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Anyone having major anger outbursts with 75 year old DH?

(133 Posts)
Kate13 Fri 25-May-18 18:49:41

Hi not been on gransnet for a while - can anyone shed light on this? At home with DH -or on holiday, or generally being in his presence - I seem to be to blame for everything. What I say, what I do,. I “babble rubbish” “all the time... whereas when I’m out and about, I think I’m pretty normal ( no one shouts at me for “babbling” or being “in the way”. ) I’ve been blaming myself, but is it all my fault? Anyone else out there who recognises what I’m talking about , or is it really me?

Marijandel Wed 06-Jun-18 16:07:07

It's not uncommon as we age. Both men and women go into the "rage/insult" phase as their self control areas in the brain deteriorate. I live with mine as well and it is very hard to be insulted, spoken to as if you re the enemy and even have that in public. I don't know if there is an answer to the problem short of leaving and starting a life for yourself. I don't plan to take that option. I take each day at a time, I'm learning to take each incident at a time and let it go. I treat it as an illness and try to not to scream back. I scream back often and it becomes a war zone here and so as I said, I'm starting to take a different approach. It's early days yet and my stength comes from seeing other couples, our age, going through it. I think it's worse for men because they have never had to learn the self control most women who have had children learn and so the men have less self control strength and therefore get angrier more quickly. Best of luck.

Ilovecheese Wed 06-Jun-18 15:18:13

Have you told him that it is his behaviour that is driving you out of the house?

Kate13 Wed 06-Jun-18 15:06:50

Busy tonight (NWR) and I have a U3A meeting tomorrow morning. Goodness knows what the weekend will bring... chin up eh?0

Kate13 Wed 06-Jun-18 15:05:12

Thanks annep
Have managed to stay out of the house today so far but it’s tiring and lonely. Decided to try Gymophobics and had an introduction hour. Not for me though. Again it’s an “on your own” thing. Might as well go swimming, it’s cheaper!
I’m ok , having plenty of time to chew things over and his rage has stopped (for now).

annep Tue 05-Jun-18 21:42:14

How are things Kate. Are you ok?

Serkeen Tue 05-Jun-18 09:15:10

merlotgran wish you could bottle your attitude I would buy a bottle that's for sure*

merlotgran Tue 05-Jun-18 08:42:51

Don't put up with it, Kate. My DH has many health problems at the moment and has recently had a lengthy spell in hospital. His outbursts are never aimed at me directly but usually about something I could have had some control over like not being able to find a pair of socks - he blames the house confused grin

I fire back, he apologises and normal service is resumed.

I obviously make allowances for his anxiety over his health but I'm not going to be a martyr or a doormat.

NfkDumpling Tue 05-Jun-18 07:11:12

Seeing a solicitor and councillor will help you know where you stand and what you want and make you stronger. As you say, you’ve worked for what you have, but only you can decide your feelings and priorities.

It’s good that he does the outside stuff. Summer is here so hopefully he’ll be out from under your feet a bit more. What would happen if you tell him to get out of your kitchen?

Kate13 Mon 04-Jun-18 16:33:22

Well I do some gardening (if I’m allowed to!) but he generally pulls his weight one way or another

Kate13 Mon 04-Jun-18 16:32:02

I do and he does the garden and the car and outside jobs

NfkDumpling Mon 04-Jun-18 15:20:27

Who does the housework, cooking etc?

Kate13 Mon 04-Jun-18 15:18:17

It won’t last.....

Kate13 Mon 04-Jun-18 15:18:01

At the moment he’s out so am enjoying the haven of peace and quiet

Kate13 Mon 04-Jun-18 15:17:23

Perhaps get my will changed too

Kate13 Mon 04-Jun-18 15:16:56

Yes that’s an idea.

NfkDumpling Mon 04-Jun-18 15:15:33

I wasn’t thinking of permanently. Just a break. If it’s too dodgy to leave though, you’re right, you must stay put. Perhaps a visit to a solicitor may be an idea? Just to know where you stand and help you feel secure.

Kate13 Mon 04-Jun-18 15:12:49

I shall just go out as he comes in, see how he
likes shouting at the wall

Kate13 Mon 04-Jun-18 15:11:52

I’ve worked hard for half this bungalow, contents and garden. I’m not going to give him any ammunition.

Kate13 Mon 04-Jun-18 15:10:38

Yes I can go to DD but have decided to stay put

Ilovecheese Mon 04-Jun-18 14:55:47

You are doing all the right things Katie13, getting out and seeing other people, but it must be such hard work.

Serkeen Mon 04-Jun-18 14:46:25

No it is Not your fault Katie13 definitely not .. sounds like you have an in patient un kind husband sorry to say but this is what it does sound like How about you give him a bit of his own medicine and tell him that in fact hee is getting on your nerves and is in Your way!

NfkDumpling Mon 04-Jun-18 07:43:05

Echo that.

MawBroon Mon 04-Jun-18 07:30:04

Kate13 it is good advice to get away if you possibly can. This sounds an appalling existence for you and he needs to learn (old dog, new tricks) that his bullying behaviour is entirely unacceptable. Yes counselling may help you, but he is the problem.
Please, please a) look after your own interests, b) look after your own safety and c) get help.

NfkDumpling Mon 04-Jun-18 07:25:54

grin. And serene. Stay serene! Can you go to stay with your daughter for a while? Just vanish and leave him be to ponder for a bit?

Kate13 Mon 04-Jun-18 00:14:54

Doesn’t want to speak to me ever again! All over a stupid jacket. Well I can do that. Monosyllabic from now on Nfk Dumpling