless of how many GC I have. However, we all think differently and it is your Mums choice what she does. I would hate to think that I was leaving an upset daughter tho, so maybe there has been favouritism here ?? But as others say, it’s only 10% you lose out on.
I so understand what you mean, we've had similar in our family and it hurts. I felt that I might well had a tattoo on my forehead saying 'mum says 2nd best'. Money is a powerful symbol, in this case of affection, esteem, regard. When you need is to keep yourself safe and secure when you have a failing body and someone to whom you should be a priority takes something away from that it does hurt, after all, you could promise to leave the nephew that share. I think its a really underestimated hurt. We talk now about pain from grief, sexual abuse etc, but not financial pain. I'm an active Christian too & don't find the church much help cos they teach to be happy with what we have, which is ok, but unrealistic. That attitude makes it hard to speak about too, cos people assume its the money you want and they urge you to be quite about it, but it still niggles away at you. I've just found over time it gets easier, but it still hurts. All the best, Lynne
I think that people have to accept Wills as they are. As a retired solicitor I have seen far worse. There are whole chapters in law books about 'control wills' and 'spite wills'.
It may not be your preferred division but it is not an inherently unfair division. Your nephew is a separate person from his parents and if your late father was fond of him and wanted him to have something in his own right, that is his right and I think that morally your mother is doing the right thing by keeping his wish. It does seem a little harsh to have to pay back the help you have received but you have accepted that.
I think that you are being unkind to her. It is not easy for people to talk about wills and she was being very open and honest with you so that you have some idea how things are going to be. I think that you should apologise to her and make sure that you are receiving all the money you are entitled to from the system and work out how you can best manage what you are likely to get. Most people get no inheritance or something minimal which is what I expect.
When you say that your parents and more recently your mother has loaned you money in the past. Have you ever repaid any of this money, if not then it's not been loaned it's been given. Also if you are only recently disabled and were previously working why were these loans/gifts nessecary. Frankly as a disabled person myself I don't expect anything from anyone. I am lucky to have very good friends that have been very supportive (not financially) but in lots of other ways. You sound like a greedy, miserable, entitled person that needs to stop thinking only of yourself. If you show care and consideration for others they might show some in return. Think yourself lucky that your getting 40% and stop complaining about the other 10%. If you were my daughter I would cut you out my will completely after a complaint like that
You ask for our opinions but are unwilling to accept them.
Your mother can do what she likes, get over it, you will have a fair share anyway.
Reminds me of a friend of mine who complained that her MILhome was not worth as much as they had imagined after she died. Some people are so greedy and grasping.
It's up to your mum who she leaves it to. Your nephew is not getting any of your share your mum has clearly stated your share will be 40%. You are lucky to receive an inheritance a lot of people do not and actually help parents financially. If you wanted further education you could have done this yourself indeed still can you are no longer a child and need to make your own choices. it is perfectly reasonable to have any debts you have not repaid deducted from inheritance.
I think the OP has emotional issues here. She needs to ventilate her feelings - hence the very long posts sent in a safe & confidential way. But we are not professionals & can only give our opinions - and I don’t think any of the replies have been disrespectful, just honest (which admittedly can hurt as we all like others to empathise with us!). I agree, this lady feels she has been marginalised by her family. Not being included in any way from money left by a loving grandpa at a time when many others did must have hurt like hell. I think seeing a counsellor or her pastor would help as others on here have suggested. Poor mixed up lady.
I do sympathise but as others have pointed out it is up to your mother to leave her money where she chooses. By leaving some to her GS she is keeping the money in the family - she does not appear to have asked you who you will leave your money to... I too will be leaving money in trust to my grandchildren (hopefully not for a while!! My children will inherit the bulk equally but I cannot see into the future so leaving money to DGC will keep it in the family. Please don't let this issue spoil your fragile relationship with your mother. I am sorry that you have disabilities but please try to enjoy your life and have some fun - life is too short to let these issues spoil it for you.
I agree with Monica and I find many of the comments here unfeeling and indeed harsh - sadly they often are.
I assume that Irishjig lives in the US (the use of Mom instead of Mum) and in that wonderful country there is no safety net for people in adverse situations through illness and disability. It really must be very scary to be approaching your senior years feeling so vulnerable.
As a mother I would see it as my duty to help a disabled daughter as much as possible and it would certainly override any dated promise to my husband. I have daughters of my own and cannot imagine behaving in this way to either of them.
Families are complicated: we on Gransnet cannot know the full story but I certainly feel for Irishhjig in this situation. I hope she can gain strength from her faith and the Christian community to which she belongs. Good luck in the future.
Irishjig, do you have health insurance to help with future costs related to your disability? If so, this may have been a consideration for your mother, in that she may have thought about leaving more to you but felt you did not need it.
OP you appear to be very bitter. You say you worked until you became disabled, were you not able to save anything during those years? I do sympathise that you are now unable to work as you once did but from your posts it seems that your mother has been bailing you out for most of your life (apologies if this is not the case). I can only reiterate my earlier post, tell your mother you accept her decision and concentrate on your relationship with her.
I can understand why you're not happy with this. It does sound like your mother doesn't have much understanding of your situation. I'd be hurt. Of course, she has the right to choose who will benefit from her will, but I do think she should give more consideration to your situation.
It sounds like she's made up her mind, though. I hope she has a change of heart in your favour.
Perhaps a course of counselling would be of help to you?
You are clearly very unhappy.
The role of victim is a heavy burden to carry, for you and for those around you to be privy to.
You do not need to be defined by your disability but perhaps need some help in learning to manage your life in a different way to accommodate it.
This sounds as if it is about much more than you perceived legacy.
I wonder how the mum feels being seen as a money provider but very little else.
It is the mum's money no matter how she came by the money and it is not for anyone to be telling an adult what they should do in their Will.
If the mum goes into a care home there will be very little money left anyway.
All this sounds a bit grabby
Your mother is being unreasonable to favour an privileged nephew over a disabled daughter. However, if you let this to to you you will:-
a) embitter your relations with your mother which seem important to you
and
b) also lose you an important inheritance.
Many people on this thread have pointed out that the money is your mother's to do with as she wishes and that money doesn't matter. Well, it is your mother's cash but money is important and if you are in the situation you describe you will be much benefited by having some extra to play with.
I should try to swallow your sense of injustice as, though you are right, it will lose you your relationship with your mother and the cash. Just let it go. Stop thinking about it and act with her as if nothing has been said. Be nice! Resentment doesn't so much poison the resented as the resenter. I knew a woman who lost a share in £1million because she couldn't bring herself to be polite to her MIL.
I do sympathise with you Irishjig but coming from the other side of things it is extremely difficult to get it right for everyone when you are making a will. We have changed ours so many times as family circumstances have changed, as we don't want to upset any of the family or make them feel it is unfair - but really I fear it's impossible. At least you know the circumstances in advance and can plan accordingly. Do try and forgive your Mum - we're all just doing our best as we see it, but being human we don't always see it in the same way.
Is your mother your cash cow? Sorry but this really annoys me. You shouldn't be bothering your mother about her will at all. I wouldn't have dreamed of mentioning my mother's will when she was alive. Take your 40% and be grateful.
I have a condition that limits what I can do but I would never have expected my parents to give me more than my brother and sisters. I understand what you mean about them giving more to your brother and his family but the reality is that an inheritance is NOT a right to have and your parents have the right to spend their money in life and death how they choose. We all borrowed at some time or other from my parents and my brother never paid them back (substantially more than my sisters and I ever borrowed) but I would not have expected that to be taken from his inheritance. This may sound harsh but be grateful for anything you get as it is a bonus not to be expected and if family relationships are truly more important to you, then let it go, now and forever or you'll end up with neither family nor inheritance. Repair your relationships with your family while you can - I would give back every penny of my inheritance to have my parents back.
Irishjig You say that only one poster has shown any empathy but it was YOU who chose to come on to Gransnet asking, I presume, for opinions on the situation from a Grandparent's point of view.
We cannot know what is in YOUR mother's mind. We can tell you how we feel about our families. My close family consists of 3 DGC, 2 DDs, 2SIL, The wider family is my sister, her DS and DD and their children and then some distant cousins. Should I win the Euro Millions, it will be my great pleasure to give substantial gifts to all of these family members and also to some close friends.However, when it comes to wills only the close family will benefit,
In your Mother's situation she has 4 close family - 1 daughter, 1 son, 1 DIL, 1 Grandson. She has chosen to split her legacy equitably as she sees it, giving you 40%, your Brother 40% and her, no doubt much loved, only grandson, 20% i.e. all her blood relatives. I don't think many Grans would see anything wrong with that division (unless there is discord within the family.)
I am guessing that you do not live in the UK where a disabled person would be entitled to benefits sufficient for modest independent living and all health care, including operations, would be free. Our opinions voiced on the forum will be based on that assumption, which may not be the case where you live.
I wonder if YOU have made a will? Probably not as you are young and have little in the way of assets. However, situations change, you may inherit , win or earn money. Who would you like to benefit when you have gone? It is entirely your choice as it is your Mother's choice.
Comparison really can be "the thief of joy" if you let it be. Pleased don't.
But Irishjig whether you ve had a good life, a bad life been loved or not loved, been treated well or badly you have no right to believe you can have any sway over your parents decision as to who to leave their possessions to. In fact you shouldn’t even know what is being left to you before the person dies
How would it seem if your brother went to your mum and said I feel as I m the Male I should get more than my sister This is not far fetched my friend with one younger brother inherited NOTHING while he got all the money and a mansion simply because the great grandfather who was the originator of their riches had written in his will that it would always be left to a Male heir She is still friendly with her brother and seems totally accepting of the situation
You are getting equal shares just as my children will although one of my children has no need for any bits I will leave Behind as he earns more than the other two put together but they will all get the same exactly ......just as you are
You say, why should a child who no one knows how he will turn out get a share, but your mum isn’t dead yet he may not be a child and if he turns out bad maybe she ll even change her will which is HER decision and HERS only
You do make it sound as if you feel you are entitled to this money, another friend of mine fell out with her eldest and she has left his share to the donkey sanctrury (although he doesn’t know it yet) be careful you don’t find that happens
Forget any money who knows there might be none at all if your mum lives a long life,
Resentment is a horrible passion
Just because I don't agree with you does not mean that I have "judged" you & I certainly sympathise with your situation. However I can understand why your parents wished to leave a legacy to their grandchild & then split the remainder between their 2 children, they probably thought that was a fair way of dealing with things & hence your mother was defensive when you raised it with her.
None of us knows what the future holds, I know of 2 friends who spent most of their adult life waiting for their inheritance, only to find in one instance it had been largely spent on care fees & in the other their parent married unexpectedly in later life & it all went to the step family.
Time spent with your family is much more important.
I have never / will never receive a penny from someone in their will ( or a legacy of any kind) . I was rather hoping I would be able to leave my very modest home to my children but that seems increasingly unlikely . I can’t understand the nastiesness that comes out when people die . Be thankful OP that you will get something handed to you on a plate instead of whinging that it’s not enough .
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