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Almost no contact with adult grandchildren

(33 Posts)
Luckylegs9 Sun 17-Jun-18 07:12:04

Like most grandparents given the chance, I was hands on and part of gc life's, now they are grown up and working, never get to see them. I text and send messages, my son and wife enjoying their new found freedom quite rightly out and about. Son phones a lot but it is not the same as being with them. Tried everything to meet up but it doesn't work.
Am I being unrealistic because I know really there is nothing I can go to make any of them want to meet up.

stella1949 Sun 17-Jun-18 07:26:31

The parents are usually the link between the adult GC and the grandparents. If your son and his wife are enjoying their freedom, and not interested in having family get- togethers, you might have to get used to this situation.

In my family, my AC only saw their grandparents very rarely since we all lived far away. Nobody thought this was unusual.

If your son and the grandchildren are not interested in changing this, I guess you have to accept things as they are. Let them know that you'd enjoy a met- up but don't make a martyr of yourself.

alreadytaken Sun 17-Jun-18 07:31:41

quite possibly your son and wife rarely see their adult children, who are busy enjoying their own lives. Perhaps become a volunteer with a local charity, there may even be one that supplies families far from any support with volunteer grandparents.

Eglantine21 Sun 17-Jun-18 07:34:40

It’s inevitable and right that we move from the centre to the periphery of the family as life goes on. I think of us as ripples in a pond spreading to the edge of family life. It will happen to your children and grandchildren too as their families grow.

It’s also a time of revolution in the world where life as a whole is changing and actual personal contact is less and less. I don’t like it much. I’d rather drive a hundred miles to see someone than talk on the phone!

Put them together and it’s no wonder that you feel a bit lost.

Truly though, I live my own life, doing the things I enjoy and look on my family as backup rather than central. I’d be devasted to lose any of them but they don’t fill the bulk of my time.

It’s different when family live close and the children are young, but all phases of life move on, and they are all in a new one. Us too, if we can look at it in that way. 😀

Greenfinch Sun 17-Jun-18 07:37:46

Sensible words Eglantine

travelsafar Sun 17-Jun-18 07:44:23

Eglantine21 I know exactly what you mean. As long as I know they are all ok I am fine with not always seeing DC and GC on a regular basis. They all lead busy lives, work perculiar hours and have things to catch up on due to both parents working full time so i think that any free time they do have is so presious i dont want to take it up with an unessesary visit just so I can say I see my family on a regular basis.

I am just happy they are getting on with their lives.

Willow500 Sun 17-Jun-18 07:51:57

We don't see much of my eldest GD (20) now she's got her own place and lives with her boyfriend - they're 2 hours away from us and a couple of miles from her mum and dad. Both working so any get togethers we have are based on their flexibility. We met up with son, DIL and youngest GD (nearly 17) yesterday for lunch which was lovely but she will be off to 6th form college in Sept and probably won't want to be bothered with us that much. It's life - we all grow and move on from parents so it's inevitable GP become even further distanced. Sad but reality.

Lisalou Sun 17-Jun-18 08:03:51

Eglantine, what a lovely analogy - ripples in a pond, I love it. My ma has occasionally had meet ups with just one of her adult GC, so will invite the Boy. Why don't you come over for supper, I would love to have you, will fix your favourite X (food does sort of work with him) or when my eldest is visiting, she will suggest they go and have a cuppa while they are in the area. With family far flung and, in my case, children of very different ages and interests, big family get togethers are few and far between. Christmas is the only one none of them ever miss, but then at the moment there are still no babies.

BlueBelle Sun 17-Jun-18 08:11:37

It’s exactly how life is lucky I was so close to my Nan I adored her and saw her every day but once the boyfriend (then) husband came along I was off. starting my own life I kept in touch by letter as we went overseas and she was regularly in my mind but for a good number of years I only saw her very irregularly Later ( nearly 20 years later) I came back to my home town and again saw her everyday and when she got old and a bit unable she came to live with me for her last three years
All my grandkids are now in their teens and I can feel them disappearing bit by bit’s life you just have to accept it and find a way of enjoying your own life

tanith Sun 17-Jun-18 08:12:53

I agree with you about moving to the periphery of the family. Our adult GC also work unsocial hours, have partners, live a little further away and now have babies coming along but they do make some effort to have a get together now and then and most years we manage a holiday at the coast in the U.K. and as many as are free make it there which is so lovely.

Luckygirl Sun 17-Jun-18 08:23:53

I think we just have to accept life as it is and be prepared to be on the periphery a bit now. Job done - time to do some of the things we had no time for.

sodapop Sun 17-Jun-18 08:44:19

That's just about it Luckygirl I am glad they are getting on with their lives and are independent & happy. As you say we did our job well to achieve this.

seacliff Sun 17-Jun-18 08:47:15

One (there are a few) of my big regrets. I know that I was like that when in my late teens and onwards. I feel sorry now, thinking how selfish I was, she was such a lovely Nan, and it must have been hurtful for her. Her son, my Dad, did encourage me to attend family get togethers where I would see her, he was a very good son.

I was so into my new life with boyfriends, work, going out. Then she died when I was about 21.

It's sad for you, I can only suggest you try and arrange a fun family day occasionally and ask g/c direct if they'd come as it would mean so much to you to see the generations together.

Urmstongran Sun 17-Jun-18 08:54:30

Wise & lovely words Eglantine21. I too shall remember your analogy in years to come! Our GC are only 6y and 16 months & we see a great deal of them now - but further down the road, who knows?

Coconut Sun 17-Jun-18 09:31:32

Listening to others and always having been a very hands on Nanny, I realised that teenage grandchildren would start living their own lives to the full, so I have prepared myself for that, and we all gave them the confidence to enable them to do that. My eldest granddaughter was 16 so in her card I just put “ fly high baby girl, and Nanny will always be here when you need to rest your wings” .... despite exams, 1st love, and a little weekend job, I still get lots of calls and texts and she even asked advice on her prom dress ... so I know the dynamics of our relationship will change, but as we have always been so close, I know that bond will not be broken. Meanwhile, I have another 4 to keep me busy !

Elrel Sun 17-Jun-18 10:09:35

I like Eglantine’s analogy that we ripple out from the centre of family life.
I also now see myself as a link in a chain, my grandparents and parents before me, children, grandchildren, and small great granddaughter after me.

holdingontometeeth Sun 17-Jun-18 10:33:57

You can only be there for them when they want to see you.
GC's lives become an exciting experience, making their own way in life's hectic schedule.
Be happy that they are, hopefully, happy.
You have done your bit being in their formative years.

Legs55 Sun 17-Jun-18 10:44:20

Eglantine21, what lovely words. My family consists of my DM who is 89 & still lives in the same Yorkshire village where she was born. I after a series of moves live in Devon, my DD along with DGS1 (8) & DGS2 (1) live about 10 miles from me (I moved to be closer to them after I was widowed). I visit DM twice a year. DD & DGSs go to visit her once a year. I see DD & DGSs on an " ad hoc" basis, we meet when time & commitments allow. I have a lot of interests & friends, so different from when I grew up where family lived within a few miles of each other.

Life has changed, there is greater mobility & contact is now often by telephone or increasingly social media, such as facebook, skype etc or text. Letters are a rarity but physical cards are always sent in our family for Birthdays & Christmas.

Welshwife Sun 17-Jun-18 15:14:08

I was very close to my eldest two GC when they were growing up and now they are both in their twenties and in stable relationships. DGS keeps in regular contact by email or Viber and when possible we meet up for a meal together and he and his partner come and stay with us. DGD is getting married next summer and wants me to go with her and her mother wedding dress shopping in a month or so. She keeps in regular contact and always asking us to visit her and arranges for us to go out to breakfast or lunch together. She also comes to visit us when she can. There was a period when they were in their teens when we did not see them so often but a visit and outing for lunch was always welcome when GS was at Uni!
The other two live in the States so it is a different relationship altogether by force of circumstances.
My own children kept close contact with their grandparents until the end of their lives. I do consider myself very lucky with them all.

Daisyboots Sun 17-Jun-18 19:05:12

Sadly life today is nothing like it was when we were young. Grandparents were inportant as were aunts and uncles. I would visit them regularly until they died. My parents were wonderful grandparents and were very close to my children. But today I can't say I am close to some of my children let alone my grandchildren. If I am prepared to give them money they are in touch but I don't want to have to buy their attention. So I am just going to live my life with my husband and hopefully enjoy the times when we do see them
We have a big family gathering at the end of the month but can't say I am looking forward to it.

notanan2 Sun 17-Jun-18 22:04:59

young adults naturally drift away then come back to family more when they start thinking about settling down themselves.

It means you did something right & they're out there finding their way for now.

Seaside22 Mon 18-Jun-18 07:16:26

Bide your time lucky legs my boys lost interest in visiting any relatives through their teenage and early twenties, it wasn't until they had their own families that they couldn't wait to show their grandparents their children, they then seemed to enjoy the closeness of having an extended family.Although my mum is a force to be reckoned with she insists on ringing them every week and expects to see them regularly to which they sometimes complain they haven't got the time. But on the whole they do oblige. Good luck.

Pat609 Mon 18-Jun-18 08:13:28

Let them go and they'll always come back. Wise words I heard years ago. It always hurts when children or grandchildren grow up and fly the nest. Your feelings have actually brought tears to my eyes, as they probably have to others on this post. Don't give way to making them feel guilty, as my mother did, all that does is build up resentment. It's inevitable that your Grandchildren will move on and become independent, but you have helped give the the grounding for this, as you should. Be proud of yourself. Try to fill your life with other things, don't brood on it, they will come back.

Anniebach Mon 18-Jun-18 09:13:13

I find it difficult without my family calling in, not helped by not being able to go out and mix with people. Miss the laughter.

luluaugust Mon 18-Jun-18 16:29:22

We are gentle rippling to the edge of the pond now but I expected it. We love to see everybody when we can and enjoyed a catch up yesterday but the close contact of small grandchildren has gone, we are pleased to see them living their own lives. My old mum saw herself as at the head of the family but I don't think I would get away with that. None of us likes change but if there have been no rows and there is some contact I think its best to go with the flow!