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Anyone having major anger outbursts with 75 year old DH?

(132 Posts)
Kate13 Fri 25-May-18 18:49:41

Hi not been on gransnet for a while - can anyone shed light on this? At home with DH -or on holiday, or generally being in his presence - I seem to be to blame for everything. What I say, what I do,. I “babble rubbish” “all the time... whereas when I’m out and about, I think I’m pretty normal ( no one shouts at me for “babbling” or being “in the way”. ) I’ve been blaming myself, but is it all my fault? Anyone else out there who recognises what I’m talking about , or is it really me?

Ilovecheese Fri 25-May-18 18:55:28

It's not you, It's him. He is probably unhappy about growing older and can take it out on you. Whether this continues is up to you in a way. Do you put up with it or do you tell him firmly to stop. Whatever, it is NOT YOU!

SueDonim Fri 25-May-18 19:11:39

If this is a new behaviour, then it could be an indication of something amiss with your Dh.

If it's a longstanding problem then you're a saint to have stayed with him!

Nanabilly Fri 25-May-18 19:26:57

Is he like it with just you or anyone he sees.?
If it's just you then I'd say he's just being a t#&t and you should tell I'm so but if it's anyone and everyone then I'd start taking note of other things that might not be quite right. Forgetfulness, repeating things over and over, uncaring about his personal hygiene, not being able to follow a tv show or a conversation (this could be where babbling comes in).
If other things are present then it's time for him to see his gp but if no other signs of anything then it's time for him to face some truths. Don't just put up with it.

Kate13 Fri 25-May-18 20:25:51

No it’s just with me. He’s sweetness and light to everyone else. I’ve been looking for symptoms but he really can control this if he chooses to. He won’t go to the gp because “there’s nothing wrong with” him. The children (now in their 40s) say he's always been bolshy, it just seems to be getting worse. Sounds pathetic doesn’t it? I do fight back (verbally) but he always has a mean, hurtful answer and can do the rejection thing for days and it really stresses me out.
Put up or shut up, I guess.....

Kate13 Fri 25-May-18 20:28:53

Thanks! You’re helping smile

LiltingLyrics Fri 25-May-18 20:33:51

Some people are just unhappy in themselves and have to have something to grumble about and someone to grumble at and criticise. I assume he’s retired. Does he have a lot of time on his hands? The “rejection thing”? Is that silent treatment? Mark of a manipulative bully. Do you have your own interests that you can pursue and leave him to his own devices?

lemongrove Fri 25-May-18 20:42:33

A lot of men do seem to become Victor Meldrew when older, maybe the loss of importance ( no job) and too much time on their hands.On the other hand he could have always been a miserable so and so grin and being older makes it worse, you carry on chatting Kate13 it’s not you it’s definitely him smile but if he is a good DH it’s worth putting up with IMHO.
Anyway, we all have our own irritating quirks no doubt.

midgey Fri 25-May-18 20:47:13

Gosh Lemongrove.....I am perfect unlike DHgrin.
Seriously Kate, I would say that he is worried about something either himself or you? That’s how it works in our house!

lemongrove Fri 25-May-18 20:56:17

Of course you are midgey wink

sodapop Fri 25-May-18 21:02:50

We always take out our frustrations on our nearest and dearest it seems. There is no need for you to put up with it though Kate The time has come to face it and see if there is any underlying cause. I am intolerant as well and often snap at my husband then regret it moments later. I am trying to correct this trait in myself.

LiltingLyrics Fri 25-May-18 21:19:22

I’ve been thinking a little more about this and wonder too whether it may be a response to changes in society.
Everywhere seems so much more crowded and noisy nowadays especially with people talking on their mobile phones so much. People seem to speak very loudly to one another on trains and buses, in cafes, pubs and restaurants. I used to love to read a book on the train or in a cafe and just chill out. Nowadays, I find it harder and harder to filter out other people’s noise. Coming home to my quiet house where I live alone is bliss.

I agree that we take our frustrations out on our nearest and dearest and while I am not suggesting for one minute that Kate changes the way she is maybe she and her husband just need a bit of space from one another.

kittylester Fri 25-May-18 21:28:09

Kate, I suggest that you mention it to the gp to rule out anything untoward.

Nice to see you.

SueDonim Fri 25-May-18 21:43:13

I think it would take the wind out of his sails if instead of fighting back, which he's probably wanting you to do, Kate, you simply respond with something like 'I'm sorry you think that,' then swiftly move on.

Kate13 Fri 25-May-18 22:04:56

Yes I try to make space and have joined groups -reading group,NWR,U3A to get out of the way, and also make arrangements to meet up with friends for lunch when he’s being like this. THEN he changes , like switching a light switch on, and he gets irritated and sulky because i’m not available when HE wants to do things together. He is actually fun to be with when we’re both in step.That’s why I put up with it all but really it’s like treading on egg shells -I can never gauge when the next blast is going to happen. This is helping loads to write this down. Thanks everyone

Kate13 Fri 25-May-18 22:11:45

The rejection thing IS the silent treatment. It can last for 36+ hours and makes me unhappier and nervy. Then he’ll decide to talk and I’m supposed to respond, forget what’s gone before and “not sulk”. By then I’m usually so angry that I ignore him

LiltingLyrics Fri 25-May-18 22:17:08

Does your husband do the same, Kate? Does he go to any interest and hobby groups and have friends he socialises with?

Kate13 Fri 25-May-18 23:18:38

No he’s not interested in groups. Happy (unhappy?) with his own company I guess. I thought he was also happy with my company but very often not
so. He meets up with a couple of old work colleagues about four times a year. I’ve tried to suggest he joins a group but if’s not his thing

LiltingLyrics Sat 26-May-18 13:24:36

Therein lies the key, perhaps. Probably unhappy. You have a lot of interests and outside friends whereas he is relying on you for company. I can imagine you coming home longing to chat more about the book you have been discussing, what you have been involved in at NWR (National Women’s Register?) or learning at U3A, things that maybe he is just not interested in (hence the accusations of babbling) or maybe even be a bit envious or resentful. Meanwhile he has been doing what - other than getting annoyed that you are not home with him?

I know that a lot of men have solitary hobbies (does yours?) but I still believe that we all need some external contact beyond partners and family and an opportunity for conversation that interests and stimulates us.

Women are very good at forging social circles. Men far less so. It’s one of the reasons the Men in Sheds movement is growing apace. That said one can’t force someone to go out and get involved in activities. What kinds of things does your husband enjoy doing?

Kate13 Sat 26-May-18 15:37:38

He loves gardening and we have a veg patch in the back garden ( so no social contact)), he’s interested in F1 (on TV) and enjoys reading (books and internet items) -so all exclusive .
He doesn’t want me to “interfere” with any of this, so I’m pushed away (I see this as rejection) and he gets angry if I “interrupt”, even to ask if he’d like a cup of coffee!!! He speaks very quietly and I often can’t hear what he says, then he's angry if I don’t hear him first time. It’s a mess. He’s a good grandad, though often harsh with our daughter-not so with our son. Woman hater?

Fennel Sun 27-May-18 09:06:07

Poor Kate! My DH can also be like that at times. He used to go quiet for hours too, but TG doesn't do that now.
I try to argue back but he's got a louder voice. It could be a kind of depression, as others have hinted.
I once read a story about a married couple, after many years she revealed that she'd had a baby pre marriage, never told him, and he was very angry. Stopped talking to her as a 'punishment' shock.
I think you could be right about the attitude to women in older men.

Skweek1 Sun 27-May-18 09:17:03

Adore DH, but as his health deteriorates (we've always known he wasn't going to make old bones), his temper gets ever shorter, and he blames me and DS for everything. We know it's just his pain shouting at us and not him, but not easy. Fortunately DS and I are on the same side and can support each other. But would suggest you persuade your DH to have a check-out at the quack's - maybe he's got some issue that can be easily sorted and he's imagining the worst, so worrying about it.

inishowen Sun 27-May-18 09:30:06

Next time he gives you the silent treatment try shocking him. If it was me I would secretly book myself into a hotel and disappear for several days. Let your family know you are safe but tell the nasty sod nothing. Just go. Maybe a few days of worrying about you might make him think.

Saggi Sun 27-May-18 09:41:14

36 hours of silence Kate.... you're not a stoic then. My miserable husband didn't speak to me for three weeks because I forgot one day to make his packed lunch before I took the two kids to different schools ( all walking) and then got the bus to do work for 8.5 hours and coming home to cook the dinner when he'd been in after his 5 hour shift sitting on his arse doing bugger all. Kids being picked up by friend because it wasn't his job!!! Anybody wanna swap that!??

Yellowmellow Sun 27-May-18 09:42:41

Please read up on Narcissism and Narcissistic traits. Many women (and men) have partners who have these traits. There is a fantastic website run by Angie for anyone who thinks they are or have been a victim of Narcissistic abuse.