Mother's Will/am I wrong?

I hate all this upset about wills.

I have made my own and still have sleepness nights about whether what i have done is right.

I know now after reading some of these posts it will be running through my head all day and possibly tonight.

I would hate to think i have left a loved one out when they were expecting something from me.

In my will I have left 5% to each of my 6 grandchildren and the remainder split equally between my two daughters although one is better off than the other. They have never said that they think this unfair and I would be very hurt if they did.
You mother is leaving an equal amount to you and your sibling, which in my eyes is completely fair. I hope you will not dwell on this any more and keep a good relationship with your mother, who has helped you out in the past and may do again if things become more difficult for you. You are fortunate to have this back-up which many do not.

You say it's not about the money and yet you have written another long post about the injustice of it all! You need to get over it and live the best life you can. Counselling may help.

My MIL left a generous portion of her estate to her grandchildren but it didn't occur to us to be resentful of that. Rather, we were pleased she had thought of them all.

Regarding your own position, it seems to me that you're risking a lot over a relatively small portion of money. You're still fortunate enough to be inheriting a substantial amount of your mother's estate. Why not consider yourself lucky to be receiving that and then concentrate on improving your relationship with your mother, trying to understand more about each other?

To the others who feel that I'm wrong, I was hoping that you would understand where I was coming from. I understand that I might never receive anything if my mom ends up needing serious care. I've always known and understood that and would want her to have the best care and a full life before she passes. I went into great detail about things here and I thought I was giving a clear picture, but maybe I didn't . It was never about "entitlement". I know that there are people who don't receive an inheritance at all and I realize that if I do, I would be very fortunate. This is only partly about the money itself, because I've become disabled and may need more specialized surgeries etc. that I couldn't afford.

I'm coming at this from a perspective of what I feel is right. I would feel just as passionate if this were happening to someone else in my shoes. This is why MOnica's post was healing to me...because she could put herself in my shoes. Quite honestly, I can't understand why some (not all) of you judged me in the way you did. Im very happy that brother and nephew are doing financially well in their lives, I wouldnt want it any other way for them. I've read in other posts here regarding wills, and because most everyone said that they feel it's wisest to leave their assets to their children, (and then the children can give to their their own children if they choose or use it for themselves if they need it before they pass, I thought I would be understood. Even then, I'm not upset at all that my nephew is in the will, but I don't think my father thought it out and was going by his feelings at the time without using wisdom. Situations change and people often revise their wills. For my mother to make her decision an irrevocable one, even though I truly believe my father would have done things differenly now I don't think is good. I tried to respectfully explain this to my mom. I believe my mother is putting a promise to someone who is deceased ahead of what is right. My dad is gone and she will need to answer to God rather than my dad when she passes. My mother has broken very important promises to me without any empathy for how it hurt me, and has never apolized. She risked more estrangement with us just as I began to feel good about our relationship and trusted her. Yet I was always the one who ended up trying to repair it the relationship and had to swallow my hurt. So it's terrible for her not to keep a promise to someone who isn't here when it would be the right thing to do, yet break promises to people that you say you love who are living? Maybe if my parents had cared about my feelings in regards to how they handle the situation with the inheritance from my grandfather, I wouldn't feel this way. I would be outraged if someone had treated their child in the way my parents treated me in that situation, yet only one poster seemed to have empathy. If I did have chidren, I hope I would never treat them the way my parents treated me in that situation. If I did , I would definitely make sure I was sensitive in regards to a future inheritance. It's ironic how some posters have said that it's up to me to make sure I have a comfortable life (and my life was for majority was comfortable before my disability..from my own hands, yes I did work all of my adult life and I worked hard and am still working some even though it has been tremendously hard now). Yet you think a grandchild should be handed a large sum of money at an early age without working for it, not even knowing what that grandchild's character will be like as an adult? Does that make sense if there is no favoritism involved? Why am I getting judged when it's my parents who have done hurtful things?
Again, like I said, I wouldn't have even brought this up to my mom if his percentage had been 10% and my parents even gave me a nominal amount from my grandfather's will when they were giving it to strangers? (yet
they want my nephew to have what may end up being a significant amount of money from their will? Does that really make sense? And my mom almost letting me live in a homeless shelter (she knew I couldnt handle that being newly disabled) when she had the means to help, knowing I would pay her back (and 100% of it will be paid back very soon). Honestly would you feel so different in my shoes? My parents have been good to me, but have also caused a lot of pain/neglect too. I was always punished with abandonment when I expressed my feelings to them about some cruel things that they did. To some of you, it may seen wrong that I expressed my feelings about this to my mother, but I'm tired of swallowing my pain and I would rather have a voice than money. But it still hurts to be punished for it. If you love someone, you don't punish them for needing to express their pain. I know full well that this money is hers, but I think in the end we will be judged by whatever inheritance or blessings that we have and how we use it. This attitude of "its my money so don't tell me what to do with it" isn't from a good heart.

I'm sorry that this issue is causing conflict in your family - but yes - you are being unreasonable. The money is your mother's and it is totally up to her how she divides it after she dies.

I am not unsympathetic as I am also disabled and have found myself in a similar situation where money would be really handy. My mother always told us that her money would be divided equally between me and my sibling. But this is not the will she left. My sibling and I got 40% and the rest was divided between grandchildren and even spouses - so my DH inherited from my mother!

I asume that your nephew is your mother's only grandchild - so it does not really seem odd that she would want to create an inheritance for him and help him get a start in life. Many grandparents leave bequests to their grandchildren to help with education or towards a down payment on a home.

My advice would be that although you are hurt try not to make an issue of it. It's not your money.You don't want to find yourself written out of the will entirely do you? You lose 10% - but this is what your parents wanted/ decided.

Thank you so much MOnica. You are the only person so far who sees the situation much more clearly. I appreciate your perception, depth and compassion ☺.

It is a minefield to get into who gets what after a death . I agree with those who say it is your mother's choice. If she feels it is her duty to leave a portion to her grandson then so be it. Would you like her to change her will then fret about the decision ? Unless you live in Scotland you could be left with nothing so be kind to your mum and leave the decision to her.

As a mother, also with a DS with children and DD without children, it is our DD who has told us that we should treat DGC as a separate entity and not deduct anything we leave them from DS's share of the estate.

But we have always treated our children as equals in everything, love and affection, care and support. Irishjig has a mother who has always been partial and favoured her son over her daughter, and much as Irishjigs need for the money is. Care for the ill and disabled in the US is expensive, I feel it is the sense of rejection this will contains more than the actual money that matters.

Many grandparents want to leave their grandchildren a legacy. Only one of my dc have given me gc. If I outlive my husband I will be leaving a legacy to gc and then the rest split equally between my 3 dc. This is effectively what your Mum is planning to do. It is your Mum's money and she s free to leave t to who she wishes. It seems your Mum made a promise to your Dad to leave her gc a legacy. She wants to keep that promise. How much other people are likely to leave this grandchild is irrelevant. You say you are disabled but don't say if you work. You can probably claim benefits. Don't try to make your Mum feel guilty because it could backfire and she could leave you nothing. Concentrate on taking care of yourself and building up good relationships with your family and friends.

Surely an inheritance serves to enhance life, not provide for life.
We all need to make our own way in life and provide for ourselves .
Any money that is generously left in a will is extra to the lifestyle you built.
Your mother cannot shore up your life financially where you have failed to achieve a comfortable lifestyle.

In the title you ask am I wrong? Yes you are, yes it’s a wonderful help & boost to receive any financial inheritance. I think you should speak to your Mum & apologise to her for trying to dictate the terms of her will. Just be happy & grateful if you do eventually receive anything.

Oh goodness it is nobodies right to expect anything and it’s entirely up to your mum as to who gets her inheritance and if that’s what your dad wanted she is doing it perfectly correctly You ‘told’ your mum you found it an excessive amount to leave her grandchild that’s really is out of order who s will is this yours or hers?
You sound as if you have a good relationship with your mum and enjoy each other’s company and she has helped you already to stay in your home with you pet only you know if a quarrel or disappointment about her will is going to colour your future relationship
Life is never fair and there is often one child with a lot more blessings and money than the others Money should NEVER influence love
She has shared her will totally equally between you and your brother 40% each just because her grandchild belongs to him that’s not his fault or yours and surely that can’t be a reason to break up the family
How wonderful to get an inheritance

Sorry, it should read brother's son

Is your brothers on not your mother's grandson? If he is her grandson I can well understand her wanting to leave him something in her will. It's only 10% you are missing out on not 20%. As others have said it's up to her but try not to be upset about it. If your mum ever needs to go into care you might end up with nothing if fees have to be paid. Just try and get on with all the family.

If you are in the USA, and a Christian, you should be able to confide in a pastor who might be able to give you appropriate guidance.

Irishjig Your story suggests that your mother has always favoured your brother and his family over you and I suspect that how you feel about your mother's will is not so much about the money as about how it reflects your fractured and difficult relationship with your mother and your sense that you are always second best.

I think you were hoping, unconsciously, if not consciously, that if your DM had made a will sharing her assets evenly between you and your brother it would prove that she truly loved both of you equally and held no real resentments against you.

It is difficult to know what to say or recommend if my reading of your post is right. I have never understood parents who are partial in their affections, but some are.

I do not think there is anything you can do to change the situation. Indeed, bringing it up with your mother, only lets her know how effectively her behaviour is hurting you and may give her some perverse pleasure.

Can you afford to have some counselling to help you cope with this sad situation?

Try not to dwell on this too much. As others have said it's up to your Mother what she does with her money. Enjoy the time you have left together as this will leave you with lots of happy memories when she is no longer around. It's hard enough when your Mum dies without feeling guilty because you fell out over money

You have only' lost ' 10% of the whole inheritance if it was equally split. It is not worth a fall out with family for this. It appears quite a reasonable split to me I must say.

Tell your mother you accept her decision and just want to have a good relationship with her - and then never mention it again unless she brings it up. Your relationship with her is more important than how she chooses to deal with her money.

Families and inheritance cause all kinds of upset for everyone involved.
As others have said, it's your mothers money and its up her what she does with it.
Don't spoil your relationship with your mother, brother or nephew by attempting to insist on a 50 = 50 split. It really isn't worth it.

Your mum can leave her money to anyone she chooses I'm afraid and I must say you do come across as feeling entitled to some extent.

I do agree with scribbles, I'm afraid: it's up to your mother how she leaves her assets.

I agree with grannyknot that if you want to maintain a good relationship with your family arguing about the content of a will is not the best way to go about it.
I can understand your mother being upset about you challenging her about leaving some of her estate to her grandchild, many GPs do this, my father left half his estate to me & half to his grandchildren & though not a massive amount it gave them a lot of pleasure to receive something from him.
It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your mother & I would concentrate on maintaining that rather than focussing on the contents of her will. After all no one really knows what they are going to inherit & the monies could need to be spent providing care for your mum in her latter years.

Sorry if I sound harsh but it's never a good idea to to rely on a possible inheritance, your mother is free to do what she likes with her money. Reading in between the lines it sounds as if you have always been reliant on your parents for money and have never been fully independent of them. You say that you have recently become disabled, did you work prior to this?